Gutfeld on Joe Biden's malarkey tour

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Gutfeld on Joe Biden's malarkey tour

Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden mocked for out of touch bus tour slogan, struggling in key battleground state polls.

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 2, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: Hello, everybody. I'm Jesse Watters along with Katie Pavlich, Juan Williams, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City and this is "The Five."

Former FBI lawyer, Lisa Page, speaking out for the first time since her anti-Trump text messages with Peter Strzok set off a political fire storm. All this coming as we await the release of the inspector general's FISA report. Page saying, "When the president accuses you of treason by name despite the fact that I know there is no fathomable way that I have committed any crime at all, let alone treason, he's still somebody in a position to actually do something about that, to try to further destroy my life. It never goes away or stops, even when he's not publicly attacking me." The president responding with this Tweet, "When Lisa Page, the lover of Peter Strzok, talks about being crushed and how innocent she is, ask her to read Peter's insurance policy text to her just in case Hillary loses. Also, why were the lovers' text messages scrubbed after he left Mueller? Where are they, Lisa?" And before we get on to this, we see Air Force One touching down in London where the president's going to be attending a lot of NATO meetings. Greg Gutfeld --

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Yes.

WATTERS: -- Lisa Page back in the news.

GUTFELD: Yeah. I -- they call this a puff piece, but it was all puff and no piece. The story to me is always about the media and how they create these kinds of things. When you saw this story break, you saw the drooling fan base immediately Tweet the story out. And then you look at her follower -- the people she follows on Twitter. They're exactly the same. It was a -- and they all push to this and speak "kill shod," [phonetic] right? They really got him. But you look, it's the same crowd regurgitating the same self-congratulatory bunch of crap. It was so sheeplike -- sheeplike in how everybody copied each other. It revealed to me that there were marching orders, right? Like it wasn't -- it wasn't like, "Oh, I just decided to speak out." This was a fruition of a courtship between the press and Page for a while, that guaranteed that it'll make her look like the victim to evil, evil Trump. And because of people who -- the people who boosted this piece instantly are the same group of people that have been saying this stuff forever. So it was all planned. And when you see a coordinated effort like this involving the media, never-Trumpers, people who hate Trump, you see why his Tweeting, to him, and the rallies are so important, because they control all the other tools.

WATTERS: So, yeah, Juan, to Greg's point about this kind of being coordinated, it looks like, I guess, when you have an IG report on something like FISA, the people named in the report get to read it first, and that's what you're seeing, a lot of pre-buttal, pre-spin before the report is released, and maybe that's a part of it, her coming out now.

WILLIAMS: I don't know where this is coming from because, I mean, I guess I would be one of these people who would be in on the conspiracy, but I certainly wasn't. I -- I must say, I find all this talk about the IG report interesting in that most of the news reports seem to say that it really does not indicate that there was any prejudice against the president. Now, I don't know if that's a setup, Jesse.

WATTERS: Yeah, you don't know.

WILLIAMS: Because that could be a setup that it does say something --

WATTERS: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: -- about prejudice against the president --

WATTERS: Who knows?

WILLIAMS: -- to force the investigation, and we're all being played. But I don't know. But I -- what I do know is that, you know -- and I guess I'm -- I could be, you know, subject to being called naive here, but I mean, what she --

WATTERS: We would never say that, Juan.

WILLIAMS: I appreciate it. But I'll just take her at her word. And she said this guy is mocking her for -- you know, he's faking that he's Lisa Page pretending to be in the midst of sexual ecstasy in front a huge rally.

WATTERS: Are you referring to when he was kind of reciting, Katie, those -- the text, "Oh, Peter, oh, Peter"? I think that's --

WILLIAMS: No, no, no. No, no. It got worse than that.

WATTERS: Did I not do a good enough job?

WILLIAMS: No. And she says that he demeaned her that --

WATTERS: Oh.

WILLIAMS: -- you know, she could have spoken out at any time. And speaking out now, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a bad time to speak out, but she did it. And I think her feelings deserves some respect.

WATTERS: She's a big girl. I think she can take it.

KATIE PAVLICH, CO-HOST: Her feelings, yes. There are lots of feelings in that -- that piece that she did, the interview. But I just find it so interesting that there's never any personal responsibility or apologies. If you really love the FBI that much, you should be concerned about your unprofessional behavior damaging the reputation among a majority of Americans who are now concerned about the FBI doing things that are untoward and that they shouldn't be doing ethically or illegally. She says, "I didn't do anything illegal." Well, it doesn't mean you didn't do anything wrong. But I'm not surprised that she decided to come out two weeks before the FISA report, a week before to the day this piece comes out. Tweets it. It's a formula. He started a Twitter account, just like James Comey --

WATTERS: Right.

PAVLICH: -- Peter Strzok, Andy McCabe. You then paint yourself as a victim. This piece does exactly that by saying the president hijacked her text messages and used them to fuel his deep state conspiracy theory. You start a Go Fund Me page, and you get hundreds of thousands of dollars, and then you get a book deal, and then you maybe get a TV contract, and it goes on from there. So, there are benefits to doing this type of thing and not staying quiet as expected.

GUTFELD: If she's not on The View by Friday, I will eat Jesse as a hair piece.

WATTERS: This is real.

GUTFELD: No, I don't -- I'll eat it anyway.

WILLIAMS: It's another conspiracy.

PAVLICH: It's a deep state conspiracy.

WATTERS: What do you think, Dana?

PERINO: Well, I think, from a communications standpoint, from her standpoint, she's playing the cards that she has the best that she can. So, everyone's going to try to survive in this situation, and so everybody gets a -- gets a say. The president is not shy about what he wants to say about her. And if he -- if they thought, she and the people that she was Tweeting about -- that's a good point, to look at who is following her --

GUTFELD: Yeah.

PERINO: -- and who was Tweeting that I should have done that, because it does amplify it. But it's a pretty small circle, that's amplifying. I -- who knows -- when this actually comes out, we're going to be in the middle of another impeachment week. There'll be something else. But already you start to see some people that support President Trump saying, "The Horowitz report, not that important. We're focused on the Durham report."

WATTERS: Right.

PERINO: The Durham report because the Horowitz report only looks at DOJ and the FBI. That's all it's allowed to look at. The Durham report is broader and looked at the CIA [unintelligible].

WATTERS: And Horowitz can't subpoena anybody. All right. You mentioned impeachment. President Trump firing back at the impeachment spectacle and vowing not to participate in this week's House judiciary hearing on Wednesday.

Donald Trump: So, the Democrats, the radical left Democrats, the do-nothing Democrats decided when I'm going to NATO -- this was set up a year ago -- that when I'm going to NATO, that was the exact time -- this is one of the most important journeys that we make as president. And for them to be doing this and saying this, and putting an impeachment on the table, which is a hoax to start off, it will never end it because they want to do what they want to do as they're getting killed in their own districts.

WATTERS: All right, Juan, you were back at home and in your district during -- during Thanksgiving. What was the buzz out there about impeachment?

WILLIAMS: Not much.

WATTERS: Yeah, I noticed the same thing.

WILLIAMS: Yeah. Not much. But I will say in response to this, you know, he -- he acts as if, oh, I'm going off to NATO, which is an important thing, but that's somehow supposed to mean that we can't enforce the Constitution of the United States? This is a guy -- I mean, he wants to somehow focus on the process because he can't deal with the facts that bribery, obstruction of justice meets the standard for impeachment. So, he's trying to tell his folks, "Oh, you know, I'm so busy. I'm Bill Clinton back in --" look, Bill Clinton, for all his busyness, he got impeached by Newt Gingrich. And remember what I said to you last week --

WATTERS: [affirmative]

WILLIAMS: -- bill Clinton, at most, 29 percent of Americans thought, yeah, Bill Clinton should be impeached. With this guy, it's 50 percent who think he should be impeached and removed.

GUTFELD: But those are the -- that's the same number that's always been hating Trump from day one. It hasn't actually moved. I don't blame Trump for not wanting to participate. It's like asking a tree to participate in a wood chipping. If I had my way, I would like to vow not to participate in this next week because the Democrats are leading the media by the nose on this story. That's all this is; to flood the zone with these hearings.

WATTERS: And how do you see the pictures, Dana? You see the president of the United States with the first lady touching down in London as he participates in these NATO meetings while, on the other hand, you have little Jerry Nadler running this impeachment hearing. There's a -- kind of a different dynamic, I think.

PERINO: So, I think that the Trump White House is justified in complaining about the timing. And I don't think, however, that the Democrats even thought to look at the calendar. I don't think that that was on their mind. They are on a different time track. They want to finish impeachment --

WATTERS: Yeah.

PERINO: -- before the end of the year.

WATTERS: No, the fast track.

PERINO: So, they're looking at the dates that way. And I think when they first heard the criticism about doing this in coordination -- at the same time as NATO, they might have been a little surprised. I think the president has a good point. He's there to represent America. It doesn't help if the president, all of the press is constantly focusing on, is he upset? Is he going to resign? Is he going to mad? What's he going to Tweet about? Because he has important business. And remember, there was a terrorist attack just on Friday in the UK. And the Western civilization, the nations that are there to talk -- the NATO nations, they have important work to do.

WATTERS: Very important. All right, Katie, last word.

PAVLICH: I agree with Dana.

PERINO: Okay.

GUTFELD: Good last words.

WATTERS: Excellent, all right. Sleepy Joe Biden mocked for his outdated "no malarkey" bus tour. Greg's got that next on The Five.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

GUTFELD: So, Joe Biden's hit the road in a bus with the slogan "No Malarkey" across its side. I guess "Dag nab it, where are my dang trousers" was a bit too long.

PERINO: [laughs]

GUTFELD: But what a time travel machine it is, the slogan conjuring up a time when old men wore fedoras, smoked on trains, and worked through a heart attack. So, is it meant to bring back images of the good old days, which for many it isn't? I mean, the last time men used "malarkey" as an adjective, it was probably to describe giving the right to vote to women. Or maybe adopting Biden's most obvious flaw is the point. Should we remind you of someone's granddad wandering the local hardware store? But is that so bad, especially when clips of these keep surfacing?

Joe Biden: And by the way, you know I sit on the stand and I get hot. I got a lot of, I got hairy legs that turn, that turn blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down --

[LAUGHTER]

-- so, it was straight and then watch the hair come back up again.

[LAUGHTER]

They'd look at it. So, I learned about roaches. I learned about roaches. I learned about kids jumping on my lap. And I love kids jumping on my lap.

PERINO: Oh god.

[LAUGHTER]

GUTFELD: Thanks for that filthy crap. That was from two years ago. No idea what it means, but that's Joe. Every story feels like a dream retold by a pre-teen in pajamas, a connection of words excitedly released in no particular order or any known language. He's still up in the polls, yet there's a sense he's heading straight into the path of an orange tornado. So, how does he turn his darn tooting jalopy around? Maybe he doesn't have to. Fact is, Biden isn't really the party's nominee, impeachment is. The hearings are their answer to Trump rallies. The only thing that gives the Dems a hope above desperation that they might get Trump out of office, with or without gramps waving his cane at the kids on the lawn. So, Biden may seem out of time in more ways than one, but at least on tour he'll have plenty of jawbreakers to give to the kids, even if they smell like mothballs.

All right. We went out on the streets, sent a couple of producers out into the street today -- mainly because it was snowing, and I wanted to make them feel bad -- to find out if anybody knows what malarkey means.

MALE SPEAKER: Joe Biden has launched a "No Malarkey" bus tour. We wanted to ask, "What is malarkey?"

MALE SPEAKER: [bleep]

MALE SPEAKER: I have no clue.

MALE SPEAKER: It's just a bunch of junk.

MALE SPEAKER: I have no idea.

MALE SPEAKER: B.S.?

MALE SPEAKER: That's a big word. I'm not sure I'm supposed to be able to understand that one.

FEMALE SPEAKER: I have no idea.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Malarkey is something that may or may not be true, but it's enhanced.

MALE SPEAKER: It's just a bunch of nonsense.

FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know.

MALE SPEAKER: It's a crazy phrase that Joe Biden is using to help him get elected. It's not going to work.

MALE SPEAKER: What is malarkey?

FEMALE SPEAKER: I have no idea.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Monkey business.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Baloney?

FEMALE SPEAKER: That's hogwash.

MALE SPEAKER: I don't have a clue. Malarkey? How would you spell that?

[LAUGHTER]

GUTFELD: Jesse, how would you grade the man on the streets?

WATTERS: Needed some movie clips in there.

[LAUGHTER]

[CROSSTALK]

PAVLICH: Some [unintelligible] traps, too.

WATTERS: I think I --

[CROSSTALK]

PERINO: [laughs]

WATTERS: -- I thought it was fun. You know, the more I can think, I'm just enjoying watching a failed presidential campaign happen in real time, because this is what we're witnessing. So, I think we just need to take a moment and enjoy the moment, because this is what a failing presidential campaign looks like. At least he's doing on brand with malarkey. I mean, he's known as kind of a goofy, back-slapping, throwback. He kind of plagiarized the John McCain -- what was that bus's name?

WILLIAMS: Straight Talk?

WATTERS: Straight Talk Express. I mean, he's doing the best he can. But you know, when he talks about the record player, or corn pop, or clipping coupons, everyone's like, "Wait. Is this guy in touch with reality?" And that clip you played about kids stroking his wet leg hair --

GUTFELD: Yeah.

WATTERS: -- at the pool? Not only that, but also this week there's a photograph of him sucking on his wife's finger, like that --

GUTFELD: Thank you, Jesse.

WATTERS: -- which is cute, but really weird. And then, did you see the picture of him trying to get the guy's attention at the diner?

PERINO: Yeah [laughs].

WATTERS: And the guy's just sitting there watching the football game, no idea the VP is there. So, this guy's way out of touch. And you know, Trump's up on everything compared to him.

GUTFELD: Well, Juan, I think you need to respond and point out that, obviously, he's still a commanding lead in the polls, right?

WILLIAMS: No, I have an issue with you.

GUTFELD: [laughs]

WILLIAMS: I am so upset because I'm a grandfather and you were going after him as a grandpa. Well, you know what? Us old folks, us old coots, you know --

[LAUGHTER]

-- like, you know, we're still in the game. But anyway, so what, so what? You guys would have preferred, like, horse feathers?

GUTFELD: Oh, I like that.

WILLIAMS: You like that? You like it?

GUTFELD: I like horse feathers.

WILLIAMS: Or baloney? You like baloney?

GUTFELD: Baloney. Enough with the baloney.

WILLIAMS: I know. But I mean, as I recall, having once been on John McCain's Straight Talk Express, it was a hit. People and reporters thought it was an opportunity to get time with the candidate.

GUTFELD: Well, they understood it. Most of the people there understood it.

WILLIAMS: Yeah. I mean, I just think when I listen -- especially, I listen to my man Jesse here, I think, you know, I think Republicans are worried about Joe Biden [unintelligible].

[CROSSTALK]

You call it a family campaign, but the guy's doing pretty good.

WATTERS: All right, in a year --

PAVLICH: Not in Iowa.

WATTERS: -- we'll see if the campaign was successful.

WILLIAMS: Yeah, but I'm saying he's undergone all these attacks on the Ukraine, on his son --

GUTFELD: And the hair plugs?

WILLIAMS: -- and he's still doing good.

GUTFELD: [laughs]

PAVLICH: Yeah. Well, he's not doing so well in Iowa. So, he's trailing behind Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders. So, look, he's talking to his people. Young people don't drive out the vote, older people do. People who know what the term malarkey means. They're going to the ones voting for him. And I actually think it's a good move because, if you don't know what it means, you can google it as a young person and find out exactly what it is.

MALE SPEAKER: That's true.

PAVLICH: You see Joe Biden's bus, don't know what the word means, and it gets a lot of attention.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PAVLICH: So, good for him. But he should stop with the leg hair stories.

[LAUGHTER]

GUTFELD: Yes, the leg hair stories were a bit creepy.

PAVLICH: We don't need any more of that.

GUTFELD: Dana, I'm pro-malarkey.

PERINO: I love old sayings.

GUTFELD: You do, yeah.

PERINO: I like them. I kind of --

GUTFELD: Corny jokes.

PERINO: -- [unintelligible] them. I like -- yes, corny jokes. I think -- okay. So, I think he could, he maybe could get through Iowa, or at least through Super Tuesday, even if he doesn't win Iowa. So, he may get there. Maybe it -- let's say he does. His vice-presidential choice would be really important.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: What did John McCain try to do? He went with somebody younger and somebody – like a generational change. He went with Sarah Palin, someone very exciting. Of course, that didn't end up working out for that campaign, but it did give John McCain a boost. And perhaps what Joe Biden is thinking, this is me thinking -- this is maybe what they're thinking. The Democrats need somebody to be in a holding pattern for 2020. Because they cannot figure out what their agreed upon coalition is until 2024. The fight between the far left and the progressives and the moderates is not going to get resolved in 60 days before the Iowa vote. So perhaps Biden just calms the seas, gets through one term while they try to figure out what they're going to do in 2024.

GUTFELD: Interesting.

PERINO: Like a rebuilding term, not rebuilding year.

WILLIAMS: What about J.W. and J.W. Jesse Waters for president, and I could be his vice president.

GUTFELD: I would vote for that. A unity ticket.

PERINO: -- definitely get impeached.

GUTFELD: All right. Growing outrage in the UK after it's revealed that the Islamist London attacker was released early from prison. So were his friends.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

WILLIAMS: Growing outrage after that deadly terror attack in London that claimed the lives of two people, it turns out the man responsible was a convicted terrorist. He'd been released early from jail halfway through his 16-year sentence. Osman Khan was convicted in 2012 on the terrorism charges at the time of that this attack, he had been wearing an electronic monitoring device. Now, officials saying Khan was just one of 74 convicted terrorists that have been released early. Jesse, I was struck by this because it just seemed so outrageous to me. And so, I looked, and it said that he pled guilty to taking part in an al-Qaeda style attack way back when. Got 16 years plus five years of parole or whatever, and then appealed it. And it boiled down to the eight years that he served. And what it what they call a license in Britain, where you wear an electronic tag and you also have to go in for some kind of training. But the idea is he was free to commit this --

WATTERS: Right. I mean, the British need to get their act together. This guy pled guilty to trying to assassinate Boris Johnson to try to bomb the London Stock Exchange, recruit people to a Pakistan training facility and fundraise for al-Qaeda. And he's roaming around London murdering people with an ankle bracelet. I mean, there's people that spend more time in prison in Great Britain for tax evasion. You know, you can't fight the war on terror with ankle bracelets and rehab. Rehab is for drug addicts and alcoholics. It is not for religious fanatic killers. This guy did appeal, Juan. And Lord Justice Levinson, whoever he is, let this guy have a parole opportunity. And there he is seven years later, walking around, killing people. Great Britain has to shoulder some of this blame because they did let it happen. It's a huge political scandal.

WILLIAMS: Katie, just going back to what Jesse's talking about, the argument was, well, he has very little capacity to go to Pakistan and create some kind of al-Qaeda camp, that this was all a fantasy. And of course, what we see is he was working alone. There was no group of people involved in any terrorist unit that led to the attack--.

PAVLICH: In the age of lone wolf terrorism and all that we know about Islamic terrorism and jihad, there is no excuse to release someone like this at all. Ankle bracelet or not, there are people who are innocent who lost their lives as a result of this decision. And it just proves again that they're still stuck on this idea that rehab is the option, because this is not an ideology. This is not a religious fundamentalism that has to be confronted and instead it can be changed, changed through some kind of programing or discussion. That's just not true and we see it over and over and over again. This is the reason why we have Gitmo. There is a reason why we put these people in these places far away where they cannot hurt other people. And this is only going to be a continuing issue as ISIS people continue to come back to places in Europe. And these governments have a choice: keep these guys in jail or let them out on the streets. You've seen the consequences. And especially after this, there's no excuse for it further.

WILLIAMS: Greg, no parole board activity.

GUTFELD: Really?

WILLIAMS: They didn't have any role in this. I mean, he was -- it was just automatic.

GUTFELD: So this is interesting to me because the English media, they love to trash the United States on our rates of violence and how grim our streets are. One of the men who stopped this terrorist was also a murderer who strangled and slit the throat of a young girl and left her to die in the woods. That's one of the heroes. So, you had a terrorist and a murderer, not in the same country, not in the same city, but on the same streets, at the same event -- the rehab the rehab conference. So that's worse than -- I would be willing to bet -- that that's worse than any street, any public street in the United States. That street, okay? So, here's the lesson: one's a hero, one's obviously a villain. Criminals who are terrorists can't be treated the same as criminals who aren't terrorists. Because, like you said, a terrorist is a death cult -- will employ the treats, the tricks to reach heaven, which means they trick the rehab conference into making them believe that he was rehabbing when in fact he had the fake suicide vest and planned this. So this event shows that maybe one can rehab, but one can't. And meanwhile, all of his terror pals are still free. This other guy is free.

WILLIAMS: You mean the 74.

GUTFELD: Yeah, the 74. But it's insane that they had this rehab conference on a street among innocent people that. Is the most dangerous street in the history of the world [unintelligible].

WILLIAMS: So, they -- you know, coming back to something Katie was talking about, I wonder, can you really de-radicalize somebody, because they say they have these training sessions, including the one he was attending, in order to de-radicalize these people. But should we have trust in that?

PERINO: I would have to-- I don't know. I think that you would have to trust authorities and intelligence officials. I mean, that take -- it's a lot of resources to try to figure that out. They're talking about several of these 74 being actually sent back to prison. And they have an election coming up next week, Forest Johnson and Jeremy Corbin. Apparently, this has been a very -- a big distraction. But I also think it's very good that it's happened -- well, I'm not -- I'm not -- of course it's not good it's happened. I'm glad that there is an election because it focuses the mind. And we need the British as well as our other NATO allies to be thinking as well as the United States about how we continue to fight this generational war against terror.

GUTFELD: What about the tusk? We need to talk about the tusk and how -- the guy was stopped with a -- with a narwhal tusk. I don't even know what a narwhal is.

WILLIAMS: Yeah, it's a whale.

PAVLICH: Yeah, it's the unicorn dolphin.

GUTFELD: I don't know if it's real.

PAVLICH: It's like a whale. Yes, it is.

WILLIAMS: All right.

PAVLICH: I've seen it.

WILLIAMS: A report -- you've seen it. Okay, a reporter for Newsweek fired after publishing an inaccurate story about President Trump's Thanksgiving schedule. Now the question, was the firing justified? We're going to debate that right here on "The Five" next.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

PAVLICH: A reporter for Newsweek has been fired after publishing an article that said President Trump would be "Tweeting, golfing, and more on Thanksgiving," before it was revealed that the president was making an unannounced visit to Afghanistan. That reporter has apologized and is insisting her editors told her to write that article. And just breaking within the last three hours, Newsweek confirming that a second employee has been penalized, and unnamed editor has been demoted.

PERINO: Oh, that's ridiculous.

PAVLICH: So, Dana, over to you since you --

PERINO: First of all, the editor -- I mean, I don't know what happened. I will -- twitter is not good for -- it doesn't enhance anybody. It's kind of fun. You can keep up with the news on it. But if it leads to your firing because you are -- and I would tend to believe her, that her editors were like, "Why don't you go write this up," because that's what Newsweek is all about right now. Now, should she have hedged? Yes, because you're heading into a holiday season.

PAVLICH: Right.

PERINO: They had a very good head fake. Vice President Pence went to Iraq. And it was like, "Oh, wow, he went to Iraq to celebrate Thanksgiving early with their families." And this White House is so good about keeping a secret. Like, nobody knew. She could have hedged and said, "Of course, you never know. You know, stay tuned. We'll see what happens." but then -- but the second person that's fired, or demoted, gets to be unnamed?

PAVLICH: [affirmative]

PERINO: I think that's wrong.

PAVLICH: Yeah. So, Greg, the day before Thanksgiving, the White House sends out the official schedule for the president the day before, and it said that he had a 3:00 p.m. phone call with military members around the world. That obviously didn't happen because he went to Afghanistan. But that also wasn't mentioned. It was simply presented as "golf and turkey," right? So --

GUTFELD: Yeah. Well, it's -- this is a double scoop of evidence of why the media is disgusting and why nobody trusts them. One, they created the fake news. They assigned the fake news. Two, they fire the writer who they told to do the fake news --

WATTERS: Right.

GUTFELD: -- to cover their asses. I don't think you could find a more spineless action than that. They should just be despised. And the only -- and the only reason why they got caught is because the real story got reported. If the real story wasn't reported --

PAVLICH: Right.

GUTFELD: -- Newsweek would have kept publishing the lie. I think the people that got fired, they should sue Newsweek and then buy it for a dollar. I don't think it's actually -- and then close it down, put it out of its misery. We were talking at the break how much we loved Newsweek growing up. It -- you couldn't even use it to wipe an animal's bottom.

PAVLICH: Ooh. Jesse. Should she have been fired?

WATTERS: Sure. You know, why not? Cut her loose. They needed a fall guy or a fall girl. Someone's got to take the heat here, and it's not the editor, because the editor said, "Get the story done before Thanksgiving." So, she just did what she was told. The editor can't take the fall. He's the editor.

GUTFELD: No, he should for that.

WATTERS: But he won't because he's the boss. The boss never is accountable.

GUTFELD: He should be fired.

WATTERS: -- to fire some underling.

PERINO: I want to know if the -- the guy who got demoted, if that person is male or female.

PAVLICH: Yeah.

PERINO: I want to know.

WATTERS: Ooh, playing the gender card. Controversial.

PERINO: I'm going to play that card right now.

PAVLICH: You have spent a lot of time -- and the reporter who got fired actually has a long history of working in a number of organizations and has awards and et cetera. But, Juan, you've spent a lot of time in newsrooms throughout your lifetime. Should she have been fired over this, considering she assumed the president would be golfing, she assumed he would be doing these things, but wasn't confirmed through any official source that those were the things he would be doing.

WILLIAMS: Right. But she was assigned to write a story for a weekend. So, you know, if you're going into a big weekend like we just did Thanksgiving weekend --

PAVLICH: Right.

WILLIAMS: -- you have a bunch of days coming up, everything, front page stories, those front page stories aren't written the day before. Typically, they're written like a week before, and they've been assigned. So, the White House didn't announce that he was going on this trip. What they released, she wrote about and made fun of it for her audience.

PAVLICH: That's not the problem, though. She's a reporter.

WILLIAMS: Well, no, No, I think the problem --

PAVLICH: She's not supposed to be assuming --

WILLIAMS: -- is they did update the headline, Katie. They did update the headline. He's golfing, he's doing this, and he went to -- so I thought, "Well, what's the problem here?" If you update it, if you say, "We were wrong," we were wrong.

PAVLICH: Okay.

WILLIAMS: But why you fire her, I don't -- unless you're just --

GUTFELD: Covering her butt --

WILLIAMS: Yeah. That's what --

GUTFELD: -- their butt.

WILLIAMS: That's all I can think of.

PERINO: I think she'll get hired by someone else right away.

GUTFELD: But it just shows you --

WILLIAMS: Yeah, but why did they do that? That seemed to me to be punishing somebody who's doing their job.

PAVLICH: Yeah, okay.

GUTFELD: Bias is so underlying that they didn't even think that it could be a different story.

PAVLICH: Yeah, well, speaking of bias, so, Jesse Bloomberg recently announced that they're not going to be investigating Michael Bloomberg now that he is running for president. But they're still going to investigate the Trump campaign and the Trump administration. So, the Trump campaign today said, "All right, no more access for Bloomberg reporters if you're obviously not going to be fair to us."

WATTERS: Good. They're not reporters, they're private investigators. If you're only investigating one political party and not the other, you're a private eye.

[LAUGHTER]

Take the credentials away. I don't see a problem with it all. I just think it's funny how they actually think that the fair thing to do is only investigate Trump.

[LAUGHTER]

That was their decision. It's crazy.

PAVLICH: Juan, is that a fair thing for the Trump campaign to do, sine they're openly stating they're not going to fairly cover --

WILLIAMS: No, it's not --

PAVLICH: -- both sides?

WILLIAMS: -- it's not about fair, Katie. This is about politics.

PAVLICH: Is about journalism?

WILLIAMS: I don't think it's about journalism.

PAVLICH: And reporting?

WILLIAMS: I think it's about politics. Remember, Trump, I think he took away credentials from Politico, The Washington Post, and the Des Moines Register in 2016at some point, right? He just said, "I don't like the way you're covering me." And I think that's what we're seeing here. This is an opportunity to bash the media, and that plays well with the Trump crowd.

PAVLICH: Greg, do you love this move by campaign?

GUTFELD: I thought it was hilarious and fair, because they have done Bloomberg, they revealed an absurd bias, an absurd bias. Rather than say, "We're going to, we're going to investigate our boss and all the Democrats," they just said, "No, we'll just do that and focus on Trump." Imagine if the, if the right had pulled something like that. I think Bloomberg should probably sever ties with his --

PAVLICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: -- media company --

PERINO: Yeah.

GUTFELD: -- until he stops running. That's the best -- and then they can investigate him. That seems to be the most fair thing.

PERINO: It is, it is absolutely the most fair thing. And the consequences of him not being willing to make that decision are that a lot of people who are good reporters at Bloomberg are being punished.

PAVLICH: Right.

PERINO: Or, and they'll probably end up leaving.

PAVLICH: Yeah [unintelligible].

GUTFELD: And then the woman from Newsweek can go work for them.

WATTERS: There you go.

[LAUGHTER]

PAVLICH: Okay. We solved all the world's problems today in the media world. Don't go anywhere, the Fastest 7 is next.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

PERINO: Welcome back. Time for the Fastest 7. First up, now for some in-flight drama that's really taking off. A woman forcing a flight to return after police say she faked an illness to get a better seat. The passenger reportedly asked the crew for a bigger seat at the beginning of that flight, and when she was denied she suddenly fell ill. The crew realizing she was faking it, once they got back to the airport, and then police took her into custody. And she was only going, Katie, on a 45-minute flight.

PAVLICH: Banned for life from all flights.

[CROSSTALK]

From all flights. Nope. Crazy.

PERINO: How mad would you be, Juan, --

PAVLICH: She ruined everyone else's flight.

PERINO: -- if you were on the flight and you had to return --

PAVLICH: [negative]

PERINO: -- to the airport?

WILLIAMS: This is, this is worse than that guy or woman who put their feet up on the --

PERINO: That is worse. It is worse.

WILLIAMS: -- this is so selfish.

PERINO: What would you have done, Jesse?

WATTERS: I would have done nothing. She was institutionalized, Dana. I mean, this is really not something that we should be making fun of.

WILLIAMS: Wow.

PERINO: Is that what we're going for?

WATTERS: Yeah, that's what we're going for.

PERINO: I didn't know that she was -- she was institutionalized?

WATTERS: She was institutionalized.

PERINO: Before?

WATTERS: I researched this and she was institutionalized after she faked the illness.

PERINO: She did get taken in, when she was taken into custody -- they have a thing called the Baker's Act in Florida, so that -- she was interviewed. Maybe she has a mental health problem.

WATTERS: Thank you, Dana.

PERINO: Are you trying to get me?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't know whether to believe him. Should [unintelligible] --

[CROSSTALK]

GUTFELD: No, no, no. He's actually right.

WATTERS: He's actually right.

GUTFELD: I have it in my notes.

[CROSSTALK]

They put her in a psychiatric hold. So clearly, this wasn't normal behavior. It wasn't normal. Nobody's going to want, demand a plane turn around because they have a big seat. So, it's obvious she had some, she had some mental problems and that's why they didn't also list her in the -- you don't know her name.

PAVLICH: Okay, fine. I take it back now.

[LAUGHTER]

[CROSSTALK]

WATTERS: I tried to warn everybody.

PAVLICH: You're not banned for life.

PERINO: All right. Next, it's the end of a crusade on proper punctuation. The Apostrophe Protection Society, a British group that has fought to preserve the correct usage of apostrophes has folded. The founder, 96 years old, says he's closing up shop because in this day and age "ignorance and laziness have won in the war on correct grammar." He's 96 and he said he had to cut back on his commitments, Greg. I am, I do think appropriate apostrophes are important.

GUTFELD: Well, here's the deal: He's 96, right?

PERINO: [affirmative]

GUTFELD: There's only so much time left in the world. You cut out the apostrophes, you save maybe 13 minutes of typing. I saw what he did.

[LAUGHTER]

He wanted to go out and enjoy his life a little more. Screw the apostrophes.

PERINO: Yeah, he said --

GUTFELD: You don't need them anymore.

PERINO: -- it's an apostrophe catastrophe.

GUTFELD: Oh.

WATTERS: I need to talk to this guy because Watters' World, we have an apostrophe afterwards and I'm not so sure about it.

PERINO: That's correct.

WATTERS: Do you think so?

WILLIAMS: That's good.

PERINO: Yes.

WILLIAMS: That's possessive.

WATTERS: [unintelligible] could be eliminated?

PAVLICH: No.

PERINO: No.

[CROSSTALK]

WATTERS: It's mandatory?

PERINO: No, keep it.

WATTERS: Keep it?

PERINO: Yeah.

WATTERS: All right.

PERINO: Juan, what do you think?

WILLIAMS: I think he needs something to do.

GUTFELD: [laughs]

WILLIAMS: He's bored. You know, look, of course it's right. But I mean, it's like when I read judgment and I see someone's put an E in there. I think --

PERINO: It drives you crazy.

WILLIAMS: -- it makes me nuts.

PERINO: Also, on signs, people mess up the apostrophe all the time.

WILLIAMS: All the time.

GUTFELD: But that's saving on paint.

PAVLICH: An apostrophe can change the meaning of a sentence or a phrase in a bad way --

[CROSSTALK]

-- so, you really got to use them correctly.

GUTFELD: It's an extra keystroke that you don't need.

PERINO: Oh. I can't believe that you, the former editor, saying that. I thought you would at least be on my side on that.

GUTFELD: Times have changed.

[CROSSTALK]

PERINO: All right. Finally, this next one could have Cat-astrophic [spelled phonetically] -- whatever --

GUTFELD: [laughs]

PERINO: -- consequences to mankind. Researchers confirming that our feline friends do, in fact, have facial expressions; but we humans, we're just terrible at interpreting them. Right? Well, let's go to Animals Are Great. What do you think? This is true or not?

GUTFELD: Oh, cat face. I thought it was cat feces.

WATTERS: Oh, Greg.

PERINO: [unintelligible]

GUTFELD: Yeah, forget my notes. Oh no, cats have a million expressions. But they only choose one and that is of disdain.

PERINO: [laughs]

GUTFELD: Because they conserve their energy by being eternally disappointed, like me.

PERINO: But dogs have more facial expressions than that.

WATTERS: Yeah, but I don't think anybody can read facial expressions. I'm thinking about something really disgusting right now.

GUTFELD: [laughs]

WATTERS: And you can't tell. You should -- if you had any idea what I was thinking, and my face is normal. You don't know.

[LAUGHTER]

PAVLICH: Oh god.

GUTFELD: It's so true. That's Jesse's life.

PAVLICH: I don't look cats in the eye because I'm afraid they're going to take me to the underworld somehow.

PERINO: Oh, I do like cats. People thought from the Thanksgiving show that I didn't like sand cats. I do, I like cats. My sister has for rescue cats.

WILLIAMS: I don't have any trouble reading -- I don't bother reading cats expression because they can claw, they can hiss, they can arch their backs.

GUTFELD: That's gross when they do that.

WILLIAMS: The way they can jump at you. I mean, you know how they're feeling. So, I don't thing is a mystery.

PERINO: -- cats that want to eat you.

WATTERS: You don't want to know, Dana.

PERINO: Is it so bad?

WATTERS: You'd have to bleep it.

PERINO: One More Thing is up next.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

WATTERS: Time now for One More Thing. So, two months ago, we had a mystery Oreo where we all tried to bite the Oreo and find out what the mystery flavor was. Remember?

GUTFELD: It's people. It's people.

WATTERS: All right. You're not going to be 50,000.

WILLIAMS: Is it cinnamon and ginger?

WATTERS: Gingerbread!

PAVLICH: It does take like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

WATTERS: It's gingerbread. All right.

PAVLICH: I think it could be carrot cake, but --

WILLIAMS: Wait, they didn't tell you?

WATTERS: No. It's a mystery, Juan. [LAUGHTER]

GUTFELD: I'm seated the same way.

WATTERS: Okay. So, we guessed everything, and here's what it was. Churro flavor.

GUTFELD: Ooh! I like Churro.

PAVLICH: I might have got that.

WATTERS: Pretty close. I mean, carrot cake was not close, but everything else, like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, gingerbread, pretty close. Churro --

GUTFELD: What about people?

WATTERS: -- was the mystery [unintelligible] --

PAVLICH: Gingerbread is --

GUTFELD: It was close to people.

PAVLICH: -- not churros.

WATTERS: [unintelligible] unless you know people that taste like churro --

PAVLICH: Johnny guessed it.

WATTERS: Yeah. Johnny guessed it, so he's in the running for 50K.

PAVLICH: I hope he gets it.

GUTFELD: I just noticed I was wearing the exact same thing and seated the exact same way during that segment, as I am now.

PAVLICH: I love consistency.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: All right. Greg, you're up.

GUTFELD: Nothing changes. All right. Let's do one of these things, huh? Welcome back.

Music: Animals are great. Animals are great.

GUTFELD: I want to know how well that special did on Thursday –

Music: Animals are great.

GUTFELD: -- because I know it's going to be great. Hey, you know what? Take a leer at this meerkat.

PAVLICH: Oh, jeez.

GUTFELD: Yes, thank you for the right -- [LAUGHTER] -- you know, this is a great way to warm up after a shower. You see guys in the gym using the blow dryer. I think it's disgusting, but here he's just standing in front of the ol' space heater -- get yourself all warmed up. He's got his little vest on.

[LAUGHTER]

This meerkat knows how to go out in style. He's getting ready for a big night out, yeah.

WATTERS: We have to have a meerkat on "Animals are Great" next time.

GUTFELD: Yeah, we do. We do. They -- [speaking simultaneously]

PAVLICH: Yeah, we could bring them --

GUTFELD: They have no problem standing up, you know?

PAVLICH: -- [inaudible] --

GUTFELD: Yeah.

PAVLICH: They're cool.

GUTFELD: All right. And that's it.

WATTERS: All right.

GUTFELD: There's the [inaudible] –

[music playing]

Animals are great. Animals are great.

GUTFELD: That is so necessary.

WATTERS: Kill the owl.

GUTFELD: Those are great.

WATTERS: From now on, kill the owl.

GUTFELD: We don't have a lot of time. I just like watching all your faces sink when you hear the music.

PAVLICH: Oh, yeah.

PAVLICH: Oh, we love it. Love it.

PAVLICH: [inaudible] --

PERINO: All right. So, tomorrow, it's Giving Tuesday. And I want you to look at Same Sky [spelled phonetically]. This is a really amazing organization. It's a jewelry manufacturer. They have collectives in Rwanda and the United States, and they help women lift themselves out of extreme poverty. Now, I'm going to show you -- can you -- I don't know if you want to see. I wore one of these bracelets -- the one that looks like diamonds here.

PERINO: They're not real diamonds, by the way. Wait --

GUTFELD: There you go.

PERINO: There we go. Anyway. I wore one to a party in Manhattan, and this lady, the host, she said, "Oh, my gosh. Your bracelet is so gorgeous."

GUTFELD: Who was the party --

PERINO: And she thought it was real.

GUTFELD: Who was the party for?

PAVLICH: It's really pretty.

GUTFELD: What was --

PERINO: It was for Bret Baier's book party.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

PAVLICH: She thought it was real, and I said, "No. It's from Same Sky."

GUTFELD: I don't think I was invited to that. Were you invited to that?

WATTERS: No. I was not invited.

PAVLICH: Jesse, I'm sure you were invited.

WATTERS: [unintelligible] Special Report --

PERINO: Well, let me tell you something about --

GUTFELD: Yeah.

PERINO: -- Same Sky. A hundred percent of the company's net proceeds are reinvested to employ more artisans. It was founded with this amazing vision, to help women all over the world, under the same sky.

GUTFELD: Dana, I think it's beautiful and wonderful.

PERINO: They're amazing. All sorts of things for Christmas.

PAVLICH: Really pretty.

GUTFELD: But I don't know the space, so I'm going to have to say I'm out. [LAUGHTER]

PERINO: No, no, no. You should get one for your wife.

PAVLICH: Especially --

GUTFELD: That was my "Shark Tank" reference that nobody got.

PAVLICH: I got it.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PAVLICH: I got it.

WATTERS: We got it.

PAVLICH: I only watch Fox, so I don't know what you're talking about. [LAUGHTER]

WATTERS: Okay. Juan?

WILLIAMS: All right. So, didn't your mom tell you not to play with your food? Apparently, the message never got through to Greg Milano [spelled phonetically]. At Thanksgiving dinner, Greg decided to have fun carving a truck out of his mashed potatoes. His brother Dan recorded Greg using a butter knife to carve a replica of Tesla's new Cybertruck.

[LAUGHTER]

He even scooped out the back, smashed one of the windows. You know, you'll recall –

[LAUGHTER]

WATTERS: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: -- that when Elon Musk unveiled his truck, he tried to show off that it had shatterproof windows, but the windows cracked. So, he did that. As a reward for playing with Thanksgiving dinner, Greg's video has been seen four million times.

WATTERS: Nice.

WILLIAMS: And as you can see, he ended up pouring gravy all over the sculpted truck.

WATTERS: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: Pretty tasty.

PAVLICH: Wow.

WATTERS: Yeah. It runs all the gravy.

PAVLICH: I would rather taxpayer dollars go to the mashed potato truck than to Tesla.

WILLIAMS: Ooh!

WATTERS: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: All right.

PAVLICH: Yes.

WILLIAMS: All right.

PAVLICH: That's what happens when you take a Tesla and act like it's a real truck, into the woods --

WILLIAMS: Ooh.

PAVLICH: It gets buried like that, in gravy.

GUTFELD: [laughs]

PAVLICH: All right. Melania Trump, first lady, has decorated the White House for Christmas. She's decked the halls with a bunch of patriotic decorations. She unveiled this year's elaborate White House Christmas decorations --

PAVLICH: Oh, that's gorgeous --

PAVLICH: -- in a video posted on Twitter on Sunday. She said the spirit of America is shining at the White House. "I am delighted to share this beautiful exhibit of patriotism for all to see, and [unintelligible] for everyone to experience the Christmas season." There is a gold star family tree, adorned with gold stars and patriotic ribbons, in honor of those who have lost an immediate family member while serving in the armed forces. And that is right at the front when you go in to the East Wing to see and visit the White House. So, as we know, she received criticism in the past, but I think that --

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

PAVLICH: -- everyone should enjoy and go visit if you can. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

PAVLICH: But they have a good video too -- like, if you can't -- obviously, not everybody can get to go, but if you go to the video --

PAVLICH: Yeah.

PAVLICH: -- you can see the -- [unintelligible] –

[speaking simultaneously]

GUTFELD: That's a lot of trees.

PAVLICH: That's why they do this.

PAVLICH: Hundreds of trees.

PAVLICH: So people can go see it and see how beautiful it is. And there's the White House.

WATTERS: I wonder how Newsweek --

PERINO: A gingerbread house --

WATTERS: -- is going to cover Melania's --

GUTFELD: Yeah, maybe the Daily Beast will get Molly --

WATTERS: -- decorations.

GUTFELD: -- Zhang [spelled phonetically] fast to do a piece on this.

PAVLICH: Well, people in the Washington Post are already saying -- [LAUGHTER] -- it's too much.

WATTERS: Who's Molly Zhang Fast?

GUTFELD: [laughs] The one who wrote --

WILLIAMS: I don't know if it's too opulent, because it's the White House.

PERINO: It's beautiful.

WILLIAMS: It should be beautiful. And much better than that dark thing that they had, the --

PERINO: It's great.

WATTERS: Juan, careful! [LAUGHTER]

PAVLICH: [inaudible] --

PAVLICH: Merry Christmas.

PAVLICH: Are you starting a war on Christmas?

WILLIAMS: No -- [unintelligible]. I'm the one that was defending Christmas. I --

WATTERS: All right.

WILLIAMS: -- tell you; I didn't like that dark stuff.

PERINO: It looks beautiful, so --

WATTERS: Okay.

PERINO: -- thank you, Melania.

WATTERS: Very beautiful.

PAVLICH: Merry Christmas, everyone.

WATTERS: All right. Set your DVRs, never miss an episode of "the Five." "Special Report" is up next. Hey, Bret.

BRET BAIER, FOX NEWS: Jesse, you and Greg are welcome on "Special Report" anytime.

GUTFELD: We're coming!

WATTERS: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Road trip.

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