'The Five' react to Biden's 'cradle to grave socialism' plan

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'The Five' react to Biden's 'cradle to grave socialism' plan

Biden pushes universal pre-k and free college plans; 'The Five' weigh in

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," May 4, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld along with Jesse Watters and Katie Pavlich and Juan Williams and she wears a mask to her stuffed animal tea parties, Dana Perino. This is THE FIVE.

President Biden can't seem to make up his mind on which COVID rules Americans should follow. He likes to wear a mask outdoors as an extra precaution, but take a look at this photo of the Bidens with 96-year-old Jimmy Carter and former First Lady Roslyn inside without the masks on. Interesting. And today the president said this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Let's take a step back.

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Last week, the CDC said that vaccinated people do not need to wear their masks outside unless they're in a very crowded settings like a sporting event. I know it will take time to get everyone back, to everything back to normal. You know, we're all going to have to be patient with one another. Masks have needlessly divided this country. Masking as directed is a patriotic duty.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, and you're not a patriot if you don't wear them? So who is dividing the country? The White House getting grilled over a report that a major teacher's union pressured the CDC on reopening guidelines.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PSAKI: First, that's false. Let's take a step back and talk about how the CDC works. The CDC, it's actually long-standing best practice for the CDC to engage with organizations and groups that are going to be impacted by guidance and recommendations issued by the agency. The CDC engaged with 50 stakeholders that are on the front lines in this pandemic and have requisite perspective for the guidance.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And Washington, D.C.'s Democratic mayor, Muriel Bowser, is banning standing and dancing at weddings. Her office says it will add an extra layer of safety and misery. And cleansed people's behavior changes when they hit the dance floor. And that certainly is true with Jesse. He's all hands. So, Jesse --

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: That was the electric slide, Greg. That was required.

GUTFELD: Yes. Is that what you call it with your tongue? Sorry, that didn't go well over with me. Hey, so what do you make of this mixed message of him wearing a mask outside, Jesse, and then him with the Carter's -- they're both -- together are almost 200 years old. I mean, that's where you wear a mask.

WATTERS: You're good at math. That was good, Gutfeld. I think this country is living in three dimensions. You have the one dimension, which is normal people who have common sense and believe in science which says if you've been vaccinated or have antibodies, you can live your life without putting anybody at risk.

And then there's another dimension. I call this the CDC dimension. And this is more of your pseudoscience and your political science with a little sprinkling of Fauci or I don't know, teachers unions influence writing the guidelines.

And then the third dimension is Joe Biden. Joe Biden is the forever masked man, perpetual lockdown guy. And he is just there and he is going to have a mask on no matter what. The problem with that though is that he's vacillating between these three dimensions constantly.

So you can't say we're going to slap a travel ban on India and then import infected illegal immigrants. You can't knock Texas and say nothing when three weeks later New Jersey and New York go fully open. And you can't wear a mask alone outside and then kneel next to a 96-year-old with no masks on.

The problem is Joe Biden is confusing the American people and the American people are very easily confused. There is no division on mask wearing, Gutfeld. We had 90 percent compliance with mask usage during the pandemic.

People went inside, they wear a mask. When they came outside, they took it off. That's because outside, the sunlight kills the virus and it doesn't spread very much. That's the science. How do I know more about the science than the president?

I was terrible at science. I took a science requirement in college. It was called planets and the solar system and I did very poorly. Shockingly poorly. I still see these little minions at the White House rush to the podium before the president speaks and he's outside in the Rose Garden and they are spritzing it down with Lysol.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Didn't we just find out, I don't know, months ago, that the virus doesn't live on surfaces? Why are we doing that with the Lysol? Why do I know that and he doesn't?

GUTFELD: That's because you do your research, Jesse or Johnny does your research.

WATTERS: I do or I have Johnny do it for me, right.

GUTFELD: Right. Dana, from a public relations perspective --

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes.

GUTFELD: -- is it fair to say that this White House cannot lead. They could only use poll tested sloganeering. What do you make of that assessment?

PERINO: I feel like they have worked themselves into a corner because politically masks actually -- using mask is a dividing line amongst Americans. It actually worked very well for them in the campaign. But now that everybody's looking at the science and saying well, wait, but why you not -- you don't need that and I don't need that, and all these doctors all day long.

And I think Jesse is right. People are confused. Remember when the TSA first started and it was like, if you have an iPad you don't have to take it out of your bag but if it's a laptop, you do. Shoes this way but not shoes this way. And it was like, what -- and oh, and actually remember the liquids and what liquids are available or allowed and what are not.

WATTERS: I threw out some very expensive shampoo because of that.

PERINO: That, I mean, and I mean, that and the world has never been the same with your hair. That's a real, unfortunate thing.

GUTFELD: You're the real victim.

PERINO: So I do think they've painted themselves into a corner. But, Greg, I think there might be good news for you and me. If we can put up that picture again of the Bidens. So, Greg, it seems to me that if you get fully vaccinated, as you and I are, we might actually grow to be supersized.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: And that might be -- and that could be amazing.

GUTFELD: It is an incredible optical illusion.

PERINO: I don't get -- I can't stop looking at it.

GUTFELD: I know. It's amazing. It's like Joe Biden is like 13 feet tall. He's like -- he's bigger than Tyrus. He's bigger than Tyrus. So, Juan, you mentioned this yesterday and I have said it before, that like it is almost natural for the American people to be the ones who go forward, who lead the leaders so to speak. Right? Maybe?

JUAN WILLIAMS, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. Well, I thought you had something else to say. And no, I agree with that 100 percent. Let's go for it. I mean, I don't see -- I hear what you guys were saying about the president and I'm just puzzled because to me, this is all like being in the weeds.

I mean, the central point I think, you know, for us as communicators to deliver is everybody should get vaccinated. I think we can all agree on that. And I think that's all the president is trying to say this afternoon when he said, you know, we can really do this. We're going to have more vaccinations, more ways to get vaccines to people.

We're going to do a better job of trying to explain to people who might have some questions or doubt by getting their family, their religious leaders to speak with them. This is all good stuff. I think this is what we need to emphasize.

I mean, at the moment, you know, there's nearly close to 600,000 of us Americans who've died. You think about what's going on in India. They say it's beyond crisis proportions at the moment. And the focus on this photo, all four of the people in that photo have been vaccinated. And we should emphasize that. We should give thanks for that.

PERINO: But that's the point.

WILLIAMS: That our American leaders have been vaccinated and we understand why they're there, rather than trying to say, oh, wait a second. There some contradiction. Some hypocrisy. No.

GUTFELD: Yes, there is.

WILLIAMS: It's keeping with what you've been talking about in terms of the science and in terms of what's good for us and when the president says let's be patriotic, you know what, let's stand together against a common enemy.

GUTFELD: Who is what? Who is the common enemy?

WILLIAMS: COVID.

GUTFELD: Okay. Katie, there is a bit of contradiction though because he still wears the mask outside when he's alone. That's the whole point. There's a context to this conversation.

KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEW CONTRIBUTOR: Well, first of all, Greg, I know that you're an amazing guitar player with the singing that you opened the show with. I can see why you're no longer in a band. Okay. I understand that couldn't have played out.

GUTFELD: Yes. I was dared. The producer dared me to do that. I put it on the producer.

PAVLICH: It was pretty good. But yes, on the mask wearing, so they go in and they take this photo, right, with the masks off and then they put the masks back on to walk outside --

GUTFELD: Right.

PAVLICH: -- to go back into a vehicle where everybody has been vaccinated. And again, if you look at the CDC website, which we're all supposed to be following, they say vaccinated people do not need to wear masks indoors with each other. And that's why they were following it in that situation.

But if you look at the joint session of Congress speech, all these congressmen, the president, vice president, speaker of the house, they're all wearing masks even though they're vaccinated. So, there is this contradiction.

And for him to say that this is a patriotic duty to continue to wearing masks and now to get vaccinated, that's a pretty tall, you know, that's a pretty ridiculous standard. And one thing that caught my eye today or my ear I guess, as you would say, is that he was asked after his little speech whether he wanted to implement a travel requirement, like you can't travel inside domestically in the United States if you haven't gotten the vaccine. H

And he didn't -- he didn't say no, were not going to implement that. As the White House has said before, they knocked down vaccine passports from the government previously. And today he kind of waffled on that. So, are they going to say now if you want to travel and be patriotic you have to get your vaccine? And then how do you enforce that and prove that? So, they're changing the goalposts all over again when it comes to what the requirements are.

GUTFELD: Exactly. All right. Up next, get ready for cradle to the grave socialism if President Biden and the progressives get their way.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: He is the $6 trillion man. Big government Joe Biden is promising an avalanche of new spending on top of his massive stimulus plan. Biden wants to expand the roll of the federal government in just about every aspect of your life.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: My American Families Plan guarantees four additional years of public education for every person in America.

Universal high-quality preschool for 3 and 4-year-olds. Not day care, preschool.

We can't stop there. We're going to add two years of community college on top of that. The American Families Plan is going to finally provide up to 12 weeks of paid and medical leave -- paid family medical leave.

I plan on giving tax breaks to the working class folks and making everybody pay their fair share.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: All right, Juan, here's why Republicans are so suspicious of Democrats pushing socialism. Because Republicans are the only thing standing on the way of Democrats and socialism. Every time you guys get power, you add a new program, you give more free stuff and it never ends.

WILLIAMS: Wow. You know, I have the other view here. I'm remember that the economy absolutely took off under Bill Clinton for example. I remember that when Barack Obama got in, he had to rescue the economy. I don't think there's any question about that. And I think that the economy experienced tremendous, consistent growth under Obama, not as fast as I know you, Jesse, would've liked but it was consistent.

And I think that right now when we talk about this Biden program as socialist, you know, I think I've said this several times so pardon me for repeating it. But since Joe Biden was elected on this agenda, the stock market is up 20 percent. So that means that the investor class, the CEOs, the bankers, as well as the unions and workers all say this is a good plan. We don't have a problem with it.

The stock market says let's go, baby. You know, the GDP says let's take off. But you know, specifics of the plan like things like universal pre-K, the things, you know, things that mean something to me like, you know, paid leave, like -- and should mean something to you. You just had a baby. You got a week off.

You know, we had paid leave. Joe Biden says in a pro-worker statement, it shouldn't just be for people like you and me. It should be for hourly workers as well. That's good for the American economy. It's true in other developed countries. Why not here?

WATTERS: I support paid leave for you too, Juan.

WILLIAMS: I appreciate it.

WATTERS: Dana Perino, I think what I was getting at there is that Republicans are the only ones pumping the brakes here on Democrats expanding government. Every time they get power, they want to just spend more and grow the government more and more and more. So, we are the only one stopping them. If we weren't here, it would just be a full socialist takeover.

PERINO: And I think this is actually a more useful direction that this conversation is going beyond just the eye-popping numbers that he wants to spend. It is how does he want to spend it? It's like a whole different shift of having governments be in control of even more things. How has that worked out in the past?

Look at Europe in terms of innovation and economic growth. One of the reasons that their militaries are so basically weak and hobbled is because they have all of these entitlements that they continue to build, to grow and that spending never stops.

It's also a problem here. You know, the rest of our budget gets squeezed because we never want to deal with those programs like social security and Medicare and that's true of both parties. But right now I think what you're seeing is that I think that Joe Biden's agenda, it's already stalling out and I'll tell you why I think that.

He went on a big trip yesterday to Virginia. He was trying to sell his American Jobs Plan. Not a blip, Jesse. And you already have Democrats who are in tough races in 2022 saying, yes, I don't think we're going to be for that. And so with the very small margins that they have, they are not going to be able to just muscle this through.

And the longer it hangs out there and gets more scrutiny like what we are doing right now, the more likely it is that it sort of dies on the vine or at least gets pared way, way back.

WATTERS: Do you think that's true, Katie? Do you think the Democrats are scared to go along with Joe's plan because they're just going to get shellacked next election?

PAVLICH: I think some of that maybe true, but I also believe that if the Senate were more heavily Democrat, meaning it wasn't 50/50 and Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema didn't have as much power as they do, that they would be more than happy to push through a lot of these things. I think it's more of a Senate issue --

WATTERS: Yes.

PAVLICH: -- than it would be in the House. But on this issue -- whose phone is ringing?

WILLIAMS: It was mine. I apologize.

PAVLICH: Just kidding. On this issue of -- okay, Juan.

WATTERS: It was Juan. It was Juan.

PAVLICH: It was Juan. It's okay. So on this issue of the free college, right, community college, Joe Biden is pushing this at the same time you have these school districts across the country saying no more advanced math. So, free college but you don't get to actually take advanced courses that may get you to college or get you a scholarship to college.

The other thing about this is the grave -- the cradle to grave socialism, this is always sold as Americans having more opportunity, right? Paid leave will give more women more opportunity, but it's actually the opposite. It means you have less freedom, you have fewer choices and the private sector gets completely suffocated because it can't afford these policies.

We are seeing it right now with unemployment. These restaurants, they can't hire enough people because people aren't going back to work because they are making more money from the government than they are actually going to work. And so the opposite of these programs is always the truth, of less freedom, fewer choices and more expenses than is being sold by President Biden right now.

WATTERS: Last word goes to Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: Just to point out that the GDP and stocks aren't reacting to Joe's tax plan. They are reacting to the pandemic shutdown that is reopening. You always get -- this is just eternally true, you always get big gains in an economy, GDP and stock market, after huge losses because you have a lot of turf to expand, to grow, until it levels off, and then the growth gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Yes, I am an economist.

Here's the problem with -- here's the problem with this debate, it's not the 1980's anymore. If you call something socialism, it's not going to persuade a population that has no idea what it means. No one is being educated anymore about socialism.

They don't know anything about USSR. They haven't read any history books or world history on socialism. They don't know what it means. So cradle to grave government actually sounds pretty good. It's like wow, that's awesome. That means the government is going to be with me until I die. I don't have to worry about anything.

And the thing is, the reason why they think that way and it's natural because no one has explained to them so succinctly the trade-offs. Obviously this comes with a price and you need to tell them, okay, if you turn everything over to government, number one, you can afford it. The country goes broke.

And when there is an emergency, number two, let's say like a war, your military will be hog-tied. The goods and services will not meet the standards of private industry. So what you pay for i.e. Amtrak or the mail, it's nothing like what FedEx could do. So it all, over time, goes to hell in terms of quality.

The individual is less inclined to achieve greatness if they know if they don't have to. They are still going to get a free meal and a free X and free Y. You don't have to work so hard. And then lastly, you just run out of rich people, right. Either they go broke or they leave. So that needs -- we need to explain.

WATTERS: Or you can just --

GUTFELD: Go ahead. Sorry.

WATTERS: Or you could just do this. You could just say big tax and spending liberals are racist.

GUTFELD: There you go.

WATTERS: That's what the Democrats do. Just call it racism.

GUTFELD: That's a good point.

WATTERS: That's much easier.

GUTFELD: That would have saved lots of time.

WATTERS: A woke CIA recruitment video just getting totally ridiculed. How the spy agency is responding to that, next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PAVLICH: The CIA getting mocked after posting this woke recruitment ad that's being called a huge pander to progressives.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNKNOWN: I am a CIS gender millennial who's been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am intersectional, but my existence is not a box checking exercise. I used to struggle with imposter syndrome, but at 36, I refuse to internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PAVLICH: The agency is responding to the uproar saying its social media series "Humans of the CIA" have been around since 2019 and highlights stories of officers. And they just gave us this new statement. "2020 was a standout recruitment year for the CIA despite the pandemic. Our 2021 incoming class is the third largest in a decade." Well, Jesse, because the private sector wasn't hiring but the government continued to hire because they're (inaudible) taxpayers that might be the reason why one them, that recruitment is up.

WATTERS: I'm not really worked up about the video. I just don't know what intersectional means. I tried to find out and I still have no idea what it means. I don't think anybody actually knows the definition of that word.

The CIA can recruit from anywhere, you know, Silicon Valley, the military, Yale. But they probably do need to recruit women because you got to have women at the CIA. I mean, they can be very effective spooks. Ask Swalwell about Fang Fang. You know what happened there.

But not just as honeypots either. I'm talking about analysts and recruiters and specialist, case officers. You definitely need women there. And if you look at the whole video, she is saying I'm not a victim. She is like, I'm a mom. I'm a patriot. I don't speak in like a valley girl. I didn't see that much wrong with it besides the word intersectional, which is just ridiculous.

PAVLICH: Juan, would you like to define intersectional for Jesse?

WATTERS: He can't. He can't do it.

WILLIAMS: Well, I guess it means you cross a whole bunch of lines, you know. I just did for you.

WATTERS: What does that mean?

WILLIAMS: You crossed a whole bunch of lines.

WATTER: That doesn't cross a whole bunch of lines --

WILLIAMS: Well, she said she had problem with anxiety -- yes, she has trouble with anxiety, so that's, you know, a mental issue. I think she's saying she's a woman in a mostly male profession. That's another -- crossing another line, Jesse. She's a minority person.

WATTERS: OK. Well, I want people that have anxiety to work at the CIA. That's good.

WILLIAMS: Oh, yes, I agree with you. That's -- so, that's what it means. But you know, to me, I like the ad. And you know why I like the ad? Because I want the best spy agency in the world to work for the USA. And to me, you want all kinds of people. You know, I think back because I know some of this history that when Bill Donovan created, or you know, was allowed to create, the CIA, was out of World War II.

And he was hiring people. I don't know if you know this, but like people like Julia Child, the chef, was hired for the CIA. Moe Berg, who was a catcher, a baseball player hired for the CIA. Actors, poets, they all got hired in addition to military people. So, I just think, you know, like they recruit Mormons heavily. Why? Because Mormons go on missionary trips and learn other languages and have experience overseas. They're great people to be spies. That's what they should be doing.

GUTFELD: Way to blow their cover, Juan.

PAVLICH: Dana, you do a lot of mentorship of young women, but -- and being diverse is an important thing, but you also don't want to distract from the work that you're doing with all these other issues.

PERINO: Well, actually, I think that the video is fine. I actually want to, you know, thank this young woman for serving in our intelligence community because it's vitally important. I talked to a retired CIA officer today who is older, white, conservative guy who said this is spot on.

He gives me one specific reason. For example, he said, China is kicking our butts in terms of recruitment in southern and Latin America, and that we have to figure out a way to do something, and that the agency historically has had a hard time recruiting Latinas in particular.

And so, they have all these different types of ways that they target in these videos. Like, they -- like, the CIA really encourages people that to get together and sort of try to make a love connection. Because if both people work at the CIA, it's easier on a family and in marriage.

I think the recruitment videos are totally cool. And I want to thank her for being willing to serve and to put herself out there.

PAVLICH: Greg, final word.

GUTFELD: I didn't -- I thought it was silly. I really did. And the reason is because I do not -- I just hate phony, manipulated, manufactured language. Those woke -- the woke vocabulary is twisting the way we think the fact that -- like, you know, Jesse is at least being honest in saying he doesn't know what intersectionality is because I've never heard somebody say, I'm intersectional. I know what it is.

But it shows you how ideology -- the ideology of wokeism terrifies even the CIA. You know, they are so worried about woke Twitter, they have to put this out there. This is not about increasing the diversity of your employees. This is the opposite of diversity. This is uniformity of thoughts. Predicating identity over individuality, it's very -- it sounds very culty to me.

I mean, and also, it's just tough to be a secret agent when you keep blabbing about your identity. I mean, are you supposed to be -- aren't you supposed to keep that stuff to yourself, for God's sake, unless she is a genius and this is her fake identity and she's actually somebody else? But it also makes me wonder if we actually need a CIA because if they're busy making these videos, maybe they got a lot of free time on their hands. Maybe the CIA is kind of irrelevant.

PAVLICH: OK.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PAVLICH: All right, up next, chaos in the skies is back. There's a major surge and out-of-control passengers on airplanes.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Welcome back, millions of Americans are feeling more comfortable, and they're back in the air flying again. But you know what that means, more cases of passengers just going berserk. Like these recent examples of people fighting or refusing to wear a mask.

The FAA is warning air travelers about a dramatic increase in bad behavior on airplanes with cases of unruly passengers soaring from 150 per year annually in past years to 1,300 in 2021. And it's only May. It's going to get worse. So, Katie, what do you make of this? Why is this happening? I mean, is this about COVID? Is this about people being stressed out? Katie?

Oh, I'm sorry. We lost Katie for a second.

PERINO: I'll jump in. I can jump in, Juan, if you want. This is Dana.

WILLIAMS: OK. Go ahead, Dana.

PERINO: Yes, sure. So, we will get Katie back. I'm sure we will. And I'm not exactly sure of what is happening but it does seem that the social norms that we had before the pandemic should exist after the pandemic. And a lot of people have still been traveling and it's been safe to travel, at least from a virus perspective. This doesn't look as safe, especially because you had people that actually got hurt.

I think they might have to extend some real penalties here and make it very clear that the consequences will be severe, perhaps a different type of no- fly list for people that behave this way.

WILLIAMS: You know, Greg, this is a good point because last year with COVID, the FAA agreed to impose very strict sanctions against any passenger that misbehaves or challenges a flight attendant. So, do you think that has made the flight attendants more aggressive in terms of enforcing the rules or do you think this is all about the passengers?

GUTFELD: Well, I think that this is just going along with the overall trend of rising violence in America if you have 150 cases that go -- from 150 to 1300, that's not isolated. In 37 cities, according to Axios today, murder rate is up 18 percent on top of a 33 percent increase in homicide from last year. So, you put that together, that's almost 50%.

So, when you're seeing this happen everywhere to the point made earlier, that we're probably dealing with a larger issue, a larger cultural issue, not just oh, this is happening on a plane. It's happening everywhere.

WILLIAMS: Wow. So, Jesse, the heart and soul of the complaints tend to be about wearing a mask. And as we know, it's gone from being a health issue to a political divide in the country. Is that part of the reason that we're seeing this uptick in bad behavior on planes?

WATTERS: I don't know. I haven't followed it that closely, Juan. I just see the fights break out and I dial in then. But Gutfeld's guests when I was on his show, exclamation mark, the other day had a funny point. He said, all these fights and plans just makes us realize things are getting back to normal. And that's a good thing.

I don't know if you guys saw Sebastian Maniscalco special Aren't You Embarrassed? He has a great material where he talks about people going nuts on planes. And if some agent comes by in tactical gear and says you have to come with me, you know, most normal people said, OK, stand up and leave and apologize.

But now, people leave kicking and screaming. And the point is, have you no shame? And I think, Juan, the left has destroyed shaming in this country. Shaming is important in a society. We need to be able to pass judgments on people that are behaving in a ridiculous fashion so those people feel shame and don't do that.

When you're not allowed to shame people, when anything is OK, you can, you know, bring a flamingo on a flight as an emotional support patter or you know, smack around your children in broad daylight, people are just going to continue to do things that are going to disrupt our lives, and we don't want our lives disrupted. We have places to go.

WILLIAMS: Way to go. I think you're more of a dad, Jesse. You know, we're going to have to impose some discipline on that young fellow you brought along. All right, "THE FASTEST" is that next right here for you on THE FIVE.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Welcome back. It's time for "THE FASTEST." So, first up, get this. Elizabeth Warren knows how to spread the wealth around or in this case, a wrapped burrito for her dog as a special treat for his birthday. Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA): Oh, who's ready for a birthday burrito? Sit, Bailey, sit. Sit, Bailey, sit, sit. And the burrito. Yes, yes, yes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Jesse. I mean, where's PETA when you need it?

WATTERS: Dana, what's with Massachusetts senators mistreating their dogs? You know, you put him on the roof of a car, you throw a fully wrapped burrito in his mouth. I don't get it. That's not how I feed Rookie. I'm sure no one else does that.

PERINO: Let me just tell you that's not the farmer's dog dinner. Greg, even you know that this isn't right, you know?

GUTFELD: Even I do.

PERINO: You don't give a dog a burrito. You don't have a dog and you know.

GUTFELD: Yes, even I know that -- even I know that it's not right. I don't know what that means. But this is just a part of our bigger problem of never being seen as authentic. Every time she tries to do something human, it always feels like an absurd put on.

You know, remove the -- like, human beings remove the wrapper from the burrito. It's like that Native American lie just informs everything she does from trying to open a beer. And then her poor husband has always off on the side of all of these things going like, do we really have to do this again? This never works out. I'll be in the other room with the beer.

PERINO: Remember when she asked him, do you want a beer? And he's like, OK.

GUTFELD: No, thank you.

PERINO: Juan, how do you think the after-effects of this burrito came out?

WILLIAMS: Well, that's exactly where I was going.

WATTERS: That rug is going to get a mess on it.

WILLIAMS: Wow. How about, she's going to get a mess on her at the sidewalk. I mean, because you know, I mean, look, I think mostly it's rice. And so, rice is not a problem for a dog. But, you know, my guess is that she always says I have a plan for this. She better have a plan for cleaning up after that dog.

PERINO: I assume so. But Happy Birthday to the pup anyway. Next up, a Starbucks barista sharing this ridiculously long drink order for a customer named Edward. It includes 13 modifications for a Carmel ribbon crunch frappuccino. Some of the special instructions include seven pumps of dark caramel sauce, and being double blended.

It said Edward, but I had a spy there and they said it was actually Jesse. Is this how you order your Starbucks?

WATTERS: No, no, not me. I'm trying to stay slim. You know, the camera adds 10 pounds. But I think whoever ordered, that's probably in the ER right now. Look at that. That's a diabetic shock right there. How many pumps of dark caramel sauce, seven?

PERINO: Seven.

WATTERS: I think one has about 250 calories. Good night.

PERINO: And also, Greg, it had seven servings of frappuccino chips.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, we're losing -- there are no more adults in this world because that is actually not a coffee beverage. That is a kid's dessert at a birthday party. When you look at all of the ingredients, the guy is literally drinking a double slice of a birthday cake, but he thinks it's coffee.

When you get up in the morning, when you have coffee, you need one thing, coffee, black as death. That's the way you drink it. That's how an adult drinks it. Turning it into this thing, this is not even -- this isn't even a beverage. It is now a blenderized food. It's disgusting.

PERINO: It is. And also, I mean --

WATTERS: Wait, I have to have black coffee?

GUTFELD: Black coffee --

WATTERS: I would be less of a man if I have -- if I put milk in it?

GUTFELD: The only way -- the only way you can drink coffee is black. Sorry, it's just the way it is.

WATTERS: OK. OK, got you.

PERINO: How do you take your coffee, Juan?

WILLIAMS: Black. But I must say, you know what I noticed was this order --

WATTERS: Oh, ouch.

WILLIAMS: -- went in at 7:00 p.m., Dana. So, Greg is right. This was a desert.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: And the other thing -- the other thing to say here is I like, by the way, a black coffee and a doughnut. That's all I need. I'm an old- fashioned guy. But I noticed that the baristas and the bartenders these days, basically they become chemists. They have to really know a lot of stuff that -- I mean mocktails, even if it doesn't have alcohol, it's a complicated cocktail.

PERINO: In the U.K., I believe that they would say this customer was taking the P-word. If in case you know what that is.

GUTFELD: The pound, taking the pound?

PERINO: P-I-S-S. All right, and finally, two in five Americans find it socially unacceptable to keep people waiting. And the average adult starts to feel stress if they are just 10 minutes late for social events or meetings. We don't really have that problem around here, Greg, because we can't be five minutes late to a show.

GUTFELD: No, we lose the job. There's only -- there's -- the only late people I respect are the truly late, i.e. those who are not alive. I have never been late to anything. I'm like, I'm so obsessive early, that's a disorder.

PERINO: Jesse, I give a pass to young mothers, mothers of young children because it always takes longer to get out of the house, I imagine.

GUTFELD: Sexist.

WATTERS: Yes, but I'm a stickler for tardiness, Dana. As the son of two educators being punctual and attendance were -- I think I have many good qualities. Those are probably my two best qualities.

PERINO: All right. And Juan, you like -- you like being on time, even though we sometimes we have to ask where's Juan?

WILLIAMS: No, I'm -- yes, I'm not good at this. I must say, I think this is the source of the greatest tension between couples men and women in a marriage. I've noticed that. And I must tell you, I'm not good at this. In fact, my children, Dana, call me The Late Juan Williams as if I had already gone.

PERINO: But you are still here with us and "ONE MORE THING" is that next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It's time now for "ONE MORE THING." We still don't have Katie so it's just us four. Juan, be the first.

WILLIAMS: All right, so Greg, is this a little Darth Vader? Take a careful look -- careful listen as a six month -- 16 months old simply says the word, mama.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can you say, mama.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mama, mama, mama.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nice.

WILLIAMS: That's Aiden James, a toddler who lives in Ireland. And he was eating his berries sitting on his dad's lap when he gave that incredible striking voice, you know, interpretation of the word Mama.

His mom Maiken Woll Eide and her dad -- and the dad Julian Brophy, the man who can't stop laughing in that video, later joke that they might need an exorcist after hearing that voice come out of their baby.

GUTFELD: And it's -- it is Star Wars Day, Jesse. May the force be with you.

WILLIAMS: Yes, indeed.

WATTERS: Thanks, Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: You're welcome, Watters.

WATTERS: So, Derby on Saturday and also coincided with wedding season. Medina Spirit 12 to one actually was victorious. And Shawn Clooney found out during the ceremony, trying to control himself as the vows were being exchanged. With 12 to one, I mean, that's a big payday. He did his best to try to keep it in, but you know, it's a lot of dough. So, congrats to Shawn.

And you know, that's pretty much every mom's reaction when they find out that they get How I Saved the World signed copy on Mother's Day. Yes, mothers who love me because I'm so adorable, what's not to love, can get a second edition of how I save the world on July 6th when it's released.

But if you're having trouble finding the right gift for mom, you can just go to how -- you can just go to savetheworldbook.com, print out this little certificate. I have it right here. It's so easy. Moms are hard to shop for.

GUTFELD: That's true.

WATTERS: But a gift like this is easy. And you can give it to her. It's a very special-looking. And then she gets it on her doorstep July 6th, and it's signed.

PERINO: You can't beat that.

WATTERS: It's from me, Jesse. They're going to love that.

WILLIAMS: Nothing short of a kiss from Jesse, I'm telling you, for mom.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, Jesse, I think I saw that guy in a park last week. I can't -- he looks familiar. But anyway, Dana?

PERINO: Well, I don't want to -- I think everybody should order How I Save the World for Mother's Day. But I also have to do this. At the Fox shop, you can get this. Look at this hat. It actually fits me pretty well. I like this hat. We've got this mug. But also look, check this one out. A Fox Mom. You could get that for her if you go to -- there's a lot of merchandise. You go to shop.foxnews.com and you use the code FoxMom and you get 15 percent off your order through May 9th.

GUTFELD: Interesting.

WATTERS: None of that signed by me though. I just want to clarify.

PERINO: Got it.

GUTFELD: Well, I'm definitely going there after this show and load up on some boxers. I don't know what I'm saying.

WATTERS: I saw you as more of a briefs guy.

GUTFELD: We don't know where Katie went so she's still not back.

PERINO: There's a storm in D.C. I think that's why.

GUTFELD: There you go.

WILLIAMS: Yes, there is a storm. I can hear it.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, that's it for us. "SPECIAL REPORT" is up next. 

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