Greg Gutfeld reveals leftover jokes from this week
'Gutfeld!' panel discusses jokes given a second chance in Friday's edition of 'Greg's Leftovers'
This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on September 17, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Keep clapping. Happy Friday, everyone. Or as Kat likes to call it, why am I in handcuffs?
So, something weird is going on this vaxxed versus unvaxxed narrative. As if they're jousting in the park like a low rent version of medieval times.
Like it's something you could bet on with your bookie. Is it real?
I mean, we're Americans with families and within families, there are disagreements. From sports, to politics, to health. To even easier choices like, should we put mom in assisted living or on a blow-up mattress in the garage? Laughing at mom in the garage.
In your family, there might be someone who smokes or worse doesn't smoke.
Or they might have voted for Bernie Sanders. Maybe they get coffee enemas because Gwyneth Paltrow said so. A shout out to Doocy.
We all laugh at this, but we're respectful. Yet, there's an us versus them narrative being pushed by the White House and the media. And they sound identical. It's like when someone shows up at a party dressed exactly like another guest and everybody asks, hey, did you too call each other? It's exactly what we should be asking Jen Psaki and Don Lemon.
Here is Joe.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Millions of Americans are still unvaccinated. And because of that, their communities are at risk.
Many of us are frustrated with the nearly 80 million Americans who are still not vaccinated.
We have the tools to combat COVID-19 and a distinct minority of Americans are keeping us from turning the corner. What more is there to wait for?
What more do you need to see?
We've been patient but our patience is wearing thin.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That's from a guy who was wrong on everything.
Here is the media.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOY REID, NATIONAL CORRESPONDENT, MSNBC: We begin "The ReadOut" tonight with a message to Republicans. OK, we get it. COVID is the precious and you love it. You love COVID so much you want it to spread into schools, at the office, in the Walmart, on the cruise ships, and at the club.
Most of the people I know who are vaccinated are irritated and really impatient at this point with those who are refusing for whatever reason to do this easy thing to save us from this nightmare pandemic.
DON LEMON, HOST, CNN: The people who are not getting vaccines who are believing the lies on the Internet, instead of science, it's time to start shaming them. What else? Or leave them behind. Because they are keeping the majority of Americans behind.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He is stupid. But what agenda of conflict? These creeps are like America's gym teacher forcing us to play shirts and skins dodgeball, when what we really want to do is play spin the bottle.
It makes you wonder about the other conflicts you saw on T.V. For example, was there really a conflict between all black people and police, police? Or was it largely a narrative created for eyeballs and angst -- eyeballs and Angst. I think I saw them open for Nine Inch Nails.
Or how about rich versus poor? What if the poor don't hate the rich? They just want to be rich and the rich would be thrilled to help because it's not a zero-sum game. But where are the ratings in that? You don't have breaking news every time a plane lands safely. But two -- but put two passengers beating the living -- out of each other on that plane, then come talk to me.
Or how about gender? Do men and women really hate each other? Or our gender differences, what make men and women irresistible to each other? At least that's the case with my female fans. Those grannies can't get enough of this. Call me grannies.
But if you subtract the media's fakery, could it be that we actually all get along, which is deadly for the media? CNN wants you to think that blacks hate whites and whites hate blacks, you make that happen and everyone gets new shoes.
But the moment of hate crime turns out to be false, it's disappeared like someone who hit on Al Capone's wife. Until the vaxxed versus unvaxxed conflict is about as real as an argument over a Rolex on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
The vaccine of unvalued aren't the Hatfields and the McCoys. Unvaxxed girls are not forbidden to marry vaxxed boys. Romeo and Juliet never argued about Ivermectin. It's all a fiction.
The entire vaccine story really and truly is about people deciding when they want to get the vaccine. The media, whoever wants it to be a war, much like this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, WRITER AND COMEDIAN: Thanks, Grant. This is David Rooks from the Chess News Network. We're in New York City where the vaccination debate is tearing couples apart, hopefully.
Here is the young couple now. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir, were you just coming from getting vaccinated?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, no. I just went and got some chips.
DEVITO: Chips, are you saying the vaccine contains microchips?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Honey, who is this guy?
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No --
DEVITO: Are you vaccinated?
TIMPF: No, I just had COVID. So, I have antibodies still. So, my doctor says, I don't really -- I don't need to get it quite yet.
DEVITO: Sir, how do you feel about this woman trying to murder you?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wait, are you putting our family at risk by not being vaccinated?
TIMPF: I'm the mother of your kids.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Not anymore.
TIMPF: I had to drop out of law school to stay home with them, so you can pursue your dream.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Honey, the band is going to make it. You can't stop --
DEVITO: The vaccine debate tearing couples apart. Back to you, Graham.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's like you're -- I'm so sick of this every night -- so pathetic!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I don't know what I like more, Kat shoes or the cameo from the fire engine.
But I've said this before, if Americans fight amongst themselves, the people in power escaped our collective wrath about their own corruption and incompetence. It's why corporations try to be woke, hoping the activists don't realize all the bad stuff they do.
Sure we make underage labor work in horrendous conditions. But we're going to use two trans actors and a Mexican dwarf who's legally blind in the first ad campaign for these sneakers. So, that will get these whiners off our backs.
Since Trump left the White House, CNN no longer has the conflict, and no longer the viewers. There are no more Trump versus never Trumpers, and mysteriously Black Lives Matter just disappeared.
But as their ratings collapse like Hunter Biden on an exhausted hooker, they realized they needed a new war, the vaxxed and unvaxxed which distracts people from the real problems that both Dems and the media worsened. And that's crime, homelessness, the collapse of our social order.
Food prices rising faster than pot seeds in Kat's apartment.
Observing their own complicity, both CNN and Biden craved the divisiveness.
The us versus them would save them. Oh, at first they hated the vaccines under Trump. Now, under Biden, they're positively fascist about the jab.
Trump vaccine bad, Biden vaccine good. Joy Reid, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REID: I understand the hesitancy one. Listen, I was hesitant when Donald Trump was out there controlling the CDC --
(CROSSTALK)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.
REID: And controlling the FDA, and manipulating them.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Right.
REID: And making them put out falsehoods. Anybody rational was hesitant.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Now, it was -- now, it's irrational. Unity is scary because it means the media is at necessary. So, they choreographed their coverage exactly to the Democrats' liking, create dissent among the ranks, so those in power remain so.
And their dissent must be directed at the non-vaxxed, an easy target until you look at them closely and find out who they are. Black suspicious of government medical edicts, women worried about getting pregnant or currently pregnant, young fit people willing to risk getting COVID because they're so damn fit and risk just about everything else.
The immunocompromised and other medically unable to take the vaccine, and undecided people still making up their minds. See, how different they are?
You might even use the media and the Dems' favorite word, diversity.
But in this case, diversity hurts their argument, so, you won't hear that.
But we get it. Joe and CNN are both in freefall. In Joe's case, literally.
Joe needs something to save himself from Afghanistan, CNN needs something to save them from themselves. And that's why they sound exactly the same.
Biden should start every speech with, this is CNN. Because now they're both tainted. They have more contempt for a pregnant woman weighing her vaccine options than the mostly peaceful protesters who killed cops and did $2 billion in damages last summer.
The fact that CNN has even 300 viewers anymore is scarier than running into Wolf Blitzer on a nude beach.
And Joe needs you to blame your neighbor so you don't blame him. It's not his incompetence, it's their stupidity. Some unifier, Yoko Ono did a better job of bringing the Beatles together.
Demonizing the unvaxxed is Joe's ways of inoculating himself from culpability. But sorry, Joe, you are a break through case, the inoculation failed and so did you. Americans going to stick together whether you like it or not.
ANNOUNCER: Period!
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. She is been on retainer since she got her braces off.
Co-host of "OUTNUMBERED", Emily Compagno.
He is like the boy next door if you live next to the Bates Motel. Fox News contributor Tom Shillue.
He is our favorite comic with Joe Machi's not available. Writer, comedian Joe DeVito.
Her version of me-time is 90 days in an ankle monitor. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.
All right. First off, you know, I always have this like packet of stuff.
It's got all the segments in it, and I don't know if you can see this. That somebody wrote on here, Emily rule.
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Don't leave your notes unattended in the green room.
GUTFELD: Right. You know what? This is --
(CROSSTALK)
COMPAGNO: That's the lesson.
GUTFELD: Note, I'm the number one late-night host, Emily. I'm not some -- I'm not somebody you could push around. You make me sick. And for that, you have to sit out the segment.
I'm not asking you a question. You can answer a question, but I'm not going to ask you one. So, let's just pretend I asked you a question. And you go ahead.
COMPAGNO: OK. I totally agree with your monologue, obviously. And I think it's pretty obvious that coming from the top down, these guys, meaning the mainstream media and the president, they're trying to drive a wedge issue between Americans, I would otherwise be unified against this, right?
Because then, it gives us an us versus them in the upcoming 22 and 24 elections. It gives them the enemy, which to them is Republicans, it's the GOP, it's anybody but the virus, it's anybody but themselves, because it distracts as well from Afghanistan, the southern border, homelessness, opioid addiction, every other epidemic and issue in this country that is more important than who they deem has questions.
And the saddest part to me is the fact that we also see coming from the White House, that if you're a celebrity that has questions, then that's legitimate, right? Nicki Minaj is invited to the White House. And they're addressing her questions with the information, which is exactly what you should do.
But if you're an ordinary American, then that's who Biden is angry to, right?
GUTFELD: Right.
COMPAGNO: That the Taliban, he calls challenging, but he says we could -- we should condemn Americans who have questions. He calls the unvaxxed murderers. But he calls the Taliban business-like.
I want a president that stands up for my fellow Americans. That says if you have legitimate questions, let me explain. Here is the information that I think you need to know in this moment. But they're stoking a war so that we'll be angry against one another.
CNN just reported an obituary that a family published when the mother died, and it said she was vaccinated, but she was infected by someone who chose not to be. The cost was her life.
GUTFELD: Yes.
COMPAGNO: I blame that squarely on Biden.
GUTFELD: There you go. Well -- apology, apology accepted.
You know, Joe, while Emily was rattling on.
DEVITO: Yes.
GUTFELD: I have a question for you, is the CNN and Dems cannot exist without strife, right?
DEVITO: Yes.
GUTFELD: If you take strife away, CNN is dead and Biden is then alone with his own faults. Kind of what she said but I said in 10 seconds.
DEVITO: Yes. By the way, I wrote that on your pad. That wasn't Emily.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: Yes, you know, it's such a strange moment were at. Where I used to think the -- when people said I don't know if I should laugh or cry was just a figure of speech.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: And then I hear the White House commenting on Nicki Minaj, his cousin's friend's balls.
GUTFELD: Right.
DEVITO: So, it's so stupid the way they do this. The way that everything has to be with contempt.
GUTFELD: Right.
DEVITO: And anger. And hearing Joe Biden say his he's almost out of patience. True, he's 105 years old.
TIMPF: Yes.
DEVITO: Why not just say to somebody? Why is it you had this hesitation?
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: Let's talk to you about it. That's the way grownups talk to each other. And even here, I mean, if you saw more of that Don Lemon, oh, he is just the worst. He said people don't ask what it is when you get your Botox.
GUTFELD: Right.
DEVITO: Or things injected into your butt. And I -- oh, way to appeal to the common man with that. Hey, you long-haul f****r. You didn't ask those questions when you're -- getting your brow lift in your butt implant. So, it shows that like--
GUTFELD: How did I miss that?
DEVITO: Oh, he's completely out of his mind.
GUTFELD: Oh, God. That is sad. That is amazing, Tom.
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.
GUTFELD: Great, by the way. You can't lose some weight.
SHILLUE: I mean, I don't know if I --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: So svelte. I don't use that. I don't throw the words svelte around lightly. But I'm plastering your body with svelte. So, what's your take on this kind of artificial polarization?
SHILLUE: You pulled a fast one Greg.
GUTFELD: What did I do?
SHILLUE: Well, you sent us the video of the president saying that, you know, essentially (INAUDIBLE) blame at the unvaccinated, and saying we're losing patience. And I got all angry and I was ready to come in here and say, oh, these people, array!
But then you said in your monologue, hey, we have to come together. Most people aren't, you know, it's not an us versus them, and you're so right Greg. So, what am I going to do with all my anger?
GUTFELD: You do aing in your kind of like, serial killing.
SHILLUE: Yes, look, you know what else you sent me in the research? That article from The Atlantic that said not only -- I mean, they said they actually were blaming the unvaccinated, they were saying people who are unvaccinated should get vaccinated but you can't force it.
By forcing them, you make them dig in their heels and it actually does the opposite, and that is so true.
How do you get your children to eat vegetables? You don't force them, you eat vegetables. You -- I eat all the vegetables and I let my kids just sit and eat their mac and cheese. I don't care.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SHILLUE: Eventually, eventually, they will eat their vegetables. That -- the soft sell works. But they don't want to do the soft sell because you know why? They don't really care. They don't care about public health, they care about control. That's what they're doing, they're trying to control people. That's what they get off on.
GUTFELD: Interesting.
SHILLUE: See, I'm getting angry again, Greg.
GUTFELD: You should be. I often -- yes, you know, with my kids.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: They're actually --
(CROSSTALK)
TIMPF: You mean me?
GUTFELD: Yes. Nobody knows that. Kat, final word to you. Just answer it for God's sake. I've run out of questions.
TIMPF: That's OK.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I'm still proud of you. I -- what I've noticed, I got vaccinated in the spring, right? And you remember that because you were really glad that I got it first. You could wait and see if I died before you got it.
GUTFELD: But, you have to understand --
TIMPF: You told me that.
GUTFELD: You have to understand. That is -- that is the common sense approach of everybody in America.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: I'll just wait for my neighbor to get it and see what happens.
Like, I was playing that game with my sister and her husband.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: I was like waiting until they got it and they're still alive.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: I'm sorry. But that's, that's an epiphany.
TIMPF: Yes. So, you're welcome, first of all. Second of all, one thing I noticed is that even though I got it, I -- people haven't stopped calling me stupid.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.
TIMPF: So, it's not like they -- but people in called -- you're stupid -- you're stupid. They have so many of these stems as you pointed out in your monologue. That it's not like people are saying, oh, if we just get this vaccine, then we'll be treated with the respect.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: You've -- they're going to make their own choice. I made my choice.
I'll talk about my choice all day long. I'm paid to talk or I probably wouldn't, but it doesn't work after a while, and so, it's not going to work here.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. You're right, vaxxed or no vaxxed there's still going to hate you. But the bottom line is, is I've had serious discussions with unvaxxed, being vaxxed,
(CROSSTALK)
COMPAGNO: Yes, me too.
GUTFELD: Nothing -- there's no fight. There's no animus. The only animus is online when people write to you angrily, like, you're -- you -- who bought and sold you or scrapped like that. Or it's CNN or it's Biden.
Those are the only entities that are create -- ginning up this discord.
It's not in your family, it's not in your friends because you are family and you are friends, and this is America, and we respect people's decisions, right?
DEVITO: Yes!
GUTFELD: All right. Up next, is running mask less in San Francisco worth the risk go?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: "PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END!"
GUTFELD: Is it safe to run a marathon with your face diaper on? Yes, if long-distance running is your task, you better bring a mask. This week, in San Francisco, marathon runners will be required to wear masks on some portions of the course.
Hell, I'd wear one running through San Francisco too to avoid the flying feces. That's their new baseball team.
I might even wear gloves. I might even wear gloves and a face shield. But some sections of the race are in Golden Gate National Park which is run by the National Park Service, which requires masks in crowded outdoor spaces.
So, runners will need to mask up for about 6.7 miles, which is the exact same distance your grandfather walked to school in the snow as a kid.
Uphill, both ways and in San Fran through piles of syringes. Those who don't comply could be fined or faced disqualification or even death, Tom.
Meanwhile, the NBA, a sports league prejudice against short people will require players to get vaccinated for the upcoming season. Strange. Those who aren't could face strict protocols including having to eat fly and ride in buses in different sections than vaccinated teammates. Paging Jim Crow.
Finally, the number one fan of the GUTFELD! show, Bill Maher called out the liberal media for their part in keeping the country from getting back to normal.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BILL MAHER, HOST, REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER, HBO: 41 percent of Democrats thought it was over 50 percent. Another 28 percent, but it was 20 to 49 percent. So, 70 percent of Democrats thought it was way, way, way higher than it really was.
Liberal media has to take a little responsibility for that, for scaring the
-- out of people. And the reason, you know, I'm bringing this up is because it's much harder for every touring act to sell tickets in blue states.
JIMMY KIMMEL, HOST, ABC: Oh, interesting.
MAHER: They're afraid to go out of the house.
KIMMEL: I see.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
MAHER: Whereas in Red States, it's all good to go. We're doing everything we can, there is distancing, there is masking. Enjoy, live life.
KIMMEL: You did get it --
(CROSSTALK)
MAHER: Embrace life.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I couldn't agree more. It's why I'll be spending all weekend doing this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You guys didn't know I work for Uber. Yes.
Joe, what did you think of that exchange? Is that something that interests you? Or would you like to talk about the marathon?
DEVITO: I think the marathon is amazing because there's under no circumstances where you make me run a marathon. I won't.
If you -- if you see me running a marathon, I couldn't do it wearing an oxygen mask, let alone one of those stupid things.
But the reasoning is so absurd. Because there's a part in it says when you get to the hills where it's tough, then you can take the mask off.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: Yes, when you're breathing really heavy --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: In that crowd of people. Because it shows you how stupid and inconsistent these rules they tried to make here. And then, again, you look at the NBA. The players, they had a good union argue for them. The refs and the people who work there have to wear masks because they do not have a good union.
Meanwhile, the players are out if you're, you know, they're out eating where they want to, they can ride how they want to, they're out impregnating their fans the way they want to, they're living their life.
COMPAGNO: Like I left to --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Too, I'm an -- I'm an equal opportunity impregnator, you don't have to be a fan.
COMPAGNO: Oh, my God.
GUTFELD: Kat, there's so many wrong things in this segment. A, there's more toxic stuff in the air in San Francisco than a virus as we are aware of.
Anybody's worn new shoes in San Francisco probably throws them away once they get home. I don't know where I'm going with this.
TIMPF: Yes, I don't know. I think we really need to be careful.
GUTFELD: Why?
TIMPF: Because you think of a marathon -- typical marathon runner, right?
Elderly, obese person with COPD.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Yes, right.
TIMPF: They could never survive COVID if they did get it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Or there are people outside in peak physical shape that none of us could ever achieve? Like, it's insane. And I just don't understand putting them at risk of something bad happening to them because they do have to wear a mask. And being the kind of person who feels so confident making decisions for other people.
Because I have a hard time making them for myself in case something goes wrong, which means they just might not care that much.
GUTFELD: You know, I don't mind what they do, Tom. That's who I am. If they want to wear a mask while they're running and look like an idiot, go for it. And I mean, just running in general, it makes you look like an idiot.
COMPAGNO: Yes.
GUTFELD: The only time I run is when I'm chased by a giant bear, which means never.
And I mean, the bears from downtown.
DEVITO: Yes.
GUTFELD: And I don't -- and I don't run because I let them catch me. No, no, officer, everything is fine. Mall away.
SHILLUE: I'm sorry. What was -- what was the story now, Greg? I forgot.
GUTFELD: The story --
SHILLUE: OK, no, the -- obviously, it's absurd.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SHILLUE: It's ridiculous. And the problem comes in the requirement because when they interviewed the person who is running this race, I mean, you know, in charge of the race, they seem to make a lot of sense. Their hands were essentially tied because they had these regulations.
The thing is, we look at these things, we see someone with a mask on driving in their car. We say that's absurd. Now they -- now that has gone too far.
GUTFELD: Right.
SHILLUE: And in this, it's obviously dumb to run a race and be putting a mask on in restricted areas and off -- on and off. It's stupid. But you know what else is stupid? Being outside with the mask on?
GUTFELD: Yes.
SHILLUE: You know what a stupid? Masks. Like it is all stupid, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SHILLUE: It's all stupid. So, if you go down that road, you can't help but start doing absurd things like this.
GUTFELD: Yes. It's crazy. It's crazy, Emily. When is it ever going to end?
COMPAGNO: Probably never under this administration.
But you guys, I lived in San Francisco for five years, and the only time that I ran in that city was when I was doing Bay to Breakers. I got into a pickle with a security guard.
GUTFELD: A pickle, you say.
COMPAGNO: While -- yes, while wearing a burlesque tutu running with a beer and a trout. That's why he was chasing me. It was amazing.
But, here is the thing. There's a fine line between incentivizing and punishing. And to me what I'm seeing in these pro-sports leagues, they're punishing those guys.
So, we talked about how the NBA had more relaxed rules, let's say than the NFL. But the Knicks, Nets, and Warriors they all do have to be -- they all have to be vaxxed. And then we talked about how they're separating out the players who are, right?
The NFL is straight up draconian, right? If a -- if a -- if a team has to forfeit a game because of a COVID outbreak, they lose the point and they also have to pay for it. And if you're unvaxxed free agent, you are not allowed to join the team until five days later. Five days is the time between games.
So, you're losing career stats and a paycheck because you are unvaccinated.
Right? It's not -- it's no longer like well, the marathon to run is elective. You are absolutely being ostracized now and prevented from making money.
GUTFELD: Yes. You don't have to compare them to vampires. I mean, draconian really.
All right, coming up, is their list of top songs too darn long?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: While they clean their bongs they listed their favorite songs. Have you ever wondered what's in Rolling Stones' top 500?
Me neither. Rolling Stone renowned for its hard hitting COVID in campus rape hoaxes put out a new list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. The first list came out in 2004 back when Kat was 40. Who cares?
Anyway, Aretha Franklin's "Respect" is the new number one song of all time, unseating Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone." The magazine went woke with its number two pick Public Enemies' "Fight the Power" or as woke as you can get with a song from 1989, the year Rolling Stone editors started collecting Social Security. Other highlights, Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" at number five, much to the dismay of the naked baby on the cover is still suing him. Missy Elliott's "Get Your Freak On" at number eight.
Getting my freak on is what I do best, Emily. I'll send you a video. Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" at a random number 47, most people don't know that's what they call me at the clubs. I can literally dance in your lap. But I'm really surprised this 80s classic only came in at number 398.
I remember that song being so much better. Some things just don't age well.
Being up top. You have said to me in the past that rock music is devil music.
TOM SHILLUE, COMEDIAN: Yes, it comes straight from Satan himself.
GUTFELD: Right. That's true.
SHILLUE: Yes.
GUTFELD: Does that keep you from listening to it?
SHILLUE: Especially because, first of all this list is too long. 500 is a ridiculous number. I don't think there's 500 good song. I don't -- I think there's about five or six good songs.
GUTFELD: Really? Which ones?
SHILLUE: Well, three of them are from Bing Crosby, and --
GUTFELD: Talk about a white Christmas. You are so white.
SHILLUE: But look, obviously they need needed to replace the number one because it was like a Rolling Stone. I mean it was like come on. Yes Rolling Stones favorite song is rolling stone, it's ridiculous, and their favorite man is the Rolling Stone.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
SHILLUE: But "RESPECT," I think it's a good song but I don't know if it's number one I don't like any songs that have spelling in them.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Those are the only ones I like.
GUTFELD: You know what, I was going to say, my favorite time was Abba's SOS but you know what? Never mind. Is that spelling?
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Acronym, that's an acronym. No one asked you Emily. Anyway cat anything shock you anything that was left out that should be in what's number one in your mind?
TIMPF: I don't agree with ranking songs by number as if they're math. There was like there was a lot of Missy Elliott on the list. And sometimes Missy is great you know there's certain vibes certain mood you want to listen Missy Elliott. You're on your way your home from your grandma's funeral?
Maybe not. Yes, no. Then again it depends on your grandma. What was she like? My funeral, I want the lobby only the most sensual R&B; bring my casket down to return of the Mack. But that's me.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is you.
TIMPF: Oh, so you can't rank them by math.
GUTFELD: Yes, there's going to be a lot of necro -- going on.
TIMPF: I hope so.
GUTFELD: You're disgusting.
TIMPF: I hope so just because I'm dead doesn't mean people can't have fun.
GUTFELD: You know, that's such an upbeat philosophy. Emily --
TIMPF: Write it on my tombstone.
GUTFELD: Yes.
COMPAGNO: I will. Noted.
GUTFELD: You're going to be cremated.
TIMPF: No. It's your decision.
GUTFELD: It is my decision. You sign the contract on the show. Emily, do you agree with these pics?
COMPAGNO: No. So, first of all, it read like a top 10 TikTok real, Right?
Like, dreams over Gypsy absolutely not. The fact that Prince, George Michael, Def Leppard, Kenny Loggins, and the commitment soundtrack wasn't even on the top 10, negates the whole thing for me.
GUTFELD: The commitments.
COMPAGNO: Yes.
GUTFELD: That was a terrible movie.
COMPAGNO: Yes, it was the best movie of all time.
GUTFELD: No, it wasn't.
COMPAGNO: Yes, it was. Yes, it was.
GUTFELD: It wasn't.
COMPAGNO: Yes, it was.
GUTFELD: No, it wasn't. I can do this all day --
COMPAGNO: I will do this all day.
GUTFELD: All right, all right, I know you can't stop. All right, Joe, I was going to call you John. I don't know why, because you're a John. You're like, get your freak on --
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: I do. If you mean my getting my freak on a quiet dinner alone watching Forensic Files. Holla, I would rather it was just a list ranking numbers where they said coming in at 499 or 99. Easy to understand. Their list is nonsense. It's like it was a mishmash mash of music where they're still trying to sound relevant.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: I just looked at the last five and it was like Lizzo, Harry Nilsson. It sounded like parents arguing with children arguing with grandparents. Right. Right. But it's still better than that. What are they usually do their top 500 Bob Dylan albums over and over again. like they've moved slightly into the future.
GUTFELD: They're like, you know, it is, it's like the divorce dad got an earring. That's like, whenever they whenever they look at the list, they go, man, we got to we got to bake this younger. And you know it because they're all smelling like Ben gay. This point. I don't know why I said that. I should have said relief factor.
Coming up, was Dr. McDreamy, really just a meme?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: TV's hottest doc was acting like a jerk. A "Grey's Anatomy"
producer says that Patrick Dempsey who looks a lot like me, who portrayed Dr. Derek McDreamy Shepard was actually more of a McDemon who is abusive behavior got his character killed off of the show. In an interview for a new unauthorized tell all on the series how to save a life, the inside story of Grey's Anatomy, whose Grey? Producer James D. Perry had said, that although Dempsey didn't do anything sexual to anyone on the set, he did have a habit of terrorizing people to the point that cast members had all sorts of PTSD. And why well quote, he didn't like the inconvenience of coming in every day and working. So after a while, they just solved the problem by having him killed off, which is interesting. Does that mean if a person on my show keeps complaining and getting on my nerves, I can have them killed off too?
TIMPPF: Does that mean they can write a tell-all book before that happens?
GUTFELD: So, Kat, This is what happens to winners. Like he was the most he was the best looking the, the draw and so everybody had to trash him.
Right?
TIMPF: You need to talk about something. They can do that. I don't know anything about this show, I think it's like a show about doctors and they have sex with each other. Right?
GUTFELD: Yes, like all doctors do.
TIMPF: Well, I hope so. They work hard. Yes. They
GUTFELD: Yes do. Don't smock them.
TIMPF: They don't wear smocks.
GUTFELD: Yes, they do.
TIMPF: Are you surgeons? I don't know. So, if you're feeling upset, like people are trashing you because you're too successful. I just want to say make sure you do a good job and are nice to your staff because towels are a thing. And you know, it's -- it must be hard to be as successful as you are.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: You know, I feel it's It must be hard.
GUTFELD: It is very hard. It is very hard. You know when someone is extremely successful and good looking, they usually get targeted. I speak from experience Emily, one day you might feel this. I don't know if you have but you watch this show, right? You know everything about it.
COMPAGNO: Only a little bit but I have to say this that this show doesn't really matter because it's all about camp by me love you guys. That is where we all met him and he became the cutest face of all time. So, I will forgive him forever. And also don't forget there was mixed See me on the show too. So there was like another guy that was even more beautiful. So, it's not just about him. But what here's my proposal, everybody. I think that we should invite him on the show when I'm on. OK. And then we can all see for ourselves and get to know him together. Right?
GUTFELD: I usually haven't McSteamy every morning.
COMPAGNO: Oh, God. Disgusting.
GUTFELD: Joe? It's a coffee. Go ahead.
DEVITO: I think Kat made some good points that when you're this successful.
Look, the guy was on a hit TV show. He's very handsome. He's rich and famous. He even drives race cars.
GUTFELD: Right.
DEVITO: And I could relate because I sleep in a bed shaped like a rake. I do think it's amazing how we know so little about this show. And Emily knows so much about this show.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: I didn't even know the show was still on. Yes, I think give him give him a break, like it -- what's strange is that they specified it was bad behavior of a non-sexual type. And in Hollywood now, that's like, oh, what a gentleman.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: He's only terrorizing.
DEVITO: Yes, it's strictly terror, but he kept his hands to himself.
TIMPF: He's giving them PTSD without touching them.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. By the way, on one end, they say, maybe that was the PTSD. He's so good looking, but he didn't come on to them and that gave them PTSD.
SHILLUE: Yes.
GUTFELD: That's a theory that a sexist would come up with. I'm not that person. And neither is Tom.
SHILLUE: Why is everything Mc? Why was it McDreamy mixed in? What's the Mc?
COMPAGNO: Well, I think because that wasn't that his real name? Like his name on the show.
TIMPF: Don't say you think, you know.
COMPAGNO: I'm like in Episode 23, part seven. This is what happened.
SHILLUE: Is he really that good looking or just not --
COMPAGNO: Yes. The answer is yes.
SHILLUE: He's no, Calista Lockhart. I'll tell you that.
GUTFELD: No, and neither is Calista Lockhart.
SHILLUE: I liked, sure, Ally McBeal. That's a good looking lead.
GUTFELD: Yes, but --
SHILLUE: Ally McBeal.
GUTFELD: Yes, now she's married to Harrison Ford. All right, up next, it's time to microwave some jokes that we save.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We cover a lot every week and not every glorious joke makes it in, but lucky you those jokes get a second chance in their own Friday segment called.
ANNOUNCER: "GREG'S LEFTOVERS."
GUTFELD: Leftovers can be great or they could suck but you never know until you dig in. So, here we go. By the way, this is the first time I've never read these. So I have no idea what's going to happen here. It could be just absolutely awful. Cigarette Giant Philip Morris has taken control of inhaler maker Victora despite objections from health care charities. A company spokesman said not to worry and also announced that the inhalers are now available in menthol and unfiltered. That was a long way.
A democratic congressman proposed a new bill that calls for all airline and train passengers to either show proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test in order to travel. But if you want to vote, just wave hello on your way into the building.
Anthony Fauci said on a podcast this week that he would support a vaccine mandate for air travel. He also recommended wearing a mask while you listen to that podcast. That's funny.
Fashion designer, Balenciaga, is being accused of appropriating 90s hip hop style for selling sweatpants with boxers sticking out of the waistband. No word if they're available with one leg rolled up and a Puff Daddy CD. Who wrote that? A 70-year-old?
The sweat pants, by the way, cost $1200. Experts say doesn't prove you're racist if you buy them, but it does prove you're a moron.
Joe Biden has given us nine months of an incoherent weird precedent. It's funny just there, including the worst foreign policy decision in recent history. And the thought of what he'll screw up next has Nostradamus saying no comments. That was the weirdest rhythm of a joke I've ever read.
The New York Times magazine cover features Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, counting them in the 100 most influential people in the world. They look like they'll welcome you to their first swingers retreat. It does, actually, they look like there'll be murdering you before the weekend is out and you just don't know it yet. There was any confusion about who's in charge here, she's literally wearing the pants.
You can almost hear her thinking about how she's going to cut him loose in two years. They're definitely influenced people in the airbrushing department. Last time I saw that much airbrushing, it was a dragon on the hood of a Camaro.
They're changing history in this photo, the history of his hairline. It's like the old saying behind every great woman is a hemophiliac. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what that means.
DEVITO: The royal bloodlines represent.
GUTFELD: Oh, the royal bloodlines. The hit TV show Cops is being revived by the Fox Nation's streaming service. Lots of people are mad that Cops is back in the air. Those people are known as convicted felons. I wonder how many people will be watching cops on TV sets. They looted during last summer's riot? Yes, Cops is back and their production budget is bigger than ever so much for defending the cops.
Singer Nicki Minaj got into a feud with MSNBC's Joy Reid over vaccines.
It's not every day Nicki gets into it with an ass bigger than her own. I never saw that joke.
COMPAGNO: That was good.
GUTFELD: That's good. A new poll finds Democrats view Trump supporters and the unvaccinated is more dangerous than the Taliban. Does this mean the unvaccinated get their own airport? That's pretty good. It was pretty good.
And finally, Taco Bell announced a new daily tacos subscription service.
I'm waiting for Taco Bell prime where every taco purchase comes with a free toilet.
Do we have time to discuss this or should we go to a break? One question:
Joe, did you write any of those?
DEVITO: Yes, a few.
GUTFELD: Only the good ones right?
DEVITO: Only the good ones, only the cream of the crop that got rejected at first pass.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know when I read those, Tom, I feel like I'm actually doing some really tepid monologue from one of those other shows.
SHILLUE: Well, I mean, that's I think you were kind of downgrading the jokes. They were pretty good but then every once in a while you'd say all these jokes are so terrible. I thought they were pretty good.
DEVITO: It's usually a bad way to intro the bit you're going to do, Greg.
How awful the jokes are going to be.
GUTFELD: I'm not a comedian. I'm a health editor that got wrapped into this work. I was editing prevention and then Men's Health, how did I end up here? I didn't, I didn't claim to be the world's funniest person, Emily.
TIMPF: A lot of hard work and talent.
GUTFELD: Yes, that too. That too. See, I'm not going to have you killed off. Don't go away. We'll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We're out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Emily Compagno, Tom Shillue, Joe DeVito, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. "FOX NEW @ NIGHT" is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America. I do.
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