This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," December 22, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSCNBC: You know, I come to Washington for two days and look what happens. I feel like I have to get out of here before the earth cracks open and swallows this place whole. Was it me yes?
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Yes, it was you. It's time for another week of ...
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: As the world explodes.
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GUTFELD: Yes, Mattis quits and the media [bleep]. Now, if they bleep that, it actually rhymes with quit, I believe it [bleep]. Check out these Chicken Littles.
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DON LEMON, ANCHOR, CNN: I'm actually scared at this point. If you are worried tonight, you should be. A political earthquake is rolling through Washington as the Trump administration sinks further into chaos.
JAMES CLAPPER, NATIONAL SECURITY ANALYST, CNN: I got an e-mail from somebody earlier this evening saying this makes me very nervous just tell me something that will make me calm and I said I don't think I can.
CHRIS CUOMO, ANCHOR, CNN: Today, scary day for you.
MADDOW: Today has just been a cascade of what would be generally seen as absolutely apocalyptic news.
JOHN BERMAN, HOST, CNN: America is less safe this morning.
MICHAEL MOORE, FILM MAKER: I think maybe this is the first time I've actually been frightened for the country.
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GUTFELD: It's like they're free basing fear. Conniptions are there crack cocaine. It's the first time I've been frightened in two years says Michael Moore. Clearly, he hasn't checked his cholesterol. And what of CNN? I fear their next step will be reporting the news from underneath their desks. I don't remember this reaction when Obama went through three Secretary of Defense's each with shorter runs. Here's a thought. Could it be Mattis did the job Trump asked him to do and now that it's done Trump wanted a new guy to do a new thing?
Mattis kind of said that thing in his lair he said that under Trump, Mattis says the Defense Department improved, our force's readiness and lethality, boosting capabilities and global influence. I guess the press missed that.
Even more, the script has flipped. You've got lefties praising Trump over Syria and righties screaming their bloody heads off, but this is what happens when you have a President with a vision untethered to ideology. The House passed a bill to fund the wall which upsets one side, Trump pulls out of Syria which pisses off the other, he passes criminal justice reform which no side could do before. It seems like the alarm is more emotional than factual. It's about Trump, not the actions themselves.
So should you be worried that Trump wants to leave Syria? Well, consider who Trump is. He wanted to kill terrorists and their families; yes, their families. That's going the extra-mile. So I think it would be out of character for him to put America in harm's way. I wonder what Mike Pence thinks.
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PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Thank you very much.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Thank you so much, I appreciate the opportunity.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Did I leave the oven on? Of course not, I'd never do that, I'm Mike Pence. Mike Pence doesn't leave the oven on.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: ... recognizing that, there had to be ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That would be a campaign slogan: Vote for me, I don't leave the oven on. Wait, that's stupid. Why do people always think they left the oven on? It's the first thing you do when you take the food out. How hard is that to remember?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: ... criminal justice reform to ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Take food out. Food takeout. Never understood that. Why not just eat at the restaurant? It's so much better and the food never gets cold.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: ... and then we have to have someone ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's been cold all this week especially after the heater broke. I had to use the oven to help heat the house.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: ... process ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh [bleep], oh I just remembered, I left the oven on.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: ... services, and we know that ...
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GUTFELD: You know, it really is - it really is alarming how alarming everything is. Now, how did this happen? Well, it's the new business model, folks. There used to be a network devoted to livestock auctions. Now, there are cable networks devoted to hysteria. I've heard people have a hard time working at CNN and MSNBC due to the smell of burning hair.
Trump is right about the media. He is the product and because Trump's actually gotten stuff done, the media must focus on what he's not done yet, so in two years, he rewrote NAFTA, passed a tax cut, deregulated like a madman, created record unemployment for minorities, women and the youth, meted income and real wage compensation jump, four million people left food stamps, investments returned to America as consumer confidence rose, but, but, but what about the staff changes?
Please, that's like shouting at Santa after he bought you a car, but forgot the air freshener. Look at prison reform, a big humanitarian story the press largely ignored because it was Trump, then there's gun control. Trump banned bump stocks. Remember when the media was screaming for that? Now, hardly a peep. Right, Mike Pence?
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I wish I had some candy. I love peppermint bark. How come they only make it at Christmastime? That's not fair. Sometimes I want peppermint bark in the summertime. Peppermint bark and lemonade. That sounds exciting. I'd like to try that. Bark. I like dogs. Do Australian Shepherds bark with an Australian accent? That would be so cool.
Okay, I'm going to wrap this up and get some bark.
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GUTFELD: So as we head into Christmas week, we got a lot of presents from Santa Trump and a lot of ungrateful kids receiving them. This is a peaceful and prosperous time, but the problem with good times, they allow for idle minds that obsess over crap like porn stars and real estate, stuff you can't do in times of actual hardship.
But when things are good, it's hard on a media when their business model is so very bad, so they find the problem it wants and find sources to support it. Meanwhile, the world rolls merrily on at least for now, right Mike Pence?
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TRUMP: ... to speak on behalf of the American people ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I thought we were all supposed to wear red ties. Greg Gutfeld told me they were going to wear red ...
TRUMP: ... administration had already taken very ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I hate Greg Gutfeld. I'm sure he got me good ...
TRUMP: ... tide of optimism was already sweet ...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Me in my red tie, red it's my favorite Lifesaver. Then the orange ones. I don't like green Lifesavers. I also don't like Greg Gutfeld.
TRUMP: ... all Americans.
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GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. In a couple of days, Santa will stop asking her to make toys. My co-host on "The Five" and anchor of "The Daily Briefing," Dana Perino. He's my second favorite Adam after that naked dude in the Bible writer and comedian Adam Yenser. Her favorite Christmas movie is "Old Yeller," "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf. He flosses with power lines, former WWE Superstar and massive sidekick, host of "Un-PC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.
All right, so Dana, you know what it is? At times - I'm watching the news and I do get upset about what's going on, but then I realized, as it gets ramped up. I feel like I'm watching on a cracked funhouse mirror and that all of my concerns go away. I can't take it seriously because I think these people have lost it. So there might be a concern there, but then I don't believe it anymore.
DANA PERINO, HOST: Well, I think one of the things I think is a good mantra for people is if - even this is true under Obama, when people are upset about Obama, like how has your day-to-day life changed?
PERINO: Right, like what is like - if you have anxiety about any sort of thing that's happening in leadership because you're watching too much television and on Twitter too much, ask yourself how has my day-to-day life changed? Maybe it's a little better myself, but is there really something that is bothering you? Probably not.
GUTFELD: Yes, or whatever is bothering you, you really can't talk about it.
PERINO: also I hate green Lifesavers, too.
GUTFELD: Yes, is that weird?
PERINO: They are terrible.
GUTFELD: What is that flavor supposed to be?
PERINO: It's lime. It's supposed to be lime, but it's like really not.
GUTFELD: That's terrible. Maybe it should be something else. It should be like --
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Green apple.
GUTFELD: Green apple. Very good. Like those - what are those sticks? The flat sticks?
PERINO: Yes, those are - she has no idea what those are.
GUTFELD: Yes, you were born in like 1990. Adam, let me ask you about this hysteria. Do you think it's gotten worse? I mean, we were pretty - I would say I knew a lot of people who were pretty hysterical about Obama, right, we remember that, but it seems like it's gone off the rails.
ADAM YENSER, WRITER AND COMEDIAN: Well, yes, it's off the rails in that they act late like Don Lemon on there like there's some - he's suddenly sad. He's just been sad every day for two years. It's like CNN is on repeat. They could literally show that same tape for the day's Trump news each day and that's the same reaction from all of them.
GUTFELD: I would say CNN is the boy who cried wolf, but I might say it's the wolf who cried wolf. That was really bad. Because you know, they have Wolf Blitzer there.
PERINO: I liked it.
GUTFELD: That was a courtesy laugh on Dana's part.
PERINO: No, that was a real one.
GUTFELD: No, I know when you fake laugh, Dana. I've been sitting next to you for years, I know when it's not real.
PERINO: I don't fake laugh. I would never ever do that to you.
GUTFELD: All right, Kat.
TIMPF: Yes, Greg.
GUTFELD: Kat, what are your thoughts about this week about the media? About life in general?
TIMPF: Honestly, this was my favorite Trump week ever. Yes. We're pulling out of Syria, awesome.
TIMPF: Maybe he be dragged down troops in Afghanistan, awesome. Criminal justice reform, awesome and I saw a lot of Democrats actually criticizing the First-step Act saying that doesn't go far enough. I don't think it goes far enough either, but that doesn't mean you don't fully support it anyway.
TIMPF: It's like when you order a sandwich, and you ask --
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST: You have my attention.
TIMPF: And you ask for tomato on the sandwich.
TIMPF: And then they deliver it and there's no tomato, you still eat the sandwich.
GUTFELD: That's true.
TIMPF: It's still a sandwich, I need to go talk to some of these Democrats in Congress and tell them about my sandwich method.
GUTFELD: You know, I still call, if there's no tomato, I still call.
TIMPF: I definitely complain, but you still eat the sandwich and the bill is the sandwich - you see what I'm doing there.
GUTFELD: You know what I do is I eat the sandwich, then I can complain, so I don't pay for the sandwich and I get a free sandwich. Sometimes, I'll order something that I know they'll forget. Isn't that terrible, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: That's rotten and by the way the hell with all of you, I love the green. If they had a bag of the green Lifesavers, I'd be a happy, chunky, buff dude just you know ...
GUTFELD: You know, there is a Jolly Green Giant involved in that joke.
MURDOCH: Yes, there is. Watch the giant talk, bro. You know, you don't even have to ask me a question about this because I've been thinking a lot about that. I've learned a lot this week and I've learned you know what, Don Lemon gets a bad rap in this show. He's taught me something.
GUTFELD: What? Yes, that.
MURDOCH: He's taught me to pause.
GUTFELD: It's true. Exactly.
MURDOCH: I can do that to anyone to make it uncomfortable. Nice pants. Back to you. I love it.
GUTFELD: It is true.
MURDOCH: I love the pause.
GUTFELD: Yes, nobody likes pausing on TV. You always have to keep talking --
MURDOCH: Because you don't know how to end the pause. It's like, earlier when you made that bad wolf joke.
MURDOCH: You didn't know how to end it, so you tried to talk about it, so there is no effect.
PERINO: And then he tried to make it about me.
MURDOCH: Yes, and then he tried to pass to you. We want them to bring it to the dinner table. We've been at the dinner table, where like you think the whole family is with you when you say something about your uncle and everyone's like, "Why would you do that?" So I got cancer, you know what I am saying? That's all we have and you try to put it on Dana.
GUTFELD: I didn't try to put it on Dana.
MURDOCH: You did, we have the footage.
GUTFELD: No, we're not. We are editing all of that out.
MURDOCH: There's a hundred witnesses in here.
GUTFELD: We are all editing that out. Everything, anyway I'm going to tease now because I've had it with this segment.
MURDOCH: Pause first.
GUTFELD: Oh, we have something so good coming up, so good it's going to blow your mind across the floor, your brain will splatter and we'll have to get somebody to clean it up. But before we go to break, "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" is coming to Florida, not one but two shows March 2nd in Tampa, March 3rd in West Palm Beach.
Special guest, Tom Shillue. Tickets for both shows are on sale now. They make the perfect Christmas present. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket information. But coming up, does old Saint Nick need a new shtick. A look at what modern Santa would look like next.
Gingerbread man is now gingerbread band. Scotland's Parliament has removed the phrase gingerbread man from the coffee shop in its building and it said will be selling the holiday cookies as gingerbread people, so as not to appear sexist. In other news, Scotland has a Parliament. But that's not the only holiday crap that makes us want to puke.
A survey conducted by Graphic Springs, a design company shows people would prefer to modernize Santa by ditching the big red suit for skinny jeans, the reindeer would be replaced by a flying car and giving the guy a few tattoos and an iPhone. Great, so we emasculate gingerbread man. We ban holiday songs because they're sexist and we want Santa to look like a member of Maroon 5. So if that's what those people want, fine. Here's your PC Santa.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What the hell are you doing? This is a living thing you murderer. It came from Mother Earth, organic and pure from the divine soil of our planet.
TIMPF: The Christmas tree.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Holiday tree. Don't you care about deforestation? You're contributing to a global epidemic.
TIMPF: But it's a tradition.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tradition has been used to embroil hatred and justify oppression of minority groups, not to mention the unregulated growth of global corporations.
TIMPF: Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm taking this.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Honey, it's beautiful.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Absolutely not. This kind of elitist gift-giving is a hallmark of the bourgeois.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What are you doing?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm going to redistribute this.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You ruined it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well now we can all enjoy the necklace.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What the hell is this, huh?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, hey Santa. A little something from the kids,.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Call me Kris, all right, with a K. Seriously, cookies. I'm gluten-free, Brent. Don't you know anything about the sugar industry in this country? They've manipulated studies and politicians for years to cover up for their poisonous products, not to mention their role in the obesity epidemic and increased mortality rates from heart disease. I'll take a kale smoothie.;
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about a carrot for the reindeer?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't use reindeer, okay, that's animal cruelty I drive a Chevy Volt.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay, it's time to meet Santa Claus - ho, ho, ho, ho.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whoa, whoa. Not okay. First of all ho, his misogynist slander. Secondly, kids aren't sitting on my lap.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But he just wants to show you his Christmas list.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, he'll have to sign a consent form establishing in writing that all parties involved knew hereby agree and affirm that lap sitting is of a professional and platonic nature. Now, can you sign right here? And we need your social Security Number right there please. Sign there. Yes, initial here. Yes, right here, your mother's maiden name. Uh-huh and right there. Yes, and an initial right here please. Great. Just initial right here, too, please. Okay, and right here, can you just sign. Yes, and right there.
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GUTFELD: That's pretty scary stuff. That kid could act. All right Adam, Santa is known for his look. I mean, isn't nothing sacred?
YENSER: Well, it's not only known for his - look, he's based on a real person, all of this like we'll update Santa Clause. I get it there's a legend, but Saint Nicholas was a real guy. It's like taking a survey like, "Oh should Abraham Lincoln have a sole patch and dreadlocks?" We need update to update the look. It's just - he's Santa Claus.
GUTFELD: This is this is troubling, Dana because now - what's next? What are they going to do to the Easter Bunny, right? They're going to turn it into some rabid raccoon? I hate raccoons.
PERINO: Well, probably a ferret that they might find in your basement.
GUTFELD: Oh, that's right, lucky, it's in my basement.
PERINO: One complements to - where else would it be?
GUTFELD: It would be somewhere else, anywhere.
PERINO: I mean, I have no idea.
GUTFELD: Sometimes it gets loose.
PERINO: I mean, I have no idea what that would mean, your team does an amazing job. That was a great piece.
GUTFELD: It was a great piece. We are quite good at what we do.
PERINO: It's very good.
GUTFELD: Too bad we had to let that tall guy go.
GUTFELD: You know, he costs too much. Tyrus ...
GUTFELD: The problem with like PC thought is that wherever it goes, it kind of saps out fun. It's like a fun removal machine because --
MURDOCH: The fun police.
GUTFELD: Yes, the fun police because they're always trying to eliminate anything that might hurt somebody's feelings.
MURDOCH: Like that used to be a job for mean wives, and it's - that's where the term came from. Sorry, guys, got to go it's the fun police.
GUTFELD: I didn't know that. That's the origin?
MURDOCH: You are - men are cowards and I don't respect it. You know damn, right well what the fun police is. Just because she's sitting next you, don't be afraid. Look at her and say "You're the fun police. You ruined card games, most football games, any sporting event outside the house, the fun police." Everyone knows it.
MURDOCH: Bunch of cowards. You make me sick. God. If mine was here right now, I wouldn't say it either, but the point is - because the thing is, here is - why are we giving these people the voice? I guarantee there's a tweet or a tweet, it's not like somebody walked in the door and made a complaint, like where do you go with these complaints?
GUTFELD: I don't know.
MURDOCH: I wish they'd bring that to me, you know, I'm concerned with gingerbread man being gingerbread man. I was saying you should see my gingerbread man. He's gifted. Like I would add - I would give you a reason to call him gingerbread man, yes, all my gingerbread men. I mean, gingerbread house, we're going to change it to what?
You know what I'm saying? You can make any gingerbread person you want. There's a gingerbread woman. There's a gingerbread child.
GUTFELD: Make the gingerbread house into a yurt. How about a gingerbread yurt?
MURDOCH: But you can go ahead and call it that, but you're not going to take away the man part.
GUTFELD: I know, I know.
MURDOCH: Why? It's a ginger - it's a cookie and it's seasonal. You don't have to have - get an Oreo, brother if you're afraid. There's no sex at the bottom of the Oreo. Is there?
GUTFELD: I don't think so. Let's move on.
MURDOCH: You coward. Man, anything?
GUTFELD: Kat, you wrote extensively on this. What are your thoughts?
TIMPF: Right, well the whole reason that they decided to change the name of the cookie was because it was revealed that a lot of women in Parliament were being sexually harassed.
TIMPF: So this was their solution, right? If I was one of these woman and I was actually enduring the nightmare of sexual harassment at my job and I heard that this was their solution, I'd be like your [bleep] cookie. I am being sexually harassed. This isn't going to do anything. This isn't going to do anything to solve the problem. These aren't these predatory men out there that are going to say, "Oh okay, it's a gingerbread person, so I guess I'm going to stop telling Susan her ass looks nice when she comes in the office." No it's not going make any difference and it just allows them to pat themselves on the back like, "Oh we did something. Look, how lucky we are. We are such feminists." No, you're not. You're just making yourself feel better. It's just all self-congratulatory garbage.
MURDOCH: You know what, Kat? They actually pat the women on the back after you they do that with their seasonal cookie so they only have to behave half the year. So yes, there's some sexual harassing pigs.
GUTFELD: Well, I just am amazed that this is Parliament. These are people that are paid.
PERINO: These are the people that are trying to pass independence for Scotland.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: They always vote against it.
YENSER: It seems like their government should shut down because if they're down to this, they've run out of things to do. They did it all, they did it - now, we're on the gingerbread men.
GUTFELD: I would love our government to focus on gingerbread men.
PERINO: It would be great.
GUTFELD: It would. By the way, how do they not know that the gingerbread man might be a woman identifying as a man?
MURDOCH: Because of the --
GUTFELD: Right. They're thinking is so sis-normative, it makes me sick to my stomach. You know what? I'm no longer eating gingerbread though I love gingerbread.
PERINO: Molasses is the best.
GUTFELD: Oh it's fantastic. A little bit of that white frosting on it, you know what I mean?
GUTFELD: Neither do I. Why does the CIA have a dossier on otters? Maybe because otters are awesome. I can't wait.
ANITA VOGEL, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Anita Vogel. Tragedy in Indonesia tonight as at least 43 people are killed in a tsunami. Hundreds are injured and several are missing. Authorities say the tsunami was triggered by under seas landslides caused by a volcanic eruption. It hit beaches in Sunda Strait which is between the islands of Java and Sumatra. Authorities say hundreds of homes and businesses have been damaged. Some people fled to shelters after the disaster.
President Trump has reportedly discussed firing Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell. That's according to reports in multiple media outlets. The president is reportedly angry that the Fed raised interest rates last week, but Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin pushed back against those reports, he says the President never suggested firing the chairman. I'm Anita Vogel. Now let's take you back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."
GUTFELD: It's news about otters you won't hear from Jesse Watters, back in the 50s, the CIA had this project called MKULTRA, sounds like a beer where it experimented in mind-control. One of these files - CIA files was declassified through a Freedom of Information Act request and among the thousands of pages was a dossier on the otter, an Otter Dossier. They studied the otters behavior, its lifecycle and what the otter could offer the Feds.
Among its abilities quote, "Can open zipper, climb ladder, chew through zinc sheet, turn on water tap, carry stones and marbles, throw objects with head from mouth, hold slippery objects," that's more than Doocey can do, plus, and I mean both Dooceys. Plus an otter can put together a kick-ass jug band. Remember them?
So did the CIA want otters as field operatives? Did otters contribute to the fall of communism? These are good questions - but otters are so majestic. They've inspired me to write a poem and there's only one velvet voice who can recite it so beautifully.
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LOU DOBBS, HOST: "Behold the Otter" by Greg Gutfeld. Behold the otter a ball in some water. Someone's son, someone's daughter, dad with a ball, not her, we caught her and quickly applaud her as YouTube fodder. And now what famous Shirley bought her, what exposure so vast has taught her, behold the otter. It couldn't be hotter. On the Court of Fame, she'll soon slaughter and through that day, the day the world did spot her. Well done, Gutfeld. L. Dobbs, over and out.
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GUTFELD: Yes, L. Dobbs. I am going to be home a little later, Lou. So wait up. All right, I think it's got to be a great job, Kat, to work for the CIA because you can greenlight or you could pitch anything as long as it's to save the country. So you can say how about an otter that unzips flies?
TIMPF: Yes, that's the crazy thing is that all of those things that the otters could do, people can also do, so I kind of don't understand why we really need to like enlist this legion of otters?
GUTFELD: Because you don't expect the otter to do it, so let's say, if Kat is a secret agent - oh there's Kat, the secret agent, but if it's otter, you just go that's just an otter. The otter unzips the fly.
TIMPF: The otter unzips the fly? Flies of full of what?
GUTFELD: Well, I mean --
TIMPF: I don't know, I'm just having a hard time understanding --
GUTFELD: Are you bad-mouthing the CIA? Are you trashing the CIA?
GUTFELD: That's terrible.
YENSER: I mean, this is part of it. Like some of it, it's like, oh they can throw stuff or --
MURDOCH: Wait a minute, this is just what's on the other end of the fly?
YENSER: No, the one person like no, let's go see if it can unzip some flies?
TIMPF: Why do we need otters to be unzipping?
GUTFELD: I don't know maybe that's - maybe what they're trying to do is embarrass me like foreign agents like let's say, like you know the foreign James Bond is trying to do something, but then all of a sudden he notices his fly is down and then you shoot him. You shoot him. Because the otter comes up when nobody is looking because let's say he's at Sea World. Let's say the secret agent is at Sea World, otter comes in he's like hey --
TIMPF: You're right this does sound like a completely necessary use of government funds.
GUTFELD: Dana --
PERINO: The dossier --
GUTFELD: You're a patriot, otters are adorable, some say damn cute.
PERINO: So cute, yes.
GUTFELD: I know, thank you that was a terrible joke. Why do you --
MURDOCH: Beavers make dams, jackass, not otters. You know what, I can't - give beavers makes dams, Greg.
GUTFELD: Oh beavers make dams. That's right.
MURDOCH: Not otters. You know what, stay off animal jokes. There was a wolf, there was otter, no more. No more animal jokes, please, sorry, Dana. So sorry.
GUTFELD: What then do - what do otters do, Dana?
PERINO: Well, I guess they're part of the food chain.
GUTFELD: Nobody eats them.
MURDOCH: Riveting stuff.
PERINO: I mean, someone has got to eat them?
GUTFELD: I don't know.
MURDOCH: I'd be happy to tell you.
PERINO: I will tell you some place you need to go.
PERINO: The CIA has a museum.
GUTFELD: I would love that.
PERINO: And they have some of the things that they made, like they have like this little actual like a little bug and it would fly around, like a little like dragonfly thing and it would try to like eavesdrop on conversations, so they did take things like the dragonfly and turn it into a little buzz machine.
GUTFELD: What do you think, Tyrus? Tyrus - otters are adorable, let's face it. You know, they're supposed to be so affectionate you could have like a huge aquarium with an otter in it.
MURDOCH: Yes, as long as you're not a fish or a crab, they're really affectionate. Here's the thing. This is actually a really good idea because if a person walked up to you that you didn't know, you'd probably shoot them.
MURDOCH: Especially in another country, but people are suckers for animals so a little cute otter comes hopping along, "Oh my god it's an otter, it's so cute." There's a grenade in this hands, boom, opens your ass. I know you got hooked excited about the whole fly thing, they can pull a fly, but the idea was they can unzip their little bag pull the grenade out, take the pin and the dumbass commie will come over and be like, "Oh my god it's an otter, what is this ..." boom. That's what the otter would do, and that's why they don't use people because people kind of don't like to die. So you can blow an otter up, and no one will cry.
GUTFELD: I would never blow an otter up.
MURDOCH: No, but you were just so excited they could open flies that you just blocked out everything else. You're a sick human being, Greg.
GUTFELD: That's true. That's what got me to this story, I was thinking of otters unzipping flies, Adam, is there something wrong with me? What do you make of this?
YENSER: I've never seen you defend anything like you defend the otters, but no I'm just surprised of all the MK ULTRA conspiracy theories out there, no one ever stumbled upon this one. They're all - oh they're trying to control our minds and they're giving people LSD. It never like got that the government is raising some otters.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly, and that's how they get you.
MURDOCH: Or it's just a really weird conversation. Who was president when this was going on?
TIMPF: Yes, I feel like LSD was involved.
MURDOCH: Maybe he wanted - you know. Maybe he wanted something stronger. He's like, "I want sharks with freaking laser beams on their head, guys, what have you got?" We've got otters that can hold stuff.
GUTFELD: Remember the movie, "Day of the Dolphin" with George C. Scott.
MURDOCH: They use them for that.
GUTFELD: Yes, they had dolphins. The use dolphins for a lot of things. And some, I can't even talk about. All right, no because it's secret. A school that's teaching its seniors how to be adults, in other news, I need to enroll in this high school.
If you're a hopeless ass, you could use this class. A high school in Kentucky, they have them there Dana, offered a week-long adulting conference to its senior class to teach them life skills like how to do your taxes or put together a resume or why you should purchase tickets to my next show which is coming up in February, go to ggutfeld.com. Anyway, now the phrase "adulting" sucks and the concept is right for ridicule, but it's really not a bad idea. Give the kids some knowledge about stuff they actually may need one day like how to change a tire or cook or how to cook a changed tire, frankly, I could use a class that teaches me some rudimentary skills. Here's me making a pizza.
I never should cook on Ambien. Tyrus, I actually wanted - I wanted to make fun of this, but then I realized that I am the perfect person for this. I have no discernible skill - practical skills, correct? You would agree.
MURDOCH: No, how did you get on this job if you didn't. Like this - I'm not going to play this game with you, Greg. Like why are you placating to this stuff?
GUTFELD: I haven't changed - I can't change a tire.
MURDOCH: Because you're rich now. I am not playing this game with you. This is pathetic. I guess, Paris, I guess if your kid has no life experience and you bulldoze parent and protect him from everything you keep him, keep him on his iPad, yes, he's probably going to probably going to be a little struggling when he gets in the real world, so those of us who had - well, I didn't even have parents, but I think I figured it out.
You know I'm saying like, you figure it. You have to like - when you grow up and if you have parents, someone should be telling you, this is how checkbook goes and there should be a game you play where you learn how to take care of yourself, it's called life skills, and you have this thing called miss meal cramps if you don't do it right.
So you know, and mom and dad - it's something you have to go home and ask them to build you, isn't what you guys did? You asked mom and dad for extra money when you needed something, but that's part of the process. You know, you go outside and play, you get a scrape on your knee and you learn how to take care of yourself. We're not doing that now, so now we have to have classes on how to be a functioning human being who can problem-solve situations. I'm going to do the pause right now.
GUTFELD: You know, Kat, isn't this decline in skills kind of like evolution in the sense that I tried to write a check yesterday, I could not handwrite the check because I'd forgotten the motor skills to write because I've been texting and doing everything, and so I tried to write you know - we have to write out the dollar amounts, with words.
MURDOCH: Oh my god.
GUTFELD: It's hard.
TIMPF: It's not hard.
GUTFELD: Is it?
GUTFELD: No? You don't even - you've never held a pen or a pencil.
TIMPF: I did today.
GUTFELD: What for?
TIMPF: I was doodling at my desk.
GUTFELD: Oh very good.
TIMPF: I just - I don't need this class.
TIMPF: Not because I have these skills, but because I have entered into a higher state of being where I do not need the skills, because for example cooking, just order the food on Seamless.
GUTFELD: Right, that's true.
TIMPF: Sewing? Buy new clothes. Relationships, just don't have them. I don't need these skills because I have removed myself from it the areas of life where I might need them.
GUTFELD: Wow. Adam, I just I think --
PERINO: And that's a skill.
TIMPF: And that's a skill.
GUTFELD: The skill of giving up. What do you think, Adam? What do you make of this?
YENSER: I think it's a good idea, but it just seems like school has come full circle like didn't it start because they were supposed to be teaching kids how to prepare to be an adult and then you used to learn things that you'd actually use in life and then, I don't know somehow, we lost that.
GUTFELD: It was Home Ec.
PERINO: I had Home Ec.
PERINO: I made a cupcake pillow.
GUTFELD: Oh wow.
TIMPF: I needed a tutor in Home Ec.
TIMPF: I needed a tutor in Home Ec.
GUTFELD: Oh, really?
TIMPF: I had to stay after school for extra help sewing my Popeye pajama pants.
TIMPF: Because I couldn't really figure out how to work the machine.
GUTFELD: It's funny that you have that memory. You know it's weird that like you think if this works, they should use actually authentic teachers who taught you in first and second grade because those were the great teachers and you can remember all their names, right?
PERINO: Mrs. Whitenbaum.
GUTFELD: Sister Maya.
PERINO: Mrs. Garrett.
GUTFELD: Mrs. Benowitz.
PERINO: Mrs. Brown.
GUTFELD: Mrs. Simonetta.
MURDOCH: Mrs. Who gives a damn. Let's move on. This is crazy.
GUTFELD: Mrs. Sprinkle, she was divorced that freaked us out.
PERINO: Is that how you named your ferret?
PERINO: Is that how you named your ferret?
MURDOCH: Was it black and white outside when you went to school?
GUTFELD: Yes, it was black and white. Yes, all right, up next, a couple is splitting up over the holidays. You won't believe who it is.
She's giving back her Captain Jack, an Irish Jack Sparrow impersonator says she and her husband have separated. Her husband the 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate named Jack. She says he was executed for thieving on the high seas in the 1700s and I believe her.
They married in January in a private ceremony in international waters off the Irish coast. Good for her, I say, but it wasn't meant to be. Tweeted the bride, "Jack was not who he led me to believe. He used me as an energy source," even a dead guy does this, "And is a negative attachment that is refusing to leave." He's a freeloading ghost. "It had serious implications on my physical health. I'm looking if there are ways to dissolve the Union legally, spiritually, possibly by exorcism."
Well, if it's an exorcism you need, may I recommend this fellow. I believe Satan is inside that dog. Kat, here's a relationship you could probably identify with.
TIMPF: I knew you were going go to me first. Look - is something funny?
MURDOCH: Yes, you're funny because, man, somehow this is going to come back to you and your relationship, I just know it.
TIMPF: Well, no, actually. I think it's always sad when a relationship ends, but it must be especially sad when the relationship is a figment of your own imagination because you would think going into that that seeing as it's a figment of your own imagination that you'd be able to make sure that it worked out. I mean you're the only one who that's really up to.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.
TIMPF: How do you screw that up?
GUTFELD: Yes, it's not the ghost's fault.
TIMPF: I mean, if it's all in your head, you can make sure it works out, so I'm actually feeling quite good about myself because I thought that I was bad at relationships, but at least - can I have my time in the sun, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I'm just popping my thing. It's all yours.
TIMPF: Thank you. Okay, we're going to need to talk about this later, you get your turn later.
MURDOCH: You can have my minutes for this segment.
TIMPF: I'm just saying, I feel like at least the relationships that I've been and that have ended, it was all the other person's faults.
MURDOCH: Do I know her? Do I know - three and a half years, do I not know you? I know you. We talked about this that's why I knew this was coming. I can predict nothing. I can't predict sports games, but I can predict Kat and relationship talk. If we could make money on it, I wouldn't be here. I've been next to you - we have a podcast, "Tyrus and Timpf" it's really good.
TIMPF: "Tyrus and Timpf," "T and T" check it out later.
MURDOCH: We talk about - no matter what we talk about, sunsets, nuclear division, it comes right back. It's a weird relationship.
TIMPF: You think that I actually ...
MURDOCH: Because she loves to talk about weird relationships. You were so excited about this. This story is going to haunt that lady forever.
GUTFELD: You know, I want to bring two other people into this. Dana, I mean what does she expect? She was dating a pirate. You can't compare to the pirate.
YERSEN: Well even when the relationship is imaginary, it's not like a quality guy. It's not like, "Oh I'm dating a lawyer ghost or a doctor ghost." He's a 300-year-old pirate.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
PERINO: But women like that guys ...
YERSEN: They do, exactly. That's true.
GUTFELD: By that way, that's true, if you're going to --
PERINO: Have you heard what's happening in China?
PERINO: So there is this new app in China and this is happening where you can sign up for a fake boyfriend and he's all the things that you want and he actually will talk to you, and people are posting about their relationship with this fake guy but they all have the relationship with the same guy. This is a weird thing.
GUTFELD: That's weird. We have a weird problem here is how do you know that the ghost consented?
PERINO: Yes, I mean ...
YERSEN: I was worried that was going to be like a Scooby Doo situation where she's just with this guy for a year and then she's there laying in bed and she pulls the mascot, but it's the old man from the carnival.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's old evil - evil McGillickati.
YERSEN: Exactly, yes.
GUTFELD: And he runs - and he's been polluting the river, yes, I loved Scooby Doo. They always like - there was never a ghost, it was always some rational explanation.
YERSEN: It was the first character they introduced. I mean, oh, that's the guy.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's the guy. They could have ended the episode within a minute. All right, "Final Thoughts," next.
All right, "Final Thoughts." Dana.
PERINO: I will just say 2018 was a great year. For all Fox viewers, thank you and very Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.
GUTFELD: All right, Adam, you got anything you want to pitch? You're going to be somewhere?
YERSEN: Yes, I will be at Pigpen Bar in Allentown, Pennsylvania on the 26th, our old hangout.
GUTFELD: The Pigpen Bar in Allentown. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: Yes, if you want to hear more talk about relationships with me and Kat, check out our podcast, "Tyrus and Timpf." It's on Fox News Radio.
TIMPF: That's what I was going to say.
GUTFELD: All right, well then we saved time, Kat, unless you would like to complain about something?
TIMPF: I know, I just have to go to the bathroom/
GUTFELD: All right, well then I'm going to talk really slow.
MURDOCH: Pause. Do the pause.
GUTFELD: Do the pause. Thanks to Dana Perino, Adam Yenser, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and Studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.
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