Pelosi urges Democrat unity to prevent Trump from being reelected
The House speaker says she 'can't even envision' a second term for President Trump.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," February 22, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: "THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW" is coming up. And I'll see you next Saturday night. Me. Same place.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You saved us, thank you.
DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Wow. I just said, how long have you two been together? I figured they'd say you know, we're married. He met her at the rally in Colorado. Can you believe it? Do you believe it?
Man, did he get lucky?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
[LAUGHTER]
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes, he's not just the President. He's a matchmaker.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: So was that a debate or what?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Here's my favorite moment.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Bloomberg is under there somewhere, so let's recap.
All right first there's Mini Mike. Mini Mike. No boxes. We call him no boxes.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Mini Mike. Mini Mike. No boxes. We call him no boxes and I hear he is getting pounded tonight. You know he is in the debate. I hear they are pounding him.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He's right. Mr. Magoo got pounded like a dandelion in a hailstorm. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: A billionaire who calls women fat broads and horse faced lesbians. And no, I'm not talking about Donald Trump. I'm talking about Mayor Bloomberg.
JOE BIDEN (D), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: He had stop and frisk throwing up close to five million young black men up against the wall.
SEN. BERNIE SANDERS (I-VT), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: We are sick and tired of billionaires like Mr. Bloomberg seeing huge expansions of their wealth while a half a million people sleep out on the street tonight.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG (D), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: We have a very few nondisclosure agreements.
WARREN: How many is that?
BLOOMBERG: Let me finish.
WARREN: How many is that?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He should have just said, only Rosie O'Donnell.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Instead, he looked like Thurston Howell III at an Antifa rally. He got passed around like a porno in a frat house.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: You know how bad he did? The Hindenburg called to offer condolences.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Bottom line, you know, Bloomberg made a fool out of himself that night.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Bloomberg made a fool out of himself. He choked. He is another one who's going -- I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Don't ask me the question.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes. And you've got to hand it to Pocahontas. She took Bloomberg out like a schoolmarm version of John Wick and became Bernie's henchmen, a statistic Robin to the Bolshevik Batman.
Maybe she is part Native American because that felt like Little Bighorn.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Then there's Joe, aka Jan Brady. Instantly becomes forgotten when other people are in the room. He really is the candy at Halloween that no one eats, the Necco wafers. The circus peanuts, the Black Good and Plenties. Am I aging myself? I might be too hard on you, Joe.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: And Joe Biden on Comebacks.
TOM SHILLUE, IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN: Look man, history is filled with great comebacks. Alexander Hamilton. Yes, he had a rough time in that duel. But he lived to tell about it.
That's right. Jack Dawson. He went down with the Titanic. But look what happened to him. He lived a long life and became King of France.
Yes, Old Yeller. He thought that wolf got rabies. Now, he's the face of Meow Mix.
I'll tell you what else is coming back? The mullet? Good do. Business up front, party in my pants.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Anyway, Joe was lucky by being forgotten standing on the stage like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense." He was already dead, he just didn't know it. So why kick him? Let's ask him.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: And now Joe Biden on Michael Bloomberg.
SHILLUE: Look, you can't buy an election. I know I've tried. I've been at all the sites, QVC, Etsy. Hot Topic. No elections on sale there. I even tried that Amazon. Yes. Got lost in the Rain Forest Cafe. Red beef lava nachos, though. You've got to wonder how they get that cow to the top of the volcano. Text Joe to joeversusthevolcano.org.edu -- dot -- come on, man.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Then there was Amy versus Mayor Pete. The gunfight at the Glee Club.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. AMY KLOBUCHAR (D-MN), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I wish every one of us was as perfect as you, Pete. You have not been in the arena doing that work. You've memorized a bunch of talking points and a bunch of things.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, wow. Does Betty hate Jughead or what?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: I can't blame her. Mayor Pete is that annoying guy at trivia night who keeps telling everyone his IQ and yet he always still loses.
Then Bernie. What a sad lesson. When a capitalist and socialist are on the same stage, and it's the capitalist who gets thrown under it. And the socialist skates one step closer to the nomination, where he can spread his bitter hatred for achievement all around.
And isn't that what socialism really is? It is not about spreading wealth, but spreading misery driven by envy, which Bernie has a limitless supply.
But Bernie won the debate, because everyone went for the billionaire. Sanders is like the scrawniest piece of chicken in the bucket. Everyone gets eaten before him.
And then that grizzly chunk of poultry ends up with the Democratic nomination. I don't know about you, but I think it's foul.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Don't clap. Don't clap for that. That's terrible.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: So the debate became a lifeboat that seats only five, but six wanted in and before we decided to throw that sixth person out, you need mob energy to overcome commonsense.
Bloomberg was the only successful businessman there. He's employed thousands by making billions, so to destroy him, they used this identity to obliterate his achievements.
No longer a success story. He's now just an old white, sexist male, so skin him alive, boys.
But what a contrast, imagine if Trump was up there instead of Mini Mike. You know how different it would have played out. Sometimes you can perceive genius by its absence, and what was missing is what Trump possesses. And I think the Dems know that by now.
Finally, there was this --
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: I am running because so many people --
AUDIENCE: You deported six million people.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What the hell was that? Why is it that leftwing protesters always sound like poltergeists? It's like -- it's like some screeching ghoul you conjure up a seance with Ouija board.
Now, debates should be fractious because Trump isn't going to be kind to whoever is left. To prep for Trump, you need to be beaten by inmates with a sock full of ball bearings. Because he's the orange Godzilla, and right now the Dems are villagers running for cover. No wonder the media reacted this way.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GLORIA BORGER, CNN CHIEF POLITICAL ANALYST: Bloomberg was awful.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The truth is Bernie Sanders is on a trajectory to the Democratic nominee.
CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: They all agree that Bernie's the leader and Bernie will be the leader if something doesn't stop him.
VAN JONES, CNN POLITICAL COMMENTATOR: Listen. This was a disaster.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I thought it was a great night for Donald Trump. I thought it was a terrible night for the Democrats.
If Bernie is allowed to win it, I think they're going to find they are in more trouble than they thought they were.
DONNY DEUTSCH, MSNBC ANALYST: It was a big night for Sanders. I just don't see him having any shot in a General Election on panicked. I am absolutely panicked.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I am so happy that he is panicked.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: You know, I for one, I can't wait for the next week's debate. It's on Tuesday. Here's a preview.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He you knows great prose like I know web toast. Author of "Up in the Air" Walter Kirn.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: He always has the jitters but never litters. Comedian, Joe Machi.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: She'll be sweet and sour for the next hour. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: His better belt size is the equator. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus. Happy birthday.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: Walter, Walter, Walter.
WALTER KIRN, NOVELIST AND LITERARY CRITIC: Yes, yes, yes.
GUTFELD: When you see the Democrats compete each other, you realize how more talented Trump is. It's just like you come away going like he's big. They're tiny. I don't know. That's my thought. What's yours?
KIRN: Well, Trump has written half your show so far.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: It's true.
KIRN: Greg, I have a bet that that Hillary is going to get in the race ultimately.
GUTFELD: Yes.
KIRN: So what I think it's happening right now is the equivalent of when a landlord wants to get all the tenants out of an apartment building and they put in barking dogs and they turn off the water and it's a big disaster and everybody runs and then the rich person comes in and you know, makes a palace out of it.
GUTFELD: That's a genius thought.
KIRN: Yes.
GUTFELD: You're a smart guy.
KIRN: Yes, I think it's planned mutual destruction. It's what we usually do in the Middle East. We level the place and then install a king, you know.
GUTFELD: Yes, and the king is Hillary.
KIRN: Yes, oh yes.
GUTFELD: Oh, boy. That's going to be great, Joe. Were you impressed by any of the candidates?
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I was not impressed by Mayor Bloomberg because you would you would think that people would be expecting to be criticized.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MACHI: When you're doing a debate, it would have been a lot cheaper if he just ran as an Independent, but I think people anointed him to be this great candidate just like they did with Joe Biden. It's a lot harder to be a candidate once you're actually candidate.
GUTFELD: That's true. It is. Anybody you liked?
MACHI: Not particularly. I mean, maybe pundits will get Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson into the race. They were pushing that a little -- not bad.
GUTFELD: Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Kat, thoughts on Bloomberg?
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Yes, I was confused watching the debate. I was like, dude, you are so rich. Why are you there? Like, you have so much money you can do literally anything you want in the entire world and you decide you would like to go on a stage and allow people to roast you for hours on TV?
Like, right now, okay, but I get that people would say bad things about him on the debate. So again, not a normal guy, a very, very rich dude. He could just get a fleet of helicopters and whenever they start to say bad things about him on the debate, just fly the helicopter real close to the building. He gets the PA system and he says, you're damn right. These are my helicopters. I am rich. Bloomie 2020, baby.
And like people would criticize me for buying the election, but they're already doing that. So why not make it more fun.
GUTFELD: That's a great point.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Tyrus, I watched them on stage. It reminded me of a family argument over the will of a greedy relative or a dying relative.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: What the hell happened in your family?
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: Listen, I've been reaching out to Bloomberg on this show several times. Like look, I'm expensive, but I'm good.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I could have -- give me an earpiece and be like, call her Pocahontas. Tell Joe, hey, you remember that time when you remembered? You know what I am saying, like, see, immediately, you know I'm saying like, but you know, you're this. Are you still Pocahontas or you've got another lie? What are you this month? The Irish like you could --
He had no fight because he's a billionaire.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: No one has told this man, nothing but what he's wanting here forever.
GUTFELD: That's true.
MURDOCH: So when he had his rehearsal with his team of Yes Men.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: And he is like, I'm going to say this. Boss, why? Because they are Yes Men.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He has no -- he has everything in the world, but one thing -- charisma.
GUTFELD: Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
KIRN: And six more inches of height.
MURDOCH: He could be short and feisty and nasty if literally, if there was a way he could steal Kat's brain for just one debate. He could rip everybody apart or literally with enough makeup, he could -- you could be Bloomberg.
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: Wait I'm a billionaire, like --
TIMPF: He said that because you're short.
MURDOCH: No. Yes, I absolutely did. But to save time, I'd have to get on my knees and with prosthetics and be all strings. Hey Gutfeld Bloomberg, you want to make a million dollars real quick. I need you to do this for me. There will be some makeup, just make me look good. Click.
And then when he's found out. Because I'm a billionaire, I get things done. Period.
GUTFELD: Well, you know what? Maybe you'll find out in 2028. That's when I'm running -- to Canada.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GUTFELD: We're not moving, so you shouldn't either. We'll be right back.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: The elections got them bumming, so the Russians again must be coming.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Yes, like a dog returning to its own puke, the media retreats to the Russian hysteria yet again.
"The New York Times" reports on a classified briefing to a House Committee, where officials warned that Russia was interfering in the 2020 campaign in order to reelect Trump, of course, and cable news hosts apparently forgetting their humiliations, chasing Russian Boogeyman for the past three years lapped it up like kittens with a bowl of milk.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MATTHEWS: It's official. Russia has endorsed the reelection of President Donald Trump.
The Russians are coming again. The Russians are indeed interfering in this election.
DON LEMON, CNN HOST: Here we are, again, Evan. Russia trying to interfere in our election apparently to benefit President Trump.
JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC HOST: The Russians are coming.
MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC HOST: Yes, they are.
SCARBOROUGH: And they're coming again for their main man, Donald J. Trump.
LAWRENCE O'DONNELL, MSNBC HOST: The President is a Russian operative. That sounds like the description of a bad Hollywood screenplay, but it is real.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I love Mika. "Yes, it is." Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. She can't call anybody a puppet. I mean, come on. She is a puppet.
All right. Does that sound a bit familiar? Roll a montage of the past montage rollers?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN HOST: Why would Trump shelter Russia?
SCARBOROUGH: The Russians believe they have, "the ability to influence the administration through derogatory information they have regarding the financial situation of Trump."
O'DONNELL: The Russian interference in the election, which was designed to help the Trump campaign.
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: They have determined that Russia was interfering in the election, specifically to try to hand the presidency to Donald Trump.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Do these idiots ever learn anything? The Dems in the media tried this crap before and it didn't pan out? Because they have no viable candidate to beat Trump. They're back to the same old tricks. Russia, Russia, Russia, am I right?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Russia, Russia, Russia.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What say you Rach?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MADDOW: Deep breath. It's not exactly deja vu, it's more like that slow motion feeling you get when you're sliding around on the ice and you know you're going to crash but it doesn't feel like there's much you can do about it. Here -- here we go again.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, here we go again, just like watching your show six months ago, two years ago.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: All right, Kat.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: What do you think?
TIMPF: Oh boy, I've been waiting for you to ask. Okay. I did some research. I read the articles that were sent around when we said we were going to do this story because everybody says they're meddling in elections and meddling elections and I'm like, what does that mean? Okay.
"Washington Post" three paragraphs down. It was not clear what specific steps if any U.S. intelligence officials thinks Russia may have taken to help Trump, according to the individual.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
TIMPF: "New York Times," 21 paragraphs down, it says the Russians have been preparing and experimenting for the 2020 election. So like they're practicing interference? There's no proof of them interfering and it's one of those things where it's like a lot of people they don't go into all the research that I do because you know, not everyone is as perfect of a candidate for "Special Report" as I am.
[LAUGHTER]
TIMPF: So, they hear it. They're like, oh, they're interfering and they get the impression that they're, you know, hacking the election systems and things like that, which sounds super scary.
It sounds like they're maybe trying to do that social media stuff again. Not good that they're doing it, but also, if I cut everyone out who like posted a fake news or like article, I'd definitely never able to see my Aunt Betty again like that's for sure.
[LAUGHTER]
TIMPF: So like, let's all calm down and wait until we actually know what we're talking about.
GUTFELD: Yes, Joe, Joe.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: They're apparently also trying to help Bernie Sanders, which cancels out this whole thing. They want Trump and Sanders. Why don't you -- it is completely meaningless.
MACHI: The whole notion that you could extort Donald Trump by trying to embarrass him about anything is utterly preposterous.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MACHI: I know if someone said that I traveled to a foreign country to get peed on, I wouldn't go out of bed for a long time.
[LAUGHTER]
MACHI: But what they said last time was that they were using social media to influence the election. I don't believe that's an effective strategy because no one goes on social media to change their mind about politics.
You go to call people you disagree with mean names. I mean, you look at guilty dog pictures.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Guilty dog pictures. Tyrus, do you believe this latest hysteria? Is it true?
MURDOCH: Yes. It's all true.
GUTFELD: It's all true.
MURDOCH: All of it. You're in on it.
GUTFELD: I am.
MURDOCH: Look at how he is dressed. All black Russian hair. Just curious, Greg, just curious. For those of you who may not know, where's your wife from, Greg? Answer the question, Cosmonaut?
GUTFELD: She was born in Ukraine, but grew up in Moscow.
MURDOCH: Oh, so where's Moscow?
GUTFELD: It's in --
MURDOCH: Russia, Russia, Russia.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: I am not going to point out that her father did work for the government.
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: Oh, oh.
GUTFELD: I'm so glad she doesn't watch.
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: But since we're being -- yes, mine doesn't either. But since we're being honest --
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I'm a little Russian too.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I was the first match in the history of the WWE in Russia.
GUTFELD: Oh, wow.
MURDOCH: Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
MURDOCH: So I kind of owe it to them.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's true. Walter?
KIRN: If I had known that Russia wanted America to have low unemployment, to bring the troops home and to have the strongest stock market in history, I would have voted for Dukakis when they were backing him.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Yes, that's Russian collusion. Bring it on. My 401(k) thanks you, Putin. All right, don't go anywhere, lots more show to come.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
MARIANNE RAFFERTY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Marianne Rafferty.
Bernie Sanders taking over the lead in the 2020 Democratic presidential race with a resounding win in Nevada's caucuses. The 78-year-old Sanders did not hang around to celebrate though, instead heading off to campaign and Texas, a Super Tuesday state.
Sanders winning better than 45 percent of the Nevada votes so far. Former Vice President Joe Biden is running a distant second and Pete Buttigieg is third.
And more fallout from the Roger Stone case, the convicted former campaign adviser to President Trump has moved to disqualify the judge in his case.
His legal team arguing the judge's claim that the jury had, "served with integrity" was a display of bias and should disqualify her from presiding.
He was sentenced this week to over three years in prison on charges related to the Mueller investigation.
I'm Marianne Rafferty. Now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW.
GUTFELD: Nancy's worst fears, four more years. House Speaker Pelosi is warning Dems to unite so you know, who doesn't get a second term.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: I wonder, can we withstand one term?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): We can withstand one term, but the destruction that he would do to the courts and our country and the environment.
When he says Article 2 says I can do whatever I want. He must be defeated.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That is such that [bleep] that we won't talk about it.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: He was talking about the firing of Comey, you idiot. So once again, the Democrats worry about what horrible things Trump might do and ignore the accomplishments he has actually achieved. Strong economic numbers, low unemployment.
Are we on the verge of war? No. Well, unless you count fast food joints fighting over who makes a better sandwich -- this sandwich wars, chicken sandwich wars, these are the wars that took place under Trump's watch.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: In other words, things are good. Which raises the question do Washington democrats keep on losing their minds?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Washington Democrats keep on losing their minds. They hate the fact that we're winning. We're winning big. We're winning, winning, winning.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Sure, we're winning now, but a second term? Democrats want you to fantasize a mirage of misery. Just imagine what the news reports will look like four years from now.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Donald Trump's second term. A time that changed the world forever. But how did we get here?
June 2021. The President legalizes murder, but only on the Fourth of July. Later that summer, the President has a revelation. All public drinking fountains should only dispense ketchup.
By year's end, he creates a robot force that takes candy from babies.
The next day he designates orphans as a new source of protein.
March 2022, Trump buys Disney Plus and renames it Trump Plus. They only broadcast two shows, "The Apprentice" and "The Celebrity Apprentice."
April 2023, Trump anoints Mike Pence, supreme ruler of Canada, and sells Vermont to Australia in exchange for five koala bears.
The new American Vice President, Rob Blagojevich. By fall of that year, baby lotion is reformulated to be chemically identical to self-tanner. Toddlers everywhere turn a beautiful hue of orange.
By spring, Trump adds a dancing meerkat to the Supreme Court and privatizes the Alphabet.
May 2024. Trump removes George Washington from the $1.00 bill. His replacement, Lou Dobbs.
The following winter, in his final act as President Trump, declares war on the sun. To prove he is serious, he blows up the moon.
Legal murder. Ketchup fountains. Emperor Pence. Orange babies. Dobbs dollars. Space war. Did voters ruin everything by reelecting Trump? We don't know. But it sure looks that way.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Joe, can the planet survive four more years of peace and prosperity?
MACHI: Well, prior to 2016 they made it seem like if Trump won that there was going to be World War III and for 2020, now they're talking about courts, so that seems not as bad.
[LAUGHTER]
MACHI: You can't keep using the same scare tactic that didn't come to fruition over and over again. I mean, in '89, they said by 2000 if we didn't address global warming, there'd be a catastrophe.
Then Prince Charming said 96 months, we've got to address it, and that passed, and now they're saying 12 years and I'll tell you what, I don't know if that's true or not, I'm not an actor.
I'm not paying attention anymore.
GUTFELD: Not paying attention. All right, Tyrus. Are you worried?
MURDOCH: About what?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Trump gets reelected, the world is going to hell.
MURDOCH: Aren't we there?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Yes. You're right. Yes, we're there.
MURDOCH: I mean, let's break this down. So 90 percent of the country says their lives are better.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I'll leave it at that.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Walter, you know what's interesting about how Pelosi sees the Trump presidency, it has a delayed fuse, right? It doesn't go off for four years. But when you get to that fifth year, it's really going to go off.
KIRN: Listen, Greg, there's only one difference between the first term of Trump and what I'm pretty sure is going to be the second term with Trump. And that's that Nancy Pelosi isn't going to be there.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
MURDOCH: That is a great point.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Like if you know a dangerous case -- she obviously has inside information that we don't have. And I've got to be honest, if I knew something bad was going to happen and I came out here every week and told you guys something bad was about to happen, and you weren't listening. I'm going to leave.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I'm going to pack up and leave. I tried to tell you, you all don't want to listen. And then when it happens, I'm going to come back.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: See, I told you.
GUTFELD: Yes. So you know, Kat, my prediction is, it's like you know how this is that the Trump presidency is a show. It's like being renewed for a second season.
TIMPF: You said that on "The Five."
GUTFELD: Yes, but nobody knows that.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: That's it, you're off the show.
TIMPF: I'm just watching you because I like to support you in all of your endeavors.
GUTFELD: No, you know what, it's over.
TIMPF: No, look they said obviously the same thing the last time.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: The world was going to end if he got elected in the first place. He is elected, I've got to say everything is, you know, fine.
You know what? This is bad for my brand, but I'm just going to come out and say it, my life going pretty well.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: It's going pretty well. I'm pretty happy. I know.
[APPLAUSE]
TIMPF: I know. I am pretty happy. My career is going well. I've got a boyfriend that I'm sure is not with me just for money and for food because I can buy food.
My cat -- my cat is still alive. My dad also not dead and like sure, sometimes I lay in bed at night and like wonder like about something stupid I said six years ago or if it's all going to come crashing down and then I'll be miserable. But at least I'm having those panic attacks in a bed instead of on a yoga mat or an air mat just like I was in my early 20s, things are pretty good.
And you know what? They may or may not have, you know, something to do with Trump, but they said that if Trump was elected we'd all be living in bunkers, eating cold cans of beans.
And you know what? A couple of years later, I'm still only eating beans when I want to and it's usually in a burrito bowl.
MURDOCH: And they're not cold.
TIMPF: And they're heated.
MURDOCH: They are not cold.
TIMPF: Heated beans.
GUTFELD: Well, you know, it was good while it lasted, Kat.
TIMPF: And now, I've been fired up.
GUTFELD: Now, you've been fired.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: But on the upside. That's good for your brand.
TIMPF: Yes. Then, I'll be miserable again.
GUTFELD: All right, time to pay some bills. Back in 240 seconds.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Are creatures from space all over the place? Scientists say aliens may already be living among us, but we don't know it because they don't look like what we expect them to look like.
For example, your idea of a space alien may look like this.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Or this.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: But that's TV. In real life, aliens, they could be microscopic or hidden in plain sight. Think about a space alien's plight. You don't want to draw attention to yourself so you try to fit in. But yet we sense you're not one of us. Who could these aliens be pretending to be?
Guy Fieri?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: I mean, do you really think that's human? Seriously? Or Radiohead? I mean, they sound so bad, surely they can't be from this planet. I mean, listen to this.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Stupid aliens. All right, Tyrus, I have a theory. There's a colony of ants building an ant hill a mile from a concrete overpass aware of the concrete overpass.
That's us in this universe, we could be within an alien world that render us an anthill. Earth could be just an anthill. And there's this giant alien overpass and we can't see it. Ants don't go, oh, the traffic, look at the traffic on the 4-10. Anyway, go ahead and make fun of me.
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: What the hell do you want me to say that? Have all ants removed immediately? Listen, aliens came here saw what we did to each other and got the hell out.
We can't get along. What are we going to do with a little skinny little grey thing with big eyes? You're going to eat it. We're going to do inappropriate things to it? Make it fashionable? Keep it as a pet. They don't want any of that.
GUTFELD: Yes. No, it's true. It's true.
MURDOCH: Especially in America. You just can't -- every time we see an alien, we want to kill it.
GUTFELD: No. The point you're making and Walter, it's a good point. We already eat Earthlings.
MURDOCH: Yes.
GUTFELD: Cute bunny is an Earthling, a baby lamb is an Earthling. Those sad-eyed cows. Those are Earthlings. So what's -- let's say, Walter, you get this totally adorable, sexy, gorgeous tasting alien. Think of like Rob Lowe that tastes like a Cinnabon. What is going to stop us from eating Rob Lowe if he tastes like a Cinnabon and he has like an IQ of 30.
KIRN: Nothing stopped me last night.
[LAUGHTER]
KIRN: Here's the thing about aliens. All right. I've got it figured out.
GUTFELD: Yes.
KIRN: They look kind of like us. They don't really understand our minds and how we work.
GUTFELD: Yes.
KIRN: They live on conflict. They want us to see -- they want to see war, death, disease. They're disguised as journalists.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Walter. Kat, this might be bad for your brand.
MURDOCH: You're going getting it for a long time there.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: But would you date a space alien?
TIMPF: No, I don't even want to talk about the aliens now. Because you mean to tell me they've been here this whole time and not one of them has said hi to me. Right? Like, I'm sorry. Okay. They don't need to be my best friend guys, but a little, hey, Kat, how are you? Or maybe a little wave, it would be nice because it feels like high school all over again.
But you know what, I'm not that 17-year-old weirdo with the hot topic pants and the weird mullet and the safety pin necklace desperate for attention for people who want nothing to do with me anymore. So I'm just going to say aliens, never heard of them.
GUTFELD: Joe, what do you think, they're here? Not here?
MACHI: People have called me an alien before, Greg.
MURDOCH: I actually have. I have. That's true.
MACHI: When I first read this story, I thought they stole the plot of "They Live" starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.
MURDOCH: Rest his soul.
MACHI: Rest his soul, yes. And that was frustrating. But then I read the article and it was even -- it was even worse. There was an asteroid that was cylindrical and they thought it might be as spaceship from an alien civilization, IT turned out it was just a rock. And they took that rock and they extrapolated that maybe aliens are already here.
How did you get that from this thing that wasn't a spaceship that aliens are already here? It's like when they said there was the Big Bang 13.6 million years ago and you know what that means --
GUTFELD: What?
MACHI: No God.
GUTFELD: Joe, oh, I get it. See. He is saying like they concluded that from that, that's ridiculous.
MACHI: One doesn't have anything to do with it.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: That was deep. That was deep. Best story of the week next. See, nobody got it.
[APPLAUSE]
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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Is your ficus in crisis? I love that. Disturbing news out of some country. Your house plant may be sharing her home with a murderer. And that murderer is you.
Survey shows that most millennials can't take care of plants. Sixty seven percent admit that a plant is more of a challenge than they bargained for, 20 percent say they'd rather have a root canal because this is too much pressure and they are rights.
You've got to worry about how much sunlight, how much water? Do you talk to it? And if you talk to it, what's the gender appropriate pronoun?
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Most plants are hermaphrodites. So I knew we had something in common. But it's a lot of stress for a plant. Did you know the average human has killed seven plants that they've had in their house?
But not my neighbor, Landscaping Larry.
[LAUGHTER]
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: I have a very loud neighbor, but he is sexy, Walter. You know, I have a fact, Walter because you have plants and children. I believe plants are harder to take care of than children because plants can't tell you when they're thirsty or sick.
But babies are crying about everything. Plants never cry. In fact, plants are better than children.
KIRN: You know, Greg, you stump me sometimes. When I originally read this story, it said that millennials were actually afraid of plants, not just not just that they can't take care of them, but they're actually afraid of them.
And every generation has its fears.
GUTFELD: Yes.
KIRN: You know, the baby boomers feared minerals. Now, many are buried under granite. But the thing about plants is, I feared nuclear war when I was a kid, there was nowhere you could go. You couldn't go under your desk.
We have arms and legs. You can run from plants -- to other plants. I think we're surrounded.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Yes, we are. We are surrounded.
KIRN: Yes.
GUTFELD: Joe, are you troubled by plants?
MACHI: Greg, I had a pet cactus last year and I killed it. I felt nothing.
[LAUGHTER]
MACHI: I bet people who say plants are hard to care for really irritate people who have dogs. Just like people who say dogs are hard to care for really make people who have kids complain and people who complain about how hard it is to raise kids. That infuriates people who train bears.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Save that for your act. That was a good one.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Kat, you kill plants.
TIMPF: Yes, I'm a millennial and I'm sad to report that every plant that's been in my care has unfortunately passed away. So yes, I am intimidated by them. I don't want them around me and people may think that makes me a snowflake. No, it doesn't. It makes me a nice person.
But if I want them to live, I'm sure they want to live, too. So why would you be encouraging me to welcome something into my home that I'm going to kill, like I'm already a plant serial killer. Why do you want me to have more victims? Right?
Would you say that's a Ted Bundy?
GUTFELD: You're the Kevorkian.
TIMPF: No, I'm the Ted Bundy of plants.
GUTFELD: You're the Kevorkian of horticulture.
TIMPF: Yes, I am.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And I'm not doing it anymore. I follow the instructions and they always still die.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know what it is, an instruction is just water it.
TIMPF: I do that.
GUTFELD: But you know, you can drown.
KIRN: Didn't Mike Bloomberg say the other day that he could teach anyone to be a farmer?
GUTFELD: Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
TIMPF: I said the same exact thing.
GUTFELD: I'm like you, I don't have a green thumb. I have a gray thumb. It belonged to a drifter.
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: Speaking of drifter, you had a question, Greg?
GUTFELD: Oh, yes. What about you? You don't have plants.
MURDOCH: First of all, Greg, I have all three of the things that you guys talk about. I have dogs, I have children -- boy, I've got children, and I have plants. And I take care of all of them.
But if it came down to it, if I had to make one choice.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Plants don't buy it or talk back.
[LAUGHTER]
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Plants don't grow up and not leave home.
GUTFELD: No.
MURDOCH: Plants don't pee on your favorite video game joystick. Plants just sit there, so if you really put an axe to me and said, kids, dog, or good fern?
[LAUGHTER]
MURDOCH: I'm going to miss you guys. I'm going with the fern.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: You know, Tyrus, I've lived a pretty wild life. I have plants from three different women.
MURDOCH: Well, I have kids from three different women. So no. I am wrong. I am wrong. That was a joke. That's not true. I have kids from four different women.
[APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Oh my goodness.
MURDOCH: True story. I'll say it because you like it. I am three eight- year-olds. Think about it.
GUTFELD: Be right back.
[APPLAUSE]
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Finally tonight, a continuation of our 52-part series. It examines something that deep down we all know to be true.
ANNOUNCER: Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Thanks to Walter Kirn, Joe Machie, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
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