This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 16, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, comedians and their adoring media are in a crisis. How do you make fun of Mitt Romney when you're dumb?
While you can keep doing the rich thing like commentator Paul Begala. FYI, It hear he is playing Paul Bunyan's big toe in an upcoming bio. It's true.
When comparing Mitt to Obama, Paul said Romney could buy and sell him 100 times. I'm glad I didn't say that.
Anyway, now, hacks are comparing Mitt to "Mad Men's" Don Draper. Yes, that's smart. Compare a Mormon family man to a hard-drinking, hard-smoking ladies' man.
What's the connection here? Well, they're both good looking and successful. Clever.
And how sad is it that comics can't get a handle on Obama even when those ears look so tempting.
In The Times yesterday, Maureen Dowd chatted with "Saturday Night Live" over how tough political comedy is. Says Seth Meyers, comedy writers are incredibly promiscuous and we want as many targets as possible. He left out the word Republican before targets because I don't see much else on that show.
Look, asking comedian to make fun of Obama is like asking a priest to mock Christ. If you look at government as religion, there's only one a almighty savior. And you don't commit sacrilege.
And also, you want to keep your job, which is why comics can only make fun of stay-at-home moms, holy men, and aborsh. Yes, "aborsh" -- a cute phrase Sarah Silverman coined while illustrating her fake before and after abortion pictures on Twitter.
So, instead, of speaking truth to power, instead mock the powerless. That's as edgy as Paul Begala's head.
So, Dana, do comedians lay off Obama because they make -- they can't make fun of him? They can't find a handle? He is too cool. Or they just don't want to because they're afraid they'll get in trouble.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: It is an interesting mystery. I went to a great comedy club on Saturday night here in New York City, Comedy Cellar.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PERINO: And there are five comedians that had like 10 minutes each. There was like no jokes about President Obama. He's been president for three-and-a-half years. There's plenty that you could make fun of.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PERINO: I don't whether there's a hesitation because they like him or they don't think he is funny or he is so bland he's not funny. I don't know what it is.
GUTFELD: I think it's 50/50.
Eric, I think that the fact is he, as Dowd called him, she said he kind of blends in the background. But also, he's just like them in the media. They all agree with the same style.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: They all agree. They're on board. It's more fun to make fun of righties.
And I don't know -- look, I don't know. Maybe if you make fun of the president, you could be called racist. I have no idea. Why he is off- limits I don't get.
GUTFELD: By the way, I'm over-whining about it. Yes, I don't care.
PERINO: Now, it's a mystery.
GUTFELD: Now it's a mystery. Now, you think it's like a mental disorder, Kimberly.
"Saturday Night Live" is in talks with getting Romney on.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Mitt Romney, I think he would be great. He should go on there and show his, you know, looser, more humorous side.
PERINO: He tried it on Letterman.
(CROSSTALK)
GUILFOYLE: You don't think he can handle it?
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: That's a little --
PERINO: I think the key of those shows is just to go and be yourself. If you get off one funny good line, great. But I think an interview format is probably better for a presidential candidate.
President Bush did not do any of the programs Leno, Gutfeld -- it's not very funny.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: "RED EYE"?
PERINO: Letterman. And until after he was president.
GUTFELD: Well, the media and comedians share the same narrative, which is Romney is just too far removed. And they're going to play that to the end.
I want to go to something else, because there is somebody else who I think might have a handle on Obama. His name is Dick Cheney. I think we are going to -- I was just going to do this just for you.
I was saving this for you. You want to talk about --
GUILFOYLE: He needs counseling now.
GUTFELD: I thought he wanted --
BECKEL: No. I want to talk about Dick Cheney.
GUTFELD: Yes. All right. I'm going to roll some tape here.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DICK CHENEY, FORMER U.S. VICE PRESIDENT: I can't think of a time when I thought it was more important to defeat incumbent president in the day with respect to Barack Obama. I think he has been unmitigated disaster for the country.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Bob, I think he is being really subtle here, don't you think?
BECKEL: Well, first of all, let me say, I'm glad to see he does look -- I was really at a speech last year and he was weak. This heart thing is working for him, so glad to hear that.
But let's face it. I mean, taking criticism from perhaps the most incompetent and dangerous vice president in history is not what I can say to be necessarily a bad thing. Now, Dana said to me in the break, which I do was laugh about this -- Cheney is hard to laugh about when you try to laugh about Darth Vader. It doesn't work all that well.
This is a guy that is dark. He's nasty. He didn't have to say that.
It was a throw away.
And, frankly, he -- but the good news is he's in Wyoming. Not many people care. But does he get under our skin? Yes, because he got -- he single-handedly was able to figure out how to get to us war in Iraq and make Iran a regional power.
GUILFOYLE: Oh my gosh!
PERINO: My point about laughing it off, is that it's just almost comical how Dick Cheney knows how to push all the liberal buttons. But he's just speaking the truth. He's a life-long public servant, he feels this way, he says.
He says it in Wyoming, it happens to make it to the news. It's newsy.
And the White House, they can't help themselves. Although, I don't think the White House has said anything.
GUILFOYLE: You know what? I think they are worried about him, but yes, he's got --
BECKEL: Worried about him.
GUILFOYLE: He's got a good strong heart and he's being verbally --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: He's got a new one.
GUILFOYLE: Yes. And I'm telling you -- let him. He's been sitting there being subjected to people like yourself saying horrible things about him, Bob, for a long time.
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: I'd like see him campaign for Mitt Romney in every state. I think it would be terrific. It would just make my day if he would do that.
GUILFOYLE: Right. You think it would hurt his candidacy. We get it.
GUTFELD: Eric, I was wondering if you agreed or disagreed. Is he an unmitigated disaster or a mitigated disaster?
BOLLING: Obama?
GUTFELD: Yes.
BOLLING: Either.
GUTFELD: I never heard of unmitigated.
BOLLING: Whatever, mitigated or unmitigated disaster. I mean, whatever.
Can I just talk about Dick Cheney?
GUTFELD: Sure.
BOLLING: How unbelievable is it that the guy got a brand new heart four weeks ago and is able to sit on stage, stand up, make a speech. I think it's just fantastic. It says a lot about our medicine in this country, which frankly has done pretty darn good without Obama.
GUTFELD: I know. Bob, you've got to be looking at this and be going like, this is going to be great news for you. That means you will live another 30 years.
BECKEL: Another 30 years. But I also live to see Cheney out on the trail again. And I'm glad for American medicine. More power to it because every time he speaks, he reminds people of what's the economy. And let's put it this way -- I don't blame Bush for the war in Iraq. I blame this guy.
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