This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," March 30, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: We have some great, great friends in the media, too. You look at Rush and Sean...

(Cheering and Applause)

TRUMP: And Laura and Steve, and Ainsley and Tucker and Jeanine. Jeanine is back. Jeanine is back.

(Cheering and Applause)

TRUMP: Going to be back on Saturday night, Jeanine. And even Greg likes me now. Greg. He started a little slow, but he likes me.

(Cheering and Applause)


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: It's about time.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, oh here we are. So about this collusion thing.


TRUMP: The Special Counsel completed its report and found no collusion. There was no collusion. The collusion delusion is over.


GUTFELD: Collusion delusion. That sounds like a [bleep] David Blaine show. Welcome to the collusion delusion. Anyway, it's big news, worthy of a big rally especially since most of the media were betting on the opposite.

No one has been this wrong since God made tonsils.


GUTFELD: I remember like it was yesterday.


JILL WINE-BANK, CONTRIBUTOR, MSNBC: I looked up the definition of treason as soon as people started saying this was treason and indeed it is.

JOE SCARBOROUGH, ANCHOR, MSNBC: They were conspiring with Russians, not colluding. Let's just not use the word "colluding." They were conspiring.

JOY BEHAR, HOST, ABC: Michael Flynn promised full cooperation to the Mueller team and is prepared to testify that as a candidate, Donald Trump directed him to make contact with the Russians. Yes.




GUTFELD: That did not age well, but at least some of them kept their sanity.


RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: This guy, Kilimnik keeps turning up again and again. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. He is still Russian military intelligence. Kilimnik, a short man who goes by "Kostya." This guy Konstantin Kilimnik. Aluminum smelters. Big, big aluminum smelters. Giant aluminum smelters. He started sleeping at his smelters. Sabotage in his smelters. Came to his smelters. Very brutal start, right? Sleeping in the smelters.

The next person who would be criminally charged in the Robert Mueller Special Counsel investigation bingo game. Did you have a square marked Alex van der Zwaan. Alex van der Zwaan. Alex van der Zwaan.

Chromium, atomic number 24. The brother of the guy who has got the chromium plant. The guy who was the brother of the chromium plant. Chromium plant in Kazakhstan. Chromium plant in Kazakhstan. Next time you see something chrome-plated, take a deep breath. Cough it out and think of the Trump Soho.

Big story. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Boom. It started ticking again. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Four hours later boom, boom. You're stressing me out. He starts tick, tick, ticking again. The boom goes off twice. First boom. Tick, tick, tick, boom. Tick, tick, ticking, second boom.

Bombshell. The guy who ticks. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, boom. Boom again. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, the boom. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Ahead of time. Ahead of the scoop and then boom.


(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, nice work. Oh my -- good job, Johnny with the montage. You know, poor Rachel is turning into your crazy aunt right before your eyes. Ten bucks says she's going to show up to work next week with Kleenex boxes for shoes.

So, now the people who were dead wrong are now warning Trump against taking a victory lap. Like they have the license to give advice. The freaks who've been telling everyone that he's a spy are saying don't be happy that he is not. Please, forgive us if we aren't relieved that our country is in safe hands, you jackasses.


GUTFELD: But imagine -- imagine if the outcome will reverse and Mueller concluded there was collusion. This would be CNN.


GUTFELD: This would be MSNBC.


GUTFELD: This would be "The Washington Post."


GUTFELD: But sadly for them, it didn't turn out that way. Instead, no collusion, hence this is CNN.




GUTFELD: And this is "The Washington Post."


GUTFELD: But I don't feel bad for the media, neither should you because they never learn. This is what happens when you invest too much in something you want to be true and now it's not to be. You're crushed. No, you're worse than crushed, you're Tom Arnold.

What happened to that guy? Isn't it amazing how the loudest collusioners have gone silent? Where could they be?


GUTFELD: I love you. So think about what the media could have covered instead of this circus. Imagine the things they missed being so focused on collusion. Probably a lot of stuff.


TOM SHILLUE, HOST, FOX NATION: This is ridiculous. It's a cover-up. It's so obvious there's collusion. Why can't anyone see that?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Honey, really. I thought this was over and done with?

SHILLUE: Oh no. It's just the beginning. Who is that?


SHILLUE: You play tennis?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: About to learn. Don't wait up.

SHILLUE: You two have fun. Adam Schiff is right. There is collusion, all right. It's just worse than we thought.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Come on, Dick. Again with this [bleep]? It's over. Mueller did the investigation. Let it go.

SHILLUE: You tell yourself that. You're so na<ve. This goes straight to the top. They're colluding under our noses. Hey, who is that?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Our horse trainer.

SHILLUE: Horse trainer. You have a horse?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes, we won one in the raffle last year. We'll be back in a few hours. Don't wait up.

SHILLUE: You two have fun. That's it. They need to impeach Trump and put him behind bars.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey, honey, we're going to Aspen.

SHILLUE: Oh, hey, tennis pro or is it horse trainer?


SHILLUE: Aspen. Sounds great. You guys need some company?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I don't want you to miss anything on the collusion scandal. It's right under all of our noses.

SHILLUE: That is right. Thank you honey.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh thank you, collusion. Without you, I wouldn't have any fun.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Brought to you by collusion. It keeps idiots busy, so they miss what's going on right under their noses.


(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: You see while he was like looking at collusion, his wife was having sex with that guy, just explaining it to any of my relatives. So few people have ever had a better week like Trump's. First, you're vindicated after a two-year witch hunt, then this putz gets arrested for like everything, but if you think he's having a bad day, imagine being one of his clients.

On Stormy's list of life stump decisions, how amazing is it that doing porn ends up being number two after hiring that guy. He sucks, but the media is worse, after all, they gifted him the spotlight because he did their bidding. They loved him because he parroted their anti-Trump desires, so they overlook the sleaze.

So it's good to be Trump today. At CNN, their anchors have so much egg on their faces Brian Stelter keeps chasing them around with a fork.


GUTFELD: So what's next? At CNN, they reported on a poll in which the majority said that Donald Trump is ill-tempered. Yes, imagine that, to go from calling the President a Russian spy to you know he's just a big meanie. That's like going from Genghis Khan to Chaka Khan.


GUTFELD: So off they go to find another lame story to scream about and you will go on with your life happy in the thought that you were correct and you were saying -- and yet, you had a friend like me to steer you right. You're welcome.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. When it comes to things lawful, she's the opposite of awful. Attorney and Fox News contributor, Emily Compagno.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Like a sandpaper whoopee cushion, he's tough and funny. His new comedy special, "I Got The House" is on Sirius XM, Jim Florentine.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Her relentless wrath will make you gasp. Host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: His shadow is considered a weather pattern, former WWE Superstar and my massive sidekick and host of "UnPC" of Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Emily, Emily, Emily, you are an attorney. What do you think of all of this Mueller stuff? You've had a week to digest.

EMILY COMPAGNO, ATTORNEY: I think the biggest thing that stands out to me is the fact that so many people vilifying AG Barr's kind of his objectivity when he literally glided to quote the "New York Times" in 91 through the then, you know, bicameral chamber and now he's apparently the biggest Trump supporter ever and they're overlooking the fact that he worked with the entire department and Rod Rosenstein to come to the conclusions.

They're overlooking the part where it's DOJ policy to release a summary. They're overlooking the part where during his confirmation hearings, he sat up and down like absolutely, I will release everything. It's like none of it ever happened because like you said earlier, they're shoving him into this narrative where he's all of a sudden a bad guy. I feel like. So to me, it's one of the many disservices being done for all of us as constituents.

GUTFELD: Jim, as an attorney, do you have any legal analysis? Like that - - clearly, you have much more --

JIM FLORENTINE, COMEDIAN: I was going say exactly what she said.



FLORENTINE: I know, she did.

GUTFELD: I should have had you first.

FLORENTINE: Yes. Look, the libs always forget like she said Rod Rosenstein was part signed off on this, too. If there was anything damaging in there, you don't think he would have not signed off on that or said, "Hey, there's something in here. We've got the talk." Or to 17 people, the prosecutors that were chasing Trump and Mueller, you don't think they were to leak that to the "Washington Post," "Hey, there is something in here that is going to impeach him."

Obviously, there's nothing. You knew that two months in, there was nothing because they were to leak it you know, two years ago, to get Trump out of office. So it's been a whole sham the whole time. Look, when this thing gets released, they're going to find some little thing in there. You know, Don Jr. was in a strip club in December of 2016, he went in the VIP room with a Russian stripper. What did they say back there? What was the conversation? You've been in a VIP room with a Russian stripper before.

GUTFELD: No, I haven't.

FLORENTINE: We know the conversations.

GUTFELD: There was not a lot of talking.

FLORENTINE: No, which is just basically you're too pretty to be working here, what are you doing? That's all the talking.

GUTFELD: But they're often saying that to me. That's the weird thing. You're too pretty to be here. Kat, I never get tired of looking at Rachel Maddow. The flashbacks are great.

KATHERINE TIMPF, HOST, FOX NATION: Yes, and the weirder thing in looking at the flashbacks is looking at her now, she still won't let it go. So many people -- that sketch with Tom is not that far off -- so many people are. They still won't let it go. It's like, I know that this used to work for you, but it's over, like they're all acting like you know, the ex prom king who can't get over how cool he was in high school, like still trying to go to all the parties, still talking about that touchdown he made in like 96.

Like still trying to get girls to sleep with him by being like, "My parents are out of town" because he definitely still lives there. It's like, I get that it used to work, but now at this point, you look like a 45-year-old man walking around in a varsity letter jacket just -- that doesn't fit you and stop fitting you like 57 pounds ago.


TIMPF: So I think, you need to get it over with.

MURDOCH: I'm sorry. See if I ever talk to you after the show over my life.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus, wrap it up for us. Thoughts?

MURDOCH: Kat is mean, number one.


MURDOCH: I'm going to be honest, when the report came out, that was it for me. I went outside. I watched the NCAA tournament. I went to a basketball game. I bought my daughter a dog. I watched my son have a homerun. I live life. So maybe those guys should try that because it's over.


MURDOCH: It's over, so just move on. Move on guys. Move on.

GUTFELD: But they'll find something.

MURDOCH: We're not a -- oh no, because here's the deal, we've got six months in material, Johnson? What do we do? A lot of rewrites. [Bleep] run it. And that's what they're going to do. I mean, they've written this for four months. They will even have a conviction party even though he's not coming. Much like the prom king that was not me that you were talking about.

GUTFELD: I was never a prom king.

TIMPF: Never was I.

GUTFELD: I hate labels. What am I talking about?

MURDOCH: Yes, that's why you weren't.

GUTFELD: Still ahead, Jussie gets off and Chicago gets screwed. We discuss all of it next.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Did a Chicago ignoramus let him go because he's famous? The charges were dropped against "Empire" star Jussie Smollett even though the prosecutor in the case believed he was guilty. So did the cops and the mayor and hummingbirds and my toaster, but now no trial.

Charges dropped because a deal was made. It was made through the alternative prosecution's unit. Tell us, Kim Foxx, what is that?


KIM FOXX, STATE'S ATTORY, COOK COUNTY: The dropping of the charges in no way exonerates Mr. Smollett. He was afforded an opportunity that we have under our profs -- alternative prosecution's unit that in exchange for the community service and his bond forfeiture, the case would be dropped.


GUTFELD: So because Jussie stuffed envelopes for two days at Jesse Jackson's organization and forfeited the bond money, he is free to go and that's good enough for the prosecutors, but it's not good enough for the cops or Rahm Emanuel. He wants Jussie to cover cost of the investigation or the President, he wants the FBI to investigate.

Ever think you'd see Rahm and Trump agree on something? So Tyrus, my favorite part of all this is that Jussie is pissed off at the prosecutor's office for betraying him by talking about the deal. He's mad that they lied.


MURDOCH: Yes, he is mad that they lied. You know, there's a lesson here, kids. If you get away with something that you shouldn't, you don't step out the courthouse and go, "If I was my mother's son, I wouldn't be innocent." And talk trash.

And here's the other thing, genius, they didn't bring this up in acting school, you're not done.


MURDOCH: That little letter you made with Crayola in your left hand, the FBI -- Mr. President, the FBI is already on this. The FBI, the Post Office, they're going to be giving you a little call. So after you're done, you might be in a Federal penitentiary doing theater night, so it's not over. It's not over.

GUTFELD: Oh, that sounds like a nice plug for our next segment, anyway, you know, Kat, I think that Smollett may be getting worse punishment than he would have received if the case was handled normally because I think his career is dried up. Who is going hire him?

TIMPF: He's back on the show.



GUTFELD: I should have read that source packet.

TIMPF: Yes. No, he is not -- I think that he should be punished. I think it's ridiculous that he's not being punished. If you think about the things that other people go to jail for like there are people in jail right now because they had the wrong plant on them, I'm talking about weed.

There were actual victims to this crime, right? Like people who have actually faced real hate crimes, people who had to use their time and resources, law enforcement resources investigating this. All the resources that the taxpayers pay for by the way, oh and then the investigators weren't doing things like, I don't know, trying to solve one of the bajillion unsolved murders in Chicago. Murder is also bad and I believe you should get punished for it, I've always stood very strong on that.

MURDOCH: I've seen it.

GUTFELD: You still are.

TIMPF: And it's just -- it's absolutely ridiculous. I think that he should have faced something more and I think that, I would like to make sure I'm doing all that I can to make sure he suffers in the future.

GUTFELD: Wow. All right, so Jim --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Don't you wish that you had an alternative prosecution in your past?

FLORENTINE: Yes, that would be nice. You know, two weeks ago, I was talking to a friend. I predicted that he would not go to jail. My friend is like, he's definitely going to jail. I go, he's a gay black man in Hollywood. He's got everything handed to him. Someone is going to get him off, like I said and a month from now, he's going to say, "I've got some brain disorder." He's going to go into treatment for a month.


FLORENTINE: Someone is going to put him in a movie and he's going to be hosting the Oscars next year.

GUTFELD: You think so?

FLORENTINE: Yes, and everyone in Hollywood is going to -- it's stressing now that is Trump's involved. So now, Hollywood is going to be behind this guy, so they're going to put him in a movie. He is either going to be hosting or he is going to be presenting an award at the Oscars and Hollywood is going to give him a standing O next year.

GUTFELD: See, I think that he has pulled it a Tawana Brawley and you can't come back from this. I think he should leave -- Tawana Bradley actually left the country. She moved to Canada, I think. She changed her name and became a nurse. He has got to do that. He has got to like -- I don't see how he is going to get out of this.

MURDOCH: Sorry to cut you off for those who don't know who that is, he is basically in OJ world. Go ahead.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Thank you for that.


FLORENTINE: You don't think Spike Lee will hire him for a film or Jordan Hill.


GUTFELD: I don't think so. I think he's got the stench of hoax all over him, Emily. What about this like alternative prosecutions?

COMPAGNO: I have much to say about this, but I will be brief. There are --

GUTFELD: How legal of you.

COMPAGNO: Yes, there are obviously so many things wrong with this, but I think big picture that the Chicago Department of Law, which is basically the city's law firm is prosecuting him, but they are pretty much limited to misdemeanors, though you can go to jail for it.

And then like, like you guys pointed out, the FBI is investigating not only him for by my calculation, he's facing up to three charges and thirty to forty five years in prison for the million injurious article of hoax et cetera, and then they're also investigating the state's -- the Cook County State's Attorney Office.

I've never seen ever anything so animus between law enforcement and a prosecutorial arm that's going on in Chicago right now. So if like the aftermath -- basically this is the calm before the storm for Jussie, so he can go ahead be victorious all he wants, but it's about to get really real for him quite soon.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think it's going to get -- it's going to get crazy and --

COMPAGNO: And the same for the prosecutor, Kim Foxx.

GUTFELD: The least interesting thing about this story is Jussie Smollett. Everything else is crazy. He's just -- every time he talks, he bores the crap out of me. All right, coming up, the geopolitical ramifications of greenhouse gas emissions will not be on this show. We're going to talk about getting drunk and then shopping online. That's more my speed.

(Cheering and Applause)


LAUREN BLANCHARD, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I am Lauren Blanchard. Much of Venezuela is in the dark after another major blackout. While power is slowly returning to some areas, the situation remains bleak in poorer areas outside of Caracas. The country's economic crisis is fueling political chaos and violent protests. Venezuela is also feeling the strain of a U.S. ban on purchases of its oil. This blackout started on Friday. It is the third one this month.

More troubles for President Trump's pick for the Federal Reserve. "The Guardian" reports that Stephen Moore was found in contempt of court for failing to pay his ex-wife more than $300,000.00 in alimony, child support and other debts. Moore also reportedly owed $75,000.00 in unpaid Federal taxes. He is a former campaign adviser and one of the architects of the 2017 tax cuts. I am Lauren Blanchard, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: We barhop, then we drunk shop. A new study finds that Americans spent nearly $40 billion on spontaneous drunken purchases in the past year -- $40 billion. According to a finance website -- never heard of it -- drunk shopping is on pace to average about $736.00 per person in 2019. In 2018, it was $447.00 and it was half that in 2017. I guess that means, it's increasing by the little chart. It's a cute chart.

Drunk shoppers breakdown to 56 percent men, 44 percent women. Millennials spend over a thousand drunk bucks a year more than twice as much as boomers and Gen Xers and the most common drunk purchases -- food, shoes clothes, guns -- no, it's cigarettes actually.

So we've got a whole new consumer group that drinks at home and buys stuff. Maybe there should be a drunk shopping channel.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Welcome to the Drunk Shopping Channel. We've got your best friend's bike. We stole it.

Lots of products and amateur ducks and food. A cup of peanut butter on an oven mitt. Milk, ham. Meat floating in milk. Yum.

Real Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

All sales are [bleep], Todd. You're not my real dad. Our next item is Bing bong, Bing bong. Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong. Sheriff's Department. Sheriff's Department over the [bleep] door.

Bing bong. Buy one cactus, get a sponge for free. Buy three keychains get $7,000.00 cash set on fire and sent to hell. Plus half cars, full price. Full cars, half price. Trade for wood and trees.

Great on gas. What up, Steve? I've got your lamp. [Bleep] you, Steve. Oh my god, I'm going to throw up. I am going to --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Drunk Shopping Channel. You won't remember this.


(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, should I have misgivings about that?

TIMPF: Are you sure this wasn't like the LSD Shopping Network because I don't think alcohol does that.

GUTFELD: What you're trying to do is match the drunken mentality with the drunken urges to purchase, that's what I was trying to. If you drank, you'd do this all the time, don't you?

TIMPF: I have a little scratching post, actually a giant scratching post for my cat that looks like a DJ turntable. I have a piece of art that is a tiger head with a woman's body in her underwear smoking a cigarette.


TIMPF: I have a t-shirt with a picture of Lindsay Lohan on it that says "Leave Lindsay a-Lohan." And I purchased all of these while I was stone- cold sober.

GUTFELD: Oh my god.

TIMPF: So I don't have a drinking and shopping problem. I have a problem -- I have a problem.


GUTFELD: I always feel like every show for you is an intervention.

TIMPF: I get paid rather than paying to go to therapy.

GUTFELD: There you go. Jim, do you do any of this? You don't drink anymore anyway.

FLORENTINE: No, I drink, but I work nights so I don't really come home at two in the morning loaded and try to order some Nike sneakers.


FLORENTINE: Yes, but I'm a single guy, so you know if I go to a bar and I buy a girl a drink, that's drunk shopping.


FLORENTINE: I mean, the problem -- I can't take it. I can't get my money back if it's defective, though.

GUTFELD: You were a font of wisdom. Emily, what about you? You don't drink do you?

COMPAGNO: I've been known to imbibe. My problem is that when I -- well, I get extra generous, until then, I like cover the whole tab which is fine and I mean, it's always good, but --

TIMPF: Gee, sorry I said, thank you.

COMPAGNO: I just realized I just said like --

MURDOCH: Yes, she did bring that up, didn't she?


MURDOCH: One hundred percent.

TIMPF: I hear you, I hear you.

MURDOCH: I should argue, but no, "Tyrus, let me do this. Let me do this."

TIMPF: I hear you.

MURDOCH: "Let me do this. I need to do this." And then as soon as we left, "I can't believe they made me pay."

TIMPF: I know.


TIMPF: At least, she said it to our faces finally.

GUTFELD: I am glad she waited until television to tell the story.

MURDOCH: Yes, hundred percent.

GUTFELD: But you know what, so Tyrus, I have a great idea. Should companies have a drunk insurance box? You can click for like an extra five bucks so that allows you to cancel the purchase when you're sober, but let's say you buy a bicycle, but it says -- like it's like travel insurance.

MURDOCH: No, because -- listen, I am a big part of that percentage, especially when I was on the road in the WWE. I bought more sets of Ginsu knives. I adopted -- I adopted more children in Bangladesh, those ASPCA things. I donated all that and then I would play games like, "Hey, guys let's buy our carts at Amazon." So I would do lots of shopping, and I bought crazy things.

I once battled with John Cena to see who could buy the most swords on late- night TV, so yes, I've done this a lot and we should have to suffer for our purchases. I have a whole storage facility of He-Man and Godzilla's because I bought all the toys I didn't get when I was a kid. Yager.

GUTFELD: I would say this, on the whole, there are worse things you can do when you're drunk, so if you're drunk shopping, maybe that's good because you know, they're just --

TIMPF: Like what, Greg?

COMPAGNO: But at least you're driving. Yes, exactly.

GUTFELD: Thank you, Emily. Thank you for that. There you go, Kat.

TIMPF: Driving, okay.

GUTFELD: Procreating. Wait, without booze there would be no procreating.


GUTFELD: That's when you forget the stuff.

MURDOCH: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: All right, I don't even know what I'm saying. Up next, how one high school created the greatest high school play of all time.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Finally a high school play that's kind of okay. Students in North Bergen, New Jersey -- aren't they all -- are getting rave reviews for their production of "Alien." Yes, "Alien," as in the movie "Alien" with the special effects in Ripley and all of that. Check out their alien. Wow. Anyway, the kids and the staff spent a year building the sets and the props and the costumes and the special effects. They recycled a lot of this stuff, so they only spent thirty five hundred bucks and the videos of the play got passed around.

People were impressed. This is really good for a play, I'm thinking. Word got to the "Alien" film director, Ridley Scott and he gave the kids props - - I am not sure what props means -- anyway, so did Sigourney Weaver -- I'm joking, I know what proms means.

So I say good job kids. I know how hard you worked, but at my high school, we put on plays of difficult movies all the time. I was actually the stage designer. Here is my high school's version of "The Poseidon Adventure."


GUTFELD: Good graduating class there. You had Shelley Winners, Jack Albertson, Red Buttons, Pamela Sue Martin -- anyway, actually this is my high school version of "330."


GUTFELD: I tell you, our class was in great shape.


GUTFELD: And this was one of our best plays. We did "The Exorcist."


GUTFELD: That was actually me playing the vomit.


GUTFELD: Jim, you are kind of a performer. I love this because in high school, they always picked lousy plays like they always, always liked "Pippin" or "Our Town" or "Fiddler on the Roof." Stuff that like we all -- like oh, so bad. So bad, Jim.

FLORENTINE: Yes, well I live in that town in that -- so I live in that district.

GUTFELD: North Bergen?

FLORENTINE: Yes, that's where all of the tax money is going.


FLORENTINE: Thirty five hundred dollars for that.

GUTFELD: What play would you like to see? What movie would you like to see high schoolers do?

FLORENTINE: The Motley Crew Dirt movie.


FLORENTINE: I guess, it's going on in Netflix. Yes, that would be great.

GUTFELD: I heard that was quite entertaining.


GUTFELD: Yes, it was. What about you, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Actually, I'm with you. I think this is great. I did theater along with football in high school and we did like Neil Simon plays.

GUTFELD: Yes, "The Odd Couple."

MURDOCH: And "A Trip to New York," and stuff like that. Yes, we'd be a great odd couple, but couple as in like two dudes who have women that live together for a while, so just chill out everybody.


GUTFELD: I didn't see it that way.

MURDOCH: I think it's cool.

GUTFELD: I didn't see it that way at all. I thought it was two guys hanging out --

MURDOCH: Stop, no.


MURDOCH: Forget it. We'll do Laurel and Hardy.

GUTFELD: Okay, Laurel and Hardy, yes.

MURDOCH: Next year at Halloween, we will do Lauren and Hardy.

GUTFELD: Oh, fantastic. Who are they? Are they neighbors?

MURDOCH: Okay, the point is, good job kids. I think it's cool, but it also breaks my heart to wear like stuff I saw as a kid is now so old and classic that it's, "Hey, let's do an old-school movie. What do you want to do?" "Aliens."


MURDOCH: Okay, well there you have it, I'm old.


COMPAGNO: I was always a dancer and so my dream play would be "Burlesque." Or some kind of musical theater with like tons of feathers and sequins and like I forced my husband into a Halloween costume that I made that I designed based off of like a ballet Raven literally like sequins and glitter. It was amazing.

GUTFELD: Still married?

COMPAGNO: So amazing. Yes.


MURDOCH: She has the photos, Greg. Evidently.

GUTFELD: He is trapped. She can post those.

MURDOCH: She's an attorney with damaging photos.

GUTFELD: I can see you doing "Fame."

COMPAGNO: Yes, yes, that's like my dream.

GUTFELD: Is that your dream?


GUTFELD: I believe you.

COMPAGNO: I love "Fame," "Flashdance." All of it. Yes. North Bergen, please do that next season, so I can come.

GUTFELD: Kat, I imagine you have some great ideas for movies that should be done.

MURDOCH: "Shipwreck."

TIMPF: You know what, Greg I hate this story.

MURDOCH: "Happy Gilmore."

TIMPF: I hate this story, Greg, because I'm not allowed to actually have an opinion because it's kids, right, so I just have to say that they all did a wonderful job just as it was and yes, I am just so proud of all the stars that you are kids. You are all stars.

I don't -- I don't know what they actually did. I didn't read the article. I just saw that it was kids. They could have just been eating mayonnaise packets until they threw up on stage for all I know. I don't know because I don't want to waste my time reading it if I know my opinion has to be the same.

So again, I just would like to say, I am so inspired. I've been moved in my mind and in my heart and the soul that I didn't know I had because of you bright shining stars who are all going to certainly run the world one day. So chase your dreams, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant children. There, now I won't get cancelled.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: No, you know what? It is sad, but true. Every time there's a one more thing on "The Five," and I'm sitting there and it involves kids, I have all these jokes and you're just sitting there, but you go like, "Nope, if I make that joke, I'm fired. If I make that joke I'm fired." And you just have to sit there and go, "Isn't that great what those kids are doing. It's so great." I'm glad you said that, Kat.

TIMPF: But again, stars.

GUTFELD: All right, coming up, the greatest and worst video of all time. Well maybe second. Nothing will beat that weekend at Dobb's yacht.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: They thought it'd be keen talking like a teen, it was state testing week for students of Toledo Public Schools. They have them there, Emily, and as if the kids didn't have enough stress, enough anxiety, enough weight on their shoulders, they had to get this from their local newscasters.


MELISSA ANDREWS, HOST, WTOL: Good morning TPS students, it is testing week and it's time to slay all day.

TIM MILLER, HOST, WTOL: Yeet. Stay woke beyond fleek and get that Gucci breakfast.

ANDREWS: Goals, say bye Felicia to that testing stress. Weather's going to be turnt, right, Chris?

CHRIS VICKERS, METEOROLOGIST, WTOL: Yaas, Toledo weather going to be real v. lit during testing week. A hundo p chance of success. You've got this kids. Steve how about that traffic? Are we looking okurr?

STEVEN JACKSON, TRAFFIC REPORTER, WTOL: Better than okurr. We're talking turnt. FOMO won't be an issue. No traffic problems around any TPS schools to keep you from taking those tests.

MILLER: So get a good night sleep. Do your best, in fact, be extra, extra.


GUTFELD: Well, the good news is, all of them were immediately fired after doing that. No, they weren't, but it's going to give me nightmares. Let's play it again, come on. Yes.


VICKERS: Yaas, Toledo weather going to be real v. lit during testing week. A hundo p chance of success.



GUTFELD: All right, I would read the rest of this, but I am disgusted. All right, Emily, you're kind of a -- you're like a drama person trapped in a lawyer's body. Do you ever yearn to do something like that?

COMPAGNO: No, that was terrible. That was -- it's really hard to listen to, but I did cheer in the NFL, so I I did live out my dream of dancing professionally kind of.

GUTFELD: You were an NFL cheerleader for the Oakland Raiders.

COMPAGNO: Yes, I was.

GUTFELD: That's right. For how?

COMPAGNO: Three years.

GUTFELD: Wow. Fantastic.

COMPAGNO: So I mean, but obviously --

GUTFELD: I bet you have a lot of good stories because they're based on pirates, you know?

COMPAGNO: Yes, all the stories were about pirates, yes. All my stories are.

GUTFELD: Jim, how did that video make you feel?

FLORENTINE: That's one of my pet peeves. Adults talking like teenagers with LOLs and OMGs. I was texting my friend the other day said, we had a great time last night and she just wrote back, ROFL. He wasn't rolling on the floor laughing. He wasn't in the supermarket, read my text and was rolling all over the floor and people were like, "What's going on?" "Look at my friend's text." It drives me nuts when adults try to act like they're teenagers.

GUTFELD: We are destroying the language. It is true though, Kat, they were -- were they trying to be cool or were they trying to have fun pretending to be cool?

TIMPF: Look, I don't know. On the one hand, everyone wants to laugh at this and make fun of it, but I actually find it to be the most painfully sad thing that I have ever seen because this means that all of those people now know that everyone they work for hates them.


TIMPF: They are trying to destroy them because if even one person at their work cared about them, they would not let them do this this.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TIMPF: This was most painful thing I have ever had to listen to and I once had to listen to an ex-boyfriend break up with me in front of my father.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Yes. I asked him, it's true -- we were at the beach. I would rather have -- it was bad. I was not happy.

FLORENTINE: What did your father say?

TIMPF: It wasn't the best date -- you know, we can talk about this in the green room, it's a true story.


GUTFELD: No, I want to know about it. So how did this happen? You were at the beach with your boyfriend.

MURDOCH: Okay, you can have my time, please.

TIMPF: My dad went to go get more drinks and he broke up with me while my dad was getting more margaritas and he came back and I was just sitting there crying.

MURDOCH: Margaritaville was --

GUTFELD: What beach?

TIMPF: We were at Coney Island's just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it just did.


TIMPF: Yes, just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it just did, so - - and then he hung out with us the whole rest of the day and he came back with us on the train and you don't know how -- it was the weirdest family outing ever, but anyway, this video was terrible. I'd rather they just stood up there and personally insulted me and my family than to do what they did there.

And if he's watching, I'm over it.


GUTFELD: Tyrus, is she over it?

MURDOCH: Yes, she is. Was there any pictures or selfies?

TIMPF: No, but I did buy a sweatshirt because I was cold and every time I wear that sweatshirt, I still think of the sadness. I don't know why I don't just throw it away, maybe I like being sad, maybe I should talk to somebody about that. What do you think?

MURDOCH: Yes, you should, just not me. Not me.

TIMPF: I knew that was coming, but it doesn't mean I am going to stop.

MURDOCH: No, that's great.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, last word to you.

MURDOCH: Don't break up with your girl at Coney Island when her daddy gets drinks. That's beyond messed up and the school system sucks, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, it does.

MURDOCH: If you're teaching somebody -- if your only way to get kids to take a test is teaching them bad grammar words, you're a bad school. And extra, extra smart ass on the thing is a bad thing. This is, "Hey, girl you'd be an extra. You'd be an extra, extra," means you're doing too much and he's like, "Be extra, extra." So at least research your slang if you want to get it right, damn.

TIMPF: I would just like to add that that this was a first-degree breakup. He came to Coney Island knowing. He came to Coney Island knowing he was going to break up with me.

MURDOCH: Pre-meditated break up, Greg. Pre-medidated.

TIMPF: It's not like I did something while my dad was getting drinks that made me -- he came and dumped me.

MURDOCH: This guy just showed up for the drinks. He came for the drinks.

FLORENTINE: Right, it's like I am going to get some margaritas out of this ...

MURDOCH: Because nobody turns down a margarita in Coney Island.

FLORENTINE: It's a lady drink. Nobody.

MURDOCH: Even if you've got to dump your girl.

FLORENTINE: Absolutely. Wait, wait. Was there an uncomfortable sip? Did you like lean over and like, "This is -- margaritas is great. I'm so committed to this margarita."

TIMPF: It's like a suit of my -- our drinks were done. My dad went to get the second round and then he just broke up with me and my dad came back to [bleep] storm.

MURDOCH: Hold on, Greg, pay attention. This is important. This is breaking news.

GUTFELD: I know, I'm just realizing that this never happens ...

MURDOCH: We don't need "Final Thoughts."

GUTFELD: ... on "Special Report."


GUTFELD: Mollie Hemingway doesn't tell these stories.


MURDOCH: Did he go on rides, too? Tell me if this [bleep] did not go on rides.

TIMPF: He sat next to me on the Ferris wheel afterwards.

MURDOCH: Come on. Oh ...

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, I think we've got -- we've got to go.

MURDOCH: I want to throw up.

FLORENTINE: He needed some alcohol.


FLORENTINE: He needed some alcohol for him to break up with you. He didn't want to do it sober.

TIMPF: He admitted he was going to break up with me.

MURDOCH: I want his name. Tell the world his name. Shame this man, this animal.

GUTFELD: "The Gutfeld Monologues" returns next weekend. Get your tickets now. Next show April 6th in D.C. They're running out; then Detroit, Sunday April 7th; and in May, Oklahoma and Texas. Go to for ticket information.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Emily Compagno, Jim Florentine, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. Studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America. Great show.

(Cheering and Applause)

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