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Do you ever find yourself defining life by before and after the deep hurt?
The horrific season. The conversation that stunned us. The shocking day of discovery. The divorce. The wrongful death so unfathomable we still can’t believe they are gone. The breakup. The day your friend walked away. The hateful conversation. The remark that seems to now be branded on our soul. The day everything changed.
That marked moment in time. Life before. Life now. Is it even possible to move on from something like this? Is it even possible to create a life that’s beautiful again?
I deeply understand this kind of defining devastation in such a personal way.
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I also know how Christmas can magnify all of the pain. People who are no longer a part of our lives are missing from holiday traditions. Ornaments and photographs that should bring joy stir up feelings of bitterness and grief instead. Memories that were once sweet now only serve to widen the chasm between what was and what is.
I know how Christmas can magnify all of the pain. People who are no longer a part of our lives are missing from holiday traditions. Ornaments and photographs that should bring joy stir up feelings of bitterness and grief instead.
In my own life, it has taken me years of counseling and healing to get to the place where I can look at the Christmas card my family sent out during one of the most painful and devastating seasons of our lives -- with all of us dressed up and smiling -- and not cringe, feeling like a fool or a fake. And it has taken something else in my journey, as well.
Forgiveness.
When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, the word forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic to bring into the conversation.
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And before we go any further, I want to assure you of a few things because I know how resistant my own heart has felt when it comes to forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t about diminishing what you’ve been through or makes light of the anguish you’ve cried a million tears over. It is not justifying abuse or abandonment or affairs that are all wrong no matter how it’s flipped or framed by others. It is not refusing to acknowledge how powerful feelings are and how powerless you can feel when you get flooded by pain, triggered by memories, ignored by those who were supposed to love you, or brushed aside by those who should have cared for you.
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Forgiveness doesn’t demand you excuse the cruelest and most horrific crimes committed against you or those you love. Nor will it require that all relationships work out with all people—sometimes that’s neither possible nor safe.
But friend, can I whisper something today I’m learning?
Forgiveness is possible, but it won’t always feel possible.
It’s a double-edged word, isn’t it?
It’s hard to give. It’s amazing to get. But when we receive it so freely from the Lord and refuse to give it, something heavy starts to form in our souls.
It’s the weight of forgiveness that wasn’t allowed to pass through. And for me, that’s mainly because I’ve misunderstood something so incredibly profound about forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t something hard we have the option to do or not do. Forgiveness is something hard-won that we have the opportunity to participate in.
Our part in forgiveness isn’t one of desperation where we have to muscle through with gritted teeth and clenched fists. It isn’t sobbing through the resistance of all our justifications to stay angry and hurt and horrified by all they did. This is what I once thought forgiveness was, and after already being the one who was hurt, I couldn’t imagine having yet another process to work through.
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But when I wrongly think forgiveness rises and falls on all my efforts, conjured maturity, bossed-around resistance, and gentle feelings that feel real one moment and fake the next, I’ll never be able to authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me.
My ability to forgive others rises and falls on leaning into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7).
Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination.
Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.
Cooperation is what I’ve been missing. Cooperation with what Jesus has already done makes verses like Ephesians 4:32 possible. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
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Forgiving one another just as Christ forgave you. God knew we couldn’t do it on our own. So, He made a way not dependent on our strength. A forgiving way. A way to grab on to Jesus’ outstretched arms, bloody from crucifixion and dripping with redemption. He forgives what we could never be good enough to make right. And makes a way for us to simply cooperate with His work of forgiveness…for us to receive and for us to give.
What if this is actually the kindest gift you can give to yourself this Christmas?
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That person or people—they’ve caused enough pain for you, for me, and for those around us. There’s been enough damage done. And you don’t have to be held hostage by the pain. You get to decide how you’ll move forward. If you’re knee-deep in pain and resonate with the feelings of resistance I have felt, too, let me assure you: forgiveness is possible. And it is good.
So, I just want you to just sit here for a moment today and consider the possibility around this double-edged word, forgiveness. Not because your pain doesn’t matter. Not because what they did was right. Not because it fixes everything. But because your heart is much too beautiful a place for unhealed pain. Your soul is much too deserving of freedom to stay stuck here. And you don’t have to keep letting your holidays be held hostage by the pain of your past.
Lysa TerKeurst’s new book, "Forgiving What You Can’t Forget" teaches you how to truly move on when the other person refuses to change and never says they're sorry. Find out more at ForgivingWhatYouCantForget.com.
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