This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 17, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino along with Jedediah Bila, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City, and this is “The Five.”

President Trump and Democrats had to collide on two key issues, the border wall and Obamacare. First, with the potential partial government shutdown looming just four days away, the White House and Democrats continue to clash over border spending. Senator Chuck Schumer claiming there's no way lawmakers will green light funding for the wall.


SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER,D-N.Y., SENATE MINORITY LEADER: President Trump should understand there are not the votes for the wall in the House or the Senate.  He's not going to get the wall in any form. Even the House, which is a majority Republican, they don't have the votes for his $5 billion wall plan.


PERINO: But White House advisor, Stephen Miller, says the president is not going to blink on the issue.


STEPHEN MILLER, WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR: We're going to do whatever is necessary to build the border wall to stop this ongoing crisis of illegal immigration. The Democrat Party has a simple choice. They can either choose to fight for America's working class or to promote illegal immigration. You can't do both.


PERINO: Also, President Trump ready to replace Obamacare after a federal judge rules it to be unconstitutional. Democrats already lining up to challenge the decision. President Obama and other top Democrats are vowing to fight while others are using it to push for universal healthcare, which we will probably hear a lot about.

Can we just call up the president's tweet about the border if we could?  And I will provide that to the viewer where he said, "Anytime you hear a Democrat saying that you can have a good border security without a wall, write them off as just another politician following the party line. Time to save us billions of dollars a year and have, at the same time, far greater safety and control." Greg?

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: That was -- the border was spelled correctly in that tweet, did you notice that? Look, it's -- I can solve this problem. Combine the border wall and Obamacare. If you build the wall, you get free healthcare. That's why I'm 2024 everybody. What I find interesting -- nobody -- no one likes that idea?

(CROSSTALK)  PERINO: How's that going to work?

GUTFELD: I don't know --


GUTFELD: Mexico builds a wall, gets free healthcare. Here's -- the irony of all this, I'm punch-drunk. For the Democrats, governor -- government is the answer for everything, right? It's the answer right now for healthcare, you know? Obamacare is government. It's for everything except the wall. That is where the government happily abdicates the responsibility and says we want nothing to do with it, which makes no sense at all. So, if you say the government should take over healthcare, why don't you do the wall as well? I don't understand it.

PERINO: Jesse, a poll in the USA Today poll, I think this is pretty interesting. Yes, it's true, majority of Americans oppose a government shutdown, but it was only 54 percent, 54 to 29 percent.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: I think the country has a stomach for a shutdown. And so, what, you can't go to the national parks, who cares?

PERINO: Well, the parks gets to stay open.

WATTERS: Yeah, even better, even better. So, probably rockets to 75 percent. In the spirit of Greg's bipartisanship, I think Trump hit the nail on the head when he said put solar panels on the wall --


WATTERS: -- to get the Democrats to vote for it. The president said he wants the ownership of the shutdown. I don't think he necessarily needs to take that because I believe the Democrats in the Senate would own the shutdown. If you think about the fact that this president was elected by the American people to provide border security, he has a mandate to build the wall.

Currently, he still has control over the House and the Senate. If they send up to the Senate wall funding at $5 billion in a budget, then it's the Senate Democrats who are the intransigent ones and should own the shutdown.  I don't understand how this is being framed as Donald Trump's fault. Look at the spending. He only wants $3.5 billion more in a $4 trillion budget.  I ran the numbers, Dana.

PERINO: Right.

WATTERS: That comes out to .075 percent.

PERINO: Not a lot.

WATTERS: Less than one-tenth of a percent. That's what they're fighting over. You don't understand it's not about security. It's not about principles. It's just about politics. They don't want to hand the president a victory. And the other reason is they know wall's work. And they don't want to leave a lasting reminder that Trump was president --


WATTERS: -- for everybody to see for generations.

GUTFELD: It'd be the Trump wall.

WATTERS: Exactly.

PERINO: So, Juan --

WATTERS: It's a statue they can't tear down.

GUTFELD: Yes, it takes a while.

PERINO: Do you want to talk about the shutdown possibilities or Obamacare, or do you want to do something very innovative like Greg did and combined the two.

JUAN WILLIAMS, FOX NEWS HOST: I was overwhelmed by peanut butter and jelly. I got to tell you. But on the other hand, I think you guys are just making a spoof out of this because it's just, you know, it's kind of crazy, you know. I mean, you said, oh, what's difference. I'm going to tell you something, what Schumer said is right. He has the House and he has the Senate but he doesn't have the votes.

WATTERS: I don't believe Schumer.


WILLIAMS: Why doesn't the House vote, Jesse?

WATTERS: They will.


WATTERS: They're waiting for crunch time.

WILLIAMS: Yeah. Well, let me tell you, crunch time is going to come.  Half of them won't even be there because a lot of the people who are defeated are just staying home.


WILLIAMS: So, this is not a good situation for the president. And so, Jesse, while you say, hey, you think the Democrats should take responsibility. Let's go to the videotape.

WATTERS: Yeah, I know he did it.

WILLIAMS: He said it

WATTERS: I agree.

WILLIAMS: And so, Mitch McConnell, who's the Senate majority leader, has already said he doesn't want this. He's trying to figure out because he doesn't want to buck the president. He wants to stay loyal to the president.

WATTERS: Well, he's on record as saying he wants --


WILLIAMS: You know what's on record he's saying? He wants Trump's support when he's up for reelection next year.

WATTERS: And he'll get it.

WILLIAMS: Yeah, fine. But he can't -- but nobody in the Senate takes this seriously. In fact, what you heard from John Cornyn when he saw Trump take responsibility for the coming shutdown say, oh, my God. What did he do? I can't believe --

PERINO: Well, there's no political --

(CROSSTALK)  WATTERS: The buck stops here. I guess he stole it from Truman.

PERINO: There was a lot of political pressure before the midterms with Republican saying, don't say you're going to shutdown the government before the midterms. But now the midterms are over, the Republicans kept the Senate, they lost a lot of seats in the House like 39, 40 seats in the House. So now that political pressure isn't there. So this shutdown could last a while.

JEDEDIAH BILA, FOX NEWS HOST: That's true. And I think he's taking credit for the shutdown because he wants to prove that he has some guts.  Republicans are always such a bunch of scaredy cats. Democrats run with this language about a government shutdown, they scare the heck out of everybody. They don't tell you that your social security checks are still going to go out. Medicare and Medicaid are going to function properly.  The military is going to stay on. The post office is going to stay open.

Instead, they make you feel like it's Armageddon. And he's sitting there, Trump, and he's saying, you know what, if I have to shut down, do this partial shutdown of the government, like you said maybe some of the parks won't stay open or maybe they will, I'm going to do it because this issue of border security is that important. This is humanitarian crisis going on at the border. If no other Republican has the guts to say I'm either going to get this done or I'm going to have to do a partial shutdown to show that I'm not kidding. He's willing to do it and I commend him for that.

I do think, though, that it shows these two issues that we're talking about. We're talking about Obamacare. We're talking about the border. I think it shows such a vast difference in terms of how the left and the right view the world that when Trump was optimistic about them coming together and saying, oh, on these issues, you know, I have a lot of Democratic friends. I think we can sit at the table.

I don't know. I mean, when you're talking about free-market healthcare and on the other side you've got something as drastic as Medicare for all, that is government run healthcare versus individuals running their own healthcare, making their own decisions. Those things are worlds and worlds apart. I don't know how you meet in the middle --

GUTFELD: What you're talking about is we've talked about this before.  We're living in the prison of two ideas, both of these -- but you're talking healthcare and the wall are in the prison of two ideas. The Republicans they like order and Democrats -- we like compassion. So they think that these can't be combined. So you're in a prison of two ideas.

Then you look at Obamacare. Republicans say free-market solution. The Democrats say compassion, government-centered solutions. Again, no one believes that they can come together, so you're in a prison of two ideas.  When, in fact, there is a solution in the middle for each one of these things. It's going -- I think all of it is going to be solved by technology.


WATTERS: I've always said the wall is compassionate. It's compassionate to the American worker and it's compassionate for all these people coming up from Central America. They don't have to risk --

PERINO: That's right.

GUTFELD: Your hair is the wall.

WATTERS: Thank you.


WILLIAMS: Did you say he's hair is the wall?

GUTFELD: Yes, look at that.


WILLIAMS: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: You could not get through that, Juan.

WILLIAMS: It's like a brick. It's like a brick house up there.

WATTERS: That's what we need down there.

WILLIAMS: Is it the spray? Spray the wall.

WATTERS: I don't disclose the product.



WILLIAMS: But I must say -- wait a second, Republicans had been in charge, Greg, and they hadn't been able to repeal and replace Obamacare, right?  And Obamacare is now -- this is unbelievable, it is so popular --


GUTFELD: It's like something that's just been hanging around to the point where people think, oh, it's still there. Let it stay. But I do think that technology -- you're already seeing doctors doing -- basically Facetime and Skype visits. Technology is going to solve this problem if we let it.


WILLIAMS: You know what I think --

GUTFELD: It will make it cheaper.  BILA: And your point about compassion is the key. You're right because they twist that word, the left twist the word, where the compassion. It's not compassionate to have humanitarian crisis at the border. It's not compassionate to have healthcare cost rising for people that they can't afford and having them -- now have plan -- having a program that was shoved down their throat with lies where they can't keep their plan, they can't keep their doctor. Government-run healthcare is not compassionate anywhere. That's why people flee those countries and comes to the United States --

WILLIAMS: Oh, I see. So, in other words, people who are suffering from the opioid crisis and can't afford to get care or attention for medical -- oh, that's compassionate --

BILA: You would be able to afford it --

WILLIAMS: -- you're just keep going in that direction.

BILA: -- if you had competition in the market --


WILLIAMS: Oh, it is the Republicans. Republican -- if you -- it proved your way -- by the way, you've said Republicans like order?


WILLIAMS: What's going on if you do away with Obamacare right now?  There's chaos in terms of --


PERINO: Here's the thing that everyone should know is that nothing is changing. So if you have Obamacare and -- you don't have to worry. At this point, everything is still --

GUTFELD: Maybe you can find the doctor that you lost.


GUTFELD: Can you go back and find your old doctor?

PERINO: All right, we're going to move on. James Comey back on Capitol Hill today and he's going after President Trump, Republicans, and even Fox News.


PERINO: We'll show you, next.


WATTERS: It's on teddy (ph). Even Greg likes it. James Comey back on Capitol Hill today after telling lawmakers over a week ago he didn't know, couldn't remember, was unable to recall a staggering 245 times. The former FBI director very combative afterwards taking shots of the president, Republicans, and Fox News.



JAMES COMEY, FORMER FBI DIRECTOR: Another day of Hillary Clinton's e-mails and the Steele dossier. This, while the President of the United States, is lying about the FBI, attacking the FBI, and attacking the rule of law in this country. At some point, someone has to stand up. And in the face of fear of Fox News, fear of their base, fear of mean tweets, stand up for the values of this country and not slink away into retirement. The FBI's reputation is taking a big hit because of the President of the United States, with his acolytes, has lied about it constantly. And to face those lies a whole lot of good people who watch your network believe that nonsense.


WATTERS: I think Comey's Boy Scout image, squeaky clean, I'm not really feeling it anymore, Greg. He seems cynical and jaded and hyper partisan to me.

GUTFELD: You know, he hurt my feelings because -- I'm sad that he's scared of me. I mean, but you know, the fact is, this is a charade of honesty, right? He said he was unable to recall something, something like 250 times. Before, he always talks about how he's willing to go there and willing to talk, but then when he sits down, he says nothing.

He's like the guy that says, sure, I'll come over and help you move. But them when he gets there, all he does is drink the beer and eat the pizza that you paid for, but doesn't lift a finger. He keeps talking about how honest he is, but he deals in mean tweets. He deals in platitudes. He deals in attack -- he thinks he's a Boy Scout but he's more like -- just a disgruntled pitbull.

WATTERS: He also -- Jedediah talks about how the president is trying to destroy the reputation of the FBI. The president feels like the FBI has wronged him and there's been a lot of bad apples at the FBI that have resigned, been demoted, gotten in trouble for, you know, lying and doing all sorts of really inappropriate things. It's not all on the president.  They've kind of, you know, dug their own grave to some extent.

BILA: Yeah. This is the guy who withheld information from the FISA court, exonerated Hillary Clinton before he even interviewed her or her aides.  He's a joke. I mean, he really -- he has -- he's the only person that I've seen up there that has less self-awareness than Hillary Clinton.

He just has no sense that he comes off so antagonistic, takes no responsibility. The fact that somebody asked him a question about the FBI, about whether he felt at all responsible for its reputation going south, and he just came flat out, no, not me, immediately shifted blame to the president, it's outrageous.

And also, think about it. If a private citizen went into one of these forums and had to answer these questions and gave 200-plus versions of I don't know and I don't recall, when they were involved in two enormous scandals under their roles as leadership, that wouldn't fly.

I don't understand how he gets away with just saying he doesn't remember and doesn't have to provide some answers as to why he withheld all this information with respect to the dossier, the fact that it was unverified, the fact that it was funded by the Hillary campaign.

I mean, there's numerous questions that he's on the line for. And I think it's really interesting that he chooses to instead sound like he's running for president of the Democratic ticket and not provide adequate answers to people who have legitimate concerns.

WATTERS: And, Juan, I really dislike how he went after Fox News. How dare he attack the first amendment in this country?

WILLIAMS: Yeah, gee, I don't think anybody on Fox News pushes any of the president's agenda --

WATTERS: We know your agenda, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Yeah, yeah. How about the truth. Here's the thing about what you guys are going after Comey, as if Comey is the villain in this story, I guess that means Trump is your hero. But to me, Comey is on target when he says they've been going after the FBI. They've been putting -- he, President Trump, diminishes the FBI because he doesn't like what they have to say. He also diminishes the CIA, diminishes anybody who doesn't agree with President Trump.

GUTFELD: Duh. You just learned this? That he criticizes people?

WILLIAMS: Yeah. But I'm just saying the -- it used to be Republicans stood up for law and order.

GUTFELD: Juan, he is an equal opportunity criticizer.

WILLIAMS: No, I'm just saying --

GUTFELD: He gets it.

WILLIAMS: But why? And this is the second part of what Comey did today, he said the entire Republican establishment, both in the Senate and the House, have just basically lay down for Trump.


WILLIAMS: It's become not the Republican Party, the party of Trump. And Jim Comey said, hey, you need to stand up. That's why he said what he said about Fox News.

GUTFELD: I think -- if we had a Rubio in the White House, you'd be saying it's now the party of Rubio, because the media and the Democrats would have focus and said hateful things about Rubio for two years because he's so pro-life.

WILLIAMS: Oh, no. President Bush had a tough time with the media.  President Bush had a tough time with fellow Republicans. Nobody said it was the party of Bush.


WATTERS: President Obama had a real problem with the media, right, Juan?

GUTFELD: Right now there's a movie --


GUTFELD: There's a move about Dick Cheney right now that is supposed to rip him to shreds and did a terrible job because they didn't rip him to shred enough. So that tells you that no matter who you are, as long as you're Republican, the media pop-culture Democrats are going to hate your guts.

WATTERS: All right. Tie it up for us, Dana.

PERINO: OK. So, Juan mentioned like the -- Comey mentions the Republicans who aren't speaking out and saying the president is wrong. But what Democrats on the Hill actually said that Hillary was wrong about Benghazi or which Democrats came out and said having a private email server was wrong? Basically, you would defend your team. To say you're on a team and that's the way it is.

WILLIAMS: I think lots of people had trouble with that e-mail server.

PERINO: Well, but they didn't say anything. But they've all said it was no big deal.

WILLIAMS: That's what they've said.

PERINO: They're no big deal, right? So, the other thing is, is that President Trump's nominees and FBI director, Christopher Wray, you never see him. He doesn't do media. He's just doing his job. And I think that -- there's command -- he commands respect for that.

GUTFELD: He's a handsome fellow too.  WATTERS: All right, Democrats 2020 plan to go all in on identity politics had just hit a major roadblock, next.


WILLIAMS: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Beto O'Rourke, they're the top Democratic contenders in a new 2020 Iowa poll, the trio besting Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and 20 other contenders among all caucus goers. But one senator worried about a lack of diversity hurting the party in 2020.


SEN. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND, D-N.Y.: I aspire for our country to recognize the beauty of our diversity in some point in the future. And I hope someday we have a woman president. I love the fact that Barack Obama was our president for eight years. I hope more people of color not only aspire and win the presidency because that's what makes America so extraordinary that we are all of that. We are everything. And I think a more exclusive America is a stronger America.


WILLIAMS: Jedediah, what do you make of that?

BILA: I mean, she drives me crazy, actually, ever since her comments about Kavanaugh. She was so unhinged that I can't even look at her the same after that. I think it's interesting that they only see -- Democrats only see race, your age. They compartmentalized you all the time and it doesn't work.

I mean, if they knew anything about any of this, Bernie Sanders -- they talk about age with Joe Biden how maybe because he's too old to beat somebody young on the ticket. Bernie Sanders -- he's 77-years-old right now. He did great with young people. He brought out more young people than anyone. Hillary Clinton, brand a woman, thought that was going to do great with women. Women didn't go out and vote for her. They weren't inspired.

WILLIAMS: She won women.

BILA: Yeah. But not well. Not like what they thought she was going to do. I mean, there was so many women that didn't go out and vote. There's so many women that have pollsters, they thought they were going to do great with women because of her, and that's not how it worked out.

So, I think it's to their detriment. I do think that somebody like Joe Biden could be interesting because he has widespread appeal. But it would be great if Democrats just learned the lesson that why don't you find somebody that can articulate a positive message, that can inspire people and forget it.

Forget whether they're, you know, black or white, or what their race is, what their gender, just find someone that can make people excited.  President Obama did not make people excited because of his race. He made people excited because he was good at this. He was good at politics. He was good at articulating a message. He was good at getting on the campaign trail and doing things well. Find that person regardless.

WILLIAMS: Maybe they could find somebody who was orange. Anyway, Jesse --

WATTERS: We already did that.

BILA: He's pretty good at it too.  WILLIAMS: Jesse, let me go over the numbers because there's so interesting to me, 32 percent of these Iowa caucus goers like Joe Biden. Then -- it's a big jump down, 19 percent, Sanders is their first choice, 11 percent Beto O'Rourke, and everybody else is an afterthought. What do you make of that?

WATTERS: Well, it looks like the Democrats are the party of white privilege, Juan. That's what the Democrat base wants. They want straight white males and, you know, I'm just ashamed of you guys for being --

WILLIAMS: Thank you.

WATTERS: -- superficial.


WATTERS: Listen, I think the Beto momentum is real. You know, who would have ever thought he'd be on that poll at that high of a level. Biden has some choices to make and he's got to make them over Christmas break. It's either now or never. And Sanders -- Sanders still has a good 20 percent of the party and he'll never lose it.

But none of those three people, I think, really are acceptable to a fringe group of Democrats. I mean, ideally, some Democratic activists would like to nominate a transgender Native American atheist to be their nominee.


WATTERS: No offense. And anything less is unacceptable. I totally agree with Jedediah. It's not about identity. It's just about policy and charisma. Barack Obama was a black American. Was he any different than any other Democrat that they would have nominated? Hillary Clinton, policy wise, would she be any different than any liberal Democrat? No. So it's not about your gender or your race. It's really about your inspiration level.

WILLIAMS: By the way, Dana, I see here it says in May of '07, John Edwards was leading this poll.


WILLIAMS: And on the Republicans side, Mitt Romney. So neither --

PERINO: Remember -- but then -- so I think -- these polls at this point in time are solely about name I.D. So, Joe Biden got a 99 percent name I.D., so that's why he's at the top of this, so don't put too much other stock in it. But Beto O'Rourke that he has enough name I.D. to get there at this point I think it's good. I'm going to quote an article, Jesse. I do recommend this.

The New York Times, David Leonhardt, this morning writes a piece about -- and he's a liberal progressive type of economics guy. He said the Democrats stop it with the identity politics in the checklist. Whoever can articulate an economic populist message is the one that can win because that's what President Trump appealed to. So if this is the direction you need to go in. Basically begging them to stop with the trying to figure out the identity checklists that Gillibrand was talking --

WILLIAMS: Well, in fact, what he did is he talked about people who voted for Obama, and then switched to voting for Donald Trump --

PERINO: And then voted for Democrats in the midterms.

WILLIAMS: Yeah. In the midterms the key was, you know what -- and this is where Greg and I always get into a feud, most of these people say they like the idea of Medicare for all. They like free tuition for their kids --

PERINO: I like it when we read the same article, Juan.

WILLIAMS: I'm telling you. And, Greg --


WILLIAMS: -- so the bottom of this barrel is so interesting to me, because you don't see people like guess what? You know, Elizabeth Warren.

GUTFELD: I know. I think that ship has sailed. I don't know how she gets out of that one.

You know what? We have to remind ourselves how Trump won. It was the contrast theory. It was there was 17 alikes and one person who was different. Right? So everybody kind of blended.

And when did we see that? The first debate when Trump was up there and seemed so different from everybody else, starting with the Rosie O'Donnell question, which had -- was an answer no one had ever seen in a debate, which basically -- everybody. And remember, they asked about raising the hands? It was the same debate. I mean, it just immediately made him different.

So this is what's going to happen, I think, with the Democratic Party, is they're going to have 20 people, whatever, but there's going to be one person that is the most persuasive, because they're different. And it may not be about ideology or policy. It just may be about persuasiveness, a person that is optimistic. And the optimism could come from bringing America back together after years of -- they could say four years of division.

But the other thing could be about compromise. Because one of the reasons why women favor women as a candidate is because they believe they were more willing to compromise then men. That's according to Pew Research, Dana. I checked it out.

So the fact is, the pendulum swing could be towards compromise and optimism for the party. But it has to be -- it's going to be somebody who stands out. And by the way, it still could be Bernie. Because he still kind of stands out, with that hair. He's no Jesse.


WATTERS: Who is?

WILLIAMS: What are you doing? Who's going to compete with Jesse on here?  You saw what happened last week.

WATTERS: Rob Schmidt.

WILLIAMS: All right. Is political correctness killing James Bond? Greg - - that's a surprise -- but Greg breaks down the double-oh seven drinking controversy. That's when "The Five" comes right back. Stay with us.


GUTFELD: James Bond is a drunk. Yes, some British scientists sat through every single Bond movie in order to scold us about men who dare to drink.  Turns out he has four per movie and then engages in risky behaviors.

But guys, James Bond is a fictional character. He's not real. Someone made him up.

What's next for you researchers? Condemn Porky Pig for perversion, since he never wears pants? Or criticize the Hulk because he keeps destroying his?

And while four drinks per movie does sound like a lot, with fiction, you've got to remember time is different. A movie could take place over a month or a year. I once watched "Love, Actually," and it seemed like a lifetime.

So saying Bond is a drunk for having four drinks in a two-hour movie, that's like saying how awesome it is that we can get across the universe in a couple of hours, because that's how long the last "Star Trek" movie lasted.

So what does this stupid study tell us? Well, that some scientists are starved for attention, which we just gave them. And that the gender cops of academia are spreading their wet blanket across any behavior they deem masculine, and that's what Bond was.

So what exactly do these people want? A completely sanitized, politically- correct James Bond. Well, the folks at "The Greg Gutfeld Show" have given you one. Take a look.


ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, Bond is back like you've never seen him before.

GENE NELSON, ACTOR (FLOURISHING A BANANA): Are you hungry? I had an extra one.

DION BAIA, ACTOR/AUTHOR: You're not going to hurt me?

NELSON: Of course not. Violence is so uncivilized.

ANNOUNCER: It's the same James Bond you know and love, rewritten to please even the most progressive, socially-conscious moviegoer in 2018.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What will it be, sir? Let me guess: martini.  Shaken, not stirred?

NELSON: Latte. Soy latte, extra decaf.


NELSON: Are the beans sustainably sourced? I only drink organic, farm- raised, homegrown, cruelty-free coffee.


ANNOUNCER: With intrigue and suspense.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Your move, 007.

NELSON: Is it? No, seriously, is it? I don't know how to play this game.  I saw at a TED talk recently that competitive activities only encourage toxic masculinity and marginalize disenfranchised communities into unjust hierarchical structures, reinforced by a bigoted and corrupt system.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're bluffing.

NELSON: What's a bluff?

ANNOUNCER: And it isn't a Bond film without seduction.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, James, I've had a really lovely evening. Care to come inside?

NELSON: You know, I don't appreciate the heteronormative assumptions in your proposition. It's regressive anti-neo-feminist rhetoric like that that perpetuates a patriarchal society of oppression and gendered subjugation, not the least of which I care to contribute to.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You could have just said no.

ANNOUNCER: So get ready for the most politically-correct secret agent of all time. No guns, no gambling, no girls. It's James Bond in "The Spy Who Consensually Agreed in Writing She Loved Me."

NELSON: You must be Q?


NELSON: Of course.

GRAPHIC: Coming soon



JEDEDIAH BILA, HOST: That's great.

GUTFELD: Yes, Gene, he's born to play Bond. Or the new Bond, I think.  That was Gene Nelson, who works on "The G.G. Show."

PERINO: You have four drinks per movie, too.


PERINO: When you're watching.

GUTFELD: When I'm watching. That is so true.

WATTERS: Four drinks in two hours is a slow night.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

WILLIAMS: You know what's great? The title of this study.


WILLIAMS: "Licensed to Swill."

GUTFELD: It was actually -- you know what they're -- the message was?  That it's the drinking that leads to questionable behavior of James Bond.

WILLIAMS: Yes, like fighting, gambling.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

WILLIAMS: Jumping on women, that kind of stuff.


WATTERS: I think he's just stressed from saving the world.


WATTERS: I mean, you try to save the world sober.


WATTERS: You need a cocktail.

GUTFELD: But also, the fact is, movies have a time span.

PERINO: Right.

GUTFELD: I mean, this is like watching "Forrest Gump" and going, "How did he live 30 years in two hours?"

PERINO: In two hours.

WATTERS: I thought you'd never seen that movie.

GUTFELD: I never have.

WILLIAMS: Wait a second. What would you say if he was smoking?

GUTFELD: I would be OK with it.


GUTFELD: I'm OK with it.

JEDEDIAH BILA, HOST: It's a fictional character.

WILLIAMS: Have you noticed they've stopped, now, smoking in a lot of movies? Because -- and I think this is, you know -- I appreciate the model, but he serious part is you don't want to encourage people to drink and drive, for example.

GUTFELD: Right, right.

WILLIAMS: Or you think smoking actually kills you.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, a lot of things do.

BILA: Yes, but people don't -- that's the assumption that people always make, that you're looking at movies, and you're going to model your life --


BILA: -- after the fictional characters.


BILA: And I like to see extreme behaviors in movies. That's what makes it interesting. Like Liam Neeson in "Taken."


BILA: I don't believe that Liam Neeson would actually be able to do those things. But that's why it's entertainment.

GUTFELD: Are you sure, though?

BILA: I don't know. Maybe.

GUTFELD: Liam Neeson seems like a pretty tough guy.

BILA: Maybe he could.


BILA: But they sanitize everything, even serial killers, in movies. I love horror films. Now we've got to psychoanalyze them. Oh, his relationship with his mother.


BILA: I don't care about his relationship with his mother. I want to watch a horror movie. You know?

GUTFELD: You want to see them -- you want to see them hack people to bits.

BILA: I want to see the gore, yes.

GUTFELD: You want them covered in blood, wearing somebody's face.

Dana, you said the accent was dead on, according to your husband.

PERINO: Peter, who's British, of course, he watches and said that Gene, your staffer, said that is an excellent British accent.


PERINO: Very, very good. Your team does an amazing job.


WATTERS: I mean, where is the "Watters' World" staff? Come on. You guys have some serious talent on "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: You are terrible.

WATTERS: I mean, God. Hello.


GUTFELD: -- to your staff.

PERINO: Of course, there's Dion. Dion Baia right there, who has a new book out.

BILA: Making a cameo.

WATTERS: I mean, no offense to the "Watters' World" staff.

GUTFELD: You just offended --

WATTERS: Bang-up job.

GUTFELD: They are going to sabotage you and then next year --

WATTERS: You wouldn't be able to tell.

GUTFELD: Terrible.

All right. A parrot ordering from Amazon and an inmate suing to smoke pot.  I'd do that. Headlines that you won't believe are true, next.


BILA: And now for some stories making headlines that you're not going to believe are actually true.

First up, this South Carolina inmate is serving a life sentence for murder but apparently, James Rose thinks he has a right to smoke pot in prison.  The convict is suing the state's Department of Corrections, arguing his Rastafarian religion entitles him to get high while behind bars.

I don't know, Greg. I think this is something you might be capable of.  Don't quote me on it.

GUTFELD: I'm all for -- I'm all for clever activity, but he is a murderer.  So like, if this was some -- a different crime, then I would be OK with manipulating the law, but he is a murderer.

On the other hand, you know, pot does kill your ambition. And if you're smoking it every day, he might be less violent.

BILA: Yes, but you know his Rastafarian religion, I was reading about it, dreadlocks and pot are key. They're considered sacred. So what if that's true, Jesse? I mean, what if that's the same thing as, you know, something else, a parallel from another religion. And maybe he's got a point.

GUTFELD: There is altar boy wine.

WATTERS: Indians are allowed to take peyote. And that's legal.

GUTFELD: Is that true?


BILA: Yes.

WATTERS: It's a religious experience for them. I mean, if you're Muslim, you can't be forced to eat pork. Or if you're Quaker, they can't ship you off to war.

I agree with this. If I ever got locked up, I'm going to convert to Rastafarianism just to get me through my time, and then I'm going to sell it so people keep their hands off me.

PERINO: And you 'e on your way to having dreadlocks.


WILLIAMS: Is that true?

WATTERS: No, Juan.

WILLIAMS: That's fake news. Peyote. They don't let people take peyote.

WATTERS: I have it right here. I have a legal backgrounder right here.

WILLIAMS: Is that true?

WATTERS: Yes. State law, pertinent part.

BILA: Yes. Well, think about it.

WATTERS: Confession. Transportation is legal.

GUTFELD: I had no idea.

BILA: Where would the cutoff be? I mean, think about it. Because if you allow one religious group to -- what, are you going to tell one no and say yes to somebody else?

WILLIAMS: Look, I'm a Christian. I don't think they say, "Hey, Juan, here. Here's a bottle of wine." I don't think they do that.

GUTFELD: They should.

WILLIAMS: They should. Maybe I'll get you to represent me.

GUTFELD: I will. I'll drink the wine.

WATTERS: Yes, you get communion in prison.


BILA: All right. We've got more, because up next, a sneaky parrot named Rocco has reportedly been using Amazon Alexa to go on shopping sprees when its owner isn't home.

All right, Dana. This guy --

PERINO: I wish we had sound so that we could hear him doing it, because I don't even know how to order stuff on my Alexa. So I could use a lesson.

GUTFELD: That's why I don't think this story is true.

BILA: Well, he's ordering watermelon, ice cream, and a tea kettle, which I fancy, frankly.

PERINO: Well, I don't know you can order watermelon from Amazon.

BILA: That's what it says.

GUTFELD: I think the lady is blaming it on the bird. She says her bird is foul-mouthed. No, the lady is. She was -- she just wants to return the watermelon, because it spoiled.

WATTERS: Yes, she got drunk, and then she regretted her purchases.


WATTERS: She can't pay for it, because she's broke. And blamed the parrot.

GUTFELD: Blaming the parrot.

WILLIAMS: Doesn't Amazon own a grocery store?

GUTFELD: Yes, it owns everything. It owns this studio, I believe.

WILLIAMS: I forgot.

GUTFELD: Free shipping. We can ship Juan in two days.

WATTERS: Not fast enough. We need overnight delivery.

GUTFELD: Get Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime, we put Juan in a box.

WILLIAMS: Don't you think you've got to give the bird credit? That's a --

BILA: I do.

WILLIAMS: If it's true -- as you say, you doubt it. But if it's true, that's a smart bird.

BILA: It is.

GUTFELD: I think it's like when you blame the dog for one thing. She's blaming the bird for something else.

BILA: The bird uses the Alexa for listening to romantic music, as well.


BILA: I'd like to point that out.

All right. We have one more. Finally, millennials are looking to learn basic life skills like cooking and sewing. And they can now take so-called adulting classes. The courses are reportedly expanding across the country, with some even offering curriculums on time management and even on how to deal with love.

I don't know, Greg. I mean, I don't know how to sew a button on.

GUTFELD: No, neither do I. And the fact is, we used to have this class.  It was called Home Ec. And I think it was in -- I don't know when it started, eighth grade? I don't know if the boys were in it when I was my age. But maybe it should, because I have no -- I have absolutely no practical skills. I can't sew. I haven't changed a tire in probably 30 years.

BILA: Same for me.

GUTFELD: I don't think I could. My wife dresses me, practically. But what do you need to learn now when everything's on this? What do you need to learn? You just, like, look it up on YouTube.

BILA: Yes, yes.

PERINO: Well, I think, one, that they are using "adulting" as a verb, really --

GUTFELD: That's -- got you.

WATTERS: That's what gets me.

BILA: That's the point.

PERINO: And this is on the parents. Right? If you -- we can't make fun of them, because Generation X are the parents of these people.

GUTFELD: They're trying.

BILA: The part that angers people is that they -- is the love section.  They're learning, you know, how to say, "I love you" to somebody and how to navigate a relationship. And that, I think, you can blame on that phone.

WATTERS: Yes, you -- I'd make a great professor in that university.  Right? Just "Here's what you do, kids."

Now, they're going to go after Trump University for fraud, but this place, Adult University, gets off scot-free? I'd go after these people so hard.  What, going to put a turkey in the oven. Put it to 450. "Hey, hand over the tuition"? It's a crock.

WILLIAMS: I'm really surprised at this, because I thought you guys were going to say this is real-life education and preparation.

GUTFELD: I agree.

WILLIAMS: And you think people like me, you know, a liberal arts education, you know, you're off there talking about philosophy and ideas.  You don't know how to live in the world. That's what I thought you were going to say.

GUTFELD: I think this is good. I agree.

WILLIAMS: I've got to say, one of the things that struck me as I was growing up was I don't know how to buy a stock or sell a stock. Or --

PERINO: I don't either.

WILLIAMS: -- look at the P-E ratio. I wish somebody had taught me.

WATTERS: You call a stockbroker, and you say, "Here's my money."

WILLIAMS: Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's like my wife. You know, "What do you want for dinner?" "Reservations."


WATTERS: Why? How do you?

GUTFELD: The kids are going, like, "Why does he do that?"

WATTERS: What, are you on speaker? You just hit a button?

GUTFELD: Yes. You have -- people just do this now. (LIFTS CELL PHONE TO HIS EAR) Or they do this. I hate this. (HOLDS UP CELL PHONE FLAT IN FRONT OF HIS MOUTH AS IF IT'S ON SPEAKER)

WATTERS: I don't like that either.

PERINO: I hate people at the airport who do that.

GUTFELD: It's from -- it's from reality shows. They've been watching too many "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" or "Real Housewives," and everybody talks like this.

WILLIAMS: How about Chaffetz, coming towards me, and he's talking, and I think he's talking to me.

GUTFELD: Talking to you!

WILLIAMS: But he's got these little things in his head.

GUTFELD: You know what, though? How lucky that he was talking to somebody else.

WILLIAMS: Yes, I'm lucky.

WATTERS: The deep state is real.


BILA: It's true, though, a lot of skill sets are being lost. Maybe they'll send me to an adulting class. I'll come back and tell you what I learned.

GUTFELD: There you go.

BILA: "One More Thing" is coming up next.


PERINO: It's time now for "One More Thing." And Juan kicks us off.

WILLIAMS: All right. So a young man, Xander, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, had a special wish for Christmas. All he wanted was for his soldier dad to come home for the holidays.

Well, here we are, a week before Christmas, and little Xander was allowed to open a giant Christmas present early. Watch what was inside the package.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What is it? What is it?




WILLIAMS: Yes, that's right. His dad made it home. Such a touching moment for the two and a happy holiday, for sure, to come.

Thank you to all the men and women serving our country in the armed forces, and this is a reminder also. Thank you to their families and their children here at home, as well as overseas. Merry Christmas.

PERINO: Absolutely. That was a good tear-jerker. Welcome home to you.

All right. So they normally come down the chimney, but this time they're coming through the front door. This is Santa and Mrs. Claus. They're part of the Secret Sleigh Project. This is a group that organizes holiday visits for medically home-bound children, and it's based in Fort Collins, Colorado. Of course, you know I love Colorado. And it's started there, but it's grown to almost every state and several other countries on nearly every continent. They just started it 4 years ago and have had that much progress.

And if you want to find out how you might be able to help them or participate, or if you need a visit, So check them out.


GUTFELD: So you've had two really nice "One More Things."

PERINO: Yes, will you help us and -- balance it out?

GUTFELD: No, this one is going to be about me.


GUTFELD: "The Gutfeld Monologues" are back in Florida, 2019. March 2 I'll be in Tampa. March 3, I'll be West Palm Beach. Beach, beach, beach, beach! Go to and get your tickets, because they sell out like hot cakes; and I don't know what hot cakes are.

Go to this now.


GUTFELD (singing): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!


GUTFELD: I'm going to just ruin all of you. OK. This little creature here is too short, just like me. Trying to get up there. He's trying to get up there. He's trying to get up.





GUTFELD: Try it again. Try it again, try it again. You're going to do it. This is like me trying to get home from work late at night.

Anyway, I think we've seen enough.

PERINO: Animals are great!

GUTFELD: One more time, maybe.


GUTFELD (SINGING): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!


GUTFELD: I'll never stop.

WILLIAMS: Are you going to pay my psychiatric bills?

PERINO: All right, Jesse. All yours.

WATTERS: You are milking that to death.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am.

WATTERS: All right. What's better than mascots, everybody? When mascots fight other people.

GUTFELD: Oh, this is --

WATTERS: This is at the United Center in Chicago here. This is the mascot, Tommy Hawk, scrapping with a fan here.

GUTFELD: Did the fan attack him first?

WATTERS: It got really ugly. I don't know if we have the beginning of the fight. According to police, the guy started the fight. Well, I guess you're right. Punched Tommy, put him in a headlock. They were going at it for a while. I mean, the mascot gets the upper hand at one point, he body slams him.

GUTFELD: And he throws him out, too.


GUTFELD: He throws him -- mascots, I think the guy --

WATTERS: Boom, to the ground.

GUTFELD: They never expect a mascot -- all the mascots can fight.

WATTERS: Yes, they can. That's how they train them to do that. That's all you need to do. Know how to fight and to survive the intense warmth of the mascot mask there.

So police are looking for a white male, about 5'5", 160 pounds. Actually, fits Gutfeld's description.

GUTFELD: And they're also looking for a large black bird. What is that, a bird? A black bird?

WATTERS: Yes, it's a Tommy Hawk. A Blackhawk.

WILLIAMS: A blackhawk.

WATTERS: Like the hockey team, Dana.

PERINO: Jedediah -- yes, thank you very much.

WATTERS: You're welcome.

PERINO: Is that where you make baskets?

WATTERS: No, that would be the other sport.

PERINO: Jedediah, we have a whole minute for you. Go.

BILA: Wow. Well, every one that knows me knows that I love an animal in a costume. So, you know, you're welcome, everyone.

Over the weekend, San Diego celebrated its 13th annual holiday pet parade.  The owners and the pets come to the parade dressed in their little Santa costumes and all kind of costumes. They come from all over the world. And they pick their favorite costumes, and they promenade down. Look how beautiful.


BILA: Puppies, kittens, amazing. Look at that, a tutu. My Emma has a tutu.

WILLIAMS: You know, I think --

GUTFELD: That's perverted.

WILLIAMS: Greg, you and I could sing. (SINGING) Animals are great!

GUTFELD (SINGING): Animals are great!

BILA: Listen, it can wear (ph) well.

PERINO: They made them into unicorns. You missed it.

BILA: Yes.


BILA: All kinds of costumes.

GUTFELD: That's sacrilege.

BILA: It's every year. And I think that we should go.

PERINO: Do you dress up your puppy in an outfit?

WATTERS: No, you did say that if it's under 30, you'd put a little sweater on him.

PERINO: I think I --

BILA: You got it.

WATTERS: Is that the deal?

GUTFELD: We're all going to hell.

PERINO: I think that's a wrap. All right. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of “The Five.” "Special Report" is up next with the very lovely Shannon Bream.

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