This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," March 7, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The common sense of washing your hands, not touching your face, ensuring that if you've touched anything, you go and wash your hands again.

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: And I haven't touched my face and weeks -- in weeks. I miss it.



GREG GUTFELD, HOST: We do, too, Mr. President.


GUTFELD: So just a few days ago, the press and the pundits had declared the campaign dead.


JOE BIDEN (D), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Just a few days ago, the press and the pundits had declared the campaign dead. And we were told that when we got to Super Tuesday, it would be over.

Well, it may be over for the other guy.


BIDEN: By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie and I'm Jill's husband. Oh no, they switched up. You switched on me. This is my wife and this is my sister. They switched on me.


GUTFELD: They switched on him. So he confused a sibling with a spouse. You know, it's not as rare as you think.



GUTFELD: All right. No idea why they're clapping. Yet, the moment after Joe wins big, he reminds everyone he still doesn't know what the hell is going on.


GUTFELD: But the Dems were faced with the choice between two risks. One, nominate a socialist who cheers commie tyrants or two, nominate the guy who might put his pants on his head.


GUTFELD: They chose the right guy -- pants or no pants. But don't for a minute think they were rejecting socialism. No, they only took Bernie out because they knew he would lose big.

After all, Sanders rose to this high point because the Dems wouldn't refute his attacks on capitalism, mainly because they agreed with him. Right, Joe?


ANNOUNCER: And now Joe Biden on March.

TOM SHILLUE, IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN: Just like my great grandfather said during the Civil War, march comes in like a lion, goes out like Sonic, the Hedgehog. Sonic. Funny guy. He's blue.

Like Blue Tuesday. It's my favorite holiday. Yes, and Friday, that song by The Cure. It's Friday and I'm in gloves. That's good advice for the coronavirus.

Spend your Friday in gloves. You're going to be waking up healthy on Saturday.

Oh, yeah. Text Joe to Super Taco Tuesday. Get a free pair of gloves with every purchase.


GUTFELD: Ah, thank you, Joe.


GUTFELD: So, Joe benefited from a political version of a mob hit. Obama was Don Corleone calling in favors through endorsements to take Sanders out.

So what will the Bernie Bros do? Well, what does a bitter ex do when she's been dumped? As revenge, she hooks up with the person the dumper hates most. And who could that be?

Yes. America's bad boy. But thank God for this guy, he announced he's now going to campaign for Joe. Joe must be thrilled.

Wow, you've got Scaramucci. Who's next? This guy?



GUTFELD: Yes. Indistinguishable. Or what about this guy?

Yes. He is back in the news. According to a new documentary, Bill Clinton claims he had the infamous affair with an intern as therapy for anxiety.


GUTFELD: Let's ponder that. You know, if sex could be viewed as a therapeutic treatment for a health issue, I wonder if this can now be approved as a medical advice.


GUTFELD: I really hope that covers that. I can't return it. I already opened the box.


GUTFELD: Of course, Michael Bloomberg dropped out and over at MSNBC, their top talent struggle with math.


MARA GAY, EDITOR, "THE NEW YORK TIMES": Somebody tweeted recently that actually with the money, he spent he could have given every American a million dollars.

BRIAN WILLIAMS, MSNBC HOST: We've got it. Let's put it up on the screen. When I read it tonight on social media, it kind of all became clear. "Bloomberg spent $500 million on ads, U.S. population 327 million." Don't tell us if you're ahead of us on the math. "He could have given each American $1 million and have had lunch money left over." It's an incredible way of putting it.

GAY: It's an incredible way of putting it. It's true.


GUTFELD: Oh my god. How adorable is that? The media trying to do math. Obviously, it doesn't come to a million a person. It's like $1.50. But that in a nutshell exposes the media's cognitive incompetence.

Consuming a diet of shallow outrage and misleading headlines, they've let their logic muscles atrophy. It's why they suck at economics. Watching them do math is like watching me dunk a basketball or Tyrus trying to put on a pair of skinny jeans.


GUTFELD: Now, a lot has been made of the money Bloomberg spent, but it's not that he spent a ton and got nowhere, it's that Bloomberg spent a ton and got close.

What got in his way was this.


MICHAEL BLOOMBERG (D), FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I always say to people, there's no I in team and I spell team T-E-A-M. I spell team T-E-A- M. There is no I in team, I always joke about it.


GUTFELD: He does always joke about it, he invented it. Yes, money can buy you delegates, but not a personality. He is what happens when a snooze button and a snapping turtle mate.


GUTFELD: It could happen. Bloomberg is only slightly less charming than that stuff that drives on the edge of a casserole pan. Right, Joe?


ANNOUNCER: And now Joe Biden on breakfast foods.

SHILLUE (IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN): I'm not going to lie to you, I like a little ice in my oatmeal and that's a luxury the Quaker Oats man could only ever dream of.

Oh yes. I know oats. I'm from Pennsylvania, home of the Rocky Mountains. And America's favorite beer, Heineken.

Put them all together, you get yourself a Dream Team. Dream Team. You remember them -- Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Best two-man bobsled team in history.

Text Joe to downhill, slopes, snow, Heineken, the Rocky Mountains and the Great State of Philadelphia.



GUTFELD: So now it's down to a two-man race or as what Joe calls, spaghetti. But what happens if Biden gets the nod?

With Joe, the Dems patched a tire and threw on a coat of paint. But you've still got to sell that jalopy, and the moment you test drive the model Joe against Trump, everything could fall apart.

So will a socialist fight back? Will Joe make it to the end? Will Liz finally change her black shirt?


GUTFELD: All I know is, this is going to be a hell of a ride and I can't think of a better group to enjoy within you. Right, Joe?


ANNOUNCER: Now, Joe Biden on daylight saving.

SHILLUE (IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN): I'm against it. What are we saving daylight for anyway? We ought to be spending that on healthcare. You save daylight. You know who doesn't like that? Vampires.

I checked their Wikipedia page, those guys work at night. M. Night Shyamalan. Good director. Hey, M. Night, I've got a twist ending for you.

Guess who's been running for President this whole time? That's right. Uncle Joe. Bam. Didn't see that one coming. Text Joe to Bram Stoker's Dracula. Starring Gary Oldman and Keanu Reeves. Love those kids.



GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so patriotic, his prom date was the Declaration of Independence. His book, "American Crusade comes" out May 19th. "Fox and Friends Weekend" co-host, Pete Hegseth.


GUTFELD: He's as tasty as the dish he is named after, comedian and host of the new podcast "Everyone is Awful" on Barstool Sports, Jim Florentine.


GUTFELD: She's mean and lean and acts like a teen. Host of "Sincerely Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.


GUTFELD: And he showers at Niagara Falls. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.


GUTFELD: All right, so Pete, can we just throw up the cover of that book for a second? Holy crap.


GUTFELD: I'm putting that up on my ceiling above the water bed.


GUTFELD: You know, I am heterosexual, but I'm feeling things, Pete.


HEGSETH: Well, you're welcome, Greg.

GUTFELD: Holy Toledo.

HEGSETH: If you're going to crusade, you better look like that.

GUTFELD: You are crusading. You are crusading for a night of passion.


GUTFELD: All right.

HEGSETH: Let's do.

GUTFELD: Let's shift. What do you make of the new frontrunner, Biden?

HEGSETH: Who saw that coming?


HEGSETH: I mean it. You know, a week ago on your show, maybe we felt like Bernie was fading a bit because of what happened in South Carolina, but who saw -- almost literal version of "Weekend with Bernie" with Biden with the other contenders dropping out and propping up the guy.


HEGSETH: All the way to Super Tuesday.


HEGSETH: And now, he is in the pole position, and the best part about him, what they love about him is he is a total empty vessel.

I mean, your videos are onto something because they're onto something. And Beto O'Rourke and everyone else will feed their far leftwing policies straight into them and he'll become -- he'll become the leftwing dummy.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's like they carried him like one of those Egyptian tombs across the finish line, and they open up the tomb and there's nothing in there.


GUTFELD: Jim, I have no idea what just happened to me.

JIM FLORENTINE, ACTOR/COMEDIAN: I don't either. I don't know, I think that Republicans should be worried with Biden because it depends who he picks as Vice President.


FLORENTINE: If he picks a good Vice President, anyone that's going to vote for him is going to know that Vice President is going to make most of the decisions.

GUTFELD: Yes, or be President.

FLORENTINE: Yes, be President because I mean his gaffes right now, imagine in four years how he's going to sound.


FLORENTINE: He sounds like this now. So they know that a good Vice President makes -- yes, they're going to prop him up like you said, "Weekend at Bernie's." If there's some big issue on TV and I say, I feel bad for Bernie though. They pushed him out again.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

FLORENTINE: Same thing again. All of his fans, you know, feel the burn, feel the burn. Well, they got burned.

GUTFELD: Yes, he did.

FLORENTINE: They got burned.

GUTFELD: He did. And no amount of tetracycline is going to take that burn away. I don't know why I said tetracycline. I dated myself. Kat, who do you -- what are you most excited about the results from this week?



TIMPF: Didn't do so great.


TIMPF: And everyone was saying, why did he spend all this money on all these ads? He spent all this money on all these ads, why did he do that? I don't get it. I totally get it.

The only thing I don't get is why he didn't do it sooner. Like if I were a bajillionair, I would be doing that. And I don't know mean the President thing? I don't get wanting to be in political office. I just mean the ads.


TIMPF: I would have so many ads like, just for me. You know?


TIMPF: Why wouldn't you do that? Like, Kat Timpf, not at all annoying. You know like -- all over the place. People are like -- why doesn't every rich person do that? Just ads for you.

GUTFELD: That is a great idea.


GUTFELD: You said vajillion, and I'm under -- I'm unsure what kind of --

TIMPF: I said bajillion.

GUTFELD: Oh, I thought you said vajillion -- Tyrus?



GUTFELD: What's your take on this week?

MURDOCH: Well, you know, if we go back and go through the history of THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW, there's been one common theme with these tricksters.

GUTFELD: Yes, the tricksters.

MURDOCH: The old white men that they have been trying to get rid of and they just keep showing up.

GUTFELD: They do.

MURDOCH: Like even with Daylight Savings Time coming up, you think they'd nap sooner and would see less. They're everywhere.


MURDOCH: And everyone is upset about it. How do these old white men keeps showing up? We banned them from our neighborhoods. When they come on TV, we say horrible things about them, but they keep showing up.

GUTFELD: They keep winning.

MURDOCH: How? He literally forgot who his wife was. Everybody was okay with that.


GUTFELD: Do you know that if a black candidate did that --


GUTFELD: If a black candidate --

MURDOCH: Stop. Oh, no. Don't clap.

GUTFELD: If a black candidate forgot who his wife was, there would be hell to pay.

MURDOCH: Oh, yes. Especially if it wasn't his sister who he touched. Absolutely.


MURDOCH: It's just amazing to me how clever and shifty those old white men are.

GUTFELD: You know what, we're going to talk more about old white men later in the block, but we have something very, very special for you.

The last moment of Liz Warren's campaign. Don't miss this.



GUTFELD: Pocahontas, more like No-cahontas. Liz Warren ended her bid on Thursday after a dismal primary performance. She didn't even win her home State of Massachusetts. In fact, she came in third and I think Joe Biden should thank her though for her campaign. She did two things she stayed in which hurt Bernie by stealing support from him, and she destroyed Bloomberg in that hilarious debate.

You've got to hand it to her, she takes down old white men faster than gout.


GUTFELD: And as usual, she is blaming it all on sexism, which is weird because it's her party who is rejecting her, meaning Democratic men and women didn't like her.

It must have been hard for Liz to come to terms with letting go. I wonder what that meeting was like.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Look, we got hit pretty hard on Tuesday, I think it's time that we seriously think about --

TIMPF (IMPERSONATING ELIZABETH WARREN): My experience as a handicapped black man fighting racism in the Senate?


TIMPF: I was in 'Nam, okay? Drafted at 18, fire fights like you never saw. I saw things you could never forget.

When we hit Normandy, it was like nothing you've ever seen.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No one is going to believe you fought in World War II.

TIMPF: I'm pregnant with an alien baby.


TIMPF: Are you saying that, I am too 70 to be pregnant? Okay, check this out. Okay, who is too 70 to be pregnant now? Okay. We don't tolerate the age shaming. All right, your fired. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Okay. All right, so who won last night?

AUDIENCE: Joe Biden.

TIMPF: Okay, so now, I identify as Joe Biden. My son Hunter is an ass, but I am not his father. That's it. I've got a plan for that, too. I am not his dad.

Oh, this is going to be great. I just need to figure out what song I'm going to dance to. And my victory party. I'm going to dance on out of here now, guys.

All right --



GUTFELD: Kat, I felt like -- I felt like you consumed her soul.

TIMPF: I did, a little bit. I enjoyed it, but honestly the victim stuff from her and her supporters and the sexism stuff. I just -- she is a famous millionaire.


TIMPF: And she's managed to be a famous millionaire, as someone who apparently didn't realize she was white until she was well into her 60s. Okay. That is not a tragic story. That is remarkable.


TIMPF: And I just -- I hate it because as a woman myself, I have faced issues that are involving sexism and things because I am a woman, and this doesn't help that cause because if you just use it as excuses and you don't take responsibility that cheapens all of the women who have faced these things for real.

So you're not pushing women forward, you are exploiting pain to push yourself forward and moving women back and I don't appreciate that.



GUTFELD: And you know, if she can't endorse a man because remember, you don't want to have any -- there are too many men running. She should endorse Tulsi, but she's not going to do that, Jim, is she? She's not --

FLORENTINE: No. She sounds like another famous politician that blames everybody but herself.


FLORENTINE: Another female, doesn't she?

GUTFELD: Yes, I can't think of her name.

FLORENTINE: She should actually get another DNA test to see if she's related to Hillary.



FLORENTINE: Look, maybe she dropped out because she wants to spend more time with her tribe. We don't know. You know, maybe she misses it. Who knows?

GUTFELD: Tyrus, the thing that they -- she says that it like it is sexism, but the problem was, she wasn't likable. The women didn't want her.

MURDOCH: Well, you know, every time I don't get my way it's racist, so --


MURDOCH: So you know --

GUTFELD: Those tricky old white women.

MURDOCH: Yes. I mean, I just -- no one knows how to lose with dignity anymore.


MURDOCH: Like it wasn't one person. It was several states that decided, thank you, ma'am, but no.


MURDOCH: And we see that all the time, but that's the way it works now in the media, where she was wronged, but they never blame -- they blame them and they. They don't say hey, America or Democrats -- you, Democrats, you didn't vote for this person.

It's the same thing with how they're like Joe Biden has all this momentum and it's like -- he hits six threes in the fourth quarter over Bernie who was in foul trouble. It just moved to a different state, that's all that happened.

If they would have started in South Carolina, he would have been the frontrunner. They started in Iowa and Iowa happened to like Bernie better and Buttigieg, but --

What I am just saying is like, it is not momentum. States have -- I know this is going to be crazy, media -- people with different ideas, different things they like, so maybe he did well in these States, but they've still got more states to go.

GUTFELD: It's not over.

MURDOCH: And they might feel a different way. And would that be -- oh, no, a steal by Bernie. He gets in. It's not a game.

American people make choices based on what's best for them and their situation. It's not momentum. It's just a different state.


MURDOCH: It wasn't sexism. You just didn't relate.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. There you go.

TIMPF: Oh, good one.

MURDOCH: Damn, yes. Well said. Yes.


GUTFELD: Pete? She also -- she wanted to be the first at being the most woke, and I'm noticing that that people who try to be most woke, trying to appeal to the loudest voices on Twitter, they're not doing well.

HEGSETH: Well, because it's not authentic.


HEGSETH: And that's the reason why everyone thought she'd get out of the race and because she had a bromance with Bernie and they're both these far left that she would endorse them.

Except, oh, by the way, she saw him fading. She doesn't want to endorse a guy who is now losing. So it turns out, I can bend up my progressivism because I never really believed it that much to begin with.

That's why she lost to Bernie because she was the fake socialist.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

HEGSETH: Even though she is a socialist, she was willing to bend at any time and people went with the original gangster in Bernie Sanders.


HEGSETH: Why would you go for the cheap one? The poor man is Bernie.

GUTFELD: Bottom line is, when it came to Liz Warren, it was America who had reservations.


GUTFELD: You could have seen that line. It was like a Frisbee in the desert. You could see it from like six miles away coming right at you.

All right, Trump the incumbent. That's next.



AISHAH HASNIE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie.

The number of coronavirus cases continues to climb in the U.S. with more than 400 people now infected. Officials are scrambling to control this outbreak, 19 people have died and most of the fatalities were in Washington State. Ten of those deaths are linked to a nursing home in the Seattle area.

And New York's governor declaring a state of emergency with nearly 80 cases here in the state, the nation's capital also confirming its first presumptive case of the virus.

Overseas, dozens of people trapped after a hotel used as a quarantine center for coronavirus victims collapsed in China.

Emergency crews are searching for survivors, about 40 people have already been rescued. So far at least two deaths have been reported. No word on what caused the collapse.

I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW.

GUTFELD: So will it be Trumpy versus Grumpy?


GUTFELD: Or Trumpy versus Bumpy?


GUTFELD: I mean, we have this crazy thing that happened Tuesday, which he thought was Thursday.


DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: We have this crazy thing that happened right on Tuesday, which he thought was Thursday.


TRUMP: But he also said, 150 million people were killed with guns and he was running for the United States Senate.

Support me, I'm running for the United States -- there's something going on there.


GUTFELD: All right. But what about Bernie? I wonder, was he all set for Bernie?


TRUMP: I was all set for Bernie because I thought it was going to happen. You know, we get ready for things, right? So mentally, I'm all set for Bernie. I was ready to go and then I say, you know, I don't think I'm running against Bernie. I think it's going to be very hard for him to come back.


GUTFELD: But what can we expect from Trump, the incumbent candidate? Get this. His campaign already has plans to fly a blimp over swing states this summer to get its message out. A blimp you ask? Why a blimp?

And I say why not a blimp? You thought Trump tweets were something. This blimp is be like a Trump tweet flying right over your head.

I can't wait to see what it says on the blimp. Trump: The only thing higher than the Bernie Bros is this blimp.


GUTFELD: Trump: This is the best blimp. Everyone agrees, that I can tell you.


GUTFELD: Trump: Enough with a Jasper pics, Dana. We get it, you love your dog.


GUTFELD: Where's Hunter? He's got to do that. He has got to do that.


GUTFELD: Watch GUTFELD, but not "Watters' World."


GUTFELD: Good year? How about four more great years?


GUTFELD: And finally, Trump: How do I land? I don't know how they land blimps. I missed that in blimp school.

Jim, this is the first time we're going to see Trump, the incumbent. I'm kind of excited.

FLORENTINE: Yes, I don't know about the whole blimp thing. It's kind of dated. In this day and age, he could put a tweet out and 73 million people read it in one second.

GUTFELD: That's true.

FLORENTINE: You know, I mean, they're all guys though, you know Biden and Bernie -- you know, is Bernie going to start -- I don't know, is Biden going to start Morse code and tweeting?

You know, Bernie is going to travel by Pony Express? I mean, it's stupid.

Look, Biden has got to be worried about this.


FLORENTINE: About the blimp. You know, he might get like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I mean, wasn't he one of the passengers on the Hindenburg?



FLORENTINE: He could have been. He could have been.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's true. You know, Tyrus, I think it's going to be like from the Wrestling World, Trump as incumbent is defending his title.

MURDOCH: He is the reigning and defending, four years holding champion of the world basically.

I like the blimp because it's annoying.


MURDOCH: Because if you don't like him or you might not follow him on Twitter, but if you're mowing your liberal lawn and you know --


MURDOCH: You know, and then your liberal child is going, daddy, look at what's over my safe space? You know, like it's just -- you know, just keep flying around. Like, it will be nice when it swoops in over CNN, you know?


MURDOCH: That blimp would be like, no one's watching, you know, it's just kind of fun.

GUTFELD: That was funny. CNN. No one is watching. And you know, the President watches this show, so we just got like seven great ideas, Pete. Anything -- any suggestions for the blimp?

HEGSETH: Oh, you put me on the spot there.

GUTFELD: Well, I can ask you a different question.


GUTFELD: Read your book. Have him read your book.

HEGSETH: Okay. "American Crusade."

GUTFELD: Yes, "American Crusade." Show that cover again?

HEGSETH: Shall we, yes? No, this is for you, Greg.

GUTFELD: Oh, why? Thank you.

HEGSETH: Yes. Listen, I absolutely --



GUTFELD: Amen. I didn't know you had a tattoo there.


GUTFELD: So it expands.


HEGSETH: Maybe it's a picture of Trump. At first, I saw the blimp idea, too, and I thought yes, what in the world?

But it is absolute genius. Blimps don't move. They stay there for hours.



HEGSETH: And you look at it and then you -- maybe, but you're like maybe if I text the number on there, it'll go with away.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

HEGSETH: Anything to make it go away. Just the Trump derangement syndrome spins out of control. What I love about title defender Trump is, remember there were some people who were sort of encouraging him to be more presidential.


HEGSETH: He has got to prove to people --

GUTFELD: That was me. I was an idiot.

HEGSETH: Yes, a lot of us were figuring it out. I was right there, too.


HEGSETH: And then, now that he's been President for four years and mocked what it means to be presidential, imagine what those debates are going to look like. It's going to be great. Unpresidential presidential Trump.

GUTFELD: You know what --

HEGSETH: It's going to be the best.

GUTFELD: I'm scared, Kat that he might not do debates because you might not need to. That would break my heart.

TIMPF: Yes, because you know, it's going to be Trump and then a guy that's like, doesn't know, you know, that he is debating.


TIMPF: I mean, when I read all the articles about Super Tuesday, which was a lot of them, by the way -- there were many, many words. I kept seeing Joe Biden be referred to as the safe candidate.


TIMPF: And I would just pause every time because whenever I watch him talk, I don't feel safe.


TIMPF: Like I am nervous for him. I'm nervous for everyone around him. They're going to get called a dog faced pony soldiers. I'm nervous for myself and I'm not even involved and it makes no sense for me to be nervous whatsoever.

But it's still so overwhelmingly just terrifying.


TIMPF: It like you don't know what's going to happen.

GUTFELD: It's like watching a really bad street magician.


GUTFELD: It feels like somebody could just lose an eye or you know -- it's amazing. It could be so much fun.

TIMPF: He should do magic.


TIMPF: That would be better.

GUTFELD: Yes, he should do magic. All right, back in a bit. We've got more to come. Stay right there.



GUTFELD: Geeze Louise. Do they see the idiocy of their dance policy? Triple rhyme there, people.

According to "The Salt Lake Tribune," a paper, a Utah woman is challenging a middle school rule after her daughter wasn't allowed to say no to a boy who asked her to dance on Valentine's Day.

The mom says her sixth grader was asked to dance by a boy. The girl said no, but the School Principal stepped in and told her she had too and should.

Yes, I say shoo them onto the dance floor. The Principal says that's not how it went down, but admits that they asked that all students agreed to dance with each other. Claiming the policy was to make sure to kids that no kids feel like they get left out.

The mother says that's a load of crap. Kids should learn to handle rejection.

Now, apparently the Principal and Superintendent are reviewing the policy. But look, I get turned down when I ask people to dance all the time, sometimes on the subway, which is why I only dance with my miniature horse, Sparkles.



GUTFELD: You know, we cut out right in the nick of time. It went [bleep] crazy. Tyrus, you have daughters. I'm dying to know what you think. Try to get past that visual that I just --

MURDOCH: It's just been a weird show. You said I wear skinny jeans. I take showers in the Niagara Falls and then, man, pony love.


MURDOCH: I just don't know where we're going. Listen, I have huge issues with this. One, dancing is always a tough thing for kids anyway.


MURDOCH: I mean, you should be allowed to say no.


MURDOCH: And it shouldn't be -- on the other side, young men, the word no is what builds our character.

GUTFELD: Yes, rejection.

MURDOCH: I don't remember any of the girls I danced with, but I remember all the no's. I remember every no. You know, because there's that walk afterwards because you have to -- you're all back against the wall.

GUTFELD: Back to your --

MURDOCH: Up against the wall, heart is beating. You hear your favorite song and you're like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it.

And then your friends are like, you ain't going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then you walk over like, hey, would you like to dance? No. Cool.

I mean, you come back and be like, I hate the song. I never want to dance to the song anyway.


MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? You know what I mean? Like that's part of -- it builds character and you accept that. You should be able to accept no. Why do we feel as -- we live in a world where kids can't accept no. They can't fail. They can't have to deal with rejection.

Those are all the things that they need because the really real world is all about failing, no and rejection. And we don't want them to experience that, and then you make other kids uncomfortable?

GUTFELD: Yes. It's terrible.

MURDOCH: Like, you have to dance with someone?


MURDOCH: I don't know.

GUTFELD: You know, it's like an immune system that we're not building up for kids. Although, I will say this. I feel bad for a girl when she's asked to dance to "Stairway to Heaven" because it's like a nine-minute song.

And you know that things are happening. If it's a slow dance.

MURDOCH: I want to be honest, Greg, if it's an eighth grade dance and eight year olds, they're going to dance to "Stairway to Heaven," I got all kinds of problems with the DJ.


GUTFELD: I don't know. I just aged myself. Kat, you seem interested in this topic.

TIMPF: Yes, because this would have really helped me in high school.


TIMPF: But on second thought, it's wrong.


TIMPF: And also, I'm glad, because dancing alone isn't really bad. Like, if you're dancing with someone, your arms are totally out of play.


TIMPF: Like when you're alone, you can like totally get them involved and do all this stuff. So all these kids out there, if you're spending your teens dancing alone, just know, your arm dancing game is going to be awesome in your third kiss.

But don't wear light up flip flops under your dress. You might think it looks cute, but if you do have to run to the bathroom to cry, more people will notice.


GUTFELD: You have a lot of good crying tips.

TIMPF: I mean, I've done my fair share. You do get good at it after a while.

GUTFELD: All right, Pete, I'm crying to find out that this isn't really your book. But you also have children.

HEGSETH: I do. Many.

GUTFELD: How do you feel? You have many, that's right.

HEGSETH: Many, I do.

TIMPF: Sure does.


MURDOCH: Five whole villages of --

HEGSETH: Two girls under my --

GUTFELD: You have five boys and two girls.

HEGSETH: Yes. I would say, first of all, I agree with Tyrus, dancing as a young boy, I'm sure as a girl, too, was the most mortifying experience more than anything else.

Forget about sports. Forget about championship games. The idea of approaching a girl on the dance floor was psychologically impossible.

It seemed like a Rubicon you could not cross without looking like a fool.

So what I take issue with here is, it takes away the joy of victory. It's that one moment when you finally did muster the courage, and you know, someone named Andrea Merrier that might be a real name or a made up name.


HEGSETH: A real name, actually says yes. The clouds part and the sun shines and you are the man.

GUTFELD: And then you have children.

HEGSETH: Well, yes. Well, exactly. What if -- Andrea Merrier has to say yes to everybody, then what does it matter to me? There's no victory there.

At the same time, I would -- I would always want my children to be able to say no.

GUTFELD: Yes, of course.

HEGSETH: Get the heck out of here, you creep.


HEGSETH: Because the creeps didn't know they're creeps.

GUTFELD: It's difficult.


GUTFELD: Speaking of, Jim?

FLORENTINE: Yes. You know, it's funny how they teach us that no means no. Well, in this case, no means yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go.

FLORENTINE: Listen, it's not like they're putting on back that ass up or -- and people -- and the kids are twerking on each other.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

FLORENTINE: It's under supervision, sixth graders, so it's not going to be that bad. They are not grinding on each other on the dance floor.

GUTFELD: Thank you for the image.


FLORENTINE: Oh, yes, yes, you dancing with a pony. That was -- that was good.


GUTFELD: Yes. All right. My favorite story is up next. Don't go away.



GUTFELD: It's really quite lame to leave your bed for a game. True, it's too much effort to wake up and walk over to their desk to play video games. They got a furniture company in Japan that has created a bed that comes with a desk for your gaming screen.

A thing to hang your headphones on and a cup holder. It can run you over a thousand bucks. The only thing the bed doesn't come with is a toilet. But there is that cup holder which for me will do just fine.

Now, I love this bed, but video games don't interest me, unless someone came up with games that I would enjoy.

For example, get another tattoo with Pete Hegseth.


GUTFELD: Cover my entire body. Lose Jasper. I believe the goal here is to lose Jasper.


GUTFELD: And finally, escape from Lou Dobbs' Hot Tub. The twist is, you really don't want to escape. You find that out in the end. Figuratively, that is.

Kat, you're dating some guy. He invites you back to the apartment. You like him. He opens the door. You walk in. You see the gaming bed. Do you run screaming out? Or do you say --

TIMPF: I would be stunned for a while, maybe throw up.


TIMPF: But this wouldn't happen because no one with that bed would be talking to a girl, okay. I don't want to be mean, but this bed might as well be a coffin because these people are living so little. They're basically already dead.

I don't mean if you're playing video games, I mean if you need this bed because you feel like you're wasting too much time walking into another part of the room that you could be playing more video games.

You're not alive. That's not a life. You could die and literally be in hell and be like this level is hard. You wouldn't even notice.


TIMPF: But not to be mean.



GUTFELD: What to do -- people watch Netflix in bed. Why can't you do this? I am pro-gaming bed. There, I said it.

MURDOCH: This is literally an audition for my 600-pound life. Once you get on that bed, you don't move. You lay in bed and eat. You literally -- you can e-mail your catfish friend and Vietnam and play your game.

And there's two screens so you don't feel as lonely because no one else is next to you. I mean, it's just -- this is where we're at.

But you know when I think about it, this is less traffic for me at the park. Less people I've got to deal with at the zoo.

I am going to lay in bed and play a video game and think you're in the real world. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just -- this is what we're inventing? This is where we're at?

What you could do to stay more in bed?


MURDOCH: You know, like, why get up to the refrigerator when you can lay there and scream, Ma, I'm out of Funions, Ma.

You know like I like to work hard.

GUTFELD: In your bed --

MURDOCH: Like people work hard to be active and healthy and this promotes just expanding on the bed laying there.

GUTFELD: Jim, I'm going to -- I'm going to go pro on this one. I think you know, somebody sits in their bed, you know, this is a way to de-stress, keeps you from doing other things.

FLORENTINE: I noticed they only made a single bed, they didn't make a double bed. They didn't make it king or queen because they know any kid that's going to buy this has got no shot of getting a woman in that bed.


FLORENTINE: So there's no reason to make a big bed.

MURDOCH: Yes, great.



MURDOCH: That's a hundred percent right. Yes.


HEGSETH: I am with you.


HEGSETH: Because I think every teenager ever has had some variation of the video gaming bed.

GUTFELD: That's true.

HEGSETH: I had a bed, it had a table near it. I put the big box TV on it and my Nintendo. If the cord would reach far enough, I could lay back a little bit.


HEGSETH: It just made it easier and more convenient.

GUTFELD: Oh man.

MURDOCH: I'm sorry, Greg. I'm sorry, but that's different. I put -- I have to say, I had to invent. You had to be clever. You had to build forts and then your mom took it away because it wasn't right in the living room. Filthy lifestyle and you go outside and play.

She didn't say, hey, I've got a better idea. Let's make it all inclusive, so don't have to see you again.


GUTFELD: Well, that went into a dark area.


HEGSETH: But you admitted to having a gaming bed.

MURDOCH: Yes, because I had to use inventions and borrow chairs and kitchen utensils.

FLORENTINE: Greg, you know, I've got a screen like right above the bed. They got a place to eat right here.


FLORENTINE: You know, it sounds like a studio apartment in New York City.

GUTFELD: That's true.

FLORENTINE: Everything is right there.

GUTFELD: Exactly. And man, if it's adjustable, imagine.

HEGSETH: Of course, it is.

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't know what I'm imagining.

TIMPF: Yes, I'm not going to --

GUTFELD: Maybe I should just leave it in the dark part of my brain, where it will die.

Back with more show after this -- I hope.



GUTFELD: Finally tonight, we dig a little deeper in our ongoing series. By the end we may all agree that --

ANNOUNCER: Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks.


ANNOUNCER: Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks.

GUTFELD: They are imbalanced. Great jerks. Thanks, Pete, Jim Florentine, Kat, Tyrus, our studio audience.


GUTFELD: I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.


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