This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 31, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, yesterday we reported that Spain may indict six members of the Bush administration on human rights violations, alleged, of course. Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in the group.
Well, that caught the eye of one Dennis Miller, who joins us now from Los Angeles. Dennis has a new DVD, which we'll talk about later.
All right. Spain. We haven't called for a boycott yet. If they continue to push this along, we might. What say you?
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, first off, the article I read about it appeared in the New York Times. So, that being said, I'm not even sure there is a country named Spain. But going under the supposition that there is, I find it funny that they subpoenaed — they're thinking of subpoenaing Alberto Gonzales as if they have some propriety sense over here.
I think they're also going after Benicio Del Toro and Cheech Marin, and I think they're going after Quick Draw McGraw's doppelganger, El Kabong. And the fact is, none of these guys are going to go down there, because if that was any more of a kangaroo court the judge would have a pouch. The only way it could be worse for Alberto Gonzales if he was subpoenaed to the Ninth Circuit Court of appeals in San Francisco.
O'REILLY: that would be worse.
MILLER: Which might be a little more rigged.
O'REILLY: But look, I take this personally. You know, if a country like Spain, supposed to be a NATO ally of ours. And Zapatero, the prime minister socialist, look, there's nothing to be gained from this. They just want to make America look bad. And the worse thing about it, Miller, is they take the focus off the true evil al Qaeda and the terrorists. That gets me really angry.
MILLER: Well, listen, after the Madrid train station bombing, these guys folded like a ball is balsa wood beach chair and a cap five. And Zapatero, the only reason I'd go to him is if we are out of Tabasco. Why don't we start subpoenaing people involved in the inquisition or bull fights. That would make about as much sense.
O'REILLY: OK. Now, on the same plane, the press picked up an interview I did with a Hollywood reporter where they asked me, look, do any of these Hollywood pinheads bother you? And I said, the only guy that really bothers me is Sean Penn, because he comes down and does kissy face with the tyrants. And because he does that, I'm personally offended. And I'm not going to pay 10 bucks to see the guy in the movies. Personal choice, not saying anybody do that. I acknowledge his brilliance as an actor. But enough is enough with this guy for me. Am I wrong, Miller?
MILLER: First off, I'm glad you're boycotting some films because I always get stuck behind the 6'6" guy. So thank you for getting it on the DVD at home.
Now, I'm not going to boycott his films. Although there is a few of them I don't see. I wish I hadn't seen the one where he played the Broderick Crawford player in the remake. That disappointed me. But there's some things he's great in, so I don't boycott the films.
But I will say this: I boycott every single moment of Sean Penn's private life. Because I have read some of these discursive missives that the boy fires off, and they read like Gary Busey's largendoodles (ph), OK? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
O'REILLY: They're not coherent. Right.
MILLER: They're not. And when he goes down and meets with Cesar Chavez, Bill, here's the deal. You're talking about a man who ostensibly paints himself as a champion of the proletariat, who in the next breath, tells you he wants to be president for life. That is not conducive to the good being of the proletariat.
And if I point that out to Sean Penn and say, listen, I know you fancy yourself a working-class hero. Why are you in bed with this "Soprano" extra? I'm the weird guy? The stance he's taking is odd. I just don't get it.
Listen, I don't get some of his politics but he doesn't get mine. The thing with Chavez just doesn't make sense to me. Chavez and Castro are pigs. And when Hollywood wants to get in bed with them, I don't understand it.
O'REILLY: No, I don't either. And you said Cesar Chavez. It's Hugo Chavez.
MILLER: I'm sorry. That's OK.
O'REILLY: That's OK. But look, the bottom line is Penn wins an Academy Award for "Milk," celebrating Harvey Milk, a gay guy in San Francisco. And who is the — who's terrorizing the gays in Venezuela? Hugo Chavez. Hello there, Sean, baby. You know? It's all about not liking America for Penn. That's all it's about. Go ahead.
MILLER: Well, I think Hugo Chavez does treat homosexuals like they've got horns and a tail.
O'REILLY: Yes, he does.
MILLER: That's enough of a reason.
O'REILLY: Jews, too.
MILLER: Listen, I could care less about Sean's politics. I love his work. If I want to know about his politics, I won't ask him. All I know is they better take care of that "Three Stooges" project. I see where Benicio Del Toro, Sean, and Jim Carrey are playing Curly, Larry, and Moe. But the weirdest thing to me is they're bringing in Reese Witherspoon to play Shemp. I don't see it. I'll roll with it, but I don't see it.
O'REILLY: I don't think Reese is going to take the part.
All right. Now, last week when we had you on the program, we talked about PETA telling kids not to go to the circus because they treat the elephants mean. Now in Massachusetts, as part of the wellness policy of a high school, they are saying, "We can't have ice cream socials anymore." No more ice cream for the kids at the high school. What say you?
MILLER: I say we're starting to treat these kids, they make Blanche Dubois look like Bronco Nagurski. We're treating them like Faberge eggs, for God's sakes. And this is a classic case of lactose intolerant intolerance right here.
Let's face facts. This is beyond the nanny state now. If your nanny got this creepily intrusive with your kid, you would fire the nanny. We're at the point now where we want to sit on the side of the nest and just chew their food and regurgitate it down their beak, for God's sakes. They want to do away with dodge ball. Dodge ball. Isn't life...
MILLER: Isn't life pretty much one big protracted 75-year episode of getting hit in the groin with one thing or another and getting up and getting on with it, for God's sake? We do these kids a disservice when we protect them so much.
O'REILLY: But here's what you're missing. You're missing the wellness policy, Miller. You must have a wellness policy in school.
MILLER: Well, listen: You can treat a kid like he should be completely germ-free, and he's going to end up in a plastic bubble. Part of wellness is mental wellness. And the world operates on some highs, some lows, some things that are good for you. You have to learn what's good for you, what's bad for you. If you want a little bit of what's bad for you, i.e. ice cream with Hershey's sauce, it's not that bad for you, for God's sakes. We have to teach them perspective. That's what's lost here.
O'REILLY: All right. And while we're on perspective, the king of perspective — and I know you agree with me — is Glenn Beck.
MILLER: Listen, I saw Beck...
O'REILLY: I've got to set him up. Now, Beck on Friday...
MILLER: All right.
O'REILLY: ... paid homage — French word — to you. Roll the tape.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GLENN BECK, FOX NEWS HOST: Dennis, I wrote something for you. This is more along the lines for you. I mean, I'm a walking comedy machine. You can make fun of me all day.
O'REILLY: That's all right.
BECK: That's beneath you Dennis. Here it is.
Does Beck have hair or not? It looks like his hair and scalp are in a battle as intense as if General Laurent Nkunda and Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda had boots next to each other in a B.R. Congo gun show.
That's what I expect from Dennis Miller.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: What say you, Miller? Twenty seconds.
MILLER: I'm flattered. Listen, I don't have a sincere ax to grind with Glenn Beck. I just saw that thing he did on YouTube when he survived the hemorrhoid surgery and said he almost died with the camcorder on. I thought that was a little weird.
But he grows on you. He's got a good heart. When he said he was down there doing the Children's Miracle Network, that tells me all I need to know about him.
O'REILLY: He is a good guy.
MILLER: I'm going to disparage him now with his ratings? Ailes will whack me.
O'REILLY: That's right. You've got to tread soft. Now, here is Miller's DVD, the HBO specials, 30 bucks. I don't have 30 bucks right now, Miller. Can I — can I rent this and just, like, send you 10?
MILLER: Really? They are seven one-hour specials on there. That's - - I bled seven specials out for you. That's a lot of my life.
O'REILLY: Well worth it. Dennis Miller, the HBO...
MILLER: I know it's not a "Factor" welcome mat, but I bled for that thing, my friend.
O'REILLY: I want everybody to know about it and pick it up.
Miller, everybody, and because we did Miller's segment early this week, Tuesday instead of Wednesday, tomorrow we'll have the best of Dennis Miller, the 2009 edition. So a double dose of Dennis Miller this week.
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