This is a rush transcript from "The Five," September 21, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So the two American hikers jailed in Iran have been released in exchange for a million bucks. The money was paid by Oman, which is a country -- not the model, married to David Bowie.
Shane Bauer and Josh Fattal's families say they were just hiking in northern Iraq when they strayed over the unmarked border with Iran. Like everyone, I'm really thankful they're safe.
But hiking in northern Iraq on an unmarked border? Are you nuts? Haven't you heard of Yellowstone? It's a great park. In the winter, you have its thermal features all to yourself. I don't know what that means either, but it sounds like you could do it in your underwear.
Or try the Capital Reef National Park. It's the least well-known of Utah's desert parks. It's quiet. I go there when I'm trying to avoid Brian Kilmeade.
While you're in Utah, check out Zion National Park. They have lovely day hikes and do them won't make you a Zionist.
My point? Every time you hike on the border of something bad -- whether it's Iran, North Korea or Boston -- you put yourself in danger, and the U.S. ends up dealing with extortionists. So why bother when we have the greatest parks in the world?
Do us a favor. Next time try Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico. They're known for Mexican free tail bats, which like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, are dark and hairy, but they won't take your money.
All right. We're happy they're back. I think we have brand-new video of the hikers getting off the plane in Oman. There they are.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Running off the plane.
GUTFELD: Here's my question, I go to you, Juan. Do you put yourself in their situation and go, what would be the first thing you'd eat? Like what would you do? What would you -- like the first thing you do, of course, you would have a shower.
JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: You know, it's interesting. Whenever my family goes on these trips, they all come back and they run to McDonald's.
WILLIAMS: It's always McDonald's.
PERINO: But there's McDonald's everywhere.
PERINO: And there's McDonald's everywhere. So it's not like you can't go to McDonald's somewhere.
WILLIAMS: But they want American food. They want a burger, man. I'm telling you.
MONICA CROWLEY, CO-HOST: Yes. It's so true. And there is no McDonald's served in Evin Prison, which is where these two were held, which is the most notorious and really vicious -- it's a total torture chamber where they were held.
Now, there's no evidence that these two or three, when they had the woman with them, were tortured. They look like they're in relatively good health -- thank goodness.
But, you know, to your point, it's true. I mean, recently on Twitter, there was a hashtag trend -- #whodoesthat? #Whodoesthat? And the idea that you would be hiking on an unmarked border with a country that doesn't have diplomatic relations with the United States --
GUTFELD: I don't even leave my apartment.
PERINO: But we actually pay men and women in uniform that are serving with guns and other types of things, forced protection and everything because they need to be. That's a dangerous part of the world. And so, you do have to ask the question and I hope that once they're settled and they've gone to Golden Corral a couple times and filled up and they fattened back up, they can explain to us what it was like. We don't have any intel on the inside of Iran. Very interesting to hear.
WILLIAMS: Wait, wait, wait. That's a bad idea. That's a bad idea. You know why it's a bad idea?
PERINO: Which one?
WILLIAMS: Because they thought -- they were saying these people were spies.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Well, they were!
WILLIAMS: What? What are you talking about?
BOLLING: If you're going to go to northern Iraq and start playing around --
PERINO: You believe Ahmadinejad?
GUTFELD: You're an awful man!
WILLIAMS: What is on your mind?
PERINO: Are you kidding me?
PERINO: Is this a joke? You're joking?
WILLIAMS: He's out of control.
BOLLING: Why is Oman getting involved in releasing them? Why did they pay to release these guys?
PERINO: They did that also -- Oman was the same ones that paid -- who knows, maybe it's a pass through and we use the bank or whatever, or whoever, somebody pays it -- I don't know who pays it, but --
CROWLEY: But Eric, remember, Oman is an ally of the United States. We have good relations with them. And, look, there could have been some sort of quid pro quo where Oman steps in, they pay the million bucks, they get the hikers out. And in exchange, they maybe get a new F-16?
WILLIAMS: Yes. That's diplomacy.
BOLLING: Now, we have to put up an F-16 to get these two yoyos back from --
WILLIAMS: Wait a minute. A second ago you were saying they were spying for us?
BOLLING: I don't know who they're spying for. Just like when people take chances and they go hike on some wild trail and get lost and we have to put our rescue workers at risk to go find them, and they -- or firemen, when someone starts a fire.
WILLIAMS: What about stupidity?
BOLLING: They were stupid.
WILLIAMS: I'm saying, so it might be that they just were -- look, they're Americans and if it was your kids or my kids, we'd want the United States -- but I can't understand, to get back to Greg's point, how people consistently do this. Didn't the guys who -- the ladies who were journalists or something stray over
PERINO: North Korea.
GUTFELD: Moral to the story, watch the National Geographic Channel. Watch other people hike for you. That's what I do. I never leave my apartment.
CROWLEY: I do that too.
PERINO: Maybe there's a Facebook app they could create where it feels like you're walking through the northern border of Iraq.
GUTFELD: Yes! When they invent that, I'm buying it.
WILLIAMS: I think Greg has an app like that for sex.
GUTFELD: Terrible, man.
GUTFELD: This is a family show.
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