I have come to an important conclusion about men and women and here it is: heterosexual women find men with active masculine behaviors—like decisiveness and straightforward thinking—sexier than men without them.
The guys who are really sweet, predictable, great with kids, lively conversationalists, and a bit on the passive side make great husbands and fathers, but their women partners tend not to find them sexy. This is a problem I refer to as: Having married the family dog. Think Golden Retriever vs. German Shepard and you'll get my point.
I see it all the time in my practice; the more easy-going and "sure, honey, whatever you want" a man is, the more likely his wife or girlfriend will be to say, "he's a wonderful husband and father and I really love him, but I don't find him sexy. Frankly, sex has never been great with him, even from the beginning, but I married him anyway." Today's I-must-be in-control-of-everything modern woman often has more masculine energy than her male partner does. This can pose big problems when it comes to sex.
I am not recommending that women chose an updated version of Cro-Magnon man. That seems equally inauspicious for life-long sexual happiness as marrying the family dog. But why do women feel that a good marriage partner and good sex partner are mutually exclusive? And, has women's empowerment resulted in some sort-of shift that has changed gender roles so dramatically as to nullify the masculine to feminine sexual compliment?
Personally, I'm not ashamed to admit that I find old-fashioned, manly men very sexually appealing. Men who wear spicy aftershave, starched shirts, and carry a bill-fold are my kind-of guys. I love the laconic conversationalist who doesn't get lost in his own thoughts or repeat himself several times like my women friends are more apt to do. I also love hanging out with men who responsibly wear their sexual energy on their sleeve, no shame attached. Given that the area of the human brain responsible for sex and sex drive is two and a half times larger in men than women, not thinking about sex is often hard for them to do. And since we're on the topic of sex, I must admit I think men are often working with a natural advantage; sex is simpler for them. While in the throes of passion, they're not interrupted by thoughts like: "Did I write the bus note for the kids?" Or: "Oh no, I left my cashmere sweater in the wash!" Becoming distracted during sex by kids, and laundry? Never!
If you have a husband or male partner step back for a long moment, look at him, find his best masculine qualities, and think about ways to make as much room for them in your relationship as possible. Compliment him on his manliness and make a point of telling him how much you enjoy this about him. This could prove to be just the support he needs to give you more of the aphrodisiac you need to enhance your sexual interest and pleasure. And, don't forget the aftershave!
First published on RodaleWellness.com