This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," May 2, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: All right, as we prepare to get back to work, let's ponder the obstacles. I count three so far.
First, the media, to capture their essence completely, let's roll this week's worst question.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
QUESTION: If an American President loses more Americans over the course of six weeks than died in the entirety of the Vietnam War, does he deserve to be reelected?
DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: So yes, we've lost a lot of people. But if you look at what original projections were 2.2 million, we're probably heading to 60,000 to 70,000. It's far too many. One person is too many for this.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Great answer, but an asinine question. Does a leader deserve to be reelected after a tragedy strikes? Well, that's what the election is for, you dope. The voters determined who deserve to be reelected, and you can apply this non-logic just about anywhere.
You know a tornado killed the Johnson family on Main Street, the same Main Street that Mr. Smith delivers the mail on, shouldn't Mr. Smith resign from the United States Postal Service?
See, as long as the media has no powers of self-reflection, they'll never learn and keep making moronic observations like this chap.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHUCK TODD, MSNBC HOST: As we go to break, if there's a good thing about this economic crisis, it's been the clean air and views we haven't seen for a long time. Take a look.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Remarkable analysis. Death and economic turmoil creates awesome visuals for our carbon belching TV network. Imagine Chucky, how even better the environment would be if the networks also stopped working. Somehow, I don't think he thought that through.
And finally, how is this for a question?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
QUESTION: And will you pledge never to lie to us from that podium?
KAYLEIGH, MCENANY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: I will never lie to you. You have my word on that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What kind of answer did this grand stander expect? Clearly, the question was only asked to get headlines for herself. She is not just grandstanding, she is the whole damn stadium.
So, what to expect from this crew as we get back to work? More armchair quarterbacking, questioning the timing, the phases, the risk, and so on, which is fine.
If there's a problem, they'll find it and pin it on you know who, not the Chinese, of course, who needs Red China when you have Orange Godzilla.
So for the media and us, humans, let's introduce Gutfeld's Law, which goes like this. If you contributed nothing at the time of the event, then you can't point fingers in the future.
Meaning if you have no suggestions of when to go back to work or when to shut down the economy or when to shut down travel or not and you have no evidence that you ever the contrary, then take your future analysis and shove it up your ass.
If you had no skin in the game, you have no place at the table.
And then there's the next obstacle. The politicians, who, of course are going to politic, exploiting real problems for their own political survival.
Every democrat will blame Trump for the pandemic. Adam Schiff will lead the way already announcing he will be helming a commission which is hilarious given that his other quixotic misadventure, the impeachment proceedings allowed the outbreak to take us by surprise.
You know, I won't say Adam has blood on his hands. But if you were underwater, he'd be mistaken for a lobster. Flatten him and he'd make a terrific sunset.
And then of course, there's Hillary suddenly appearing as Joe Biden implodes like a drooling vulture eyeing a desiccated hiker. She pretended to be at his virtual Town Hall to endorse Joe, but really, it was an opportunity for her to knock Trump who humiliated her in 2016 while hoping, obviously for a rematch, but you know, I think Biden did a pretty good job. Check it out.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN: Hey, there, green shirt lady. I like green. It's like yellow and blue, but combined. It is genius.
HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Thank you so much, Joe. It's a real pleasure to be here with you.
SHILLUE: I wish you were here in person, green shirt lady. I've been binge watching "The West Wing." Yes, 154 episodes straight.
CLINTON: And that is not only disgraceful. It is so outdated. It is anachronistic.
SHILLUE: Hey, hey, take it easy green shirt. TV presidents are cool, especially Martin Sheen. He's got that voice. Nice head of hair. But we've got to go with him instead of me. What do you say?
CLINTON: Think of what it would mean if we had a real President, not just somebody who plays one on TV.
SHILLUE: All right. How about movies though? You remember when Bill Pullman saved us from all of those aliens. I bet he would be willing to do that again. Imagine the difference that would make.
CLINTON: Well, I know what a difference it would make because I've been there. I've seen firsthand what Presidents can and should do.
SHILLUE: You know what Presidents can and should do? Cocaine. That will get you going. Just kidding, lady. Stay in school, kids. Don't do drugs.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: And thirdly, there is the disease itself. Going forward, every decision has a risk. Stay home and definitely people suffer. Go back to work, the disease could return.
We've talked this thing out before. We're smart adults. We can be trusted. I mean, we flattened the curve like pros. Not bad for our first time ever. It's a lesson for all you undergrads taking courses on American History where your feeble, bitter professors portray the country as oppressive, genocidal, greedy -- it's all BS.
This evil capitalist society in fact just put its entire system in jeopardy in order to save the sick, the weak, the old. You know, even Sweden didn't do that, and aren't they the model for progressive compassion? I do love their fish.
Now, the President's Economic Recovery Taskforce released a study predicting that a fast reopening will end America's recession with a quick recovery in the fall.
I know this because I read it in their press release. I hope they're right. I think we all kind of feel like we're at a baseball game in the 15th inning and we just want this damn thing to end.
Instead, you don't want to go home. You want to leave home and go to work. You know, which reminds me I'm hoping a litigation shield will be attached to these bailout, so companies can get back to work without worrying that they might get sued by a guy who claims he got the corona from your barstool.
Fact is, you're not going to restart civilization if lawyers are in the room. Imagine if they were present in other world defining moments. You think Columbus would have discovered America? No way says a 15th Century Ralph Nader with those awful working conditions in those ships.
You think Ben Franklin would have enticed electricity with a kite? No. Where the hell is his permit and his helmet? Although he looks like he's wearing one.
And forget discovering penicillin, it's a mole. Think of the allergies. So, maybe let's be a little reasonable. We're all trying. We're all on the same team.
So, while we all go back to work, maybe you lawyers take half days, chill out, catch a movie, because there's good news coming. We've got promising drugs, flattened curves, newly adopted hygiene practices, and good people like you doing great things. That's the real weapon.
Fact is, computer models, whether for climate or disease, never factor in human ingenuity. It can't because human ingenuity is impossible to predict, except that you know it will be there when the going gets rough. And sure enough, it showed up because you did, too. Nice job.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. His thoughts are off the hook and they are in his new book, author of "Don't Burn This Book," creator and host of "The Rubin Report," the Great Dave Rubin. There it is.
She's the sharpest thing in Seattle and that includes the Space Needle, Fox News contributor and host of "Crimes That Changed America" on Fox nation, Emily Compagno.
And we keep our distance at her insistence, host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox nation, Kat Timpf.
And when he is angry, he takes the stairs; when he's happy, he brings them back. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.
Look happy Tyrus. Geez.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I'm always happy.
GUTFELD: All right, David, is it wrong for people to be hoping that we can open the country soon? Feel free to plug your book in this?
DAVE RUBIN, HOST, THE RUBIN REPORT: Greg, as author of "Don't Burn This Book: Thinking for Yourself in an Age of Unreason," no, it is not crazy. It's time to go back to work.
I like my house. This is my studio. It's my garage. I've got a pretty good operation.
It's time to get out there. It's time to go to work.
You remember when people used to go out for a slice of pizza for lunch or you'd maybe have a drink with a friend after work, or sometimes you would just take a walk or go to the beach.
I'm here in California, the People's Republic of California. In Los Angeles, specifically. I've got a progressive governor. I've got a progressive mayor. My Mayor wants me to snitch on my neighbors. My Governor doesn't want me to go to the beach.
And it's like, if you're going to take the beach away from California, like why am I paying 98.8 percent in taxes, if I can go to the beach? Like Texas is looking pretty good these days. You know what I'm saying? Yes, we've got to get back to work. It's time. There's going to be some risk, but we've got to do it.
GUTFELD: And Texas has some great beaches. It's true. You take away the beaches, California is nothing. Emily, I was talking about how we could somehow tamp down lawsuits. You're a lawyer. Where do you stand on this?
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I noticed how you portrayed us in the intro, Greg. I will say that I think it's important and least the G.O.P. lawmakers have acknowledged that there needs to be liability protection in these additional phases. Absolutely.
And you and I have talked about this before that, to me, the bounce back in part depends on consumer confidence, right? So, us sort of doing our part, going to bars, going to restaurants. I'll definitely do my part on that.
But also the ability for there to be job-friendly policy. And there's a lot of policies currently in place that sort of hinder these businesses thriving. So it's not just about flipping a switch and having the economy reopen, but it's really about policies that can save and preserve jobs.
And so that's up to us to help lobby or, you know, talk with a vote essentially with those in power. As Dave mentioned, his mayor and his governor, they're in California. If they're not doing business friendly or making business friendly decisions, then it's up to us to hold them accountable.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Kat, how do you feel A, about the media and B, about the protests because you're libertarian, you're all for protests.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I just, you know, you don't want to have your protest be something that makes what you're protesting worse, the people going out not practicing social distancing, not wearing masks.
But I certainly understand the frustration and I'm frustrated. I think most people are, which is why I think it's so funny that -- well, it's not funny, but it's funny that Adam Schiff thinks that what everyone wants to hear right now is he is going to investigate Trump on this.
And just as someone with a background in standup comedy, I want to give him some advice that is good for comedians, but also would help him in this situation, which is read the room.
Like people are dying, people are losing their jobs. People are very upset. And it's not even as though he is saying I want to investigate this and see what happened so it doesn't happen again.
He is saying I want to investigate Trump, see what Trump did wrong, which just exposes it as a partisan hack job, because I'm sure you could find Trump made mistakes. You could find a lot of people made mistakes, everyone made mistakes.
And for example, as you also mentioned, spending a hundred percent of your energy in an impeachment effort that, you know, would never remove the President in February while this was all sort of building.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Tyrus, do you think people are going to moderate their behavior, or they're going to kind of return to the way they are once the country opens up?
MURDOCH: I think, it will probably be a mix. I think it will be -- some people will adapt to the new changes and there will be that one guy going, I've been shaking hands for 57 years, and you're going to shake my hand and my hand is like, no, bro, I'm not.
You know what I'm saying like, there's always going to be that one guy. You have to make changes, you have to make choices. And to piggyback off what Kat said, there's a weird visual there. People make mistakes. I myself made a mistake. And my homemade mask, I stole my wife's hair tie, because I didn't measure my face, right?
So big trouble, but I need to have my mask. So, you've got to make choices. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to do things wrong.
But I agree, it's time to get back. Let's work with the administration and the C.D.C., and let's not jump -- let's not go crazy. Let's not go nuts. But we do need to start making some gradual moves and the numbers are starting to show things are starting to go down.
So, I think -- I think it's a good time to make to make those changes. But yes, I'm not shaking hands anymore.
GUTFELD: Neither am and you know what? The number one sport is going to be finger pointing. And if anybody starts blaming somebody, you've got to ask them what they predicted. When did you want us to go back to work? How many people did you think are going to die?
If they can't predict, tell them to shove it? I don't -- I have no patience for the blame game when things -- when the risks start becoming visible, you know.
MURDOCH: You're going to get that, but there's this old thing my coach used to say and I always thought it was stupid, but now it makes sense. He used to say every time somebody points a finger at someone, there's three pointing back at him and all three of those fingers are probably contagious.
So, you know, what I am saying, there's more bad things coming at you than who it is pointing up because everyone wants to point fingers. You've got to say, what did you do?
GUTFELD: We've got take a break. Joe Biden's super awesome week. That's next.
GUTFELD: Biden is no longer hiding. This week Basement Joe finally address the sexual assault allegations by former staffer Tara Reade.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC HOST: Are women to be believed unless it pertains to you?
JOE BIDEN (D), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Look, women are to be believed and given the benefit of the doubt. If they come forward and say something that is -- that they said happened to them, they should start off with the presumption they are telling the truth. Then you have to look at the circumstances and the facts, and the facts in this case do not exist. They never happened.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: If only he had stopped there.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: I'm not going to question her motive. I'm not going to get into that at all. I don't know why she is saying this. I don't know why after 27 years, all of a sudden this gets raised.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: This gets raised. What is this? Huh. Anyway, meanwhile #MeToo leader Alyssa Milano is defending Biden over all this. In an op-ed, she says, she can't picture Joe doing any of those awful things. So, there's a new standard. If you can't picture them, obviously he's innocent.
Remember this woman was smirking nonstop at the Kavanaugh hearings, giving him no benefit of a doubt.
Now, Nancy Pelosi also backed Biden this week, and in a video endorsing him, called Joe, the voice of reason in the face of the coronavirus.
So, I'm told she didn't quite nail it on her first try. In fact, our producers got their hands on some outtakes.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TIMPF, IMPERSONATING NANCY PELOSI: Hello, I'm Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the International House of Waffles. Republicans just call it Waffle House because they are of course, xenophobic [bleep].
Nancy is out, well, it's actually short for Nandrew. People don't talk about that.
Much like our economy is fueled by commerce. I am fueled by hate.
I hear the voices of America. They speak to me, they say come into the light, Carol Ann.
We need progress and we need change, and who better to do that then Nancy - - Joe Biden.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Ah, all right, Kat, can you believe it took Nancy so many tries to get it right?
TIMPF: Yes, no, I mean just my face is still sore, so I don't know how she does it. This isn't new, right, this believe all women but maybe not this person this or that.
This even happened in 2016 when Hillary Clinton had Believe All Women on her website, even though she is married to someone who has been accused of sexual assault, and then when people started bringing that up, she just quietly deleted it.
TIMPF: It's not -- I've never understood the Believe All Women thing, it's not there to understand the #MeToo Movement. I think it's very important because powerful men can get away with abusing or otherwise engaging in sexual misconduct because of their power, if they pick victims that don't have that kind of power, that's very important. I'm glad we're having that conversation.
I do not understand for the life of me why I Believe All Women should ever be the slogan of anything. I mean, this is a new movement. They've got to pick their own slogan, why would they set themselves up for failure with one where there was obviously going to be these kinds of issues?
GUTFELD: That is a good point. You know, Emily, here is another good point. Donald Trump was never presented as a moral beacon. But when this election came up, they were presenting Joe as the classy moral alternative to the orange monster.
So, are they kind of in a bind when the person that was supposed to be morally superior has a lot of dirt under those fingernails that he keeps touching people with?
COMPAGNO: Right and spreading the COVID.
COMPAGNO: Exactly. And I think that was sort of Alyssa Milano's point in her op-ed defending him where she was, you know, moving away from the Believe All Women to the point of oh, now it's gray. You guys in here, let me explain and explain why he is no longer the Messiah.
But to me, you know, I haven't heard a whisper and he worked on the Violence Against Women Act. How is that a justification for something you didn't know?
Like, just because you didn't know something doesn't mean it's preposterous. There were three billion memes floating around the planet about this guy sniffing hair and rubbing people's shoulders, and we all called him Creepy Joe. So, it's not like he was running a tight defense on this the whole time, and that this is out of left field.
And you know, in terms of Kat's point about the Believe All Women, I just have to say that the only thing I hate just as much as a rat is a snake. And that is Pelosi, and I couldn't imagine being an actual victim and having the nation's government's most powerful woman come out and say, Believe All Women and then when it comes time for me to have her say, but not you.
GUTFELD: Yes. Hey, Tyrus, do you -- let's talk about Hillary. When I was watching that Town Hall, I just felt like Hillary was like waiting for Joe not to drop out, but just to drop because she wants that job.
MURDOCH: You know that old saying, speak of the devil and she will appear. I called this last week. Did I not say it?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: I made that call. Why am I not up 50 points you might ask? Now, I think what she was trying to do was to trick him into giving her the nomination and coming out for her.
I think that she was trying to do the old switcheroo where she was there to endorse him, but she thought maybe she could trick him into saying, yes, of course. Hillary I endorse you and we're all here tonight to endorse you because you know, he is not afraid of the misspeak or misstep.
GUTFELD: Dave, do you think these endorsements matter at all or whatever you want to answer. Talk about your book?
RUBIN: Well, Greg, as author of "Don't Burn This Book: Thinking for Yourself in the Age of Unreason." This is something that I've thought about a lot.
First off, I just want to clarify one thing earlier -- in the earlier segment, you said that you're not going to be shaking hands anymore, but when we have our sleepovers, you're still going to be little spoon, right? I just want to get that clear first.
GUTFELD: Exactly. That will never change.
RUBIN: Yes. Okay.
GUTFELD: That will never change.
RUBIN: Okay. All right. That's good. To specifically answer the very open- ended question you gave me there. I mean, look, when you say you're for all women, you can't be for groups. It doesn't make any sense. I'm for all women. So, all women must be telling the truth. That's like saying, I'm for all men. All men must be saying the truth.
All black people must be saying the truth. All gay people must be saying the truth. It's actually patently absurd. And the sadder thing about Biden is they've got him trapped in this basement.
And if you remember that episode of "The Simpsons," when it was -- they did this crossover with "The X Files" and you find out that every morning they're injecting Mr. Burns with this like cocktail of drugs to just get him up and he kind of glows and floats around and then you know, then they put him back in the next day.
It's like this is sad and I'm kind of with Tyrus, I've been I've been teasing this out for a while, like a year ago I was saying 33 percent Hillary, then it was 50. I think we're getting to 75 percent, at least not Biden, maybe not necessarily Hillary, but I think we're at 75 percent not Biden at this point.
GUTFELD: So, I've got to wrap up, but she is running the risk of a double humiliation. Like if she has the ultimate comeback and beats Trump, huge; but if she loses twice to Trump, oh, it's the worst thing ever. I can't even think of anything like Chevy Chase's talk show or new Coke.
TIMPF: She would write another book.
GUTFELD: Exactly. All right, we've got to go. Time for another break, maintain your distance, but never to me.
ASHLEY STROHMIER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Ashley Strohmier. Immigration detainees and guards clashed Friday night at a Massachusetts Detention Center. At least three of the detainees were treated at the hospital. Authorities say it started when 10 I.C.E. detainees refused to be tested for the coronavirus. That's after each reported having at least two symptoms of the virus that they allegedly broke windows and washing machines and pipes off the walls. It costs $25,000.00 in damage.
One Houston Police officer is dead and another critically hurt after the helicopter crashed into an apartment complex. The helicopter missed the apartment buildings but clipped part of the clubhouse as it fell to the ground. No residents were hurt. They were responding to reports of bodies floating nearby.
I'm Ashley Strohmier. Now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW. For all of your headlines, log on to foxnews.com.
GUTFELD: Is this a win for General Flynn? Newly unsealed documents show top F.B.I. officials openly questioning what their goal was in interviewing the former National Security adviser. This was all part of the F.B.I.'s Russia inquiry.
Handwritten F.B.I. notes say quote, "What is our goal? Truth/admission or to get him to lie so we can prosecute him or get him fired?" That was January 2017. By February, Flynn was fired from the White House and by December 2017, Flynn had pled guilty to lying to the F.B.I. Wow. Fast work F.B.I. And they say bureaucracy is inefficient. I wonder where these dirty filthy cops?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: These were dirty, filthy cops at the top of the F.B.I. and you know the names better than I do. And they would dishonest people.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Dishonest people, which brings me to one of the agents that interviewed Flynn. His name Peter Strzok. You remember him from the Hillary e-mail server investigation, the F.B.I. guy that was texting his F.B.I. lover about how awful Trump was.
And then he was fired when the texts were leaked. That Peter Strzok. Records show, stepped in to keep the Flynn investigation open when it initially found a lack of derogatory information.
Also, he did this in front of Congress.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He has already answered that question. So now the gentleman from Maryland.
He has already answered that question, so now, the gentleman from Maryland --
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It's one reason I did this story, just to show that creepy video again and remind you how creepy he really is. Hey, Emily. I know it is creepy, isn't it? I believe that he should be exonerated and then made head of the F.B.I. Would that be hilarious?
COMPAGNO: That would be poetic justice, indeed. I have to say, the attorney in me is unfortunately unsurprised by their tactics and by the strategy, but it's the citizen in me that isn't surprised by this entirety of circumstances.
We've been dealing with this now for years, right? Who would actually be surprised by reading these notes and figuring out that their goal, heaven forbid would be to investigate and see where the evidence leads them.
But instead, it's for our nation's cops to get him fired or to prosecute. I mean, this is like an episode of "Mean Girls" where their goal is an administrative action.
I think what's so disappointing to me as well is that there's a lot of players in this entire thing that are running around skipping or doing that absurd body thing that you just showed that just cracks me up like Comey who when he publicly stated the reason that he is not prosecuting Hillary Clinton, right, it was for this code that we don't use that very much anymore.
So, that double standard is, it's just so apparent. Where are they going to be held accountable? Hopefully moving forward.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Tyrus, I remember three years ago for like a steady two years, there was this every week we were doing this show, we were promised a nightly bombshell by the left every day. Every day was a bombshell in the morning, a bombshell at night, and a proof of Trump's corruption and criminal imprisonment.
And then it turns out all these bombshells are like friendly fire that it's coming back to hit the people who were predicting them.
MURDOCH: For real, though, that's where we are at? For real? You're surprised?
GUTFELD: No, not really.
MURDOCH: Hey, listen, you know my investigation on old white men. You know, I've been investigating this for well over two years now, correct, Greg?
GUTFELD: That is true.
MURDOCH: Welcome to the party. Brothers, we've been going through this forever. You go into the Police Department and they have a narrative.
Oh, he's six eight. Clearly, he fits the description of the five one to six nine guy who stole a car so we're going to do whatever we've got to do to get that confession.
I've been -- you know, during this stay-at-home, I've been watching a lot of "Innocent Files," Greg. Flynn needs an episode on there. There's a lot of stuff going on here, so well, and now you know what brothers we go through every time we get pulled over there.
First they don't say, how are you doing? Or how are you driving? Got any drugs in the car? See what I am saying? Narrative. See, it sucks, doesn't it? It hurts. It stings. Sorry, you had to go through that General Flynn, but welcome to the dance or pretty much every other weekend of my college career.
GUTFELD: You know, Dave, it's actually an interesting point because there are a lot of liberals who would be screaming about this behavior if it was a young minority, but they're not in this case.
RUBIN: Yes, well, you know, I'm sure you've seen the movie "Idiocracy," and I'm starting to think that we're entering a phase in America where there is simply nobody left to trust. Period.
Like, we are about a week and a half away from being told that we're supposed to water the crops with Gatorade, you know what I mean? And if we don't have anyone to trust, then it's going to get a lot worse.
And by the way, that's what much of this book, "Don't Burn This Book: Thinking for Yourself in an Age of Unreason" is about. We need institutions that we can trust.
I mean, joking aside, we need an F.B.I. that we can trust. We need a C.I.A. that we can trust. And in this regard, I mean, Trump is actually getting rid of some bad actors and actually, that's a good thing.
GUTFELD: No, you're absolutely right. He is actually draining the swamp. Kat, my favorite part of the story is that they were done in by a note taker. Don't you hate people who take notes? Like you are probably an immediate or I was in a meeting, somebody took notes and I'm screwed or you're screwed.
TIMPF: That's true. But yes, again, as a libertarian on the panel, I'm just so shocked to hear that there even is such a thing as a cop abusing their power, but I'm obviously being sarcastic. So all the Republicans watching, just welcome.
It's not -- when you say that, people say you're not supporting law enforcement. I obviously support law enforcement. I'm glad there's cops. I'm small. I'm unaware of my surroundings. I am very murderable. I also have lots of cops in my family. They're great.
But when you see the bad apples, someone who is abusing their power, it's so important to be very vocal about how disgusting that is, regardless of the politics or of who it is. Because that's what keeps that power in check.
So yes, Michael Flynn lied, not good. But I can't believe how many people are not just universally up in arms that these cops literally said they were not going over there to investigate a crime, but to try to coerce him into committing one. That's completely outrageous regardless of politics.
GUTFELD: You know, Kat, just a word of advice. Don't put murderable in your Tinder profile.
TIMPF: Oh, I've got to change it.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. It attracts strange people.
All right, up next, a message for your pets. You don't want to miss this. Make sure they're watching.
GUTFELD: Is your nose stuffy? Then stay away from Fluffy. A small number of cats and dogs have tested positive for COVID-19. So, the C.D.C. now recommends that you social distance from your pets as well.
Cats should be kept inside and keep your dogs on a leash at six feet away from people and other animals and obviously, no tongue kissing your lizard.
For more, we turn to our social distancing correspondent, Paul.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Thanks, Paul. You know, he deserves an Emmy. Tyrus, okay, people will social distance with their kids, their siblings, their grandparents. You've got to draw the line with the pets. Are you going to social distance from your fish?
MURDOCH: Oh how clever, Greg. I knew you were going to bring up my fish. You know here's the awesome thing about fish, smart guy. They are already social distancing. I can't cuddle with my fish because it would kill it.
GUTFELD: How about cuddle fish?
MURDOCH: We always have at least -- all the fish stay in their tank, I stay on my side. I think can also distance with pets. Matter of fact, we just got a new puppy. And you know what the most annoying thing to me, always has been, is some stranger coming going, oh, can I see your puppy?
Like yo, social distance. Back up. Can't touch the puppy. Look, but don't touch. I think it's a beautiful thing. Just keep people away from touching things that matter to you.
I mean, I've come to understand social distancing very specifically because I tried to social distance from my family.
MURDOCH: You know what I'm saying? Like, yo, six feet. Everyone back up. But that doesn't work, but just keep your bubble. Your pets are fine. Just don't let other people pet your pets which makes sense to me.
GUTFELD: You know, Dave, I think that this is possible because how are you going to cook? Look at that. You're already breaking the law. You're breaking the law. How are you going to coherently explain to your dog how to social distance? He's not going to understand. How do you explain it to a dog? How does that compute to their dog brain? You know what, you've trained your dog to be with you.
RUBIN: Clyde, after THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW, we can't come within 10 feet of each other. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with that? And no more no more Skyping with Jasper, Dana Perino's dog. You can't do that either.
RUBIN: I mean, it's all so crazy. If it wasn't for our dogs right now, we'd all be going nuts. I doing the exact same thing with my dog that I always have. Everyone should be loving their pets more than ever right now. They're keeping us all -- they're keeping us all happy in the midst of this craziness, and I got Clyde the day that the lockdown started here in LA. He was about to be put down, and we saved him.
GUTFELD: Well, you're always a fan of the doggy style, Dave. Where is Emily? Emily? I don't know. He's stylish. You people are disgusting when you always think about sex.
MURDOCH: I am taking notes, Greg. I am taking notes.
GUTFELD: Oh, please take notes.
MURDOCH: I am taking notes.
GUTFELD: It's on TV. Emily, wherever your animal goes, you're going to have to vacate and animals love to be near you. They like to sit on your lap. So every time they come you, you're going to have to move. This will never be able to -- you can't do this. It's impossible.
COMPAGNO: And you can't do this. It's horrible. And the thing is for a human, you can articulate to them. You can explain to your sister why you are running in horror if they're trying to approach you or embrace you, but you can't articulate to your pet.
They just think they're being abandoned. This is literally like torture and when this whole thing first started, there is this older man and I see him every day walking his little dog and he came up to me -- this was like a few days into the home quarantine.
And he was like, you know, we're buddies, we chat at the lake, and he asked if dogs can get it. And at that time, I thought the answer was no. So I was like, oh, no, you're fine. And he was like, oh, good. You know, I couldn't imagine not giving my dog hugs. And I just keep thinking about that.
To Dave's point about the companionship and the comfort that these animals are giving so many people who are considered vulnerable, especially the elderly, I mean, get out of here. Like I'd rather die with COVID with my dog in my arms.
GUTFELD: Well, you know, who knows, maybe you killed that guy's dog. I hope you're happy, Emily with your terrible, terrible advice. Awful person that you are. You are terrible. Oh, no, you can't get it.
MURDOCH: She lied, Greg. She lied.
GUTFELD: She lied. She lied. You can't get pregnant standing up, I heard that, too. Kat, you have a cat. You have a cat and a dog in a New York apartment. This is impossible.
TIMPF: It is impossible because just as everyone has already mentioned, they don't speak English no matter what you've seen in a family friendly, hit "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey." They do not speak English.
And another point is they're not really self-sufficient, especially, Carl the puppy.
TIMPF: He is not -- like okay, if I had coronavirus, it would be great advice to you know, stay away from him, you know you'll have the risk of maybe giving him the coronavirus; however, I will take those chances over the 100 percent chance that he would absolutely kill himself on accident if he was left to his own devices. I mean, it's a puppy.
I can't leave him alone for two weeks. I don't really want to know what happened if I avoided contact with him for two minutes.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know, you make a great point. You know, pets, if you're in America, speak English. Okay? Speak English. What's your problem? Or go back to whatever pet country you came from. Tired of them. Coming here and not learning the English. We've got to take a break. Time to sanitize your hands.
GUTFELD: You wear the mask, they lose the top. A strip club in Oregon has managed to stay open by retooling itself as a carry out restaurant with one hell of a drive-thru experience. Disgusting.
Exotic dancers at the Lucky Devil Lounge -- what a great name -- in Portland, it's always Portland -- perform in the club's parking lot while drive-thru customers wait for their food order. The ladies maintain safety and social distance by performing in masks and gloves behind metal railings just like me back in the 90s when I was working my way through college.
Because there is a God and the strippers have been deemed essential workers. The owner says customers are loving the new experience. I love the human penchant for innovation as well as strippers.
It makes you wonder, could all businesses be improved by adding exotic dancers? Strippers at a pet shop? Strippers at a Jiffy Lube? Strippers at a strip club? Probably not this is immoral, disgusting. Cue a funny video of someone failing on a stripper pole.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: See. Let that be a lesson to all of you people out there. Stripping is hazardous to your health. Emily, it's always the South -- wait, Northwest, It's always in Northwest. Remember the baristas? The bikini baristas? Wasn't that Washington?
COMPAGNO: Yes, totally.
GUTFELD: Because it rains.
COMPAGNO: Yes. Well, I don't know maybe, we're just awesome up here, Greg. But I have to say I feel like I'm kind of a different kind of attorney than you all think I am. But I absolutely love this. You guys, I love this so much.
GUTFELD: That's good.
COMPAGNO: I would so much rather see this all day every day, then like TikTok videos of families doing their dumb dances and socks and all of that crap in their living room, like, this all day.
And I have to point out, too that what disturbs me about it though, is that strip clubs are exempt from stimulus relief dollars. So, this is a legitimate business way. Right? It is ingenious. It is amazing. They pay taxes. They have payroll. They have licensures. And yet they are exempt from stimulus relief dollars because of some type of morality clause that I don't believe in. I'm all for strippers everywhere. Let's do it.
TIMPF: Me, too.
GUTFELD: Emily, the fact that stimulus relief in this story twice earns you a return engagement very soon.
Kat, I believe -- I believe that strippers as a story ingredient makes every story interesting. It's like space. Like if you say, let's do a story on animals. Animals in space makes it better. So, it's like if you say I don't know, carwash boring -- stripper carwash, not boring.
TIMPF: Well, those are the only car washes I would ever go to.
TIMPF: I just really hope -- this is great. I love this. I just hope people are really, really tipping these strippers. I'm serious. Because from what I understand, like they make most of their money from tips like I could be wrong. Maybe they have like salaries and 401(k) like great vision dental insurance. I don't know but I don't think that they do.
So, if it's only 30 bucks for a stripper show and some food, then like, you really have to tip them a lot. And I'm just -- I'm glad this is working. I think it's awesome. But I'm shocked because I always thought that the stripping was like less about the boobs and more about like the emotional manipulation of men.
So, either I'm wrong, or these women have figured out how to emotionally manipulate men without them even having to get out of their car, which is pretty awesome.
GUTFELD: It's incredible. You know, Dave, I worry about the types of food that's being served. Could they be scalding? You know, if you're not wearing a lot of clothes, you don't want to serve hot bacon.
RUBIN: No, that's a great point, Greg, and I just want to say this is truly one of the breast segments you've ever done on this show and the whole show has been titillating from top to bottom. Truly, it has.
But more important than any of that I want to say that it is our God-given right to drive into a strip club and have a woman pole dance in front of you and have hot wings delivered to you and that is exactly, my friend, the very thesis of "Don't Burn This Book: Thinking for Yourself in an Age of Unreason." Thank you and good night.
GUTFELD: Yes. Last Word. Tyrus. Good idea? Bad idea?
MURDOCH: A stripper -- a drive-thru strip club?
MURDOCH: Hi. Yes, I would like a Stormy Daniels special dressed like Oprah Winfrey with Ellen DeGeneres's personality. Oh, hold on. My wife. I am getting my wife's order. Yes, she'd like to Lou Ferrigno in a time machine dressed like Keanu Reeves with Lou Dobbs' smile to go and to Diet Cokes. Two Diet Cokes. Phenomenal. It's amazing.
GUTFELD: That's true. I get it. Like you could order specials. It finally dawned on me what you're doing. I'm very slow. You know? I don't know.
MURDOCH: America is not though.
GUTFELD: I'm all for American creativity, ingenuity, but safety. So, self- distance when you're stripping everybody. More after this.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Dave Rubin, Emily Compagno, Kat and Tyrus, I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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