So either Trump wins and Hillary loses or Trump loses and Hillary wins. Here's advice for both on each occasion:

So trump, if you win: After thanking family, supporters and assorted water boys, promise critics that President Donald is not campaign Donald. That you'll serve all Americans -- not just fans, but critics. That means admitting to mistakes, then seeking to heal. Please don't audit me.

Now that means, Hillary, you lost. You had a good run. Now go become a billionaire like you've always wanted. Start a bed and breakfast with Huma. You could serve Weiners.

But if you win, Hillary, don't gloat: Wikileaks looms. Your best bet: Find the middle of the road and prove those wrong who called you Castro in culottes.

Now, Donald, if you lose, concede politely. And when you launch Trump TV, please give Alex Jones the slot he earned -- right after Scott Baio.

To Trump's media pals, if he loses, I know you'll blame those who didn't back him. But you made that bed and kicked everyone -- but Trump -- out. You own it.

Last, for Democrats: Figure out how to talk to white men. Republicans? Figure out how to talk to everyone else.

And Gary Johnson? Buy a globe.

Finally, America: congrats. We did something together -- we voted. That's teamwork. Some countries don't get this far. So no matter who wins, pat yourself on the back. This ain't Russia... yet!