This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," December 30, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I know what you're thinking. Greg's never looked at this good in a dress. And he's even shorter than normal. Even with six-inch heels, and he's smiling. Surprise. It's me, Emily. Like a tiny Ghost of Christmas Present, because I'm celebrating the holiday today. Because this year COVID robbed me of Christmas with my family. COVID robbed us of our studio audience.
And it robbed me of my Christmas Eve Feast of the Seven Fishes. The Italian tradition of eating seafood and yelling. So to make up for it, we are having a feast tonight. Not actual food to me. Don't get excited. It's Emily's feast of seven jokes.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Emily's feast of seven jokes.
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COMPAGNO: In New Year's Eve news, Omicron fear mongers are warning people to stay away from New York's Times Square celebration. Even though previous crowds were exposed to something much worse. Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. Thank God it'll be me hosting in Time Square this year. See you at 10:00 p.m. Eastern on Fox News.
Germany's also banned large group gatherings. But you know who's never bans large gatherings of Germans? France. China's Wuhan Institute of virology recently hosted a conference on lab safety, to which the world responded a little (BLEEP) late, guys. In a recent segment on COVID Safety, CNN's Dr. Leana Wen admitted cloth masks don't stop transmission of the virus. They also don't stop CNN hosts from grabbing your ass.
Today in New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said he doesn't believe in shutdowns despite having shut down the city for months. He then added "I also oppose letting criminals roam free to murder people."
Chris Tucker turned down a $10 million payday for a sequel to the awesome movie Friday, saying he's too mature to be seen behaving badly on screen anymore. But producer Ice Cube has found a replacement who has no qualms about cursing or smoking weed on camera. In a CBS News interview, Vice President Kamala Harris said her biggest failure was not getting out of D.C. more.
But for once I actually agree with Kamala. I'd love to see her get out of D.C. permanently. Thank you all. This has been Emily's feast of seven job.
So at this point, you may be wondering how the little sister got the keys to the car. Is this like in the Goonies where the kids let the air out of brands by tire so they get a head start? No. Greg prefers a tricycle. Is Greg tied up naked with duct tape over his mouth, dumped in the girls locker room? Wait, no. That was him in high school. Is he draped over the side of Kilmeade's hot tub naked?
Three bottles of wine deep. Wait, no, that was him on Christmas. No, I'm actually sitting here for one reason. I beat him and a good old fashioned card game.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You want to play poker against me?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Straight poker.
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COMPAGNO: Not that kind of game. We don't work for Andrew Cuomo. This card game. Exactly. The kinds Greg loves. It combines two of his favorite passions. And I never turned down an invitation. Especially not with the high stakes of the keys to the kingdom for one night. Because the one thing no one bets on is the little sister having the best poker face and outlasting them all.
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GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Emily, good to see you're -- got your real estate license. You're like a hot topic. Real Estate --
GUTFELD: -- agent. Anyway.
COMPAGNO: I'll take it.
GUTFELD: You're a goth. You sell gothic houses.
There's Emily from 25 years ago. Oh, wow. You've changed it but I totally support the transition and the decision.
I'm the number one late night host, Emily. I'm not some -- I'm not somebody you could push around. You make me sick. And for that you have to sit out the segment.
COMPAGNO: Straight to bed.
GUTFELD: Straight to bed. Like you always do. Up at the crack of dawn.
GUTFELD: Yes. Good for you, you psychopath.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COMPAGNO: Oh, I sat there and took it. But just like Andy Dufresne, Veronica, the frog brothers, Ronald Miller, the Monster Squad and Kylie Richards in her oft overlooked role as Ellie Curtis in Watcher in the Woods. The underdogs always come out on top, except in rocky one. That's why I'm here tonight as a living breathing message of hope. Llike a tiny Ghost of Christmas Future.
Not just for this hour, but for the long haul. In the immortal words of Yoko's boyfriend, it will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. 2021 has sucked, no doubt. Look who's in the White House. Look who's not in the White House. Half of us are in lockdowns, under mandates. Bill Cosby is free and yet Paul Wieland is still imprisoned. China is experimenting with hypersonic missiles. And our military is experimenting with diversity training.
The only thing that grew bigger than our federal government this year was the criminal liability of CNN producers. The world is mourning the loss of Captain von Trapp, Raider nation's John Madden, screech, Clary and Joe DeVito his favorite movies Steel Magnolias, and Rosen Moonstruck. And the genius mind behind (INAUDIBLE) the mainstream media encouraged by feckless elected officials played and attention shell game where COVID played on loop.
While urban implosions the southern border record surge, skyrocketing and homicides, disconnected public schools, opioid overdoses, a social war waged on law enforcement, and Americans left behind in Afghanistan, barely received any coverage. The media did keep us well informed, however, on who would host Jeopardy. There were other stories too, stories that deserve our attention or admiration, our disgust but where was the media?
MSNBC was busy chasing down (INAUDIBLE0 but what's everyone else's excuse? Where was the coverage when an escaped prisoner on the lam was finally caught after venturing out to buy Call of Duty? Where were the headlines when teens dumping in a murdered body in the woods were caught because they dutifully left their hazard lights on. Where were the media alerts when six colossal dumbasses kidnapped and held for ransom?
A victim just steps away from an NYPD training facility. You can imagine how that turned out. But in the interest of fairness, I have to hold the mirror up to this show as well. I borrowed one of the 10 in Joey's office. It's true. Even Greg missed a huge story this year, likely the largest story of the year, which is shocking, honestly, because we heard it from the source himself from Channing Tatum. Yes, great news for America, Greg and me.
There will be a Magic Mike Three. Not sure why this hasn't headlined every episode of Gutfeld since. But earlier this month, it was confirmed. Two of the greatest movies of all time will now be part of a trilogy of human perfection. So take heart America. 2022 will be better than 2021. Or at the very least, it'll have better abbs. Yes. Despite all our differences. The one thing Greg and I have in common, the one love we share is Magic Mike, watching and performing.
So in our shared great anticipation of the release of Magic Mike Three next year, I put together what I knew Greg would love. A Gutfeld rendition of the most engorging or engrossing, the most delightful performance, not on Broadway. I give you Gigantic Greg.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What if Brian Stelter loses weight?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: All right, guys. It's time for our rehearsal for Gigantic Greg. Great news. I invited Channing Tatum to come. I know. Bad news. The restraining order is still in effect and so I'm not allowed within 50 feet at him. But you know what? We don't need him we have all the talent we need right here.
Ready Gasser number one. Loves the method acting but let's ramp up the energy.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Good day, guys. How are we feeling tonight? I'm bringing the thunder from down under.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Great rhythm, Gene. Are unicorns Australian? (INAUDIBLE) funny Joe, you're a clown.
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: But I'm so much more than.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Good try. Let's try not scaring the audience.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, great job by the way.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Great use of space. This isn't a duet.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, I'm from this is how we say hello. Last time Gigantic Greg. Let's do this. And five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh. Maybe we need a different show in common with less dancing. (INAUDIBLE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. I got (INAUDIBLE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Shotgun in Charlotte.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
COMPAGNO: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Fox News's own Magic Mike, our bionic half robot, half Aquaman, Johnny Joey Jones. Fox News's tragic Mike, comedian and host of Fox Across America, Jimmy Failla. Fox News's hemorrhagic Mike gushing out jokes, comedian Joe DeVito. And Mike's hot sister, Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. All right, Jimmy. We just covered a lot of ground.
JIMMY FAILLA, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: A lot went on. This was a lot to hit a guy with who looks like a mall Santa who got a DUI. Really came new with high hopes.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Otherwise known as a mall Santa.
FAILLA: Every single one amazing. It's so amazing right now. You get like five DUIs because of COVID, they're out of Santas. They just keep bringing me back. They just got to bring me back in. Keep the kids far away. I didn't know that you guys are obsessed with Magic Mike. But I love the idea of Magic Mike because it is the cinematic equivalent of being single so long you buy a cat.
You know, they should give every woman who buys a ticket the Magic Mike a free scoop of litter with their purchase.
COMPAGNO: What? I object.
FAILLA: It is. It's a horny cat lady movie. The movie took $167 million last time around and -- but it took forever to count because they paid in singles.
COMPAGNO: The last flight I was on there was literally a whole row of us and we were all watching it and everyone loved it. But I love --
COMPAGNO: -- worked and so now everyone literally thinks Greg is obsessed with Madden.
FAILLA: I just love that everyone loved it. Who are you flying with, the golden girl?
COMPAGNO: Kat was there. Joey, that skit is what I envision the Marine Corps barracks look like after hours. Is that true?
JOHNNY JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. We pretty much get naked look at each others.
JONES: And I'll tell you. I'm a (INAUDIBLE) I loved his work. But I've never seen Magic Mike do, I've seen where he played a marine. There's literally some movies called The Marine and it's like the marine again. And he does a good job. Is Magic Mike about juist taking the clothes off? Is that what I'm figuring out here?
JONES: Taking their loose clothes?
TIMPF: Is it a bunch of stripper boys or just one? I never saw it.
COMPAGNO: It depends on who is in the spotlight in your eyes. It's really about a bunch of them. But there's -- only I mean, let's face it. There's one -- There's one magic and that's Channing Tatum. Joe Devito, do you think Greg is missing us right now? Should we call him Gigantic Greg actually from now on?
TIMPF: I will not be.
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: I think right now Greg is in a ditch inside Kat's bait putting the lotion in the basket. He's going to get relief. By the way, were you trapped in a Blockbuster Video for about a decade? Your movie references seem to be very much --
JONES: You save that with Rocky though. I was -- I was lost --
JONES: -- Rocky, I'm like, yes.
COMPAGNO: DeVito wrote that line.
COMPAGNO: So, Kat, what do you think about the stories that the media missed? There were really important ones,
TIMPF: My wedding.
COMPAGNO: There you go. And the honeymoon is going to be an even bigger story because it's taken so long to have one.
TIMPF: I know but I keep saying we're giogn to -- It's just -- how, it's never ends. We're going to end up having to go to Poughkeepsie in two weeks.
COMPAGNO: I've never been it.
TIMPF: Me neither.
FAILLA: It's actually lovely this time of the year.
TIMPF: They'll probably treat me great. I would be the queen of Poughkeepsie. I'll see you guys there. Yes, a lot of stuff there. You know what, I don't know how people keep missing that. It was not OK If it's not the end it'll be -- I don't get that because the end is the worst part. You die.
COMPAGNO: No, the end is the best part. It's like when they kiss or when they walk down the aisle or when like the bank is robbed or, you know, it's something -- it's something awesome, right?
TIMPF: I don't know -- I don't know of anything that ends with just a kiss. I mean, we're all adults, right? Are we -- are we -- are we in seventh grade?
FAILLA: Well, listen.
COMPAGNO: Well, on the Hallmark Channel. And on this channel we just end --
FAILLA: I was going to say yes. This time of year again.
FAILLA: They play some terrible Christmas music and then the exact same movie with the exact same gay actors kissing women comes on again.
FAILLA: Every Hallmark Channel movie.
COMPAGNO: And they all get five stars.
FAILLA: Do you know that like 80 percent of the Hallmark Channel's ratings are guys just ragging on the movies while they're -- we're going to watch them?
TIMPF: -- loves the movie.
JONES: I love the movie.
TIMPF: Him loves the Hallmark Channel. And I think (BLEEP) and he won't turn it off.
JONES: They throw some twist in there every now and then.
FAILLA: Which tells me cam will be going to see Magic Mike.
TIMPF: I said, if you don't turn this off, I will go back to my hometown and meet a guy who owns a bookstore.
COMPAGNO: Exactly. All right, Joey, final question.
COMPAGNO: Again, as a Marine, when you hear that someone ventured out of being on the land to buy Call of Duty and that's what got him caught. Does that make you shake your head?
JONES: Well, you know, I have a 12-year-old son who really liked video games, so I don't know like, if it were him, I might be kind of proud. You know, you get it, when do you took the initiative? But for a grown - for a grown man, you know, it's probably not the thing to do. You know, I'm not a big video game guy. I own a playstation one time and I trade it for speakers for my truck and I traded those I think for -- that doesn't matter what to trade those for actually.
So I don't get the video games, the Call of Duty stuff. I don't understand it. I kind of did call of duty one time.
COMPAGNO: Exactly. All right. Up next, everyone. If you have COVID mid air is hogging the lavatory fair?
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, you got to be (BLEEP) kidding me. Come on.
COMPAGNO: She stayed glued to the toilet seat like 30,000 feet. I speak of a Michigan woman, aren't they all, Kat? Who spent five hours in an airplane bathroom, voluntarily quarantining herself after testing positive for COVID mid flight, which is really unfair to passengers trying to join the Mile High Club. She says about halfway through the Chicago to Iceland flight her throat started to hurt.
So she went to the bathroom to take a rapid test she brought with her rather than wait months for Joe Biden to send her one. When it came out positive, she decided to just stay in the (BLEEP) for the rest of the flight which was still better than the middle seat. Sounds like the worst five hours anyone has had since I watched the Footloose remake. Speaking of having a terrible time, Lord Fauci has some major advice for those celebrating New Year's tomorrow night.
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ANTHONY FAUCI, CHIEF MEDICAL ADVISOR TO THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES: If your plans are to go to a 40 to 50 person New Year's Eve party with all the bells and whistles and everybody hugging and kissing and wishing each other a Happy New Year, I would strongly recommend that this year we do not do that.
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COMPAGNO: What? So No hugging or kissing at midnight or anytime during the night. Yes, like I wouldn't kiss 50 People just because Fauci said so? For reaction, let's go live to the Cuomo household.
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COMPAGNO: So if we're not supposed to hug and kiss at midnight. I wonder what people will do.
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DEVITO: Emily, I wish you a joyous and prosperous New Year.
COMPAGNO: Happy New Year Joe.
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COMPAGNO: That was literally the outfit I wore to the office today. Kat, I love how the media is so generous with that woman. Like they call it quarantining. No, it's not. It's hogging the bathroom for five hours. It sounds better to get COVID than to be on a flight where someone's in the bathroom the entire time.
TIMPF: Yes. And then their Christmas UTIs to follow. I would have forcibly removed her especially because at least like eight other people probably had COVID on that flight. I -- it's just -- everything is so stupid now and I just -- but Fauci though, he might be more fun than we thought. If he thinks like, the normal thing to do is 50 people all kissing each other. That is not a party. That is an orgy.
I don't want to (INAUDIBLE) but he's saying listen, I know New Year's Eve, you all go to his go to an orgy. But wait next year for the orgy. So I don't know. I mean, he might -- he might be more fun than we thought.
COMPAGNO: I don't know. I mean, last night Ghislaine Maxwell was found guilty and so to me orgy Island has been (INAUDIBLE) right?
TIMPF: Consensual orgies only, Emily. I'm not a sicko.
COMPAGNO: Exactly, Cuomo. Joey, why are people still listening to Fauci? That's the question.
JONES: Well, here's the deal. They kind of aren't -- normal people or not. LIke -- and he told us that. He gave, like, we're actually going to go down from 10 days to five days, because y'all don't listen to (BLEEP) anyway. You know, like, why not? You're not -- I mean, he literally went on T.V. and said, we know people don't follow these stupid rules. So we're going to make them a little less stupid. Listen. Fauci is running the country right now.
And that's what bothers me about this whole thing. Not to turn this amazing, fun laughing time into something sad. But Fauci is running the -- bureaucrats are running our country, not elected officials. But that's what Democrats and liberals believe. They believe that academic experts are truly the only ones qualified to make decisions. And in that respect, they agree with me that elected officials probably are pretty stupid.
But they're willing to circumvent the process we made to elect people to make these decisions, because they think it's bureaucrats that actually have the information and intelligence to tell us how to live our lives. And that's the problem with anything Fauci says, is that it is the gospel in the Biden administration to where Trump would probably go, yes, OK, OK, you need to sit down, little fellow.
And like that's what we need. Not to say that you don't take his advice into consideration or even do what the doctor says sometimes, but we elect somebody so the book actually stops with them and the book doesn't stop with Biden, it goes right over his head.
TIMPF: That'd be a great book for you. Do what the doctor says sometimes.
FAILLA: That was --
FAILLA: That was -- that was pretty deep for somebody we pay in Mountain Dew and chewing gum.
FAILLA: Wow. They're going to give you another pouch. That was --
TIMPF: He lives in Georgia. He's (INAUDIBLE) all of us.
COMPAGNO: That's true.
FAILLA: He's killing it. This is why nobody listens to Fauci. Because we've had these predictions so many times like Thanksgiving was going to kill us. Halloween was -- remember, crowded football games were going to kill us. The only people who died at football games were jets fans who jumped off the stadium. You know what I mean? But I'm so sick of it.
FAILLA: I'm so sick of New Year's warning about COVID. You know, as someone who is co-hosting New Years as are. I'll be down in Nashville. COVID would be the best thing possible for me to catch. You know what I mean? If I come home with COVID tomorrow, I'm like, oh, thank God, what was I going to tell Jenny? You know what I mean? But COVID I'm home free. Couple of calls. The marriage is intact.
TIMPF: That'd be a name for your book. The Marriag is Intact.
COMPAGNO: For now. DeVito, to Joey's point, that's a culture of fear that they are soaking. That's why someone who tests positive on the flight locks yourself in the bathroom for five hours. I mean, it's like the new screen with everyone diving out of windows to escape the plus sign on the thing. I guess that's a pregnancy test.
DEVITO: -- COVID test.
JONES: That's why you think you've never had COVID.
DEVITO: This is what -- I understand she thought she might have a serious health issue. She did fly out of Chicago. So the sore throat could have been caused by gunfire. But it's a strange call to think. OK, I'm on a flight. I'm going from Chicago to Iceland. Let me just break out the COVID test now. Whenever I have a flight I make sure before I get to JFK, I've gone to the bathroom 50 times, I've had a sandwich.
I don't get to the airport hop on flight and think, this be good time to run some diagnostics. So, I don't know what you're thinking but if I were passenger on that flight and she was hogging the bathroom, I'd be a little pissed. You know, it'd be really pissed? If I were Iceland. Because she gets here just like, hey, I got COVID, what's wrong guys?
DEVITO: Send her back?
COMPAGNO: The passenger should have pulled a radar at and just slapped her.
COMPAGNO: All right. Up next. Should house arrest hinder his chances on Tinder?
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: A prisoner has an appetite for seduction, while the IRS says crime's not a deduction. A man looking for wives and a teddy bear stuffed with knives, an alleged capital rioter from Buffalo, aren't they all? Has asked the judge to let him use dating apps while he awaits his trial. That's ironic, a criminal wanting to use dating apps when dating apps were how Kat and Jimmy used to meet criminals.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, actually.
COMPAGNO: Thomas Civic, AKA, OK Stupid, was arrested in March and in jail until October. Now, since then, he's been under 24/7 locked down at his parents' home, where he's reportedly been forbidden by the judge to use social media or watch any political shows that could "inflame his thoughts," which means no ESPN. But based on his dating app request, other things might get inflamed first, especially with all that buffalo wing sauce everywhere. We'll follow Mr. Civics romantic endeavors closely and keep you posted.
Meanwhile, new scrutiny for the IRS reminding you that criminal income must be included when you file your taxes. Like say, money laundering with art sales. And if you steal stuff, you must report its fair market value unless you return it to its rightful owner. So, when you steal that flat screen from BestBuy and pepper spray the clerk, remember to get a receipt.
And lastly, a mom was busted at the Philadelphia airport for allegedly hiding two knives in a Darth Vader teddy bear, which is ridiculous. Darth Vader used a lightsaber and he certainly didn't use butter knives. The TSA caught her after the bear went through the x-ray machine. Although a supervillain teddy bear is clearly suspicious on its own. Apparently, the Teddy was cut open. We stuffed and resewn. Much like Nancy Pelosi.
All right, DeVito, they were butter knives. Like, why would she die on that hill? Why don't you try at least with like mini machetes or something that would actually hurt?
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Yes, what's the threat? Like, we're going to smear you with an inch of your life with these knives. Yes, you know, a lot of weird stuff going on in airports these days. People are testing themselves mid-flight. They're packing cutlery. And also, why pick Darth Vader? He's the villain you kind of tipping people off.
COMPAGNO: Yes. She asked for it.
DEVITO: He was a little feat there. So, let him be the one, like no one, no one would suspect (INAUDIBLE). So, yes, and the guy in Buffalo, let's be honest, it's December, everyone in Buffalo was under house arrest. They've got 17 feet of snow. So, I don't know where he thinks he's going. But I say good -- let him, let him swipe to his heart's content.
COMPAGNO: All right, Kat, like real question. Oh, would it be a deal breaker if you were on a dating app and that person was awaiting in trial?
TIMPF: I'd have to talk to my husband about that.
COMPAGNO: He said it was OK.
TIMPF: I mean, awaiting trial. No, because if you get attached, and then they go away.
JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: Yes.
COMPAGNO: There's conjugal visits. It keeps with another husband.
TIMPF: As good as conjugal visits sound, I would be, a deal breaker. I'm upset about the TSA story though.
TIMPF: Because it is pro TSA propaganda? Oh, the hundreds of millions of dollars a year, they protected a flight from butter knives. Great job, guys. Investigation after investigation shows that they miss stuff all the time. Like, you know, like over half, like in 2015, ABC investigation, I got statistics like you do, 95 percent. 2017, it was 80 percent, boom, two statistics in a row, Emily. What are you going to do now, Emily?
COMPAGNO: Yes! Yes!
TIMPF: Two in a row, Emily. And you know what, hundreds of millions of dollars? I may not be a financial adviser, but that's a waste of money. And then it's our money, and then they take our rights. I'm done with the TSA, this propaganda and the knives and then they don't say it's actually butter knives. I don't think anyone's life was spared because of this.
COMPAGNO: You're right. I agree. And speaking of money, Joey --
TIMPF: It never happens.
COMPAGNO: Isn't this IRS law. Just another example, that the federal government only cares about clawing back their lost income. They don't care about calling back your losses. If you get robbed, it doesn't matter. It just matters that you, that that person hasn't reported it to them.
JOHNNY JOEY JONES, U.S. MARINES: This is the worst government attempt to make something happen since the FBI started an insurrection.
FAILLA: I liked it.
JONES: I mean, what are they like? You know, come on criminals. Tell me about your stolen property just so we can claim taxes? No. So, they can go get you for being a thief and put you in jail. As long as you don't live in California where it's no longer illegal. Honestly, I had better jokes for the other two topics. I really want to tell a story. So, I'm going to --
TIMPF: I appreciate your honesty.
JONES: I'm going to flip it around real quick. Am I the only guy who sits there and looks at that TSA story and goes: here, I kind of wish they would. I normally sit first class, like I kind of wish they would go towards the cockpit with a butter knife. I wish they would. I got a lot of ideas on how I would handle that.
COMPAGNO: Well, you wish. I mean, Jimmy couldn't catch them in the aisle.
JONES: And on the, on the prison -- on the prison dating thing, I'm sitting here down inside because I got a buddy, Danny Ridgeway, who's a best friend of mine. He's a Silver Star sippy, he's war hero. And he had a girlfriend one time whose boyfriend was in prison, and Danny was like such a smart guy that she came to us. She goes you know, he said we could date because he didn't want his prison sentence to stop me from living my life. You just got to move on before he gets out. And then he goes, can I get that in writing? My buddy, Danny, had a permission slip from a prison kingpin to date that man's girlfriend.
COMPAGNO: That's amazing. All you need is El Chapo's word and then you're 26 million up.
FAILLA: Now, you're back together. And jackhammer to get her out of her cell again.
COMPAGNO: Exactly. How would, Jimmy, rule?
FAILLA: Let me give it to you really quick, OK. The TSA butterknife thing?
FAILLA: Total setup. The TSA is lazy garbage. She put those knives in that doll and probably got on the plane with a grenade launcher while they all found the knives.
I have a buddy who is a monster pothead. And he gets his weed back and forth from California to New York by putting a big bottle of water in his bag, and they find the bottle of water in his bag and they hold up the line and they take the water out and they dump it and he walks through with his weed every time, every time.
But anyway, this is the scarier point the IRS there. The fact that we are now so broke under Joe Biden --
JONES: He won't next time, you just told them.
FAILLA: We're so broke under Joe Biden. That we're now relying on drug dealers and thieves to adhere to the honor system to pay us. That means we're like two steps away from Joe Biden starting in OnlyFans. We're in bad shape. When those come out, you're in. You know what I mean, it's bad.
COMPAGNO: We are in bad shape. But don't worry -- I mean, remember my message from the A-block, 2022 will be better. All right, coming up, will new Chinese technology pray on human psychology?
COMPAGNO: Is Hunter Biden's employer also a mind destroyer? And will robots in court turn China into minority report. The Chinese military has reportedly been researching brain control warfare, just like public school. A Chinese Army report in cooperation with the NBA obtained by the Washington Times reads: war has started to shift from the pursuit of destroying bodies to paralyzing and controlling the opponent, like tickle fights.
I was in a sorority, you guys, it's pillow fights. Speaking of China's advanced technological prowess, the South China Morning Post reports that Chinese scientists have developed an artificial intelligence prosecutor that can press its own charges. George Soros will fund its campaign if the robot never files the charges. It can reportedly predict common crimes like fraud, gambling, and dangerous driving, and calling Taiwan a country. The machine is so smart, it can file a charge with more than 97 percent accuracy based on a verbal description of the case. Note to self, Jussie Smollett.
All right, Joey. If the media is covering this now, at this point about China, I feel like the real story is even worse, like China has this scariest technology out there if we are hearing about them paralyzing minds now.
JONES: Paralyzing minds, it's like, well, it's kind of like Jake Tapper show, you know. What just happened? Listen, I kind of am not down on making fun of robots and getting mean at robots and like demoralizing and demeaning robots because I'm a little bit of a robot, like I got a little bit that going on myself.
COMPAGNO: Yes, you are.
JONES: But what bothers me is that my legs work off of me. Like they don't do anything on their own. So, you're telling me there are robots out there that can like send you to prison for life? And they can't even take steps? Like I got to use my arms to get up out of this chair. And there are robots out there that are like doing important things, like, could we get a little bit of a little bit of that technology here? I'd be cool with that. I mean I've definitely danced better now with robot legs, I'm just kind of self- reflecting now -- OK.
COMPAGNO: I'll have you audition for the --
TIMPF: What if they turned against you?
JONES: They do every day. Have you not seen me fall? It's like a Broadway dance.
TIMPF: I meant like while you're sleeping in the night, and then they're watching you.
JONES: My dogs are onto something. If my legs are off my body, if they get within five inches of my dogs, like both like Bolt, like they, they know something I don't I'm telling you right now. I think these are like from Sweden, though, so they wouldn't do anything. Like, would you want some breakfast?
COMPAGNO: So, Jimmy? All right. So, according to China, this technology can spot ahead of time those "provoking trouble." So, I feel like we should just send them to Midtown.
FAILLA: We actually need that.
COMPAGNO: Yes, right?
FAILLA: I like the idea of getting taken down by a cyborg because it's so much better than how you get taken down in this country now. It's like one guy with three followers, tweets that he's -- the guys with three followers. Some lazy journalist is like everybody hates this guy and now you're gone. At least you got like a sci-fi story, you know what I'm saying? So, I'm kind of half into this. But in terms of China, in terms of China developing a device that will paralyze us? They already did. It's called the iPhone. We're all just sitting there staring at it all day. It's over. We've lost.
COMPAGNO: That's true. That's true. And we talk about paralyzed opponents. I mean, that's Biden, clearly.
DEVITO: For sure. Yes, I have a feeling that this, this Chinese robot to prosecute here is going to not exactly be tough, but fair. He's going to be a lot of just guilty, guilty, guilty, go make some Nikes, guilty, guilty, guilty. So, I would not recommend throwing yourself on the mercy of the court for the, the Chinese-automated robot prosecutor. It is -- you mentioned TikTok. I mean, we have allowed this propaganda information gathering tool of the Chinese Communist Party to infiltrate our phones. And I hate it, and whenever I open it up, they're showing me these things, like it's, it's teenage girls dancing in front of the camera, and like I didn't, I didn't ask.
FAILLA: Well --
DEVITO: I'll watch it, but I did ask to see. And they even worked their way into my phone.
FAILLA: It's weird that TikTok now knows your other search history.
JONES: I'm just sitting with pictures of dump trucks. I don't know what --
FAILLA: I think we need to (INAUDIBLE) our searches.
TIMPF: As in butts? Dump truck sized butts?
JONES: No, like fat dudes sitting --
TIMPF: I don't believe you.
JONES: Making jokes about, oh man --
TIMPF: I don't believe you.
COMPAGNO: But Kat, I feel like the thing, the thing that -- like, the biggest tragedy to me is not this crazy technology coming out of China. It's like who's surprised? You know, we see this as a headline and we're like, yep, what else crazy is going to come out of China, right?
TIMPF: Look, I also thought that I was like, oh, robots or whatever going to try it. You know, it's it doesn't make me feel good. But it didn't really make me feel at all. And I find that it's getting harder and harder to feel.
COMPAGNO: All right, up next, guys, want to be sure he's the father, one in 10 moms say, why bother?
COMPAGNO: When asked who's the father of their baby, they said, I don't know him maybe? According to a new British poll, almost one in 10 mothers don't know who actually fathered their children. The other nine say, it's Pete Hegseth. Pete, I didn't write that line. Almost, eight percent of the one thousand British moms surveyed admitted to having lied about the biological origins of their kids, proving once again, moms are more honest than MSNBC.
We're going to assume it's from having sex or as they call it in England, that thing we did to the Irish. And in other depressing news about kids, the Wall Street Journal, which is owned by our parent company, Skechers, profiled families who named their kids after Harry Potter characters, something shockingly popular with adults who shouldn't be allowed to play with their wand or anyone else's.
Turns out, 91 Hermione is were born in the United States just last year, dooming them to a lifetime of bullying and of not having their names called out during sex. I can't believe that took -- and not nearly enough kids called Lord Voldemort, aka the baby who must not be named. Anyway, for more on all this, let's go live to our new magic correspondent disappearing Steve.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Magic trick.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COMPAGNO: All right, Jimmy, we all know that you are Link's father because yes, your size and 12.
FAILLA: Yes, well, the Maury Povich thing helped a little bit let's not forget ourselves. Yes, it was like, why you chose to close the show on a segment about my wife is beyond me? She's not one of those, one in 10 moms. Really quick to the other thing, really quick. Harry Potter, you should name your kids after fictitious characters, why? Because the public perception of them never changes. OK? You don't want to name your kid after somebody who's alive because things can get hairy. We're having a big problem right now with my daughter Ghislaine.
COMPAGNO: The "s" is silent. Kat, to that point, though, would you rather be named Hermione or why didn't people name themselves Bella from "Twilight"? It's such a better name than Hermione.
TIMPF: That's all magic?
JONES: It's a (BLEEP) movie.
COMPAGNO: No. You watch your mouth, Joey. That whole saga is right here behind Jimmy's shoulder, revered.
TIMPF: I wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter because, because my mom said magic was of the devil. So, I couldn't read. True story, I grew up to be so pious, so it worked. But I have a disdain for adults who are into Harry Potter. I don't think because it's just weird. It's just like sad. And like, who would I rather, like who'd rather hang out with a woman who doesn't know who her baby's father is? Or someone who knows the baby's father's name made the decision to gather name and after a Harry Potter character. I'm going to have way more fun with the first.
COMPAGNO: That's exactly right. Joey, what scares you more, paternity tests or be named after a wizard?
JONES: You know, you have one too many Hermoines, there's some cream for that. You just kind of rubbing on, and it'll go away. I don't understand the problem here. As a guy, that whole one in 10 thing, as a guy who has won that lottery and been notified via text like when you roll up to the Longhorn and they tell your orders ready, I just want to say it's not always the guy's fault. That's just, you know, like it's -- some of us wanted to be dads and just needed to be told about it.
COMPAGNO: That's sweet. That's a good way of looking at it, right DeVito?
DEVITO: I don't know. I didn't know that you were told you were fathered by something vibrating like your tables ready at Red Lobster.
COMPAGNO: There's one somewhere.
DEVITO: I did not reproduce, which is you know, this story. I, if I got a woman pregnant, that wouldn't be a mistake, it would be a miracle. So, I'm comfortable like Maury Povich would tell me you're good. You got nothing to worry about.
FAILLA: What are you doing here?
DEVITO: She's like, what are you doing here? You're clearly not the father.
COMPAGNO: But don't forget, we are celebrating Christmas today. So, it might happen.
DEVITO: It could be yes, a virgin birth from Joe DeVito. Yes, I -- this way I think paternity test should be required in the hospital every time the baby's born. Get that paternity test find out who the father is, and pass it on, pass the billing and the paperwork on to the right person.
COMPAGNO: Like this DeVito. All right, don't go away guys, we'll be right back.
COMPAGNO: Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Joey Jones, Jimmy Failla, Joe DeVito, and Kat. I'm Emily Compagno, and on behalf of Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.
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