This is a rush transcript from " The Greg Gutfeld Show," January 4, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
[start video clip]
President Trump: I have a very good relationship with Kim Jong un. I know he's sending out certain messages about Christmas presents, and I hope his Christmas present is a beautiful vase. That's what I'd like, a vase.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Kim Jong-un better get him something nice after this week.
[cheers]
Greg Gutfeld: Well, if there's one thing we've learned in three years, it's that Trump will always respond. You ask a dumb question, Trump’s going to respond.
[start video clip]
President Trump: You're with CNN, and you're fake news. The fake news, which is you and you.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Impeachment testimony? Trump's going to respond.
[start video clip]
President Trump: I want nothing. I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Storm our embassy in Iraq? Boy, will Trump respond.
[start video clip]
Male Speaker: The U.S. military confirming it carried out a strike near Baghdad airport, killing Qassem Soleimani.
Male Speaker: The Defense Department tonight has confirmed that the United States has killed Iranian General Qassem Soleimani.
Male Speaker: A rocket attack on the Baghdad airport kills Iran's most revered military leader.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: "Most revered." Yeah. A U.S. drone took out the guy who helped direct wars in Iraq, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon, a guy whose efforts led to the deaths of hundreds of Americans in Iraq. He was a bad guy doing really bad things for a really long time. So, is it bad to kill a bad guy?
[start video clip]
Chuck Schumer: No one should be shed any tears for Qassem Soleimani. He was, in fact, responsible for -- he had American blood on his hands. But at the same time, I think the fact, as Ambassador Sherman said, that the consequences of this could be unbelievable.
Wendy Sherman: Qassem Soleimani is a ruthless, ruthless killer. There is no doubt about that. Nobody weeps that he is gone. But that said, the Obama administration, at least to my knowledge, did not go after him and target him because we understood what the consequences were.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Everything comes with a “but.” Oh, a terrible, terrible guy. Terrible guy, terrible guy. But. But. But. And consequences? Look, Iran already doesn't like us, hasn't liked us for decades. Iran has been not liking us way before Trump was elected president. Hell, it's been not liking us way before the Trump Tower was even built. But taking out a bad guy is bad because Trump.
[start video clip]
Debbie Schultz: What I think is going on here, frankly, is that this action was taken more in President Trump's self-interest rather than our national interest.
[end video clip]
President Trump: Still a charmer. Self-interest. Okay, Trump ran a campaign on avoiding quagmires, and his supporters had their fill with Iraq, Libya, and Syria. So, this action seems the opposite of self-interest. It's a country's interest, our country. If you ask me, Trump took action to stop a war, not start one.
[start video clip]
President Trump: We took action last night to stop a war. We did not take action to start a war.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: See? [laughter] [applause] I love being right. My first prediction of the year is 100 percent on. So he's sending a clear message that Trump means what he says, that it's never a good idea to stake out your army in another country and plan attacks against the U.S. and think that you're going to get away with it. Not while he's president, at least. But thank God the media is focusing on the stuff that matters. Over at CNN, what was their best headline? "President Trump dined on ice cream as news of the air strike broke," [laughs] as if Trump indulging in a sweetened dairy product makes the strike that much worse. [laughter] Not for me, CNN. It actually makes it that much better. I mean -- wouldn't you want your president to be eating ice cream while he eliminates a mass murderer? I do. That's pretty -- I'd say that's pretty cool. Meanwhile, the experts on all the networks say we are one step closer to war, which raises the question, who exactly is an expert on Iran, Iraq or the Middle East in general? Where is their proof of success beyond feverish appearances on cable news shows? No one has ever gotten that region right, ever. And anyone who sees the killing of a murderous general as worse than sending pallets of money to that generous country can be no expert. He can be a moron. Now, one other expert warned that this wasn't just any old killing. True. This wasn't just some ISIS fighter. It was a top general, a powerful leader of an adversarial government. So hurray. I mean, really, isn't the killing of old generals by drone preferable to sending waves of young men and women to their deaths on a battlefield? So maybe this doesn't mean war at all. War is when the old generals send young people to die. Under Trump, we just kill those old generals -- [applause] with -- with -- and this is my favorite part, as you know, he did it with a flying robot. That's progress. [applause] Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's got a heart of gold and will kill you if you think otherwise, retired Green Beret master sergeant, host of Hollywood Weapons on the Outdoor Channel, Terry Schappert. [applause] Someone call the SWAT team because this guy's a riot. Currently starring in the new season of Crank Yankers on Comedy Central, comedian Jim Florentine. [applause] She's pretty, witty, and from the Motor City, host of Sincerely Kat on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf. [applause] And, you can swim in his footprints, my massive sidekick and host of Nuff Said on Fox Nation, Tyrus. [applause] They're not booing him. They're Tyrusing him.
Male Speaker: Yes, as it should be.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes. So, Terry, obviously, you're a military guy. You're a Green Beret, much like me.
Terry Schappert: We were in Nam together.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, we were in Nam.
Terry Schappert: We'll be at that foxhole. I was pretty --
Greg Gutfeld: Nam is actually a Vietnamese restaurant on 49th.
Terry Schappert: Yes. The dumplings are fantastic.
Greg Gutfeld: They really are.
Terry Schappert: They really are.
Greg Gutfeld: Nam dumplings?
Terry Schappert: Fantastic.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes. Give me your gut response to what -- this week -- to this taking out of Soleimani and the response from the media and whatever.
Terry Schappert: Stop there because I know you're sick. So here's the thing -- first of all, hey, it's interesting, isn't it, that Terry Schappert gets told to come on this show and then a couple of days before, someone gets killed. I know people.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes. Terry Schappert: Just kidding. Seriously --
Greg Gutfeld: So you're saying you had this engineered so you could do this as a topic?
Terry Schappert: I might have called some people. I'm joking. I don't mean to make light of this. So if you're in my --
Greg Gutfeld: You should.
Terry Schappert: Well, if you're in my community, it's pretty safe to say that you've probably buried somebody who was killed by him. You know someone who's lost a limb or been catastrophically wounded. And you know a Gold Star family who has been destroyed by this guy. So if you're an American and you can't get behind the death of this dude, two things. One. You suck. But second of all -- second of all, if you can't care about that, you can care about all the people he's killed over there.
Greg Gutfeld: Right.
Terry Schappert: Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, his own country. He's murdered and tortured people. So, this was legal. It was totally justified. And damn, it couldn't have been done much better. And even as we speak right now, the A-listers are on the ground mopping up ancillary targets, collecting intelligence, and taking the fight to this dude. As I said before, Iran effed around and found out. That’s it.
Greg Gutfeld: Do you think Iran --
[applause]
[cheering]
Greg Gutfeld: Might I remind you, audience, you never clap louder for a guest than you clap for me? [laughter]
Terry Schappert: By the way, you think he’s joking. He’s not joking.
Greg Gutfeld: I thought somebody might have --
Tyrus: Everybody say goodbye to Terry.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, Terry’s gone.
Terry Schappert: It’s been a good run, guys. Good to get to know you.
Greg Gutfeld: Can I -- just one more question to you.
Terry Schappert: Yeah, man, of course.
Greg Gutfeld: Do you really think Iran is upset by this? Because their response is weird. It’s muted. It’s not like -- I feel --
Terry Schappert: You know, it’s hard to get -- I mean, to some people, there’s a lot -- to some people who know a lot about this, especially people who are actually from there --
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Terry Schappert: -- like, you know, and so it’s a very interesting place. They have a really, really deep, long cultural heritage, and they’re slaves of this guy. So, what I said before is true, but also, it’s -- be prepared for more danger, because they’re going to try to retaliate. But that’s -- not taking this dude out would be like akin to saying, “I’m not going to take that bully on because he maybe won’t look at me anymore.” This dude has been killing --
Greg Gutfeld: Everybody, yes.
Terry Schappert: Yeah. I mean, so sometimes the immediate pain has to be put up with for the long-term pain. This could actually -- it’s going to take a while to figure out where this all goes, but, man, killing that dude -- that was the right thing to do.
Greg Gutfeld: What do you think, Jim?
Jim Florentine: Well, I first heard the general died, I thought Shaquille O’Neal was in the car. [laughter] Then I realized it was a different general. You know, he’s my favorite basketball player.
Greg Gutfeld: You know, what’s sad is I don’t understand the joke.
Terry Schappert: Dude. Do you need to tell him? Tell him.
Jim Florentine: It’s a commercial that’s on Fox all the time.
Greg Gutfeld: Wait, what’s --
Jim Florentine: The General Insurance --
Kat Timpf: [unintelligible]
Terry Schappert: The General Insurance Company.
Greg Gutfeld: Oh.
Kat Timpf: Roll with the general, and something something.
Terry Schappert: Something --
Kat Timpf: For great low rates you can get online --
Multiple Speakers: -- go to the general, and save some time.
[applause]
Greg Gutfeld: I don’t know, I think --
Jim Florentine: Don’t applause too much, because then I'll be off the show, too. [laughter]
Terry Schappert: It’s -- our list of allies grows thin.
Greg Gutfeld: So --
Jim Florentine: Well, I like how Rose McGowan apologized.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes [laughs].
Jim Florentine: You know, she apologized for America.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, to Iran.
Jim Florentine: To Iran.
Greg Gutfeld: “Dear Iran, I am sorry for our country. Please don’t kill us.”
Jim Florentine: Yeah, I wonder if the Iranian officials go, “Is this a U.S. spokeswoman for the White House?” you know, and then they did a Google search on her, and they saw her on the red carpet in a G-string on a date with Marilyn Manson, and they go, “Should we take this seriously? I don't know, I think this is, you know” --
Terry Schappert: It’s legit.
Jim Florentine: Yeah, it’s legit.
Terry Schappert: It’s legit.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. Kat, you’re a libertarian.
Kat Timpf: Right.
Greg Gutfeld: I don’t know if this is a violation of libertarianism. I think it’s moving towards a different phase of how we deal with adversaries.
Kat Timpf: Well, I have concerns about it. So, obviously this was a bad dude. He was a terrorist. He deserved to be killed. Obviously, that’s true. At the same time, I have concerns about it just based on what happened when, you know, we took out, for example, Gaddafi. There were additional problems. But the difference, I think, is that that’s what I always think when something like this happens.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes.
Kat Timpf: Whereas people on the left, you know, Obama/Hillary did the exact same sort of thing, and they didn’t have an issue then, but they have an issue now because it’s Trump. And I think if Trump wouldn’t have done this, they could have easily turned around and been like, “Oh, look at Trump palling around with this terrorist.” So, no matter what he did, they were going to have a problem. I -- so he deserved to die. I’m concerned about potential implications, because I am a very anti-war person, but I’m consistently so, and I feel like a lot of people are just against it because it’s something that Trump did.
Terry Schappert: Exactly.
Kat Timpf: Because Obama did the same thing.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. Tyrus, close it out.
Tyrus: A couple things really quickly, and I’m not -- we know what happened. I’m just going to the responses. I think that’s fair. You said they had a muted response. You have to understand, when they gave -- I believe it was harsh revenge -- they were going like this. [laughter] We’re being harsh revenge [unintelligible].
Greg Gutfeld: Yes.
Terry Schappert: Yeah.
Tyrus: So, there’s not a lot of trash-talking going down, because you’re on camera, and not the ones in front of you.
Greg Gutfeld: Also, to that point, Soleimani had been trashing Trump with memes --
Kat Timpf: Memes.
Tyrus: Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: -- and he killed him for that.
Tyrus: Bet he won’t do that again. [laughter] It just -- it’s hilarious that people were like -- they talk about consequences -- we’ve seen the mainstream media -- every month, something horrible is going to happen.
Greg Gutfeld: Right.
Tyrus: And they’re like, “We’re in big trouble now because Iran is going to do something.” Like, if they could do anything, maybe block. And the second thing that just wows me is that the media also has already started their narrative that Trump did this to get out of trouble with impeachment.
Greg Gutfeld: Right, yeah.
Tyrus: Last time I checked, he wasn’t in trouble with impeachment. He pretty much -- [applause]
Kat Timpf: That is absolutely [unintelligible].
Tyrus: I mean, that’s literally -- Mitch -- Old Man Mitch came out and said [unintelligible]. [laughter]
Terry Schappert: That’s true, that’s true.
Greg Gutfeld: It is true.
Tyrus: So, it’s --
Greg Gutfeld: Well --
Tyrus: -- [unintelligible].
Greg Gutfeld: -- [unintelligible] good A-block. I had the flu. Where am I? Oh, got to sell some stuff. We’ll be right back.
[commercial break]
Male Speaker: And now, The Greg Gutfeld Show presents the 2020 “can’t-didates.”
Greg Gutfeld: As the field narrows, out come the arrows. So, it’s Donald Trump versus one of these people. Could be any one of them at this point. Who are they? So tiny. His head is big. Anyway, it could be Bernie Sanders. He raised over $34 million last quarter. That sounds like a lot, but then again, Trump raised $46 million, and -- [applause] [cheering]
Greg Gutfeld: We are, like, in Vegas. And he did it while he was getting impeached, which means the man can certainly multitask. Joe Biden raised $22 million, not as much as Trump or Bernie, but he’s still leading the polls even though he’s still saying weird stuff, like how he answers an 11-year-old boy’s question in New Hampshire.
[begin video clip]
Joe Biden: How old are you?
Male Speaker: I’m only 11.
Joe Biden: Oh, you’re a good man. There’s a thing, honey, called -- I shouldn’t call you honey. I guess I’m talking to my grandson. That’s how I talk to him. I apologize. Now, honey, I didn’t want to break up the NRA. A magazine, honey, is not something you open up and read. It’s a thing that holds the bullets. But anyway, so, honey -- I mean, sir --
[end video clip]
[laughter]
Greg Gutfeld: What was that all about, Joe?
[begin video clip]
Male Speaker: And now, Joe Biden tells a story.
Male Speaker: I had a pocketful of blueberries. I'm serious. I had face jelly one time, said "come on, man. Come on, man." I've been there. You know, we used to sell bags full of nickels for cash in the backyard. If you've been there like I have, you'd know that -- you'd know it. I got a friend named Corn Pop. He knew about my hairy legs, but a guy with hairy legs can't eat syrup. You know that. I'm serious.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: That's so true. He could be the nominee or maybe Mayor Pete -- he wants to decriminalize all the drugs, not just pot, but meth, coke, you name it, which makes sense -- if a Democrat becomes president, we're going to need to do a lot of drugs. Meanwhile, what's Mayor Mike Bloomberg promising? To turn the East Room of the White House into an open office floor plan where he says he'd be working, quote, "where a leader should be, with the team," even tweeted what such a floor plan would look like. See, there's -- can you see that? That's small. There it is. There's President Mike sitting in his cubicle. He's so sad. Sharing it with a vice president, maybe? This is pathetic, fist-bumping his chief of staff while the press secretary's over there trying to eat his lunch? [laughter] So that's Bloomberg's big important idea, cubicles? Boy is it stupid. I mean, do you really want to see your president working in a cubicle around other cubicles? You're the president of the United States, not a blogger for TMZ. Freak. Meanwhile, Joe Biden wants us to stop using coal and he's got a big idea to keep coal miners working.
[begin video clip]
Joe Biden: Anybody, if you go down 300 to 3,000 feet in a mine, sure can learn how to program, as well. But we don't think of it that way. Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace, can learn how to program, for God's sake.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Sure. Just totally learn how to code and then get a job at Google. Easy peasy. Wish I'd learned to code too. Joe, what was your thinking behind that?
[begin video clip]
Male Speaker: And now, Joe Biden tells a story.
Male Speaker: Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. I would consider a Republican running mate -- a guy; I am serious, man. Look. Barack Obama? Barack Obama. 1977. Maya Angelou. Great poet. Text Joe to 3 0 3 0 3 0 3 0. Thirty. Thirty for thirty. Hawaii Five-0. Good show. Come on, man.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Meanwhile, Trump's keeping the economy afloat amid the weirdest impeachment effort ever in dealing with the media. He wants them to have a great year. Look, they're honorable people.
[begin video clip]
Donald Trump: I want to thank everybody. I want you to have a great year. Look, you're honorable people; you have to stay honorable. If you're honorable, I'm going to win the election by a lot. If you're not honorable, I'm just going to win the election by a little. So I'd rather have you be honorable, okay? Thank you.
[end video clip]
[applause]
Greg Gutfeld: Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Beat that, Joe.
[begin video clip]
Male Speaker: And now, Joe Biden tells a story.
Joe Biden: Look, look, look, look. You want to talk fitness? I'll do more pushups than babies born this year, combined. It's not an exaggeration. Everyone's talking about Cats. I don't see the big deal. I liked it. Darth Vader. Luke Skywalker's dad -- I saw that coming. Come on, man. Come on.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Tom Shillue, baby.
Male Speaker: Hard work from Tom.
Greg Gutfeld: Jim, as a comedian, which Democratic candidate do you think could rival Trump? Or is that even possible?
Jim Florentine: Probably not. I mean, Bernie, you know, look, Bernie, raised a lot of money, that's good, $34.5 million. I don't -- do you think his staff actually told him about that after his recent heart attack? Because they go "we don't want to give him any big news." You know what I mean? [laughter] You'd think -- almost 35 million, the guy would get a brush or a comb. And still, no. Could someone just give this guy $10, send him down to Walgreen's, just drive him down there? [laughter] Or drop, you know, $46 million. That's -- I figured that out. I did the math. That's like one million for each tweet he sent out this year or one dollar, actually.
Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] That's true. And he's going to send out plenty more. Kat, what do you make of -- who do you want to talk about? Bloomberg and his open office plan or Biden and --
Kat Timpf: Biden.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes.
Kat Timpf: Like, I feel like if I were a coal miner, I'd be really mad.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes. Kat Timpf: First of all, if I were a coal miner, I'd be dead in like 15 minutes. But I -- like it's, you know, it's just saying, "hey, don't worry. You know, I'm definitely going to take your job. But all you need do is just learn how to do a completely different job."
Greg Gutfeld: Yes.
Kat Timpf: "And then you can have that one." I mean, like, honestly, like -- it's like if it's so easy, why don't you learn to code, Joe?
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, it's true.
Kat Timpf: Because I know what would happen if he would learn to code. He'd go enroll in the classes and it'd be three weeks before he realized he was like taking basket weaving the whole time, you know? [laughter] It's really offensive. And he has a lot of nerve to be telling, you know, people their jobs don't matter and they should just start another one when he's managed to stay like rich and famous and influential, despite not even always knowing like where he is. [laughter] [applause]
[cross talk]
Kat Timpf: At least coal miners always know where they are. They're in the mine. Jim Florentine: They banned people from Twitter for using -- remember, "learn to code" -- that was a controversial --
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, "learn to code," that was a contro -- and was, people got in trouble for that. Tyrus, what's your assessment of the candidate?
Tyrus: After seeing the tape, I think the Democratic Party should run as a team, I think. [laughter] I think they should all just run together. Jim Florentine: That's awesome. Tyrus: I think the entire panel and maybe a chimpanzee should run together as a team.
Greg Gutfeld: You know what? You know what? It gives me an idea -- that they do that thing from BoJack Horseman. They all get a giant overcoat and pretend they're one person.
Tyrus: Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: They all climb on each other's shoulders. The most attractive person's head is on the top. Terry Schappert: And they could switch when they get tired or hot. They can just like rotate out --
Tyrus: Because this election is going to be bad.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes.
Tyrus: So instead of being -- going down in history books for the worst representation for the Democratic Party running for president with more stay-at-home votes than actual votes, you clearly say, well, it wasn't just me.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Tyrus: It was all of us. [laughter] But, mostly, mostly, Bobo the chimp wouldn't stop throwing stuff at the Democratic Party and that's why, like [unintelligible], there it is, right there. That's the team.
Terry Schappert: Spread the grief around.
Tyrus: Take the first initial from each name. Make one word and be like [sound effect], and then, you know, just go with that.
Greg Gutfeld: You know what -- you're kind of explaining and you know this, the wrestling, when it's one guy.
Tyrus: Yeah. Form the 15 horsemen.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Terry Schappert: That's it.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. So you have the guy in there and each guy comes in, you smack him that way.
Tyrus: They can bump and feed for the president because that's literally what they're going to do.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Tyrus: Each one of them -- just form a team, that way it can be -- we can all raise money together.
Terry Schappert: Brilliant. Regarding Mayor Pete, meth is illegal?
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Terry Schappert: Oh, I didn't know that. [laughter] Tyrus: You know what, I actually -- [cross talk]
Kat Timpf: It should be legal, as long as you're not going to force me to do it. Then we might have a problem.
Greg Gutfeld: By the way, it is -- in a weird way, you are right. It is -- I mean, Ritalin, Adderall, these are all amphetamine drugs. They're all meth -- meth is just somebody who can't get a prescription.
Terry Schappert: Dude, I was just trying to say a stupid comment for laughs. And you got to do the "oh, actually, you're actually --" Tyrus: I'll be honest with you, I would be more excited to see a Democratic debate if they all were on meth. I think it would be a lot better. [applause]
Greg Gutfeld: I would like to host that debate.
Tyrus: Breaking Bad with the Democrats.
Jim Florentine: If Mayor Pete, you know what I mean? There's going to be good because --.
Kat Timpf: This week on [unintelligible] TV.
Greg Gutfeld: What, Jim? Jim Florentine: No, I'm just saying if Mayor Pete wins, that'll be good because there'll be extra episodes of Intervention.
Multiple Speakers: Yes. Yes. Jim Florentine: [unintelligible] they'll be popping them out like five a week.
Greg Gutfeld: My favorite episode of Intervention -- the woman addicted to computer screen --
Kat Timpf: Allison.
Greg Gutfeld: Allison.
Kat Timpf: Allison. She's better now. She is better now, but if you can find that episode on YouTube -- holy crap. She would buy cases of computer window -- computer screen cleaner and just [sound effect].
Male Speaker: What's the big deal?
Greg Gutfeld: All right, I'll shut up. All right, we'll be right back with more stuff.
[commercial break]
Aishah Hasnie: Live from America's News Headquarters, I’m Aishah Hasnie. The White House has formally notified Congress of the U.S. strike that killed Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. Under the War Powers Act, the president must notify lawmakers within 48 hours of any action that sends U.S. forces into armed conflict overseas. That notification was entirely classified and swiftly condemned by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker saying it raises more questions than it answers. She wants the White House to brief Congress. Meanwhile, President Trump issuing another warning to Iran. He says the U.S. has targeted 52 Iranian sites and was prepared to strike, quote, “very fast and very hard” if Iran retaliates. The 52 sites represent the number of Americans held during the Iranian hostage crisis. I’m Aishah Hasnie. Now back to The Greg Gutfeld Show.
[music playing]
Greg Gutfeld: All right, CNN held their annual New Year’s Eve broadcast, and the host got more loaded than a Wendy’s baked potato.
[begin video clip]
Male Speaker: Cheers, buddy.
Male Speaker: [unintelligible]
Male Speaker: [unintelligible]
Male Speaker: Okay.
Male Speaker: [laughs] Wow. Okay.
Male Speaker: That one didn’t -- that --
Male Speaker: [unintelligible] --
Male Speaker: That was tough.
Male Speaker: I feel like --
Male Speaker: Don’t lean against this. We’re more worried about --
Male Speaker: [unintelligible]
Male Speaker: That was -- it’s time to talk about some of the under-reported stories of the year. First, we’ve got to start with this one. Faye Dunaway.
Male Speaker: What is that? Who would drink this?
Male Speaker: College students.
[end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Now, normally I never watch CNN. I could get the same brain-numbing effect by huffing model glue with the windows closed. But meanwhile, Bill de Blasio, the mayor of this hellish city -- I can’t see that. Can you roll that down? -- went after Domino’s for selling $30 pizzas to the crowd in New York waiting for the ball to drop, tweeting, “Jacking up your prices on people trying to celebrate the holidays? Classy, Domino’s. I’m sorry this corporate chain exploited you. Stick it to them by patronizing one of our fantastic local pizzerias.” Yeah, you’re being exploited when you voluntarily pay for a pizza. He really is as dumb as a block of wood. If Bill hadn’t been asleep -- [applause] If Bill hadn’t been asleep during ECON 101, he’d know prices rise when demand exceeds the supply. Even the rats in New York are desperate for a decent slice.
[begin video clip]
Male Speaker: [unintelligible]
[end video clip]
[laughter]
[applause]
Greg Gutfeld: He’s got, like, a six-movie deal at Paramount.
Terry Schappert: Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: Tyrus, do you like -- I hate New Year’s Eve. Do you -- I hate everything about it. Those guys -- I hate people who act stupid when they drink.
Tyrus: Well, I just feel for people who drink everywhere being shamed like that on CNN. It was deeply, deeply, disturbing. My dream of doing shots has been forever ruined. I’m in therapy now trying to find out why that -- I had to see that. I’m forming a coalition on Instagram to commemorate our pain, all the pain that they’ve caused, shaming people who can actually do a damn shot without overacting. I mean, it wasn’t -- that was -- CNN -- they just can’t get it right. They just don’t know when to quit. And Don Lemon -- “I got a tattoo. I’m on painkillers.” What is going on? You spend the whole year attacking everybody and going after everybody, and then the real you comes out for five minutes, and America hates you. Like, you can’t even be cool. [applause] Usually, some alcohol, some tattoos, and a microphone is a good time. Not with Don Lemon and the other guys. It was --
Terry Schappert: I concur with all of this.
Tyrus: Yeah, I’m just saying --
Terry Schappert: Alcohol --
Tyrus: It’s sad that they -- but all year they have the moral high ground. They’re above everybody. And then you cut the rules off for three seconds; they’re not only doing everything they talk trash about --
Terry Schappert: They’re doing it on TV.
Tyrus: -- they do it poorly. That’s the worst thing. [applause] [cheering]
Greg Gutfeld: I will say this, though, Kat. As bad as, like, Don Lemon does New Year’s Eve, it’s not as bad as when he does the news. [laughter] I’d rather have him get wasted and act stupid and show tattoos than actually try to pretend he’s objective.
Kat Timpf: Sure. [laughter] So, I just -- I’m mad about -- I’m really mad at Bill de Blasio, because, you know, I live in New York. You know, we live in New York. You look around. The taxes are really high. It stinks. You have to watch where you’re walking to make sure you don’t, like, step in human feces or, like, trip over a pile of trash. And he decides to finally take a stand and get impassioned over pizza. Like, it’s like you said, like hey, idiot, it’s called supply and demand. Right? The only thing that I judge Domino’s for is, honestly, not charging more, because this pizza was going specifically to people who were in Times Squares --
Greg Gutfeld: Exactly.
Kat Timpf: -- on New Year’s Eve on purpose, okay? These are people who had smashed themselves into pens in the cold, wearing diapers for fun. Like -- [laughter]
Greg Gutfeld: Should charge a hundred bucks.
Kat Timpf: I’m pretty sure --
Greg Gutfeld: Charge two hundred.
Tyrus: We’ve been there. We’ve been there.
Kat Timpf: -- a pizza is definitely the least stupid thing any of these people have spent $30 on. [laughter] [applause]
Greg Gutfeld: Terry?
Terry Schappert: So, de Blasio -- now, I was born in New York City, so I can say this. Everyone keeps saying how stupid he is. You reelected him, New York City. [laughter] At some point, it’s got to kind of come back on you.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, but you know what it is? You’re right, but it’s because nobody in -- nobody --
Terry Schappert: Paid attention.
Greg Gutfeld: -- in New York votes --
Terry Schappert: No, you’re right.
Greg Gutfeld: -- because they just assume a liberal is going to win.
Terry Schappert: I was just getting in a cheap point because I felt like it.
Greg Gutfeld: I know. I’m disappointed in that cheap point.
Kat Timpf: Me too.
Terry Schappert: This from the guy who phones it in all the time.
Greg Gutfeld: Go, Jim. Last word to you.
Jim Florentine: Well, look, de Blasio -- I mean, it would have cost $110 to go a block and a half in an Uber to pick that pizza up, so for $30 is no big deal.
Terry Schappert: It’s worth it.
Tyrus: It’s worth it.
Greg Gutfeld: It’s -- why is it that progressives have no understanding of economics and the fact that somebody having a pizza delivered to Times Square -- that’s worth a lot of money to get the poor delivery guy in there. I mean, it’s a -- we -- all of us at one point have been there, having to work.
Kat Timpf: Yeah.
Tyrus: Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: And it’s a nightmare. I will never do it again, thank God.
Terry Schappert: If Bill de Blasio’s wife was selling those pizzas, he wouldn’t have said a damn thing.
Greg Gutfeld: Oh, she only took --
Terry Schappert: He’d have taken the money and run.
Greg Gutfeld: She took how much, $800 million?
Terry Schappert: A lot of money.
Greg Gutfeld: No, for that mental health --
Terry Schappert: Yeah. It’s all gone.
Greg Gutfeld: -- thing that just disappeared? All right.
Terry Schappert: Like pizza.
Greg Gutfeld: That pisses me off, because the problem with New York is mental illness and drug addiction, it’s not pizzas, and there’s $800 million that went to a program to deal with this, and nothing has happened.
Terry Schappert: Gone. It’s gone. It’s gone.
Greg Gutfeld: All right. [unintelligible].
Jim Florentine: Greg, you need a shower.
Greg Gutfeld: The problem with this story is that everybody across America is like, “We don’t care about New York,” and I don’t blame you. More good stuff after this.
[commercial break]
Greg Gutfeld: Do you dread what lies ahead, or do things look sunny in 2020? Fortune Magazine, which sadly isn’t a magazine devoted to Wheel of Fortune, Terry, has taken on the awesome task of making some predictions about the year ahead. Some highlights -- they expect turbulence in the world economy, but nothing like the crash of 2008. That’s so easy. They predict Stacey Abrams will be Biden’s running mate if he’s the nominee -- maybe -- or Julian Castro if Elizabeth Warren is the nominee. Boy, that’s boring. They think Quentin Tarantino may finally win a Best Directing Oscar, and he should. And they think that my pain in my foot may be phlebitis. [laughter] Thanks, Fortune, for including me in your predictions. I, for one, am excited about the twenties. They’ll be just like my actual twenties, but with less drugs and more toupee glue. So, what about our predictions? Is this new decade -- will we stop believing in media hoaxes? Will Terry ever wear normal pants? [laughter] And will my cat ever learn how to jump?
[begin video clip] [end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Kat, would you care to comment? Do you have predictions?
Kat Timpf: You know, I never like to make specific predictions about the future, but I like to look towards the future just assuming general gloom and doom.
Greg Gutfeld: I’m surprised by this.
Kat Timpf: It works really well for me. I’m serious. Some people -- like, because then you’re not -- if things work out well, you’re like, “Nice.” You’re not disappointed. I don’t understand those people who get out of bed every morning, and they’re like, “Today is going to be a great day.” It’s like if you have that attitude, you spill coffee on yourself, and you’re like, “I thought today was going to be great,” but if you wake up every morning like, “I bet today is going to be the day I get framed for murder, I’m arrested, and I spend the rest of my waking days in prison,” all you’ve got to do is end up at home, and it went better than you expected.
Greg Gutfeld: That’s true. I do that all the time. [applause] That’s called the pessimistic optimist.
Terry Schappert: It’s the Irish optimist, is what it is. That’s what we call it. That’s [unintelligible].
Kat Timpf: I’m counting on handcuffs when I walk out of here.
Greg Gutfeld: [unintelligible] everything have to be about race with you, Terry.
Tyrus: It is shocking, isn’t it, Greg?
Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Yes, shocking.
Tyrus: Shocking.
Kat Timpf: Where do you even buy those pants? Like, 1971 or what?
Greg Gutfeld: He has a time machine.
Terry Schappert: I’m predicting --
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, what are -- do you have predictions, Terry?
Terry Schappert: -- a couple things. Nothing for Kat. I’m going to lose more hair for sure.
Greg Gutfeld: Is that possible?
Terry Schappert: Yeah, [laughs] it is. It is. [laughter] You have diarrhea, so you just be quiet, okay?
Greg Gutfeld: I have the influenza bee, and I’m here --
Terry Schappert: When people say, “I have the stomach flu,” that means they have diarrhea.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes, but I can’t take --
Terry Schappert: [unintelligible] --
Greg Gutfeld: -- Imodium, because that would be bad if it’s a bacterial infection.
Terry Schappert: I'm not judging you. We all have it sometimes, Greg. It’s okay. I -- [laughter] I'll leave it at that.
Greg Gutfeld: This is -- that’s good. This is the only remedy I have.
Terry Schappert: And it works every time. I’m going to take this from you. Jim, do you have any predictions?
Jim Florentine: After that, I don’t know.
Greg Gutfeld: I predict I'll be in the ER tonight.
Jim Florentine: Yeah, yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: With a very shocked surgeon. “I’m impressed. The whole thing. Good God, man.” Jim, save me from myself.
Jim Florentine: Yeah, my prediction is you’ll get the whole thing in. [laughter] [applause]
Terry Schappert: He gave it to you. He gave it to you. Teed it right up.
Greg Gutfeld: You know, if I wasn’t sick, I’d have more control over this show. You’re taking advantage of me. [laughter]
Terry Schappert: You told us backstage --
Greg Gutfeld: Who did I talk to? I haven’t talked to Tyrus. Have I talked to you yet?
Tyrus: Oh, I’m good. I’m good. [laughter] Because I just want to take the horn and stab myself in the neck with it right now to get me out of there. You know what? I always look at it -- I’ve always lived my life where I take it one day at a time, and I don’t really -- predictions -- you’re either right, or you’re wrong. You know what I’m saying? Like, oh, “we’re going to have an economic crash or issues.” Yeah, a few of us are. A few of us are going to have some missed-meal cramps this year. Some of us are going to do well. Some of us are going to die. Some people are going to get born. You just hope you’re one -- you know, you get enough good then bad. You just kind of make your way through it. So, my whole thing this year was, like, I’m going to keep it easy for myself. I’m going to eat more apples. So, last year I think I ate, like, 10 apples.
Terry Schappert: That’s legitimate cool.
Tyrus: I’m doing apples. I’m eating apples now.
Terry Schappert: Legitimate cool.
Tyrus: I’m eating apples.
Terry Schappert: Legitimate cool.
Tyrus: All win for me.
Terry Schappert: Worst throw ever.
Tyrus: Did you just throw him toilet -- did that just really happen?
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, he just threw toilet paper.
Tyrus: I --
Greg Gutfeld: An audience member carries toilet paper.
Tyrus: We need to go to commercial now, because -- [laughter]
Terry Schappert: We had a feeling. We had a feeling this was going to go off the rails, and I can say with some pride that we’ve helped to get it there.
Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Yes.
Kat Timpf: It’s actually --
Tyrus: I’m just saying. You usually get toilet paper after something bad happens. You know what I mean?
Greg Gutfeld: You know what this is? This is Fox and Fiends.
[laughter]
Back in 190 seconds.
[commercial break]
Greg Gutfeld: He took a stand by slapping a lady’s hand. Pope Francis has apologized after hitting a woman’s hand at the Vatican on New Year’s Eve. Watch this.
[begin video clip] [end video clip]
Greg Gutfeld: Get off of me. [laughter] It started when she grabbed his hand and yanked him towards her, which is rude. There he goes. I love this. And he clearly didn’t think that was cool, so he swatted her like a giant bug. In his morning address the next day, he confessed to losing his patience with the woman, saying, “Excuse me for the bad example.” And it’s not the first time. Last year, he pulled his hand away -- watch this. This is the best. He -- like, people tried to kiss his hand, and -- [laughter] It’s the best. I can watch this for hours. I -- look at that. It’s amazing. This -- he might be my favorite pope now. Now, apparently -- God, this is so good. [laughs] All right, they wanted to kiss his ring, but he didn’t want to spread germs, which was very considerate of him. Anyway, you don’t have to meet the pope to get the same experience. I’m developing an at-home version.
[begin video clip] [end video clip]
[laughter] [applause]
Greg Gutfeld: All right. I knew that tape would come in handy. Glad I did it in my basement. Terry.
Terry Schappert: Sir?
Greg Gutfeld: You are a serious, faithful Catholic. Was the Pope correct in slapping her hand or not, and was he right to apologize?
Terry Schappert: If you’re a serious Catholic, you have to admit that you suck every day. That is part of it. Look, I -- and I’m watching that, and it is really funny. It is. But, you know, in a way, it’s probably -- he probably get tired of people grabbing him and doing that kind of stuff.
Greg Gutfeld: But he’s the Pope.
Terry Schappert: He is the Pope, so I think that --
Greg Gutfeld: Jesus wouldn’t be tired of it.
Terry Schappert: Jesus accepted that. I think --
[applause]
Greg Gutfeld: Don’t applaud. I don’t even know what I’m saying.
Terry Schappert: I'll make it quick. I think people like me have the -- he’s the Holy Father, and we respect that, but I think the thing with us -- he’s a Latin American pope, and he grew up with the haves and the have-nots, and he’s very social justice-oriented, which I get. But be careful about that, because now you start putting faith in government and not the church, and I think that’s where he steps off. If I had to ask him about -- if I had to have a little word with him, I would say that.
Greg Gutfeld: Maybe one day you will.
Terry Schappert: Maybe I will.
Tyrus: Then your ass is going to get slapped.
[laughter]
Terry Schappert: I will. Just like, “Get out of here, man.”
Greg Gutfeld: I think the Pope, Kat, reminds me of me. That’s exactly how I would react.
Kat Timpf: It’s [unintelligible]. It’s really --
Terry Schappert: It is.
Tyrus: Is that, like, a height thing?
Kat Timpf: The resemblance is striking.
Greg Gutfeld: No, just --
Kat Timpf: I can’t believe they did the -- they didn’t choose you.
Greg Gutfeld: I know [laughs]. I was in the -- I made it to the top five.
Terry Schappert: You were close.
Kat Timpf: Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld: I made it to the top five.
Kat Timpf: A true loss.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, I had to kill three of them just to get in there.
Tyrus: Which ended up biting you on the ass at the end, because, yeah, you killed a guy.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, I killed a guy.
Tyrus: What are you going to do?
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.
Kat Timpf: All right, well, I’m on the Pope’s side big-time on this one, okay? I don’t think he should have said sorry. I think he was completely -- I mean, what -- this is an 83-year-old man, and she was ripping his arm out, okay? And then he --
Terry Schappert: He could have osteoporosis.
Kat Timpf: He tried to take it away, and she kept pulling. What was he supposed to do, just, like, follow her and go for a stroll? You know, like, walk her home? Give up the pope thing, go to her house, and have a meal? I mean, he did not have a choice. This woman was attempting to kidnap him. Look.
Greg Gutfeld: It was a pope-napping.
Kat Timpf: This was an attempted pope-napping. So, I’m on his side. He shouldn’t have said sorry. Look, she’s not giving up. She’s coming for blood. So, I’m on his side. He shouldn’t have said sorry. And you’ve got a lot of nerve trying to kidnap the Pope, lady.
Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. Tyrus, whose side are you on this one?
Tyrus: You know, I heard bad-ass Santa Claus, but bad-ass Pope? This dude is bad, man. He’s mean. Forget the slap. Look at that gangster walk afterward. “Get your hands off me. You know who I am? Don’t touch me.” [laughter] [applause] Watch the takeback. Forget the touch. Watch -- even the thing when he’s pulling his hand back. “I ain’t got time for this.” This dude does not like making public appearances. He’s got things to do. Literally, watch when she grabs right before. He’s going, “Hey, I’m talking to my homeboy. Get off me, you understand? Move, move.” Watch this walk. “Grabbing on me. I’m the Pope.” [laughter] [applause] “Put your hands on me.”
Greg Gutfeld: Nice.
Tyrus: All he was missing was, like, Flava Flav. Like, “You see that fool grab me?” That’s all he was missing, was his roll-dog with him for him to be like, “Man, next time someone grabs me, click-clack, you’re going to God quick.” [laughter]
Greg Gutfeld: Jim?
Jim Florentine: I don’t feel bad for this lady. I mean, I used to get pummeled by no-name nuns in Catholic high school, you know what I mean? You get a slap on the wrist from the Pope? That’s an honor.
Greg Gutfeld: Yes, exactly.
Jim Florentine: That’s like a kick in the nuts by Gandhi. [laughter]
Terry Schappert: He’s not wrong.
Greg Gutfeld: I think that’s going to be the title of your memoir. [laughter] Kicked in the --
Terry Schappert: He’s not wrong.
Greg Gutfeld: No, he’s not. No, it’s actually -- it’s a great story. “I -- yeah, I got slapped by the Pope.” That’s never happened before in history that we know of.
Tyrus: No, and the Pope standing over you going, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me, punk.” Right? Gangster.
Greg Gutfeld: All right, we’ve got more show left, don’t leave. Don’t go to sleep.
[commercial break]
Greg Gutfeld: Out of time. Thanks to Terry Schappert, Jim Florentine, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.
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