This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," March 17, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: The Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, I have been working on it. It is Steve, sorry, it is not Steve, it's Steven and it's not Mnuchin, it's Mnuchin, like he is from the island of Minutia. It's Steven Mnuchin from Minutia.
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Groundbreaking journalism. Another week. All right, enough my friends. Another week, another departure from the White House. I haven't seen this many quick exits since Chipotle served that bad meat.
I survived. This administration has had more lineup changes than Van Halen. If Sammy Hagar becomes Chief of Staff, I am out. He was no David Lee Roth.
Now, it is Rex who gets X'ed.
JOHN BERMAN, CO-ANCHOR, CNN: There is major breaking news this morning from the Trump administration. Just moments ago, the President announced that Rex Tillerson is out as Secretary of State, ousted would be more accurate here to be replaced by the current head of the CIA, Mike Pompeo.
GUTFELD: I am sad. I for one loved the guy. He had the voice of Sam Elliott and the sturdy body of John Goodman.
He seemed like the kind of dude who could change a tire with his bare hands and crush a can of Pabst on your forehead while doing single arm curls using a fat teenager. But here is some advice, Rex. Don't do "Celebrity Big Brother." In fact, don't do any reality shows, especially "Naked and Afraid."
I want to remember you the way you were.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Rex.
GUTFELD: See what I mean? Now, his replacement is Mike Pompeo and Pompeo's replacement is Gina Haspel. Say what you want to say about this pair, they ain't Aussie and Harriet. Judging by the media's frazzle, the fearful response. It's more like Bonnie and Hitler.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (Should we) (inaudible) at the CIA overseeing for that period of time, the controversial torture program, should that be a black mark on her?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There have been many public stories linking her to torture.
MADDOW: There's not much else that we know in terms of behind closed doors stuff from Mike Pompeo's time at CIA. When he has had to speak publicly, sometimes he said things about Russia that are completely untrue.
GUTFELD: Not. I have a golden role. If your chief complaint is that these people are too hard on terrorists, not a complaint I listen to. That is why I call it asset to be treasured. So, go screw yourself.
No, these two, in my opinion, these two they seem perfect together. They are like a fearsome tag team in the world's most unstable octagon, Earth. It will be the most exciting confirmation hearing ever.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Get ready to go undercover and over the top as the creators of the White House Rumble Extravaganza presents, the confirmation annihilation domination.
Move over Intelli-gents, because it's Gina, The Not-A-Guy-Spy Festival. And she joins forces with Mike, "The Super Potato" Pompeo. The greatest tag team since Salt-n-Pepa. And together, they're making America safer than a celibate germaphobe book club.
They won't even say the word "espionage" because it sounds too French. Plus the first 100 people who arrive get a free cyanide capsule, and there's no need to sign up because they already know your personal information.
It's the confirmation-annihilation-domination.
GUTFELD: Yes, so, we know the gripe that they are saying that the woman here tortured, but that is only an opinion and one that is off the mark, it turns out the most repeated accusations levied at Haspel had to be retracted, but really anything can be torture, especially the people who think running out of kale, guacamole at Whole Foods is agony.
And so, I ask of those who think enhanced interrogation is evil, what is your alternative? Seriously, what replacement do you have for waterboarding?
Let me guess.
"She will be loved" by Maroon 5.
GUTFELD: I agree. That is worse than waterboarding. Bottom line, if you've got to make a terrorist talk in order to save lives, then everything should be on the table including thumbs, toes and noses.
A lot of media critics have the luxury of not having to face such dilemmas. You know, in their shiny studios, they parrot the same old pointless phrase, but we are better than that. Well, I'm not.
I will admit it. I will admit it. I am what is called a bad person. Terrible even. The media however acts as if getting down in the street with your enemy only makes these terrorists hate you more. Sorry, I can't see how they could do worse to us than 9/11.
Yes, I am sure ISIS wished we'd stuck to the high ground because then they would still be creating selfie sticks out of Westerners heads. So, if we hurt their feelings or their faces, so (inaudible) what?
For once, let's proudly and loudly say we are not better than that because under Trump, it seems to be working. We didn't lower the bar. We removed the damn thing, and good stuff's happening.
All right, but, if you must, then by all means say, "We are better than that." Well, the patriots who think otherwise continue to save your ass.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: All right, let's welcome our guests. She is so smart, she left "The View." Author and columnist, Jedediah Bila. Well, he is so sharp that ninjas throw him at their enemies, Washington Times opinion editor, Fox News contributor, Charlie Hurt so good. Hurts so good. Her favorite beverage is a kitten's tears, National Review Reporter, Kat Timpf. And in for Tyrus, ready to quip and shoot from the hip, writer and comedian, Kris Fried.
All right, Jedediah, welcome back to Fox News. I have a very important question. "The View," who had the worst breath? Come on.
JEDEDIAH BILA, AUTHOR AND COLUMNIST: Probably me because I used to eat right before the show, so probably.
GUTFELD: What a copout. What a copout. We know who had the worst breath.
BILA: No one had bad breath. I mean, of all questions -- you know, you could ask a really inventive question there and I'm just going to say -- worst breath?
GUTFELD: Somebody worked at ABC for a year and they think they can give me advice.
BILA: No, it's actually true. I used to be cheese and cheese-flavored things right before I went on and it was actually a paranoia I had because the person next to me, I used to always say, "Does my breath stink?" And sometimes, they say, yes.
GUTFELD: You know, just after this -- I could smell it. I can smell it. Yes, you are right.
BILA: Can you?
GUTFELD: That's disgusting. All right, let's talk about the topic at hand.
GUTFELD: Everybody is talking about job changes, everything going in and then going out, is it as bad as it seems? Or is this a bunch of media hysteria?
BILA: Media hysteria. I mean, I think this happens every administration that you talk about. There's people that shuffle in and out. I think, the issue here obviously that it's Donald Trump and everyone is waiting for, mostly in the media waiting for like, you know, breadcrumbs to fall, so that they can pick on it.
I do think that some of these picks are a little weird for him now, like honestly, when I was looking at this, he ran as a guy who was kind of a noninterventionist kind of guy and that's what I liked about him.
Because I'm a libertarian and I don't want us nation building over there and changing up leadership and now he's picking these really hawkish people.
GUTFELD: It's interesting about (Bolton). But (Bolton) and him are not on the right page.
BILA: Pompeo, I mean, even this lady with the waterboarding, like waterboarding or not, I mean, she seems very hawkish to me. This doesn't fit the brand.
GUTFELD: I don't think she ever water boarded anyone. I think the ProPublica had to retract a lot of things, Charles, that they have said that she had done. Charles, if you have a choice. Choose your adventure. You could talk to the confirmation hearings, how is that going to be?
CHARLES HURT, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Of Stormy Daniels?
HURT: Or Stormy Daniels?
GUTFELD: Well, you can talk about Stormy Daniels, if you like. I do have Stormy Daniels.
HURT: I don't want to get ahead of myself. Yes.
GUTFELD: Go ahead.
HURT: No, no. What are my options?
GUTFELD: Talk about confirmation hearings. Are these guys going to sail through?
HURT: This is what -- first of all, Donald Trump, he picks these people that are in disagreement with him, yet he gets clobbered in the media for being somebody who only surrounds himself by yes-men and the evidence for that are all the no-men that he surrounds himself by. And so the guy can't win either way.
And I agree with you, the media just makes this stuff out. But one of the things that I think Donald Trump has always been so brilliant about the guy, he is so good at picking the right fights at the right time and this is the best fight to pick with -- by having confirmation hearings for the Secretary of State and your Director of the CIA as we're going into talks with a militant nuclear nation that wants to erase us. And Democrats are saying, "Well, we don't like this and that."
"We haven't gotten all the transcripts." And American people are like, "Shut up." Give him what he needs.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, that's true. They're going to spit it through Kat. I know you love enhanced interrogations, so you're -- this is a breath of fresh air for you.
KATHERINE TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: I agree with Jedediah. I'm also a libertarian and I don't like to see all of these hawkish people going in. It's not just the torture stuff. It's also Mike Pompeo. He is very supportive of unconstitutional spying through the NSA.
GUTFELD: Which I am for.
TIMPF: Which you like a lot.
GUTFELD: I said I am a bad person.
TIMPF: Which is I am not for, which is why Greg gave me that wonderful question. I would like to see people around him that are noninterventionists. I think that we waste so much money and so many lives oversees doing things we don't have any business doing in the first place. And the government also doesn't have any business spying on me unconstitutionally.
GUTFELD: You don't -- nobody is spying on you.
TIMPF: They are though.
BILA: But you like a conundrum to me. Because when I used to talk to you about politics, you were a small government guy and then when it comes to this national security stuff or waterboarding or NSA, all of a sudden, it's like.
TIMPF: It's like in your.
BILA: Bring the government in, spy on everybody. What happened?
GUTFELD: Okay, look at my hands. Okay, this is security and this is freedom. They do not fight. They hold hands.
Thank you very much. Kris?
BILA: That's not you.
GUTFELD: No, they do hold hands. They're like siblings who just go a little too far at times.
BILA: You're one of the massive threats of security.
GUTFELD: I've got to get Kris. All right, Tyrus. Anyway, no, Kris, were you surprised that Tillerson was fired? Are you surprised that Trump just doesn't care? Anything?
KRIS FRIED, WRITER, COMEDIAN: No, that's not surprising at all. I'm more surprised -- I don't have a reaction to the torture thing. Like so back when she was doing that, it was kind of legal or I don't know, was it legal or just don't ask, don't tell, whatever it was, they did it and then the rules changed, so she probably won't do illegal stuff so, you know, in the NFL before they used to not have as many helmet-to-helmet rules and then when they changed that, they didn't fire all the players because they think they can't help themselves. They're just going to go around head-butting and you know, so you play by the rules.
GUTFELD: I don't know.
BILA: But does it bother anybody that the allegation is that she wanted to destroy those tapes of the waterboarding?
GUTFELD: I don't think -- I think that's not entirely true.
BILA: But if that were true, I mean, that should be a problem.
GUTFELD: Look, there are a lot of tapes that I want to destroy.
BILA: Right, but we've all been yelling -- that's probably true, but we've all been yelling about Hillary Clinton for how long that they took a jackhammer to all the devices like we don't want someone destroying evidence and transparency.
GUTFELD: That's a great transition, because we are going to be talking about Hillary in the next block. Apparently, somebody learned something at "The View."
I wanted to talk about Stormy Daniels' mom of the fact that she said that she -- Donald Trump should keep running and she would vote for him every time.
So, I realized, this is the first time the mother of a porn star is proud of what her daughter did, which is Donald Trump.
Up next, Hillary Clinton goes to the other side of the world and so (tough) of America, as if we you wouldn't find out.
She is making angry faces in faraway places. Hillary Clinton visited India recently and I can tell judging from the remarks she made there that clearly, she has been studying Dale Carnegie's self-help book, "How To Win Friends And Influence People."
Chapter One: If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.
HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE: I won the places that are optimistic, diverse, dynamic, moving forward and his whole campaign, Make America Great Again, was looking backwards. You know, you didn't like black people getting rights, you don't like women you know, getting jobs, you don't want to see that Indian-American succeeding more than you are, whatever your problem is, I'm going to solve it.
GUTFELD: Oh, what a jack ass. That will get the Trump voter to change sides for sure. And how about the chapter called, "How to change people without offending or arousing resentment?"
CLINTON: We do not do well with white men and we don't do well with married white women. And part of that is an identification with the Republican Party and a sort of ongoing pressure to vote the way that your husband, your boss, your son, whoever believes you should.
GUTFELD: No, no, no, she nailed it. She nailed that. Hey, women didn't vote for me. You're just a dumb puppet.
With a message like that, who wouldn't want to vote Democrat in 2020? Speaking of 2020, the Democrats are now scratching their heads about could go toe to toe against Donald Trump, but I think I know just the person.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In 2016, it wasn't their year, but in 2020, the Democrats will unleash a brand-new candidate to lead the resistance to victory.
Someone with a new vision for America, a freedom fighter, a fresh face and a grassroots hero. Her name, Hillary Clinton.
This up and comer is bitter, mean, cranky and vindictive, of all the things you want in a rising star.
In just four short decades, she has given us so much to real Americans. Things like hugs, faces, fashion and totally normal laughter.
Plus, this long list of accomplishments. Wow. So vote for Hillary Clinton in 2020, she's new, but she will grow on you.
GUTFELD: That is the best campaign ad ever made. Charlie, please defend Hillary in one way or the other. I'm asking to challenge you.
HURT: I would defend her by saying this, I don't know why anybody was surprised by what she said over there. There are a whole lot of people in the Democratic Party I think believe exactly the things she says. As disgusting as they are, but I do think it's especially funny that she talks about these women who -- I don't know if I walked into the kitchen and told my wife who she was voting for, I would be wearing an iron skillet on my face.
And it would say, "lodge," right here. But actually, she would just ignore me, but what is funny about it is, as the messenger of that message, she is the one who her entire career is based entirely on the fact that she married the right person and that she did what he told her to do.
HURT: And he thought through everything, and then finally, the thing that is the most amazing thing, that woman was almost President.
HURT: We almost -- everyone thought she was going to be the next president.
GUTFELD: Yes, the amazing thing is she lost to Donald Trump. I mean, that's -- I mean, Kat, if you are running the DNC what would you say to Hillary?
TIMPF: Just to stop talking. Seriously, it's pathetic. She's like a girl who goes on a date and doesn't get a call the next day, and it's like, "You know what, he must just not remember how to work his phone. It couldn't be possibly be my fault."
Doesn't she know that when women or anyone vote, they are not doing that in front of their husbands, that they are doing that by themselves, so even if they really wanted to make their husbands happy, what they would do I would think would just tell their husbands they voted for Trump and vote for Hillary. They would do the lying thing is what I think they would do.
But they didn't do that. They did their voting for Trump thing, so that's the thing they wanted to do.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Kris, do you think -- do you think Hillary realizes that even if she says something in India, we are eventually going hear it or do you think there's like a weird firewall?
FRIED: I think she is always aware of where she is at because you notice in the video, she like goes down the normal list. You know, like, they don't like black people and they don't like this and then she like sees the sign and she's like, "Look if you're an Indian-American."
Unbelievable. We didn't do well with white males or the Electoral College and it's part of it.
GUTFELD: All right, Jedediah, there was an incident, you were on with Hillary on "The View." What happened there? Something happened.
BILA: I interviewed her and I asked her -- we were talking about her book and I was saying, yes, exactly. And I said -- and I was asking about her being tone deaf because, if you read the book, it's almost like she has no conception of how could I have lost? Why was the race so close? And I said to her, "People around the country didn't like your message. They were broke. They hated ObamaCare," and she's looking at me like "No, that wasn't it."
There is a tone deafness that is startling, but if you actually interview her, it's just like you're immediately written off like, "No, that's not it." And it's getting worse.
BILA: They did not edit me. I had some questions that I wanted to ask that I didn't get to ask. I wanted to ask about her emails and where they all went. We didn't get to that one, but.
BILA: You know, I did ask her that and it went viral because -- there is no acknowledgment of her to even say, you know what, maybe I did miss the bullet on this. Maybe -- there are all of these areas of the country I didn't go to. Maybe that was a problem. Zero.
And now this stuff with women and I mean, want to say like, "Knock, knock, is anybody there?" Like, honestly, I think there is something almost wrong with her. It's crazy.
GUTFELD: Whenever you say, "Knock, know, is anyone in there?" It's Bill Clinton just putting his pants on. That's her. That's her. Get out the window.
That was pathetic. Probably the best thing that Bill Clinton ever did in the White House was build that like weird inflatable slide from the Lincoln bedroom to wherever the doorbell rang because he just shoved the lady down the slide and she landed immediately on like W Street.
BILA: I thought you were serious for a second. I thought he was serious about it.
GUTFELD: I am never serious. All right, we have got to move on. More stuff to talk about. This show is so great. Really. All right, which border wall will Trump choose? I hope it is made of delicious candy because I love candy. All right.
MARIANNE RAFFERTY, FOX NEWS: Live from America's News Headquarters, I am Marianne Rafferty. Fired FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe kept memos detailing his conversations and interactions with President Trump. Those memos have been turned over to Special Counsel Robert Mueller. They were reportedly similar to those compiled by ousted FBI Director, James Comey.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions fired McCabe Friday night, just two days before the FBI veteran was slated to retire. McCabe may lose his pension, but some congressional Democrats have suggested they will hire him to save it.
Another job with the federal government would protect his income.
And Former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn hitting the campaign trail in California. He was stumping for a Congressional candidate, Omar Navarro. He is challenging Maxine Waters.
Flynn is awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty to lying to the FBI.
I'm Marianne Rafferty, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."
GUTFELD: Well, he is having a ball building that wall. President Trump got a firsthand look at the prototypes for the wall he wants built on our border with Mexico.
And I learned so much; for example, fences suck.
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Now, that's a fence, a very sturdy fence, but coming up, I noticed -- the first thing I noticed, look how many holes are in that fence? Now, they fixed the holes, but it doesn't look very good. They just patched it with more fence.
GUTFELD: The fence has holes in it. We've already got a fence on the border, but people are cutting through it, so we need the wall. Now, I know you're thinking, "But Greg, I can see through a fence. How do I know what's coming if they build a wall?"
TRUMP: You have to have see-through. I mean, you could be two feet away from a criminal cartel, if you don't know they are there. You have to have some -- see through, it's a problem.
GUTFELD: He thinks of everything, but what about scaling the walls? How do the walls keep people from doing that? I mean, these prototypes are massive. Who would think of just climbing over?
TRUMP: Who would think? Who would think? But getting over the top is easy. These are like professional mountain climbers. They are incredible climbers. They can't climb some of these walls. Some of them, they can. Those are the walls we are not using.
GUTFELD: That's right. Easy to climb. You're eliminated. That's why the wall lined with carpet is out.
GUTFELD: I would not want that in my house. Kat, do you think he made a good case for the wall?
GUTFELD: Come on. Wall.
TIMPF: I understand that everyone who watches the show loves the wall and that you love the wall and that everyone is going to hate me for not loving the wall, but I don't love the wall.
GUTFELD: It's okay not to love the wall, just like it. And besides, doesn't your apartment have walls?
TIMPF: Okay, okay.
GUTFELD: I love that argument.
TIMPF: Okay, Greg.
GUTFELD: It's an easy start.
TIMPF: They don't also cost me tens of millions of dollars when I think the same thing could be done by removing welfare incentives and ending the drug war, which I think would solve the problems that way.
GUTFELD: Well, why not take the money from that to build the wall?
TIMPF: Issues with funding. There can be issues of getting votes for funding. There are issues because a lot of this land is private property and there are a lot of issues here.
GUTFELD: It is not my problem that you have a lot of issues.
TIMPF: All right, I've seen we've taken this to a very mature place.
GUTFELD: Kris, what are your thoughts on the wall? You excited? You are nonplussed? Are you a traitor? Treasonous traitor like Kat Timpf?
TIMPF: Thank you, Greg. You're writing the tweets for me. Thank you.
FRIED: I'm so comfortable. I am just leaning back and I lose my thoughts. No, when he is going around, yelling at people and coming up with you know, funds, then you can tell he's a business guy. He's used to like -- you know how they say, they can't just say "good job." They have to come up with something to talk about.
So, he is in there. He's just mentioning like little minute like things that don't make sense. He's like, "Uh, it has got to be longer. You can walk right around this. Build them long here." "Longer than 14 feet," I think.
GUTFELD: Is he? But he's at like a building site? You know, he goes to talk to the people there. He's asking them, he parks his limo, gets out, puts on a hat and he just starts walking around on like 57th Street, point, point at things, that is what he does. I mean, I guess, right, Charles?
HURT: Yes, no, I mean, and you know, it's like talking about that he fights that he picks. This is another one of those fights that he picks and it's a very smart fight to pick.
And the reason that he will not budge off the word "wall" is because he knows that you go to Washington and you say, "I am going to build a wall." The first thing everybody says to him is, "We don't really need a wall." You mean, like a fence and he goes, "No, I mean a wall."
No, you mean like sensors and stuff like that? And he goes, "No, I mean a wall. We're going to build a wall." And it's brilliant because what he has done as he's defined his enemy or -- all of his opponents as being anti-wall or anti-border security, although he would never use such a loser word as border security. We have to use something people know it looks like, a wall.
GUTFELD: He wants the toughest thing to defend, just wall.
FRIED: We're going to build the music stars of the '90s wall. It doesn't matter.
GUTFELD: Go ahead.
HURT: And I don't think it is going to be a physical wall along and I don't think, even in the recesses of his mind, he thinks that, but it's a debate he is having, so he is going to call it the wall and we are going to build a wall along the entire border that's going to have a big beautiful door in it.
BILA: I love the.
TIMPF: He gets to see through.
BILA: My favorite part is the people that become deficit hawks when it comes to the wall.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
BILA: You know, like the wall is too expensive, but all of the stuff when they have like, you know, let's test out to see if this fish can survive in 25 degrees and let's spend $15 billion dollars on that or.
FRIED: The (squid) over treadmill.
TIMPF: You know, I am also against that.
BILA: You know, I don't know why we can't do the stuff that Kat recommended and the wall, like this is our national security. We do have Mexican drug cartels coming over. This is the time to spend the money. This is what you want to spend the money.
GUTFELD: Exactly, and you know what?
BILA: We figure something out here.
GUTFELD: Throughout this magnificent segment, if you look at what Trump is doing, all of these things are kind of long-term solutions to problems that we kind of live with whether it is the wall or North Korea or terror in general, you get a sense that he's always thinking about the future, which is why we are kind of are laughing at the wall because it's like, we're thinking, "Oh, that's crazy," but it's actually not crazy if you're thinking about the future.
And so, this is what the Democrats are what you call half-a-planners, right? Trump is a planner. Democrats are half-a-planners, so a Democrats will say, "Step one, I wish. Step two, see step one. Step three, raise taxes." The only exception here is that Trump -- I mean, Trump says step one, build the wall. Step two, let everybody in that should be in. So, there's always -- there's a second half to every plan and Democrats never have that second half.
HURT: I remember the 1986 Immigration Bill we had three million illegals in this country and Washington promised to stop the flow and grant amnesty. They did the easy part, but they never did the hard part.
GUTFELD: That is where they have half-a-plan. That's their motto for the Democrats half-a-plan.
Okay, still to come, can we save a species by moving to Mars? But what if we die on the way to Mars? We discuss this minor drawback.
Should earthlings plead to avoid World War III? SpaceX founder and my Pilates instructor, Elon Musk said recently that humans must colonize Mars to preserve our species in case of a Third World War.
That is because "It is far enough away from earth that it's more likely to survive than a moon base if there is a Third World War. We want to make sure there's enough of a seed of human civilization somewhere else to bring it back."
His company shipped the Big Falcon rocket. It will undergo test flights next year with the goal of landing on Mars in 2022. The first missions will send cargo, but Musk says the first manned missions promised to be, "Difficult, dangerous, involve a good chance you will die and full of excitement for those who survive." That is exactly how I describe it, each weekend with Bill Hemmer.
The guy can't throw a Frisbee to save his life.
GUTFELD: Never get tired of that. Kat, you should be excited about outer space because A, there are no walls and it's a new place for you to cry in.
TIMPF: Wow. That was my question.
TIMPF: Okay. First of all, I prefer to cry in a comfortable place, one that I know, you know, where I am.
GUTFELD: You never have to wipe your tears because they float off.
TIMPF: Yes, that would be kind of nice. I just think it is not crazy to say that the people will die because they probably will, but what is crazy is people are going to do it anyway.
GUTFELD: Charles, you have any thoughts about going to outer space?
HURT: No, none at all. I don't intend to go. I'm going to die here in America.
GUTFELD: You're dying right now on our couch.
BILA: We all are kind of dying.
HURT: On the planet and actually, thinking about this thing actually terrifies me, actually. Just the concept about it, I think it's why it's so much easier just to sort of believe in God and then just say "Yes, I don't need to worry about space."
GUTFELD: Wow, that is interesting. I think you could do both, couldn't you?
GUTFELD: No, you can't. It's either space or God?
HURT: This is weird.
GUTFELD: All right, you know.
HURT: It's limitless.
GUTFELD: It's also, we're on a little spaceship and we are hurtling through space. When I think about that, I get a little carsick when I start thinking about we're moving, I could feel it, I am going to throw up, Jedediah?
BILA: That's called a panic attack.
GUTFELD: Yes, oh, I know that very well.
BILA: Yes, I don't like space. I talk about this with my husband all the time. I don't mind it.
GUTFELD: You say you need space?
BILA: Yes. I don't mind that if I am on the ground looking up like here on earth, but I don't get the suit like I feel claustrophobic. I watched that movie, what was it? "Gravity" where they go out there?
Just the suit alone, the little spaceship and then they get out into the ether and they are like, "Wow," not wow, not wow. You can't breathe out there.
GUTFELD: Yes, what you.
BILA: There is nothing. There is no food exactly.
BILA: I don't know why earth is not enough for some people. It's good enough for me.
GUTFELD: And just seeing floating poop is a problem for me, Kris. It's a problem for me.
GUTFELD: Also in space.
FRIED: I was confused during the Musk half of the thing because he saying it's dangerous for humans and whatnot and I thought he was talking about the band, 30 Seconds to Mars for a while and you know, I just figured -- like they could cross, promote, send them on the first one. I'd be okay with that.
But no, my other problem is that, so people, a good portion of the country gets really mad at anything Donald Trump does. They say, "We are going to die in healthcare. You are going to die." And everything leads to death and then this guy is proposing a thing and his whole pitch is like, "You're probably going to die," and they are all like, "Oh spring break, Mars."
GUTFELD: I will tell you why, okay, I will tell you why. This is a great way to die. You will live forever as the Lewis and Clark of the cosmos. Your death will be memorable, and I think if you die in space, it is going to be quick.
However, to your point, Jedediah.
BILA: You think.
GUTFELD: Yes, I know.
BILA: You don't know.
GUTFELD: I do, but I think that you were correct. If I went to space, I would have kind of massive ongoing panic attack, which means I will be the first person murdered in space. I would be the first person they kill and eat.
HURT: That we know of.
GUTFELD: That we know of. No, because I would do the same thing.
BILA: Cut his air supply. Get rid of him. He's dead weight. It's true.
GUTFELD: All right, enough of you, Jedediah. This isn't, "The View." All right, coming up, Katy Perry kisses and American Idol contestant. Harassment or brilliant way to draw attention to her lousy show?
We discuss, you deride.
GUTFELD: His first kiss went amiss. I speak of American Idol contestant judge Katy Perry had kissed without consent during his audition. It happened on this week's premiere after Benjamin Glaze told the judges he had never kissed a girl. Roll it, Ringo?
LUKE BRYAN, JUDGE, "AMERICAN IDOL": Have you kissed a girl and liked it?
BENJAMIN GLAZE, "AMERICAN IDOL" CONTESTANT: No, I've never been in relationships.
KATY PERRY, JUDGE, "AMERICAN IDOL": Really?
GLAZE: I can't kiss a girl without being in a relationship.
PERRY: Come here.
BRYAN: Wait, hold on.
PERRY: Come here. Right here, right now.
GLAZE: You can't be serious.
PERRY: Come here.
GLAZE: What on the cheek?
GUTFELD: And so controversy ensued. A few viewers argue that exchange would've been assault if a male judge kissed a 19-year-old female like that. Glaze initially told The New York Times, the kiss made him uncomfortable, but later wrote on Instagram, "I do not think I was sexually harassed by Katy Perry and I am thankful for the judges' comments and critiques. I was uncomfortable in a sense of how I have never been kissed before and I was not expecting it."
Still, all this does is hide the fact that American Idol is just really boring. I mean, it's on ABC, so now I can say that and that's why I am starting a new show, it's called American Idle and it features dudes lying around.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nope, you're doing too much.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: (Inaudible).
GUTFELD: That they've never been kissed either. All right, you know what upsets me about this, Kat? The arrogance of Katy Perry. She just assumes her first kiss is going to be superior to any of his choices in his Podunk small-town. I think that's just gruesome as her music.
She says, "Oh, he'll never get somebody as good as me, so I'm going to steal his first kiss."
TIMPF: Yes, she was like, "Yes, you are welcome." I would be so upset if Katy Perry kissed me. That's how you get a cold and that's how you get the flu. You shouldn't just be kissing strangers. You should never share Chapstick.
GUTFELD: No, you should never share Chapstick.
TIMPF: I hate when somebody asks me if I can use my Chapstick or.
GUTFELD: Who does that?
TIMPF: Of if somebody asks if I would like to use theirs.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's very strange.
TIMPF: I just want to tell them to respect themselves.
GUTFELD: No Chapstick is not transferable.
GUTFELD: You know, it's not.
TIMPF: It shouldn't be. People are getting too close these days.
GUTFELD: Jedediah, I think she also put this teenager in danger. Remember, she was married to Russell Brand. Her mouth touched Russell Brand.
BILA: Who knows where it has been. That's -- oh my god, I hadn't thought about that.
GUTFELD: That's like licking a bathroom wall in Port Authority.
BILA: God. What an image?
BILA: This actually made me really mad because the kid says, "I would have said no if she had asked me." He says, I would've said no. And everyone is here saying, you know, media people, "Oh, it's Katy Perry. It's so cute, whatever, he's so lucky."
No, like if a girl had come out and been the one kissed and said. "I would've said no." It wasn't harassment, but I would've said no. That would've been part of the Me Too Movement.
GUTFELD: Yes, no, no.
BILA: It bothers me with the double standard though because like, she robs him of the moment that's totally inappropriate and why? It's okay because she's Katy Perry?
GUTFELD: Yes, that's why I said, it's totally arrogant. And Charlie, maybe you know, in a couple years, he'll change his mind and say, "You know what, this was."
HURT: And sue her.
GUTFELD: And sue her, why not?
HURT: And he could do it under the #metoo movement.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Exactly.
HURT: I mean, it is a double standard. Like you say, it does raise a lot of questions about how seriously all of these people are about the #MeToo movement.
GUTFELD: Hashtag. Not pound. Where are you from? What is he talking about pound me too? I mean, do you work for a telemarketing firm? What's pound? We know it's hashtag.
HURT: It's a pound sign. Isn't it? Pound. That's pound, right?
GUTFELD: All right, Kris, it is an obvious point of a male judge did this to a female virgin, like he would be fired, right?
FRIED: Yes, well, he didn't say he was a virgin, he just didn't kiss anybody. We don't know. We don't know what he is doing.
FRIED: That was my last thing that I've ever -- on the basis.
GUTFELD: On the basis.
FRIED: I skipped first.
GUTFELD: You ran in the wrong direction.
FRIED: Yes, yes.
GUTFELD: That is terrible.
FRIEDL: Overall, yes, I don't -- you know, years ago, that would be cute and people wouldn't talk about it. It bothers me a little bit when they do the cheap little plug like, "Kiss the girl, like, it's her song." I don't know, and then Luke Bryan is getting all like, he is suspicious if you ask me. He got too excited about it.
He got his phone out like there's not cameras all around. "Yes, yes, let's do this." He's like really pumped. He's like, "Hey, I have a song called "Strip it down." Let's do that."
GUTFELD: It is a really bad, bad show. I watched -- I mean, I just watched the first part, but American Idol, you know what it is? I call it a friend flashlight, when you see somebody audition who is awful or weird, it means they lack people in their lives who care enough to tell you to stop chasing your destructive dreams.
Like if I told my wife I want to go on "American Idol" because you've heard me sing, she would be like, "Greg, you are not going near that because I care about you." I always think like where are the people? Where are the friends that stop people from going on these shows? Where are the friends who are like in the "Bachelor," who say, "That's is not a good plan." Thirty women chasing one guy, it's not a good look for you. Yes, anyway.
BILA: Maybe their friends want to see them, because it's entertaining.
GUTFELD: No, there are no friends. That's my point.
BILA: No, maybe there are friends though that want to see them.
GUTFELD: They are no friends. They are no friends.
BILA: Honestly, because it's just TV.
GUTFELD: That entire TV show, "Friends," is a lie.
BILA: That's my favorite show.
GUTFELD: Nobody hung out like that.
GUTFELD: No, it was a terrible show. It was a big lie. Don't go anywhere. The end of the show is near and so is the end of the world.
Well, we're almost out of time. So, thanks to Jedediah, great job. Hope to see you again soon. Charlie Hurt, great. Katherine Timpf. Kris Fried. Studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you.
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