Like most sportsmen, the Robertsons have a giant freezer chest to store the spoils from their hunts. Unfortunately for A&E’s “Duck Dynasty” clan, things went awry when one of the brothers discovered that their freezer was malfunctioning.
“We got a problem,” Jase announced with some understatement to the crew gathered inside Duck Commander headquarters. “The freezer out there is not working–and it hasn’t been working in a while. It smells ripe–it’s the smell of death.”
“It’s only been a couple of days,” reasoned employee Martin. “I’m sure it’s fine.”
“There’s no salvaging anything. It’s over,” countered Jase. To prove his point, Jase brought Martin and Jep into the storage room to survey the damage. The 20-cubic-foot freezer was filled with decaying venison ribs, sausage and shrimp, which physically knocked Martin back with its powerfully foul smell.
“I tell you what: You boys can have that,” Martin told Jep and Jase as he made a hasty retreat from the freezer. “I’m gonna go practice chunking rocks.”
“Did I not tell you that that wouldn’t choke a maggot on a goat wagon,” Jase asked Jep rhetorically.
After some hesitation, Jase and Jep donned rubber gloves and started to remove the meat from the freezer, both of them gagging the entire time.
“Don’t ask me why throwing up has to be a shared experience,” Jase declared. “Of all the things that should start and stop with one person, it should be vomiting. It’s a terrible system. It causes chain reactions. All we need is that fat kid from ‘Stand By Me,’ and we’ll have a regular barf-o-rama.”
Finally, Jase and Jep emptied the freezer, only to discover that Duck Commander’s on-site Dumpster was recently emptied.
“This would sit here for a week,” said Jase, shaking his head. “Willie would have a fit.”
Jase and Jep’s father, Phil, decided to help out his sons by offering to haul off the rank meat in his custom, camouflage pickup truck–but not without some hesitation.
“Rancid, rotting meat–I don’t like that kind of stuff in the back of my truck,” groused Phil. “But, I’m thinking: get rid of some rancid meat, they help me get the cotton mouths. Good trade.”
The "cotton mouths" Phil referred were his grandchildren, John Luke and Sadie, who were across town, getting their wisdom teeth removed by the family dentist.
“It’s not often that you get to give your children truth serum and not go to jail,” Willie said of one of the more interesting side effects of anesthesia. “So I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity. Maybe I’ll check her cell phone while she’s still in la-la land.”
After the dentist used an instrument to pry out one of Sadie’s wisdom teeth with a loud crack, Willie winced. “There’s something about dentists that’s always just creeped me out,” he explained. “The whole idea of it is just barbaric. They put a man on the moon for cryin’ out loud. Can we not figure out how to extract teeth without having a blood bath?”
John Luke, meanwhile, was feeling pretty loopy after waking up from his procedure, babbling about “eagle powers” as he flapped his arms.
“This is better than naked baby photos,” smiled Korie, who took plenty of camera phone pics of her son’s inebriated state. “His girlfriends will be seeing this for years to come.”
On the other side of town, Phil, Jase and Jep were still having trouble finding a suitable dump site for their rotten meat. Tempted by the sight of an empty Dumpster, the trio pulled into an empty parking lot. Jase and Jep started to unload the truck–until they noticed a large red sign read, “STOP! No Dumping–Church Only.”
“It says no dumping,” said a dubious Jase.
“Yeah, but it says ‘Church Only’ and we’re members of the church,” countered Jep. “Come on.”
After Phil quoted some Bible passages the Robertsons boys decided that dumping 100 lbs. of rancid meat in a church Dumpster was not the best idea.
Their next stop was a Mexican restaurant, where the Dumpsters were hidden under lock and key. While waiting for a manager to inquire about using the restaurant’s Dumpster, Jase and Jep are treated to some nachos and a serenade by a Mariachi band.
Unfortunately, the restaurant manager had no interest in the Robertson’s “muerto” meat, and sent the boys packing.
Finally, Jase calls his brother, Pastor Alan, for advice. With Alan’s blessing, Jase, Jep and Phil return to the church to dump their rotten meat.
At the Robertson family dinner, where John Luke and Sadie were served special milkshakes made by Miss Kay, Willie was in a reflective mood. “Whether it’s pulling teeth or taking out trash, you have to do your best to raise your kids safe, healthy and happy.”