Gutfeld: What's a liberal to do when a Republican turns out to be better at compassion?
Democrats and the media have launched a conjoined effort to try and undo the 2016 election.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," October 12, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: Maria Bartiromo and the great Lou Dobbs. How good are they? Lou Dobbs. And many more. Many more. How about Greg? Greg used to hate me, now he is good.
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Yes. I go by one name. I am the Madonna of Fox News.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: A fun show. A fun show. All right, the impeachment quest is getting a big boost from the Democratic coalition's new impeachment task force which includes -- get this -- celebrities. Rosie O'Donnell, Tom Arnold, Debra Messing.
I thought they said celebrities.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Rosie, Debra, Tom. I think the last hit Tom had was from a crack pipe.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Just kidding, Tom. Don't sue me. I love you. So who knows what these crusaders will come up with? But I'm sure they'll get help from Adam -- yes, Mr. Schiff, who in seeing the real Ukraine phone call transcript decided he better make up one of his own.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. ADAM SCHIFF, D-CALIF.: I'm going to say this only seven times, so you better listen good. I want you to make up dirt on my political opponent, understand, lots of it. And by the way, don't call me again. I'll call you when you've done what I asked.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: A reminder that wasn't just stupid, it was false.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: But it was what the media wanted to hear, so Adam obliged. It makes you wonder if Schiff can mangle a transcript with such creativity, imagine what he could do to other stuff.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff reads nursery rhymes.
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
A wise course of action.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: All right. So how is Trump holding up? Fine, considering there's no other man we've ever met that could have taken it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: There's no other man that we've ever met that could have taken it. It's true. Maybe I'm a little different up here. I don't know. But I enjoy it. To me, it's -- I'm energized.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: And boy is he. I mean ask him. Was Joe Biden a good Vice President?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: He was only a good Vice President because he understood how to kiss Barack Obama's ass.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Oh, no, no, no. Come on. Such language. You know, they're going to complain that you use terrible words.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: They complain sometimes I use a terrible word like hell. The other day I use the word hell, I got it. I got it. Hell --
They said he used terrible language. I used the word hell, it was so bad. But you've got to hear Jay-Z, the words he was using. He was using the F word all over the place. And then the next day they say, I use bad language. The word hell is a terrible word.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Reminder that Jay-Z is not President. But anyway.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I get why the Dems and media are trying to destroy a presidency. You have record employment, record high median household income, prison reform, stock market highs, wars ending, troops coming home -- we hope. So why wouldn't you want to ruin that?
But I get it. What's a liberal to do when a Republican turns out to be better at compassion then you are? Well if you're Adam Schiff, you keep changing the story.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: And now Adam Schiff reads nursery rhymes.
SHILLUE: Little Jack Horner sat in the corner eating a Christmas pie. He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum and said what a good boy am I.
Or was he?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: God. I feel a chill up my spine. Fact is what you're seeing is a shameless bracing effort by the median the Democrats to undo an election. The question remains, have they actually thought this thing through? You saw that rally, right? And you saw that energy.
The more intensely the establishment media targets those people, the more street cred, the Trump movement gets. And when it becomes obvious that it's Jeff Zucker, CNN, "The New York Times" and Adam Schiff versus Midwesterners in Red Hats, who's going to end up being the hero here?
It's obvious. Canceling out the votes of 60 million people will turn Trump into the most unlikely rebel leader in history, an orange cross between Gandhi, Don Rickles and Godzilla.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Right Adam?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff reads nursery rhymes.
SHILLUE: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Mr. Dumpty and in his fondness for walls represent support of our corrupt President.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Clearly a reference to the fall of our democracy under President Trump.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So --
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Tom Shillue. Adam Schiff, everybody -- so how great is this that the left always wanted an American radical leader, their own Fidel, their own Che.
Finally, they got one except crap he is a Republican, which means media and the Democrats, you're on the wrong side.
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. His wisdom makes owls seethe with jealousy. Author of "Up in the Air," writer, Walter Kirn.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He's got the wit, sounds like a Brit and is full of grit. Author, political commentator and hosts of "The Mark Steyn Show," Mark Steyn.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Being clever is her favorite endeavor, host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: And he's got the wingspan of Uzbekistan, my massive psychic and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: All right, Walter, what are your thoughts on this whole impeachment process? What's going on? What do -- do you see this as a legitimate effort?
WALTER KIRN, AUTHOR: You know, I live in Montana, Greg and I don't fly all the way to New York because I have nothing to say.
(Laughter)
KIRN: Impeachment. Number one, they're trying to convince us for the last few years that there's no deep state. This is not going to work then when they have a C.I.A. whistleblower come behind a curtain in an electronic robot voice and go, I am from the C.I.A.
(Laughter)
KIRN: No deep state.
(Laughter)
KIRN: Number two. Whistleblowing. It used to be a lonely profession. You sat there at work and you realized something was wrong and you put a message in the complaint box, you know? Signed X. This isn't whistle blowing. This is band practice.
(Laughter)
KIRN: They all heard John Brennan say we need more whistleblowers. I need more whistleblowers now. And they all came running. These are the first whistleblowers who will ever get raises from their bosses.
GUTFELD: That is true. There's no risk. They're not -- their biggest risk is they might get two book deals instead of one.
KIRN: Oh, come on. Daniel Ellsberg has been around for a lot longer than two books. It's one of the best careers going.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. Maybe I'll be a whistleblower, Mark.
MARK STEYN, AUTHOR AND COLUMNIST: I'm still reeling from the fact that of all -- he read out -- the President read out the entire Fox News schedule the other night.
(Laughter)
STEYN: But everybody, as you point out, it's like Lou Dobbs, Maria Bartiromo, Sean Hannity, Jesse Watters, but it's just Greg.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
STEYN: Because you've got to figure out on the Oval Office hotline.
GUTFELD: Yes.
STEYN: When the guy goes and picks it, hello, this is the White House, oh, it's Vladimir here. Yes, Vladimir who? But when it's -- when he calls up, oh, it's Greg. Oh, yes.
GUTFELD: I am Professor Marianne.
STEYN: I do agree with this thing. Like this is hilarious what Walter was saying about the C.I.A. guy. He is -- he doesn't want -- he can testify in person. We can't see him because he is terrified that he might be killed. He's a C.I.A. agent.
(Laughter)
STEYN: He's like the guy who rappels down the wall of the Presidential palace and go robs you, and oh, no, no. It would be far too risky for me.
(Laughter)
KIRN: Welcome to the newsroom --
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. All right, Kat, thoughts on this week?
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: I don't know. I think Trump should be pretty concerned about this impeachment Task Force.
GUTFELD: Really? Why?
TIMPF: They've got Rosie O'Donnell.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: Okay, she's like -- demonstrates the greatest political genius since like Abraham Lincoln. Okay? She does. I looked at her Twitter, she had some tweets.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Check out this one.
GUTFELD: Okay.
TIMPF: Barr should be disbarred #ImpeachmentTaskForce, okay. Like four score and seven years ago has got nothing on that. Very scared of her genius. No, I'm just happy I can still read her tweets because a few years ago, she blocked me. She blocked me on Twitter.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I was there for that. I remember, I was there for that.
TIMPF: Just because I told her she should take a bath when I was on "Fox and Friends." But no, no, no.
GUTFELD: But you were misinterpreted. You were misinterpreted.
TIMPF: It wasn't even in a mean way. Yes.
GUTFELD: You were misinterpreted.
MURDOCH: She meant it like, relax, do some bubbles.
TIMPF: Yes, exactly. She was calling for a military coup against --
MURDOCH: A rubber ducky. Yes.
TIMPF: To, you know, to get Trump out of office, and I said you should relax, maybe take a bath, maybe light some candles. She started tweeting at me like, take a bath. I'm so disappointed at you and I tried to explain her and I was like, I love you in "Harriet the Spy." But she still blocked me.
MURDOCH: And ruined our "Fox and Friends." We have a lot to talk about.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: Yes.
MURDOCH: We were only on there for 18 seconds and that's what it was about. I literally said, well, okay, that's it. Thanks. It was because of you and your fight.
TIMPF: If someone told me, Kat, you should take a bath, I'd be like, that sounds great.
GUTFELD: That's amazing that this is the important take home from the A- block, Tyrus.
MURDOCH: Well, I guess -- I don't know. You know what? I always look at things in my own life in my own perspective.
GUTFELD: Right.
MURDOCH: And I know that if I was in trouble at work, but me and the boss play golf all the time, we're really cool.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Like him and the Senate.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Impeach away. You're impeached. Okay.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Hey, Mitch, am I impeached? No. And then just make it awkward.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Show up at the meetings at the House. Hey, guys, what's going on?
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Am I still impeached? You're impeached. I mean, it's literally -- this is -- all right, OJ has to be laughing. Because if the entire jury when they said the gloves don't fit, we're like, yes, that's all. He would be like, go ahead, try your case. This is literally the same thing.
The Senate does not fit so he is going to get acquitted. This is a complete waste of time.
GUTFELD: I never saw that analogy coming up, but -- (Laughter)
GUTFELD: Now, to OJ. All right. Well, I think we should move on. Up next. This is great. Liz Warren caught in another lie.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: Now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Easy. That was easy. I can't wait for the next debate. It's happening Tuesday and it's going to be huge, literally huge -- 12 candidates all at once. That's a lot on one stage. This might happen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
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GUTFELD: They all died. You think that's funny? No, they're fine. And what about Joe? I'm worried. He starts out making a point, but then he meanders and you end up thinking, what the hell?
Like when he was at CNN Town Hall, talking about acceptance.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: It's normal. It's normal life. It's not anything strange. It's not strange. That's the generic point. And the more people know that, the more they understand it.
Remember Anderson back 15 to 20 years ago, we talked about this in San Francisco and it's all about well, you know, gay bathhouses. It's all about round the clock sex. So come on, man.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It's all around the clock sex. Come on, man. What the hell. Compare that to Trump who talks like a real person. Biden sounds like he is trying to remember an article he read on the train five years ago. I can't wait to hear him explain Hunter and the Ukraine.
Then there's Liz who has another big fib on her hands. In a fundraising e- mail, she claimed when she was visibly pregnant and teaching in the early 70s, the principal told her to skip that. But the School Board records obtained by "The Washington Free Beacon" shows she was offered a new contract, but then quit on her own.
Worse, she told that version of the story in 2007, so it looks like Liz is going to have to find a different tale to fundraise from.
Luckily, we have some suggestions. Here's some things that Liz can fundraise off of.
I never had a glass of water in my life. Quite a claim. That is quite a claim.
You remember that grainy footage of Bigfoot? Yes, that was me. In an oversized sweater I got from Target who fired me because I wore glasses.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Originally, my head was to be included on Mount Rushmore, but they changed their minds because I'm black.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: All right, Mark, what do you make of Liz's latest lie?
STEYN: Well, I'm still stuck on Joe Biden's gay bathhouse.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Somehow, I knew you were going to be stuck on that.
STEYN: Yes, I don't know. I don't want to be stuck in it, but the 12 candidates, I don't really think -- I don't think a debate will work when it's that number. So I'd like to see, you know, like the -- I think they should do each other's best anecdotes.
So I would like Bernie to reenact Kamala Harris's anecdote where she claims to have smoke dope and then listened to Tupac 12 years before he ever made an album.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
STEYN: That would be my preference.
GUTFELD: Kat, who do you think it's going to rise to the occasion? Is it Biden or Warren or somebody else?
TIMPF: Well, I'm honestly just really excited that there's finally going to be so many people on the stage.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Because you know, everyone is a different learner. Everyone learns in different ways. Like some people learn by reading, some people learn by doing. I learn when there are 12 people all at once, and they're all trying to talk the most.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: That's when I learn the most. I wish more schools would implement this model. Right? No, look, it's so pointless. No one is going to learn anything. I'm still going to watch it because the country is, you know, counting on me to provide expert political analysis. So, I want to make sure not to let you all down.
GUTFELD: Has "Special Report" called yet?
TIMPF: No. "Special Report" has not called yet. But that was for you, Brett. You know, but I just really hope whenever I watch these debates, even when it's been fewer people on stage, that Americans are not only watching the debates, that they're getting information from other places when they're deciding what they think about these candidates, because it's really just performance art more than anything else.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's desperate. It's like Tyrus, you never get the best out of anybody on that scene.
MURDOCH: Well, I think we've gotten their best shot, Greg, I'm just going to call it. I've coached kids for a long time. And sometimes when you see a kid that's really bad and the mom is like, oh, he's going to get better. No, that's it. That's where he's at.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: You know what I saying? But that's who I am, but you know, a couple of things real quick. I felt so bad for Anderson Cooper because --
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He is sitting there and Joe Biden's like, hey, remember that conversation we had late at night about gay bathhouses, round the clock sex. I mean, there was nowhere for him to go on the stage.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: That is the worst feeling. Fellas, if you've ever been out to dinner with friends and your wife, and your buddy brings up, hey, remember the strip club when you blew your whole paycheck, you're like -- and there is nowhere else to go.
GUTFELD: I have been in that situation.
MURDOCH: You know, so I just -- and the one thing, look, this is going real quick, Walter. I know, you have a lot to say, but --
KIRN: I had to interrupt.
MURDOCH: But I just want to say Miss Warren, it's okay to say listen, nothing bad has ever really happened to me.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: I think -- I just want you guys to know, there was a lot of what ifs and possible misunderstandings, but nothing really bad has happened to me.
But I can still lead even though I've never really had a traumatic experience. I keep trying to make them up and I'm not good at it because I've never had a traumatic experience. It's okay.
(Applause)
GUTFELD: All right, Walter.
KIRN: The last time I interrupted Tyrus, we got millions of YouTube views.
MURDOCH: Yes, we did.
KIRN: So I did that for you. No, Elizabeth Warren, I feel sorry for you. And you know why? Because you want me to so badly.
(Laughter)
STEYN: It's helvo being a Democrat candidate. I mean, that's the essence of it, isn't it?
GUTFELD: Yes.
STEYN: You're like some -- Mayor Pete is going to be saying he got a paper cut once, you know.
TIMPF: I really did get one before.
STEYN: Really? Well, you should --
GUTFELD: Get a move on.
KIRN: Well, I'm going to say about Elizabeth Warren. No wonder she lied about being pregnant. She learned her lesson when she lied about being an Indian to get into Harvard. So you know, because she was unfairly fired for the pregnancy. She you know, took on a native identity. I think Even Steven.
GUTFELD: Even Steven. Excellent. All right, up next, guess who wants Hillary and run again? Not America.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. The search for two workers trapped under the wreckage of a collapsed hotel in New Orleans has been suspended. Portions of the Hard Rock Hotel, which was under construction came crashing down Saturday morning. At least one worker was killed, 18 others injured. Crews were using dogs and drones to locate the missing. The building is unstable. The search was halted for safety reasons, but it is expected to resume tomorrow.
Meantime, wedding guests tackled a gunman after he allegedly opened fire at a New Hampshire church this morning. Two people were injured including a 75-year-old Bishop, Stanley Choate. He's in serious condition. About 40 people were at the wedding. The suspect was charged with first-degree assault. No word yet on a motive for that shooting.
I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”
GUTFELD: Did Trump just hatch a Hillary rematch? Up until this week, Hillary Clinton had been saying no to a 2020 run, then Trump gets on his Twitter and says, "Hillary should get in the race," as long as she explains why she deleted her e-mails, to which Hillary replied, "Don't tell tempt me. Do your job."
God, I've missed those two. So deliciously nasty to each other. They're the Itchy and Scratchy of politics.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Anyway, later Hillary was asked about the exchange on something called PBS.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: There was no subpoena as he says in a tweet this morning. So maybe there does need to be a rematch. I mean, obviously I can beat him again.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Obviously.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Obviously, she could beat him again. So that means she thinks she beat Trump in 2016.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So that she thinks she is the President now? Maybe she is, and the rest of us are high on edibles which would make her reelection ad look like this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: The Hillary Clinton presidency, number forty five thousand bajillion. Medicare for owls. Puppies for all citizens.
CLINTON: Arf, arf, arf, you know.
ANNOUNCER: Winner of the Nobel Cheese Prize. Flying high on Pantsuit One. White House Easter Egg Hunt. The White House Dog. Snail Mail Only. Burn After Reading. Reelect Hillary 2020.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: They are applauding out of confusion, Kat. That's a troubling ad.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: What do you think? You want her to run?
TIMPF: Listen. She is not running.
GUTFELD: Okay.
TIMPF: I do know why she is doing this.
GUTFELD: Why?
TIMPF: For attention. She knows all she has to do is say she is running, we'll all talk about her and then she could turn around and be like, why is Fox News so obsessed with me? It's all -- and by the way, I'm not even hating on her for it. I'm saying game recognize game, right?
I am obsessed with attention. I mean, look at my job. And you know I threw a funeral for myself when I was 30. If I ever get married, I intend on wearing one of those airplane neck pillows during the entire ceremony.
GUTFELD: Why?
TIMPF: Just so people will be like what is she doing? And we'll write about it and you're not much better by the way with your little initials on the floor, okay, so I'm just letting you know you're not much -- you're not much better.
MURDOCH: Not to mention, you just need one. You just need one G.
GUTFELD: For Greg Gutfeld.
TIMPF: Yes, he needs --
GUTFELD: I only need one G.
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: Yes, I mean, the painting of you shirtless riding a unicorn is a nice touch. So you recognize it, too, Greg. You like some attention yourself.
GUTFELD: I do.
TIMPF: So I'm not going to give it to her. I'm not going to entertain this. I'm just going to say you're sick. I get it. I'm sick, too. But I'm not going to feed your illness, Hillary. Sorry.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
GUTFELD: Well, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: Hillary running again. I didn't watch the last one, so why not? I'll check it out. The Democratic Party has got to just -- be just in knots over this.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: All the momentum they have right now, all the huge events they're having. People, it's anarchy.
TIMPF: I've never seen people so excited.
MURDOCH: Listen, after everything Elizabeth Warren has been through, you lay this on Hillary? She might actually get a real tragedy.
Like the time she was running for President. Hillary showed up and took it all. Biden and her in a big showdown debate, where he turns to Bill and go, hey, remember, we were talking about 24 hour sex and bathhouses like -- it's tailor made for her to take it.
GUTFELD: Yes. Hillary reminds me of a TV character on a show that hangs around and passed her utility like the -- remember the annoying laugh lady on "Friends"?
TIMPF: Janice.
GUTFELD: Yes, you would know that.
KIRN: You know -- you know who Hillary reminds me of? Hillary reminds me of that night in the Monty Python sketch. So Henry gets his arm cut off.
GUTFELD: The Holy Grail.
KIRN: He says, come at me. And he gets -- finally he's a stump and he's like, don't tempt me.
(Laughter)
KIRN: No, also this don't-tempt-me thing, that's Dirty Harry. Remember Dirty Harry?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.
KIRN: He was standing with a gun over a criminal. He wasn't lying on the ground with a gun on him. She is making threats that disguise the fact that she has lost two times.
GUTFELD: Right.
KIRN: And I think that she is doing this -- I really have theorized about this, Kat. Is it to get attention or is she really running? And I'm going to ask Steve Bannon and he says, she is really running and I think she is, too.
TIMPF: That's because she just wants attention from Steve Bannon.
GUTFELD: You can get attention by running.
KIRN: Yes. You get attention by running.
GUTFELD: Is it for real?
STEYN: I think it's for real. Although, actually your idea of Hillary as Dirty Harry is an actually a much better idea. Dirty Hillary, I would see that. You've got to ask yourself, punk, are you feeling lucky today? And then she fires and blows the studio lights out and falls on the floor in the street.
I would -- I would go and -- I would go and see that. We don't need to -- we don't need to worry about this whole Hillary Clinton, I mean, for what it's worth, I've enjoyed the first Hillary Clinton term in office.
(Laughter)
STEYN: It's been better than I expected.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
STEYN: I think I could -- I think I could take her reelection.
GUTFELD: There is a substitute teacher in Donald Trump.
STEYN: The one thing Joe Biden has done is he has actually streamline the model because under the Clinton model, you would have a Ukrainian oligarch give $4 million to the Clinton Foundation. And in return, Chelsea Clinton would give a speech on diarrhea in Africa and the Ukrainian oligarch would sleep through the speech.
And now instead, Joe Biden has just made Hunter Biden a Ukrainian oligarch in his own right. And so the whole system is actually -- the whole system is, you said what you liked about Joe Biden is that he has actually streamlined the whole democratic corruption. And I think he has left Hillary looking like last year's mob.
It's not just the gay bathhouse. There's more to Joe Biden than the gay bathhouse.
GUTFELD: Yes. There really is more. And we're going to save it for the next block. Up next, while the NBA bends to China, "South Park" gives them the finger.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Why does the NBA appease the Communist Chinese? It started when Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey tweeted support for pro- democracy activists in Hong Kong. Then he deleted it, but not before pissing off the commies.
Suddenly, Chinese businesses started suspending deals with the Rockets which causes the team to apologize and the NBA Commissioner to say this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ADAM SILVER, NBA COMMISSIONER: I'm sympathetic to our interest here and to our partners who are upset, and I don't think it's inconsistent on one hand to be sympathetic to them, and at the same time stand by our principles.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What principles? Critics say the NBA is putting money before American values. The same NBA, mind you, who lectured Americans on their values.
AOC and Ted Cruz have signed a letter asking the NBA Chair to suspend activities in China. Yes, the two most polar opposite lawmakers in D.C. agree that the NBA sucks.
Well done, NBA. Unity.
Now compare that to "South Park". Last week's episode mocks American companies bowing to Chinese sensors, which got them banned in China.
And after the NBA's cowardice, "South Park" released their own apology, saying quote, "Like the NBA, we welcome the Chinese censors into our homes and into our hearts. We, too love money more than freedom and democracy. Xi doesn't look just like Winnie the Pooh at all. Long live the great Communist Party of China. We good now, China?"
So in sum, "South Park" was this, and the NBA was this.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I didn't even know that stock photography existed. Tyrus, what irritates you most about this story?
MURDOCH: I think the biggest thing that irritates me is the coverage of this because I listened to Silver's speech and if you have to listen to all of it, he was apologetic that their deals weren't going to work out, but he would not condemn what the man said.
And that's important because they lost money. They're going to lose over a billion dollars in this deal. China has taken it to the -- I'm concerned about the players still being over there because they've cancelled all media. They've made it to where it's punishable for fans to go see the NBA players.
So I would like the NBA players to get their behinds home because Americans over in a communist country who is upset with us is not a good idea.
But the fact that we're not listening to the whole -- the whole story and that's what -- and that bothers me a little bit. A lot of companies would have fired that man, the ones who we see in this country all the time where somebody says something and they lose their job and their career over it.
GUTFELD: Yes. Trying to do --
MURDOCH: Where it's kind of hypocritical right now for the United States to talk trash about anybody bowing when we literally do it on somebody tweet it. I find it hilarious to where if Silver was doing what we've been doing over here, as a country, he would have came out, that guy from the Rockets would have been fired and he said he doesn't represent the NBA. He doesn't do this and that. This man is gone.
What he did say is, it is unfortunate this happened, but we support him and his right for free speech, which cost them the deal in China.
So I think before we start talking trash and then of course "South Park." I love those, guys. Man, they've been doing it for so long. They do not care and they baited them in because I can imagine the interpreter in China reading it like, yes, they got it and they watched episode one.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: They just don't care. You know like and the fact that you think they're going to care is hilarious. Nobody is safe. Any one of us can end up on that cartoon. I think it's an honor when they make fun of you. But that is true comedy. And that's a beautiful thing.
GUTFELD: Walter?
KIRN: Well, you can applaud for Tyrus.
(Applause)
MURDOCH: They weren't sure.
GUTFELD: They were like, I don't know if I agree, but I'll applaud.
KIRN: Tyrus, turned this into a thoughtful show like "The View."
(Laughter)
KIRN: Well, here's what I think.
MURDOCH: Wait until I get to my phone.
(Laughter)
KIRN: Here's what I think about the Houston Rockets.
GUTFELD: Nicely done.
KIRN: I think first of all about "South Park" that they don't have to complain about the tradeoff between money and free speech because they've got both.
GUTFELD: Right. That's true.
KIRN: And second of all, I think that Trump isn't weighing in on this because he put himself in a bad position criticizing the NFL.
If you want to talk about free speech, you've got to talk about it across the board and you know, since professional sports seems to be the place where we're playing out all our controversies these days, you know, he should stand back and let it rip.
GUTFELD: That's true. I can't wait until lacrosse becomes a controversy. Oh my god, Mark.
STEYN: Yes, no, no. I'm with you there. I can't wait for -- I was hoping this would precipitate a World War.
(Laughter)
STEYN: Personally. Because I've never -- I can't -- when people say well, what do you have to say about the basketball con -- what do you mean the basketball con?
And what was it, Tyrus, you said they like fired -- whether they were going to fire the guy from the Rockets?
GUTFELD: Yes.
STEYN: Wouldn't it be great if like a basketball team called the Rockets cause more of a war than actual rockets. So I'm with you, I'm waiting for the lacrosse -- and actually my favorite would be ice dancing.
GUTFELD: Yes.
STEYN: I would like -- I would like -- I like ice dancing. I like curling. I would love to have a World War provoked -- I would like -- where are the curlers on this?
GUTFELD: Yes.
STEYN: Don't they want to imprison the people of Hong Kong for another 50 years, too? Why is nobody from ice dancing speaking out?
KIRN: Have you seen women's soccer lately? I mean --
STEYN: Yes, no, no. Definitely, I'm for -- this is the best reason to have a World War that's come along in years.
GUTFELD: Kat, I see -- I see trouble brewing in ping pong. I don't know what it is, but it is happening.
TIMPF: It's not trouble. Honestly, I know some of you may disagree with me. But I could not be more thrilled about the NBA sucking up to China.
GUTFELD: Really?
TIMPF: Yes, because now I have a principled and patriotic reason to not watch.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Before I had to just be like, listen, I'm only on my 23rd run through the fourth season of "ALF" and I want to make sure I'm not missing any nuances in the humor.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: You never know. But now I can be like, we don't watch that game in this house because we are Americans and we are patriotic.
MURDOCH: Yes.
(Applause)
TIMPF: And then everyone will apologize to me. I don't have to watch basketball and I get to look like a patriot instead of a weirdo.
GUTFELD: The only --
TIMPF: I win. They did it for me.
GUTFELD: I think you're going to have to do more than that.
TIMPF: What? To make me not look like a weirdo.
GUTFELD: Yes. Thank you for completing my thought. The point I think that we have to always remember, it's about the phony virtue signaling of the NBA who lectures us on morality about you know, transgender bathrooms, and then when they have to put the money where their mouth is. They shut up.
TIMPF: Boycott.
GUTFELD: Yes, boycott.
TIMPF: What happens then?
GUTFELD: Boycott. All right, up next. We're kidding. We don't boycott anything here. Are wedding costs driving men to commit crimes? I hope so.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: He wanted a wife not, 25 to life. Police say a Texas man, Heath Bumpus -- best name ever -- has confessed to robbing a bank the day before his wedding because he needed money for the ring and the venue. Injustice.
After his daring hold up, police posted pictures from the bank surveillance camera on Facebook. He didn't even attempt to disguise himself. That's love. That's love. So guess who recognized him? His fiancee who said turn yourself in. What a snitch.
So he did. The wedding didn't happen on account of it. Heath Bumpus being in jail. He has been charged with robbery, though it's still not as bad a crime as this.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: It never gets old.
STEYN: No, no, no.
GUTFELD: It never gets old.
(Cheering and Applause)
MURDOCH: And they pop every time.
GUTFELD: Mark, if you go to rob a bank, you take a risk like that, spend it on something awesome like a gold plated submarine.
STEYN: Yes, yes. By the way, that song would have been a much bigger hit if I'd been called Heath Bumptious. That is like the greatest name ever.
I feel very sorry for this guy because he forgot to disguise himself. In fact, he actually -- I wonder because you're meant to -- aren't you meant to wear a ski mask when you hold up a bank?
GUTFELD: Yes, I think so.
STEYN: Yes, I think you want it over your head. And he obviously -- he must have maybe he had it with his wedding gear and he was like going to turn up --
The guy didn't actually make it to the wedding. She wanted a $3,200.00 ring.
GUTFELD: Terrible.
STEYN: The poor guy is unemployed.
(Laughter)
KIRN: Greg, I figured it out. He didn't really want to get married.
(Laughter)
STEYN: And now, it hasn't happened. He's on $300,000.00 bail for stealing a thousand bucks. So the sheriff has done him a favor. He's never going to be married to the gal who wanted a $3,200.00 ring. He paid for the event facility. $2,600.00 he paid a $20.00 bills, which I think --
GUTFELD: They even had like green paint on him.
STEYN: Yes. But I wanted to see him walking down the aisle with the ski mask on because I think that would have been beautiful, very touching.
GUTFELD: Kat, most romantic gesture ever.
TIMPF: You know, I've never really understood the whole big wedding thing. I don't see the need for it. Most people are like, Kat, that's because you don't have a fiancee, but that's true.
But it's because I just have never had the urge to spend tens of thousands of dollars like getting everyone from my cousin back home to my great aunt's new boyfriend drunk and feeding them beef tenderloin.
Like I don't understand. I don't want to push redskin potatoes and unrealistic expectations of love on people. It's horrible for single people. Anyone ever done like a stupid thing at a wedding?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: No. I was going to say just my friend. You know it happens, because it's like going into a haunted house of emotional minefields, if you're single to go to a wedding and if you're married, it's bad, too, because you compare your wedding to, you know, to their wedding and you know that you're like, Bob, you know, oh, they have liquor here. We didn't have liquor at our wedding.
And then you know, Linda turns to some stranger and says the same thing. It's garbage for everyone. Just get married in your apartment.
GUTFELD: Tyrus?
MURDOCH: You know, fellas, I've just got to say, it's okay to say no. I mean, it's been a tough -- we had a dude who drowned himself, if you read that story, he drowned during the proposal.
GUTFELD: Oh, I did see that.
MURDOCH: Yes, he went -- he went underwater with a snorkel, drowned himself. This guy looks at the camera like come get me. He robbed the bank 500 feet from the sheriff's office. Fellas, it's okay to say no. We've got to learn to say no or hell no.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I mean, it's just -- this is where we're at in the world. We would rather go to jail or die. Listen, I bet -- I understand. I'd been at that one time when I did something stupid. I said yes.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Like, I get it.
GUTFELD: Last word, Walter?
KIRN: Well, I can't really say anything because, you know, I wish that I'd robbed the bank before my second wedding.
GUTFELD: Your second wedding.
KIRN: Yes, my third is working out, but for my fourth, I'm definitely going to shoplift, you know.
STEYN: If you're still looking for a fiancee, Heath Bumptious is available.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And you know where he is at all times.
TIMPF: I was going to say, I do like that he couldn't cheat on me with a woman.
GUTFELD: Yes, a beautiful ending to a strange, strange wonderful segment. All right, four shows remain for "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" fall tour. We're in Jacksonville November 16th, Durham the 17th, Cleveland December 7th. Knoxville, December 8th. Tickets still available. Go to ggutfeld. com for information.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We're out of time. Thanks to Walter Kirn, Mark Steyn, Kat, Tyrus, our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.
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