It has been a very difficult journey for Amber Portwood on this season of MTV’s "Teen Mom OG."
The 28-year-old reality star welcomed her second child, son James, with her boyfriend, Andrew Glennon, last May. And while things started out positive and the pair seemed more in sync than ever, Amber developed severe postpartum depression.
During the Dec. 17 episode of "Teen Mom OG," Amber tearfully confessed to her cousin Krystal that she suffered from serious suicidal thoughts.
"There was a night that I was waiting for [Andrew] and James to go to bed so I could kill myself. And for some odd reason, he could feel it and he was like, 'I'm not going to bed,’” Amber said of her boyfriend. "It does not feel good to go and do things. It does not feel good to be alive right now.”
In the same episode, co-star Catelynn Lowell, who also struggled with postpartum depression on a previous season of "Teen Mom OG" and sought treatment on two separate occasions, took a trip to Indiana to visit Amber and to talk with her about her struggles.
"I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now, like, I have no will,” Amber confessed. "I'm not living for myself at the moment."
"If you really need severe help, there are places that you can go, just know that, so that you don't feel hopeless,” Catelynn replied.
In part one of the reunion episode, which aired on Christmas Eve, Amber went into even further detail, outlining her struggles with depression and just how close she came to ending her own life.
"It went from taking care of James so amazingly to one night, I had to give him to Andrew. I couldn't, I don't know what happened,” she said of the depression. "I didn't feel like that with [my daughter] Leah. I started feeling this weird pressure like I was going to explode. I was like, what the f--- is this?”
She went on to reveal more details from her disturbing night of suicidal thoughts, saying, "There was literally one night in California where I said to Andrew, 'Just go to sleep, just go to sleep,' and I was like, 'Just take James with you.' And I was going to hang myself.”
Amber, who has been candid in the past about her issues with the MTV series, went on to express her frustrations that the show had not given her time off to deal with her postpartum depression.
"How long did they give Catelynn off? F------ answer that,” she shouted at moderator Dr. Drew.
"To go to treatment? A month,” he replied.
"I get a week!” Amber noted.
"Would you like to go to treatment? I think that would be great," Dr. Drew replied.
"No! I'm doing my stuff at home with a nanny, with a psychiatrist, but guess what, I get a week for post-partum depression. This is bulls---. There's so much s--- we couldn't even get in one show,” Amber said.
She previously refused to continue filming, saying she was only attending the reunion episode for the other girls and has declared several times that she’s quitting the show following negative backlash from online critics.
In part two of the reunion episode, which aired New Year’s Eve, Amber and Andrew sat down on the couch together to open up about their family. The moving segment brought Andrew to tears as he gushed about his baby son.
“I wake up with such enthusiasm to see him and play with him and seeing him grow is awesome,” Andrew said.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255.