Trump demands bipartisan effort to tackle border security

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 23, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino along with Jedediah Bila, Doug Schoen, Lawrence Jones, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City, and this is "The Five."

We certainly hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving with a lot of delicious feasting with family and friends. Before we get to the rest of the show, let's go around the table. See how everyone's Thanksgiving was. I think we have to start with you, Greg.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: It was great. The producers asked us if we would supply pictures.

PERINO: OK.

GUTFELD: So I did. So, this is the turkey. And then, that's a bowl of stuffing.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: The stuffing was great. I -- like Lawrence, I went off on my Atkins diet and had some stuffing. There was green beans, which was delicious. And we have some corn on the cob. I was at a restaurant.

PERINO: They serve corn on the cob on Thanksgiving?

GUTFELD: Well, it looks like sliced. I was at a restaurant and I think I have a picture of me and the people I was with. You could see there's Sean, there's Laura, Tucker, and me. We're just enjoying a nice meal. This is what we do outside of work.

PERINO: That looks very fun. That looks very fun. Lawrence, you're in Dallas?

LAWRENCE JONES, GUEST CO-HOST: Yes. So, I cook a lot of these stuffs. My mom had lupus growing up and so she taught me how to cook very early, so I cook. A lot of my family got together and talk politics, actually. It didn't play that way because my mom already said none of that. Here's a pecan pie. But it was very civil. It's a civil conversation. Nobody was screaming at each other. I mean, we naturally talk loud, but it went well.

PERINO: We've showed pictures of ourselves. You're showing picture of the food that you made. Doug, what you do?

DOUG SCHOEN, GUEST CO-HOST: You know, my mother is 92. She is sharp as a tack. And she and I and a friend went out to a hotel, and my mother had whatever she wanted with the active support and love of her son. It was the right kind of Thanksgiving. Thanks for asking.

JONES: She earned that.

SCHOEN: She did. And I felt proud.

PERINO: And we're thankful. This is your first time on The Five.

SCHOEN: Yeah. And my mother is -- I hope watching, but thank you, mom, for everything. And thank you for all the love and support that you've given me.

GUTFELD: Does she still have a cocktail or --

SCHOEN: She has a cocktail whatever she wants with my support and love. She's earned it.

GUTFELD: That's exactly --

SCHOEN: She's sharper than I am.

GUTFELD: Exactly, I agree.

PERINO: What's her cocktail of choice?

SCHOEN: Her cocktail of choice is prosecco. The only thing she says to me is how do you as a centrist turned out as you did, because she's far left and --

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: All right. Jedediah, how was your Thanksgiving?

JEDEDIAH BILA, GUEST CO-HOST: Yeah. It was good. We cooked. It was the first time that we cooked. My husband --

PERINO: Turkey, no turkey?

BILA: There's my husband with the turkey. He actually -- for his first turkey, it was delicious. I don't know what he did to it because I wasn't part of the part. But my dog was there. She had so much food. She had turkey, sweet potato, apple sauce. That's my angel. And I made a gluten- free stuffing that I was terrified it was going to be awful that was actually delicious.

GUTFELD: Do you do that because you have issues with gluten or --

BILA: Oh, here we go. Here we go. Be too trendy for you, Greg?

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK) GUTFELD: Yes, I had steaks. I had a ribeye that was -- it was so good. And there was nothing gluten-free about it.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It is gluten-free.

JONES: How about Dana? What did you do?

PERINO: Well, I took a bunch of pictures of my dog. I think we have those.

GUTFELD: Of course.

PERINO: He was out there.

GUTFELD: How is this any different?

PERINO: This is the table. We were down in Baha, New Jersey. And we -- my mom and her friend Barb are here in town, and Peter and I, we all went to the yacht club and then we joined on with the Landers family. They have a big family. And we have a small little family, so we got to be a part of them. So that was really fun. Pictures of my dog, that's the only thing I want --

(LAUGHTER) GUTFELD: What's the interesting fact I told you today about the yacht?

PERINO: There is no C -- the C is silent in yacht.

GUTFELD: Yes. Isn't that interesting?

BILA: We learn something new from you every day, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Yes. If you watched our Facebook live you too could have that from the four.

GUTFELD: And you can win these pictures.

PERINO: Win a picture?

GUTFELD: Yes, you can win these pictures. Guess what I'm thinking of right now?

JONES: It's time to get back on the diet now. Yesterday was a cheat day.

SCHOEN: I'm jealous of you, Lawrence.

JONES: Yes.

SCHOEN: Fifty-one pounds --

(CROSSTALK)

SCHOEN: I'm jealous.

(CROSSTALK) JONES: You eat whatever you want, you enjoy your family, and then you go back on it today.

GUTFELD: So you could buy a bunch of new clothes?

JONES: Yeah, I'm doing it. Black Friday shopping.

PERINO: All right. Well, we have a lot to get to, even though I would like to talk about Thanksgiving, but we have to move on to the border battle that's heating up. President Trump threatening to shut down the entire border if Mexico doesn't control the migrant caravan headed our way.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: If we find that it's -- it gets to a level where we are going to lose control or people are going to start getting hurt, we will close that Tran to the country for a period of time until we can get it under control. I've already shut down parts of the border because it was out of control, with the writing on the other side. Could there be a shutdown? There certainly could. And it will be about border security, in which the wall is a part.

(END VIDEO CLIP) PERINO: The president also said he's authorizing active-duty troops at the border to use force if they have to. This as Trump warns of a government shutdown if congress doesn't move on funding the wall. The former acting ICE director also urging law makers to secure the border now or else, he says, the situation will get worse.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The reason there's a caravan on the border, the reason the borders -- the numbers are high right now is because congress has failed to act. They've failed to build a wall. They've failed to close a loopholes that are causing these caravans. Everybody is watching what's going on right now. If we do not secure this border, if we let these people come in and they get released, not to show up in court, even if they show up in court, get order, don't leave. If we don't have a hard response and protect the sovereignty of this country right now, there's going to be more caravans. This is just the beginning.

(END VIDEO CLIP) PERINO: All right. So, in the green room I was saying that I have the sense. I can see the future that this issue is coming to a head and it's going to get solved. Congress is going to have to do something. Lawrence, you talk about immigration at the Thanksgiving table? JONES: Yeah, we've talked about immigration. And the only issue that my family pretty much agrees with Trump on is immigration. My grandmother made it very clear. She's like, son, I may not like Donald Trump, but one thing I will do is help him build that wall. And a lot of black folks agree when it comes to the issue because freedom has never been something that is free. It's something that you fight for. There's blood in the soil, people that fought for it. And that's what a lot of Americans see it. Now, we've talked about this earlier on your show, will congress get it done? I don't think so, because both political parties benefit from this controversy. The president has caved on the issue a little bit. He said, look, I will give you citizenship for DACA people. But as far as the parents coming across here they've got to go through the process. I'm going to secure the border. And I don't think Democrats are willing to cave because of the optics of the wall, even though many of them previously had the position of supporting the wall, a lot of them don't support it now.

SCHOEN: I think we Democrats would benefit from a compromise.

PERINO: Yeah.

SCHOEN: Do border security, do the wall, do DACA, and try to get a pathway to citizenship because these issues hurt the Democrats and it's clear it would help the Republicans too, because, look, Trump made the whole campaign about immigration, about the caravan. It didn't do so well in the congressional elections. And for him to broaden his appeal for 2020, a deal would help him. My advice in the lame duck session, start the process of getting it done. Tie it to criminal justice reform would be even better.

PERINO: Well, that's going to be tough to get immigration done at the lame duck?

SCHOEN: Yeah. But we've got to try because, ultimately, it will be tougher for the Republicans after the new congress is sworn in with Nancy Pelosi.

PERINO: That's true. I'm an optimist. I feel like something could get done, Jedediah, but these guys are telling me it could be tough.

BILA: He ran -- I mean, this was the chief issue that President Trump ran on. And one of the reasons he got elected was immigration. That people felt he was going to be tough on it. He talked about the wall sensibly. So I think if there's an issue for him to really hit home on and really -- look, if you got to shut the government down, I know people on the left and some people on the right freak out when he's talking about a government shutdown --

SCHOEN: It gets to the left --

BILA: Yeah. But not necessarily because -- no, you know why it get to the left because they market it well, because they don't talk about the fact that so many essential government services actually continue when you have a government shutdown.

PERINO: I feel like the tide is turning on it, though, Greg. Like you see the pictures every day, we talk about this issue every single day for years, and it feels like, to me, like it's coming to a head and might get it to a good place.

GUTFELD: Well, I'm a little pessimistic as well. It's obvious that for Donald Trump, this is a central concern of his that has long term benefits in his head, but has a short-term cost. You don't get good P.R., the media hates you. You're painted as a bigot. There're all this short term consequences to a long term benefit which is that your -- the changes in immigration is not being kept up with the current system. We update our phone every year. We have a system that we refuse to update for fear of being yelled at. So -- immigration highlights the differences between the constrained and unconstrained. Conservatives are constrained. They believe humans are fallible and will gain the system. So you need to have a process. But the left, unconstrained, believe in moral progress, and that laws are just temporary. And so --

SCHOEN: The answer is not moral progress. It's political benefit. If Trump is flexible on what the wall is, and the Democrats are flexible on terms for DACA and a pathway to citizenship, the big winner will be Donald Trump because he'll be able to speak --

(CROSSTALK)

JONES: But that's not what your base is. Your base -- the progressive wing of the party --

SCHOEN: I'm not a progressive in case you haven't noticed.

JONES: But I'm telling you, your party -- that's not what the energy of your party is right now --

SCHOEN: Sadly, you're right.

JONES: A lot of those people are open border progressive --

SCHOEN: They are, and that's very bad.

JONES: You have to please those people --

SCHOEN: No, you don't have to please --

(CROSSTALK)

JONES: But your leadership is, though, because she's fighting for reelection right now --

SCHOEN: She's reelected, that's done.

JONES: She doesn't have the full support of her caucus right now --

SCHOEN: She does now.

(CROSSTALK) JONES: And so, with that base of the party, how are you going to shut them up? You're not. And so --

SCHOEN: We don't need to shut them up. We just need to get the Republicans to do a deal that will benefit Trump, benefit the Democrats, and benefit the country.

BILA: You know how this works, though, Greg?

GUTFELD: I do.

(CROSSTALK) BILA: Right. But they're going to say, oh, yeah, you know, let's talk about a path to citizenship. And then, once this is all figured out and we have comprehensive immigration reform, then we can talk about border security. I say flip it.

(CROSSTALK)

SCHOEN: You're right, Jedediah. It's got to be border security first. I agree.

PERINO: Here's the thing, I'm going to make one last point and then we'll go. It is that -- if both sides benefit from it politically from it being an issue, why can't the same be true that both sides would be benefit from it getting solved?

GUTFELD: Because you're leaving out one central piece and that is the media which benefits from playing Santa. And it goes back to the short- term consequences, which is they could call Trump a racist. You can call conservatives bigots, and you can ignore the long-term benefits which is that this will make the country safer and better to have an immigration system that matches the current challenges. It's hard to be the adult.

JONES: Yeah.

GUTFELD: That's what we're dealing with right now, talking about walls and talking about immigration. That's the adult filter. The media has the child filter, which is, like, this is just mean. That's the challenge.

PERINO: But if the Democrats say, we want to do a deal, then do you think the media will say, OK, will they support them in trying to get that done?

GUTFELD: I think they will do that if they actually get the White House, and then all of a sudden they become adults. Right now they don't have to.

PERINO: But they try that in 2008, and Obama --

SCHOEN: They should try it again now. It will help the Democrats.

PERINO: All right. We could talk about this like -- Lawrence's Thanksgiving table.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Next, a subpoena showdown as Republican lawmakers ordered James Comey and Loretta Lynch to testify. Will they show up to answer questions? That's ahead.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SCHOEN: Before Democrats take control in January, house Republicans are slapping fired FBI director James Comey and former attorney general Loretta Lynch with subpoenas, calling on them to testify over the 2016 election and Clinton email probe. But getting their depositions may not be that easy. Comey vows to resist sitting down behind closed doors, saying that he will only answer questions in a public hearing. Congressman Trey Gowdy explains why GOP lawmakers don't want that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) REP. TREY GOWDY, R-S.C.: The last time I saw Jim Comey in a public congressional hearing, almost 100 times he said I can't answer in this setting. So why in the world would he want to go back to a setting where he knows he can't answer all the questions? I'm sure he only wants me to have five minutes. I'm sure of that. But I need more than five minutes. I have 37 pages of questions for Rod Rosenstein. So imagine how many questions I have for Jim Comey.

(END VIDEO CLIP) SCHOEN: Greg, I'm a Democrat.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHOEN: I worked for Bill Clinton.

GUTFELD: I'm sorry to hear that.

SCHOEN: Increasingly having watched the ANE documentary about the Lewinsky scandal, I tend to share your views, sadly.

PERINO: Did you learn something new?

(LAUGHTER) SCHOEN: I saw the whole thing played out and it disturbed me. But what also disturbs me, Greg --

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHOEN: -- is the fact that the Hillary Clinton email scandals has never fully been investigated. We don't know where those 31,000 emails went. We don't know about the classified emails that may have gone to the wrong people. We don't know why Loretta Lynch said it was a matter rather than an investigation. We do not know why Jim Comey did what I think, Greg, was just wrong on July of 2016, and wrong 10-11 days before the election. What say you? How do you see it?

GUTFELD: I just don't want another episode of Mr. Smith goes to Washington. There should be a drinking game where every time he says my word, or aw, shucks, or good heavens, you've got to drink. I don't think I can take another round of -- moralizing. I actually hired a hypnotist to hypnotize our producers. They don't know this. They can't hear this right now. But every time someone says we need to put Comey on the show, they will actually hear more cat videos, amatory on the phrase guess what and robot stories.

(LAUGHTER)

SCHOEN: Dana --

GUTFELD: Trust me.

SCHOEN: How did you feel when you read about the subpoenas being issued? Is it too much or appropriate?

PERINO: I think -- it possibly is futile, right? I don't think it's actually going to happen. I think is a last ditch effort by Republicans before they lose the chairmanship to try to get them to come in. And Comey always has a way to make this some sort of a P.R. thing. And, look, so if you're just not paying attention to this day-to-day and you see that Comey says, I'll come and testify, I just want it to be open so there's no leaking. I mean, that's actually a pretty decent message for him.

SCHOEN: Even though he did leak himself.

PERINO: The leaking thing would be an interesting thing to ask him about.

BILA: He refuses to admit it, though.

(CROSSTALK) SCHOEN: And, Lawrence, how did you react? I mean, we're coming to Democrats and the potential for a lot of investigations. Don't you think it makes sense for us to try one last time to see --

JONES: Yeah. But I don't see an investigation that actually happens. I think the proper channel would have been if the president had a strong attorney general to actually look at their own departments and identify what's actually going on. The problem with James Comey, he's such a show man. I really don't like him. He reminds me of the conservative intellectuals out there that say they're the only ones that are conservative, or I am -- I'm so perfect. I think a lot of American people are turned off by him, especially because there are so many inconsistencies, investigates Hillary Clinton about a private email server, he has a private email, he investigates leaking, he leaks. I mean, he's so dishonest about himself. And I think at the end of the day, he's going to be known as the worst FBI director in American history.

SCHOEN: I certainly agree. He hasn't done himself any good in his public phase. I'm a sports fan, so I watch basketball and football. And I was thinking of Dean Smith, and North Carolina, and the four corners. I think, Jedediah, he --

GUTFELD: That's exactly what we were thinking.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: I'm surprised you didn't ask me about the sports angle.

SCHOEN: Well, I'm asking Jedediah.

BILA: No help from me on that one, Doug.

SCHOEN: Well, I just think Jim Comey is trying to run out the clock when there's a lot to be answered. They've probably won't get answers.

BILA: I think he just wants to DVR so that he can watch himself on TV. I mean, he's that kind of guy.

GUTFELD: I never do that.

BILA: Never. He wants to be the center of attention. He loves to be at the podium. And the audacity of this guy to think he can set the terms. If you subpoena him, oh, well, I'll do it, but I'll --

JONES: This is the guy that's supposed to respect the law. See, that's what I'm saying --

(CROSSTALK) BILA: Look, he doesn't want to answer the questions.

SCHOEN: I think he violated the law twice, both in July and then in October. Dana, are we going to come into a period of more investigations when my Democratic friends take over?

PERINO: Every day you find out that there's going to be more. And I think that -- look, I think that they'll say that they have an obligation to do it, that there was a mandate from the people who voted for them that they wanted to check on this administration, how do you do that? Our founders set it up so that the legislative branch, check the executive branch, and there's a backstop of the judiciary.

SCHOEN: So simple question for all. Will we have an impeachment crisis?

PERINO: No.

BILA: No.

JONES: Just targeting political opponents is what Democrats --

SCHOEN: I think we may. Hillary Clinton is now slamming the press for not being tougher on President Donald Trump, her message next on The Five.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JONES: This thanksgiving, we're thankful for Hillary Clinton for, of course, giving us more material to discuss. The failed presidential nominee is now criticizing the media over their coverage of President Trump. She tells The Guardian, quote, at some point the press has to get smart because that's basically how most voters get their information. If you're into the both sideism, so you know on the one hand this and on the other hand that, really there's no factual basis. There's no evidence. There's no record. Everybody lies, everybody gills the lily. It doesn't really matter. That's just opens a door to somebody like him. In that same interview, Hillary goes on to slam European leaders urging them to get control over the immigration crisis in order to deal with the rise of the right wing populist. I'm confused with her.

BILA: You don't say.

JONES: First of all, she won't go away. I've said this is harassment of American voter. But, Doug, what more does she wants the press to do? They're so hostile to the president. And look, here's the deal, I want the press to be hard on presidents. But it seems like they've just awoken from an eight year coma with the last administration, so what can the press do for this president?

SCHOEN: Well, there's an answer, fortunately, to your question. What she wants, the press to slam President Trump and say she should run again, because as my former partner wrote in the Wall Street Journal this week, bottom line there is a strong desire among Hillary Clinton and her supporters to come back a divided field, maybe, just maybe, there'll be an opportunity for her to run.

JONES: So, Dana, I guess this is a selfish act of her asking the press to essentially carry her water as they always do.

PERINO: It is very hard for her to exit stage left or right. (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: That's a little clever.

PERINO: Thank you.

GUTFELD: A little wordplay. Very little.

(LAUGHTER) PERINO: She can't get off the stage, right? She loves to -- and she wants to keep re-litigating -- I don't -- you guys obviously know her a lot better than I do.

SCHOEN: I do. I worked for her.

PERINO: I used to work for Mark Penn. Like, I respect that. I just think that there's just no way. The energy is not there. She has passed herself by date, politically --

SCHOEN: I believe that, Dana. But she doesn't believe that.

PERINO: OK, fine. But she's not going to get to some nomination. I mean, it would be just like be worse than ever. Can I comment on the thing that she said about immigration, though? So she was secretary of state when all of this stuff was happening with Angela Merkel, opening up the borders and saying we've got to bring in a million Syrian refugees because it's our moral obligation to do so. And she see like what actually happened to the country there. So, she's trying to let everybody know, this is a disaster waiting to happen. She looks at it because she says the problem is that led to the rise of right-wing extremists. The people who are in Germany say, well, not -- maybe -- OK -- but also it led to the rise in crime and a rise in all these other problems that have unfettered immigration allows. So she's trying to send a warning signal that that is what President Trump is trying to do as well. He's saying we've learned from Angela Merkel's mistakes. So, we agree with you, Hillary. And that's why, again, I go back to that I think something could happen on immigration because it kind of has to.

JONES: Greg, we've talked about this in the green room a little bit. Look, I'm for evaluating our side and talking about the extreme elements of it, but the problem is they present this lazy commentary as painting us all as the racists, as this racist, populist movement. What are your comments on that?

GUTFELD: Well, first, just to Hillary, I'm pretty certain that Fox has her under secret contract because she is delivering prepackaged segments on a weekly basis. We don't even have to do that much.

JONES: Right.

GUTFELD: We just say verbatim -- between her and Avenatti, I think December is set for us.

SCHOEN: I think Avenatti is going to be unavoidably detained for a while.

GUTFELD: Yes. But it's going to be very hard for her. She's in a pickle. Because how could she call Trump a bigot if she just now trumpets his exact stance? She just embraced the stance that uncontrolled migration has a negative impact on your country.

And it goes back to what we are talking about in the A-block, which is that the -- if you embrace a process, you can be portrayed as means or as bigoted, even though -- so you have to sacrifice your own P.R. for years. Whereas if you say, "Hey, you know, open borders, we love you. Come, come, come," you're Santa.

JONES: Real quick, Jedediah.

BILA: Yes.

JONES: She was friends with him for years.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: How does she continue to make these arguments about going to his wedding, partying with him?

BILA: I think she legitimately feels robbed of this election. She thought it was hers. I don't think she has any self-awareness as to how bad she is at actually running.

SCHOEN: I know that.

BILA: She really just doesn't get why she would lose, which is why she always pivots to Russia, because she can't fathom that people didn't come out and support her.

And what's interesting is that she criticizes the media coverage of Trump. The media talked a lot about Trump, you know, and may be some argue that did help him get elected. It put him front and center, but most of that coverage was bad.

Democrats couldn't stand him. Most in media couldn't stand him. A lot of Republicans did not want him to be the guy. They were looking at Marco Rubio. They were looking at Rand Paul. They were saying, "This guy isn't going to be safe. He doesn't know what he's doing."

So to argue that the media wasn't smart of -- it's just -- it's a ridiculous -- and frankly --

GUTFELD: Another thing she's blamed it on.

BILA: That interview shows, though, why she's so terrible. It was hard to even follow her, what she was saying and where she was going. When you were saying it was confusing, this is why she's a terrible candidate. She doesn't take a message and hit it home, and she's the only person in the room that doesn't know that she shouldn't do that.

SCHOEN: She should go away.

JONES: She has to look at herself. We've got to go. "The Fastest Seven" is coming up next, including the big Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade controversy that has the Twitter world in a tizzy.

GUTFELD: Tizzy?

JONES: Coming up.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BILA: Welcome back. Don't even ask what he's saying. It's time now for a Thanksgiving edition of "The Fastest Seven."

First up --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BILA: Black Friday craziness is in full swing. But if you're tired of circling the parking lot looking for a space at the mall, then listen up.

There's now a robot that can save you and your car a spot. A new app called "My Park" deploys automatically place holders that will actually hold you a parking space. Once you arrive, the robot collapses so your car can drive over it.

OK, this sounds like a terrible idea, Greg, but I have a feeling you're going to like it.

GUTFELD: No, no. If you think shoppers on Black Friday are going to respect the will of, basically, a robot that's nothing more than a traffic cone with a battery charge -- do you see how they treat humans? Do you see how people treat humans on Black Friday? What are they going to do with these poor innocent robots? They're going to trample over them.

By the way, parking is the persuasion that primes the violence. That's like when you already get to the store, you want to --

PERINO: You're upset?

GUTFELD: You're upset.

BILA: Upset. Dana, we've got to go around on this.

PERINO: Well, that's -- I like the online shopping. I like the online shopping. No parking.

BILA: OK, all right.

GUTFELD: You park yourself in front of the computer...

JONES: This is not a bad idea. I get what they're trying to do, because a lot of people -- I think the best system is the buddy system. You've got to get a super -- one driver, one person that hops out and gets the stuff.

BILA: That's not bad.

SCHOEN: Jedediah, I'm so hopeless. Even with the keys that light up the car and all that, I still lose my car. So if they can come up with a robot that will go off when you go back to your car, so much the better.

GUTFELD: A robot that helps you find your car?

SCHOEN: Exactly.

PERINO: No, we can show you how to -- there's a whole thing you can do. It's really simple.

SCHOEN: You help me.

PERINO: Ryan is going to show you.

BILA: I think the robot is going to get run over. They're going to see them in the street, they're going to get run over.

GUTFELD: They're going to be bullied. And robot bullying is going to be a big thing in ten years. We'll be talking about it.

BILA: I will be leading the charge.

SCHOEN: It will be politically correct, liberals to defend robots.

BILA: All right. Up next --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(WILL FERRELL AS A CHRISTMAS ELF EATING)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BILA: Gobble away! If you're indulging in all of the delicious Thanksgiving and Christmas meals without worrying about the calories or fat, beware. A new study says the average American will pack on 6 pounds during the holidays. Six pounds! What do you think?

SCHOEN: Look, I've got to say. Lawrence has lost 51 pounds.

BILA: Wow.

SCHOEN: I'm jealous. But I've got to say, most adults -- you said, look, one day it's a holiday, I can eat. I'm the type if I eat, the next day it becomes a holiday again and I want to eat more and more and more. So I'm the type of person, if I cheat, I'm gone. You're not that way. I'm jealous.

JONES: This is the real thing. Like, this is the real thing. It's not the one day that's getting people. It's that people have leftovers. And so they eat them the entire week. And you know what? It becomes a problem. You've got to be disciplined. You eat the one day, and then you're done. You can sneak and get some dessert that morning, like I did before I got to the airport and you be done with it. You get back on your return.

PERINO: I like the routine. You've got to get out and exercise a little bit.

JONES: You've got to.

PERINO: Do a little fitness video --

JONES: That's right.

PERINO: -- if it's freezing outside.

BILA: Greg.

GUTFELD: You guys are missing the whole point of this. All right. So basically, six weeks out of the year, right, can erase both your weight loss gains -- weight loss gains, the amount that you lost over the year -- and your financial savings in one swoop for the entire year. The amount of money that you save for the whole year, the amount of weight that you lost, you can completely cancel out in six weeks of decadence, buying gifts and eating crappy food.

If we did a holiday fast for one year -- let's say two years -- don't celebrate any holidays for two years --

JONES: We're not doing that.

GUTFELD: Oh, we are. You will be physically and financially more well off than you have been in your entire life.

JONES: This is bad for the country.

GUTFELD: I'm thinking about myself!

JONES: This is bad for the country. You're going to get hate mail.

GUTFELD: I get a lot of hate mail, Lawrence. I want more. In fact, I'm building a tree out of hate mail.

No, think about it. Two years, no holidays -- think of the money you'd save!

SCHOEN: I once paid a few hundred dollars an hour for that advice from a lawyer who said to me, "Don't go to Thanksgiving. Go to a spa. You'll save calories. You'll save money and be better off."

GUTFELD: See? Smart lawyer.

SCHOEN: I'm giving it to you for nothing.

BILA: Do we have time for one more?

One more. Finally, a social media uproar over this Thanksgiving parade performance. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(MUSIC: RITA ORA, "LET YOU LOVE ME")

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BILA: Oh, boy. Pop star Rita Ora getting roasted for apparently lip- synching to her song "Let You Love Me" on her float yesterday. She wasn't the only one who couldn't hit the right notes. Several artists say they couldn't perform live during the annual telecast due to technical snafus.

Macy's later apologized for the technical difficulties that may have impacted some of the performances.

My issue with this, though, Lawrence, was that she was lip-synching badly.

JONES: Yes.

BILA: Like, she came in late. She made it obvious. If you're going to lip-sync because of, you know, whatever is going on, the sound or whatever, you've got to practice that stuff.

JONES: Yes. Here's my deal. I believe that these holiday shows are career killers. I think people should really consider -- I mean, look at Mariah Carey.

BILA: Yes.

JONES: Even Beyonce got some pushback. They just cannot stand the cold weather on their vocal cords. And so they mess up. They blow it. and it takes them an entire year to recover for it, because everybody is waiting for the next Thanksgiving, the next Christmas performance to see if they can really hit those.

SCHOEN: I'm old -- I'm old-fashioned.

BILA: Does it bug you when people lip-sync?

SCHOEN: No, it doesn't. This is a holiday. Let's give people some slack. For goodness sake! You know, it was cold out there. I was out here trying to get into FOX. And frankly, it was just tough being outside.

JONES: Don't go sing.

SCHOEN: Don't ask me to sing. That will be a ratings killer.

JONES: The greats could do it. Aretha Franklin, all these --

SCHOEN: Please don't ever confuse me with them.

GUTFELD: I think you're wrong, Jedediah. I think you're wrong.

BILA: I'm wrong?

GUTFELD: Yes, you're wrong. If you're going to lip-sync, you should make it as obvious as possible, because that's transparent and it's real. It's like, "Hey, look, we all know this is fake."

If you want to see the best lip-synching ever, "American Bandstand" when Public Image was all in. Public Image just got up there. They didn't even bother. Johnny Rotten got up there. The music's playing, and they just start walking around. And they're just like this, and the song's playing. It's hysterical. It's on YouTube.

So I think it's better to pretend as --

BILA: Make it obvious.

GUTFELD: Make it obvious.

PERINO: And it's not like he went to the Elton John farewell concert.

GUTFELD: Who went to that?

PERINO: I got to go.

GUTFELD: oh, wow.

PERINO: He's singing, and it's amazing. It's not like he was lip-synching at that concert. He was lip-syncing at the Macy's Day parade when it was 23 degrees.

GUTFELD: So you went to see Elton John?

PERINO: Yes.

BILA: Listen, I'm with you.

JONES: They blew it.

BILA: Listen, if you're going to be -- if you're going to be a singer, you've got to get out there and you've got to sing. I'm with Kelly Clarkson, too. She sings all the time.

JONES: Yes.

BILA: Stay right there. "Fan Mail Friday" is coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: "Fan Mail Friday." Let's get to your questions. Why waste any more time?

Question from Bradley Stein: "What subject could you teach a master class on?" Doug.

SCHOEN: Obviously, politics of getting a president elected and having to make the conversion to a hopefully compelling member of "The Five."

GUTFELD: There you go! Jedediah.

BILA: Grammar.

GUTFELD: Grammar?

BILA: Yes. Really into grammar.

GUTFELD: Well, you were a principal?

BILA: I was a dean. But actually, my degree, my master's is actually in Spanish. But I don't speak it that much anymore.

PERINO: That makes you have good grammar.

BILA: But my grammar is -- so if you ever need anything edited --

GUTFELD: Wow, thank you. Lawrence.

BILA: Messaging. How you message to different communities. I think we struggle with that on the right.

GUTFELD: I agree with you completely. Yes. Big problem.

Dana, I don't know, from a public relations perspective, what would you be good at?

PERINO: Do you know what I did? I had a great -- I taught a class in Washington, D.C., and one of the things I did is bring in photojournalists and talked about how they don't get as much credit as they deserve for being great journalists.

JONES: That's true, yes.

PERINO: They get the shot, you remember them. And so I brought them in, and they explained how -- what was going on in their minds when they took a picture --

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: -- and something that became iconic.

GUTFELD: Especially if they have to get their film developed at Duane Reade or Walgreens. A lot of people don't do that.

I would teach a master class, compassion. Obviously, compassion. Yes. I think it's -- for Republicans and conservatives, it's in short supply. And I think I can supply it. Compassion.

Kylie Duren asks, "What is the most unusual but fun experience y'all" -- you don't really need to do y'all.

PERINO: Together? Like all together?

GUTFELD: No, I think it's like -- I think it's like -- no, because that's impossible. I've never done anything with Doug that we can talk about.

SCHOEN: Exactly.

GUTFELD: There was that weekend in Mexico.

SCHOEN: I know, I know. I'll own up to it.

GUTFELD: Well, we were wearing masks, so I wasn't sure it was you. But I recognized the birthmark.

SCHOEN: That's true.

GUTFELD: So where am I going with this?

PERINO: I don't know because --

GUTFELD: I was giving everybody time. What is your -- what is the most unusual but fun experience?

BILA: It's not unusual, but it was unusual for my -- I had never been skiing before. And I learned -- I went and I did -- took the lessons, and I thought I was going to hate it. And I actually -- it was really cool but I mean, I did panic a little bit when he took me to the bigger hill and they didn't know how to get down.

But it was a lot more fun than I realized and a lot less terrifying. You know, if you take it in tiny doses. It's not really unusual, but --

GUTFELD: You were taking in tiny doses. That's --

BILA: That's my next book.

GUTFELD: That's my unusual experiences -- Lawrence.

JONES: Tubing. I can't swim. So I decided to do it, but I did it with a life jacket. And it was fun until I went in the water, and I felt like I was drowning. I came up, but I had nightmares for, like, three weeks.

BILA: You survived.

JONES: But it was fun at the time. But when I fell --

PERINO: I just don't too much fun stuff! I don't think. I went on a safari.

GUTFELD: That's good.

PERINO: I saw -- I saw the big five in an hour.

GUTFELD: What's the big five?

PERINO: It's like the giraffe, the elephant --

BILA: The elephant.

SCHOEN: The lion.

PERINO: The cheetah, the something.

GUTFELD: We should do a big five on "The Five." Like, which one of us is an animal. Oh, it would probably get --

SCHOEN: I would tell you, I've gone on a few safaris, Dana. And far more scary to me than going on safaris was getting on the back of a motorcycle on Interstate 10 in New Orleans. And I vowed that if I survived, and apparently I did --

BILA: You did.

SCHOEN: -- I would never get on a motorcycle again. So far I haven't.

GUTFELD: That's a -- that's a good choice. That's a good choice.

Most fun, unusual experience? Well, MDMA. Come on.

@FrenchiWorld writes -- It'll be legal in two years. Trust me. It's going to be legal. @FrenchiWorld -- I did it on my bachelor -- right before I got married. It was amazing. I should shut up now.

PERINO: Wow, you should.

GUTFELD: My wife knows. "What sound lulls you to sleep and which one keeps you up at night?" Lawrence.

JONES: So the -- I go to sleep to the ocean. I have the app on my phone to do that.

GUTFELD: I thought it was the real ocean.

JONES: No, seriously. But the thing that will keep me up is smacking, I cannot stand it when people smack and that little, like --

PERINO: When they're eating?

JONES: -- chewing. I don't want to hear it.

PERINO: Well, how are you sleeping next to people who are chewing?

JONES: No, I'm not saying. But what keeps me up? It would be that. That noise.

GUTFELD: What about you?

PERINO: I -- it's hard to believe this. I think the traffic helps lull me to sleep now. It drove me crazy at first.

GUTFELD: When it's far away.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's called ambient noise.

PERINO: Snoring keeps me up.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And it's not my snoring.

GUTFELD: I know, I know. Yes.

PERINO: It's not Jasper snoring.

GUTFELD: Can't talk about it.

SCHOEN: I will date myself. What puts me to sleep is '50s rock 'n' roll. And what makes me wake up his abject silence.

GUTFELD: Wow.

SCHOEN: Yes, I mean, I'm a born and bred New Yorker. I need noise.

PERINO: Noise.

SCHOEN: I need action. And when it's dead quiet, I have trouble sleeping.

GUTFELD: "I need noise and action."

SCHOEN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Jedediah, what do you need?

BILA: The TV actually has to be on for me to fall asleep.

PERINO: Really?

BILA: I love it. I love having the -- if the TV's not on. And silence, if there's -- a hotel somewhere --

PERINO: I'm surprised you're disturbed?

BILA: I know. But I like to have the TV on.

PERINO: I'm surprised.

BILA: Old -- the "Dawson's Creek." Let me now get into that again, but --

GUTFELD: Yes.

BILA: But if it's really quiet, if you ever go to a hotel and everything feels soundproof, I cannot sleep. I have to do something, create some noise.

The best sleeping aid that is nonmedical our podcasts. You know, when you went to a lecture in college and you're trying to stay awake?

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: So when you listen to podcasts, that triggers that feeling of going, like, "Oh, God. I've got to stay awake, but I can't." And you can get halfway through a great podcast.

What keeps me up at night are my thoughts.

PERINO: Yes?

GUTFELD: I realize I'm addicted to consciousness. You know when you, like, you wake up in the middle of the night, and you go, like, "This is great. I'm awake and I have all these thoughts," and I'm actually addicted to consciousness.

PERINO: Meditate.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, but I don't want to do. So I lie there for three hours.

PERINO: I know. Because you want your thoughts.

GUTFELD: I like my thoughts. It feels really good.

SCHOEN: Do you dream scary dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night?

GUTFELD: Yes, all the time. I love that. It's like a free amusement park ride. No, it's great. It's like, "Wow, I didn't have to pay for that."

All right. "One More Thing" is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Time now for "One More Thing." I was searching around for one for myself, and I had to do this one. Our very own Doug McKelway -- you know him; he's a reporter here for us. He's been here for a long time. He has a very special set of skills. It involves the banjo, watch this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(BANJO MUSIC)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Doug McKelway, we didn't know you had that extra-special talent. And Greg will be booking you for his next party, for his entertainment.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's "Deliverance" themed. The -- it's going to happen on a bridge.

All right. Tomorrow night, we have a brand-new show. We didn't take the day off. Dr. Drew Pinsky, Joe Macie (ph), Kat Timpf, Tyrus, 10 p.m. Saturday. You're going to love this show. Lots of evergreen stories.

Now time for this.

GRAPHIC: Greg's Crime Corner

GUTFELD: "Greg's Crime Corner." All right. I want you to take a look at these two punks. Take a look at these two punks. I don't know where they came from or what they're doing, but check out what they're doing, these two little -- check this out. This is -- I mean, humans can't work together but these two dogs. Look at this. Let him in. Watch this. Watch this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(TWO DOGS COORDINATE TO OPEN A GATE)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PINSKY: Ohhh!

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Wow, that's pretty impressive.

GUTFELD: It is. You know what? They're evolving before our eyes. They are evolving before our eyes. Look, he's closing the door! All right.

PERINO: That's pretty cool. I like it.

Jedediah, you go next.

BILA: I want all the puppies everywhere. I do.

All right. This made me cry. It's beautiful. Lacy Ping and their husband took their gray tabby cat Mason with them when they fled the Camp Fire in Northern California. And Mason escaped his cat carrier and sprinted away.

Well, firefighters found Mason. This is the moment you're seeing of her reunion with her pat. These firefighters rescued 22 cats, delivered them to a veterinary hospital. And anyone who has an animal out there knows that when you -- if anyone has ever lost an animal, when you're reunited with them there's honestly --

PERINO: Because they lost everything else.

BILA: But they got their cat back.

PERINO: Doug.

SCHOEN: I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio, tomorrow at the Ohio State- Michigan game.

PERINO: I heard about this. I read about it in "The Wall Street Journal."

SCHOEN: Seeing if Michigan, I think, for the first time in 13 years, can beat Ohio State. Ohio State is the underdog, but so far Michigan has had a tough time beating them at home. Let's see.

PERINO: Let's -- we'll see what happens. It's our favorite show on THE FIVE, as titled by our own president.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Lawrence, you're next.

JONES: Yes, so many of you guys know that I like to cook. Many of my family even say that I can burn in the kitchen. But this guy took burn to a new level. You've got to see what he did. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(SHRIEKING)

(TURKEY BURNING ON GRILL)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, no! Oh, my God!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

JONES: That was dinner for this family. The guy leaves, puts the turkey on the grill. It engulfs in flames, and their dinner was ruined.

Guy, you don't know how to grill. You never leave your grill and leave for hours. You've got to control the fire.

PERINO: You know, that is a good warning for us all. I loved our little Thanksgiving week. It's been fun to be with you all and fun to be with you, of course.

GUTFELD: Speak for yourself.

PERINO: That's it for us. See you back here on Monday. "Special Report" is up next.

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