Facebook set to expand its dating service to 14 countries including the US
The social media platform has created a 'secret crush' list as a way to match potential couples.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," May 4, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC ANCHOR: Madam Secretary, thank you so much for being here.
HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER FIRST LADY: Thank you so much, Rachel. I'm glad to see you.
MADDOW: How's things?
CLINTON: I'm a little busy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: No, you're not.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: All right, what a daycare center our media has become, a collection of shrinking toddlers soiling their diapers over the Mueller report. They're now screaming cover up, forgetting that the report is public. Look you, dopes, if you're going to spin a conspiracy theory, make it about UFOs or Bigfoot or what's in Rachel Maddow's coffee, but not -- but not something that is available to everyone because we all know what's in the report. This is not Jimmy Hoffa his corpse, you jackasses.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And yet, here they go.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He was being deceptive and deceitful.
JEFFREY TOOBIN, CNN LEGAL ANALYST: I have to say I found his answers total gobbledygook about that. I mean, you know, the fact is, Mueller wrote a letter of protest.
ALISYN CAMEROTA, CNN ANCHOR: I think that I am channeling many members of the American public who feel that these past two years have been disheartening for people who believe in justice. I'm sorry, if I sound like they've broken my spirit.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, dear, they've broken her spirit.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Hearing about a report have broken spirit.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Get a hobby. So now it's about Barr, a guy whose resting face at the hearing looks like Ralphie after Santa tells him, "You'll shoot your eye out kid."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And all he did -- all he said was what Mueller said.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAM BARR, ATTORNEY GENERAL: The evidence is now that the President was falsely accused of colluding with the Russians.
And we concluded that the evidence developed during the Special Counsel's investigation was not sufficient to establish that the President committed an obstruction of justice offense.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Sexy. So Barr got that report out in full before the media could smear their goofball sauce all over it. And when it wasn't to their liking, they had to attack not what's in the report, but how the report was released. So that's like returning a Christmas present, because you didn't like the wrapping paper.
And remember, this absurd hearing is about something that's been over and done with. For these losers, it's like having the engagement party after your fiance already dumped you.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: But the media has self-induced amnesia. Remember, last March --
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIM ACOSTA, CNN CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Special Counsel Robert Mueller concluded there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government in 2016.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That was March. Still, the media was shocked when the full report dropped a month later.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ACOSTA: The President tweets "no collusion, no obstruction." Once again. It's a lie.
JAMES CLAPPER, FORMER DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE: If there wasn't an active collusion proven, then I think what we have here is a case of passive collusion.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: (Talking gibberish).
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So now we're talking two months later, and they act like it's still news to them.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC ANCHOR: He is actually as dangerous in the position of Attorney General as Donald Trump is as President of the United States. Barr is not an Attorney General of the United States. He is Donald Trump's attorney. He's his lackey. He's his stooge.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It's cute that he says "lackey" after she tells him to say "lackey."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: What do you call that kind of person? Oh, yeah, a lackey.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So you know what my definition of insanity is? Journalists hitting their head with the same mallet every day thinking it will change facts. Now remember, my "Die Hard" theory. Each Christmas, we watch "Die Hard." My theory, we know the ending. We know the ending, the good guy wins. The media and the Dems, however, they watch the same movie and they keep thinking the ending is going to change. And when it doesn't, there go the bladders.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So they held a hearing because they didn't like how this movie ended, and they keep trying to remake it into a costume drama, featuring their favorite leading lady.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CLINTON: This is as big a sign of a guilty conscience or a real fear that you could possibly have. I mean, I'm living rent free inside of Donald Trump's brain and that's not a very nice place to be, I can tell you that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Living rent free in Trump's brain. Well, at least that way you can say you're back in the White House.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Ah. Winner. All right, I love it, though that she's giving analysis on obstruction. I wonder while she's doing that she's sitting on a hammered Blackberry.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So once again, we see the media and the Dems colluding to keep the Russian story alive. That's because conflict cells, and if you subtract the collusion BS from our daily lives, what's left? Well, a booming economy, peace, prosperity, unemployment rate just dropped again to 3.6 percent. That means anyone can get a job if they want it, including this guy.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And this guy.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And this guy.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Could have gotten a better picture. But good news doesn't sell on those other networks, and it won't elect a Democrat so the Democrats play along. Can you find the bozo in this picture?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Now why would Steve Cohen, a Democrat bring fried chicken to a hearing? For his constituents? The American people? No, he did it for the cameras, because there's nothing more appealing than some old gas bag smearing his jowls with deep fried carcass grease.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: By the way, I believe this is considered porn and Michael Moore's bedroom.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: To each his own, all right. And so the hacks collude to resuscitate a dead story giving mouth-to-mouth to a corpse that's been decomposing for weeks. They call it love. I call it abusing a cadaver.
Speaking of death, here's a transition. How about last week's Correspondents' Dinner? Always a big deal. Everyone covers it. After all, it's the media and the media loves covering themselves. CNN ran it. MSNBC ran it, but we didn't. You know what we did? We ran this show instead. And guess what? With your help, we beat CNN and MSNBC combined. Both of their audiences together, we beat them. So you, too--
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: You tuned into us not them, and we thank you because we're grateful. You allowed us the privilege of kicking their asses and we loved every damn minute of it.
(Cheering and Applause)
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so smooth that jazz listens to him to unwind, campus reform editor-in-chief and Fox News contributor, Lawrence Jones.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He tweets more than he eats, the other Stephen Miller, writer Stephen Miller.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: She puts hexes on all her exes, host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He's so blunt that Snoop Dogg once tried to roll him up and smoke him. Former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Lawrence, what are you making this week? The hearings, whatever you want?
LAWRENCE JONES, CAMPUS REFORM EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Well, I think that it's time for the media to have some sort of intervention, right? And, you know, there's everybody else in media, then there's Fox News. So we can only have that intervention with them.
And when you look at the ratings, especially in April, it was such a cluster. You know what, when it came to the media that you would think they would wake up and say, maybe we got this wrong? Maybe we should apologize to the President for all the conspiracies, but I think they're so far in that they just ran with the next thing, which was obstruction.
You can accuse me, but when I protest it and try to tell my attorney to do the fifth and just tell the American people the truth, then you obstructed justice.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know what? The media is now like Donnie Brasco.
JONES: Right.
GUTFELD: They got too far in and they can't get out and get out.
JONES: They can't get out.
GUTFELD: They can't get out. I don't even know if I saw that movie, Stephen.
STEPHEN MILLER, WRITER: Yes, it's good.
GUTFELD: It's a good movie?
MILLER: Yes. There are a lot of book deals writing on collusion.
GUTFELD: Really?
MILLER: That interview with Hillary -- that was -- that's just like, has anybody told Nana that she lost the election?
(Laughter)
MILLER: Or did they just treat it like the shock would be too great. So you know, she walks in and she goes, "I just had a wonderful conversation with my Secretary of State," and the family looks around and goes, "That's good, nana."
(Laughter)
MILLER: "What did you talk about?" Seriously, I'm thinking of moving to the State of Wisconsin, so I don't ever have to hear from her again.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Kat, thoughts?
KATHERINE TIMPF, CONTRIBUTOR: I've noticed as Democrats and people in the media talk about the Russia investigation as time goes on, it keeps getting smaller. At first they were saying Trump is a literal treasonous traitor who is a Russian agent working with Putin. And now it's, "Well, we didn't like the summary of this report that's available in full for you to read with only some redactions."
It's like when you're arguing with your boyfriend, you can tell you're losing it's a clear sign of being too petty when you start to ramp it down. Like you start by saying, "I saw you texted that girl. I know you're cheating on me." And he says, "That's my aunt." And you say, "Well, you left the toilet seat up four months ago."
(Laughter)
TIMPF: You know, you lost when you start bringing up the toilet seat.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Wow, that was a -- that went to kind of a strange direction.
TIMPF: Doesn't it always, Greg?
GUTFELD: It really does. It really does. I think you're referring to what Scott Adams calls the hoax funnel? When the hoax is this big, and then it gets lower, it gets narrower and narrower until you have nothing.
TIMPF: And then toilet seat.
GUTFELD: And then you have the toilets -- I often use a hoax funnel when I'm using the toilet seat. Tyrus, I don't know why. I don't know why.
TIMPF: Why?
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NATION HOST: Why you use a hoax funnel? I don't know. Just sit down.
GUTFELD: I am.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: I would use -- you know, I would use a hand gesture right now. But then an editor would have to like edit it out and it would take forever.
MURDOCH: And an EMT would have to get it out of where you were going to sit down with, so --
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: But if you would like to talk about this week.
GUTFELD: Yes, why not?
MURDOCH: You know, just to piggyback off Kat a little bit. The bitter --
(Laughter)
TIMPF: All right T-Kat.
MURDOCH: She's very strong. She's wiry. To hell with everybody in this building.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: The better lover thing is very accurate in a situation where they lot -- I mean, they went all in. There was no going back now. And Mueller, he hurt them. Because he said, "Let's leave it up to the worst group of paid individuals on the planet -- the Congress."
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: And also like to point out and this is how bad it is for the Dems. And it's probably like a slow motion thing where they're going to realize most of their candidates, if not pretty much all of them have are coming from the worst group of paid Americans in this country -- Congress. Like your rating was 21 percent. If we had a 21 percent rating, we would all not be here. These people won't even boo us.
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: It would not be -- I'm not booing for someone who's only okay 21 percent of the time. This is who is running for President of the Democratic Party and this is what they're fighting over. This is going to be worse than any breakup that we've experienced with Kat Timpf watching mainstream media.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: That is true.
MURDOCH: And Donald Trump --
TIMPF: And there have been some doozies.
GUTFELD: Yes, there has.
MURDOCH: This is going to sting for a long time.
GUTFELD: You dated a doozy? Just kidding. All right.
TIMPF: Don't laugh at that.
GUTFELD: I didn't know that. It's interesting. Which one? All right, later in the show cocaine shrimp, and a spy whale -- but first, does Biden need a boost to beat Trump? Wait until you see the product we've got for him.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Joe maybe slow, but he's got the mo' -- story for motivation or momentum. Who cares? A recent Quinnipiac poll says Joe Biden leading the very large pack of President hopefuls with 38 percent. Fifty six percent of Democrat-leaning voters say Biden has got the best shot at beating President Trump in 2020. Maybe so. But can Biden energize the voters? Does he have the zest that Trump has, especially at rallies? I mean, watch. Here's the typical Trump rally.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CROWD: (Chanting "USA.")
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: By the way, Saturday night, is there any place that's more fun than a Trump rally?
(Cheering and Applause)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right, all right. Oh, hold on a second. Wait until you see this. Here is the Joe Biden rally.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: ... well, think corporations. We need to eliminate these special tax breaks in the tax code. That would be worth a special mention. Let's get rid of capital gains loophole for multi-millionaires and Warren Buffett.
Not just for the wealthy, folks, not just for people who get four-year college degrees, but those who compete for job training and trades and programs. Look guys, we can do all this. It means being able to have a quality healthcare.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You don't see that at a Trump rally? No yawns at the Trump rally. Because Trump's a dynamo. He's a cat five hurricane, he never stops. These Dems are going to have to take something to keep up with him. Something like this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: Not just for the wealthy folks, not just for people who get four- year college degrees, but those who compete for job training --
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: Oh, man, this is so boring. Biden is putting everyone to sleep.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Having trouble paying attention to Uncle Joe?
SHILLUE: Yes, I want to hear him out. But he's just so damn boring.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's because he needs a Trump-fusion.
SHILLUE: Trump-fusion? What's that?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A Trump-fusion is the process by which the President's blood is injected into the body of a boring person so that they can inject some energy into otherwise mundane speeches.
SHILLUE: Interesting, but does it work?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sure does. Listen.
TRUMP: They never attack him on his look. And believe me, there is plenty of subject matter right there.
SHILLUE: Holy crap. You've just injected Trump's blood into Joe Biden. How is that possible? Is that even legal?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Let's not get hung up on the details. Just enjoy it.
TRUMP: We've got more money. We've got more brains. We've got better houses, apartments. We've got nicer boats. We're smarter than they are. And they say the elite. We're the elite.
SHILLUE: That's amazing. But what if I'm not running for President? And I just want to be more interesting. Could I get a Trump-fusion?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sure can. Because Trump-fusion now comes in portable form so everyone can have some.
SHILLUE: Hey, Kat.
TRUMP: I don't wear a toupee. It's my hair. I swear.
SHILLUE: Oh my gosh. Thanks Trump-fusion. This election season is going to be great.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: I thought that was you, Kat. For a minute there.
TIMPF: The voice isn't that deep yet.
GUTFELD: Yes, but one day it will be.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: If you keep vaping. Stephen, Biden at a disadvantage?
MILLER: I would have voted for that guy. That Biden with the Trump-fusion stuff.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MILLER: Yes, you see what Biden is -- he is kind of trying to member Barry Obama's campaign. He's just dropping Obama's name every you know -- hey, when things were with Obama and everything -- he's about a week away from hiring J.J. Abrams as his campaign manager, just do like -- he's just going to try and force awakens his whole campaign and then --
TIMPF: Is that a "Star Wars" thing?
MILLER: Yes. I know you told me not to do that.
TIMPF: Oh man.
MILLER: That's right. We'll watch it later.
TIMPF: No, we won't.
MILLER: Yes, so he's just trying to like conjure all these warm feelings of 10 percent unemployment and bad healthcare and endless wars and being friends with China and all of this stuff. And then he's like Hillary, where he goes away for a while and his polls go up because he shut up and he's been hooded like a falcon. And then he comes -- and then he realizes, when he comes back, and he starts opening his mouth, he has like a head full of vinyl siding and you just --
(Laughter)
MILLER: So I don't know, it just depends on if his head full of vinyl siding can outdo the other people.
JONES: That's a good point.
GUTFELD: Yes. I like him. I like hooded like a falcon. Kat? Thoughts?
TIMPF: I don't know if he'll be the nominee or not. But I think we need to be very careful to not make too much of early poll results.
GUTFELD: That is true.
TIMPF: Because if you remember at the beginning of the 2016 cycle, you remember who was ahead then on the Republican side. Jeb Bush.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: What's he doing now? I don't know. Maybe sleeping somewhere.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: Maybe --
GUTFELD: He is doing reverse mortgage commercials.
TIMPF: Yes, in a room asking people to please clap for him. I don't know. But I know that he's not President. And if you look at the polls, where he has the largest share of the vote, those are polls where there's no undecided option. When there's an undecided option, his share of the vote actually shrinks significantly. So a lot of it could just be name recognition, just like that one guy, Jeb Bush.
GUTFELD: What do you think, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: No, I agree with kat, and also I think someone has to tell the left that he is the leader.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is true.
MURDOCH: Because there is no attack campaign that the Republicans could ever outdo the attack campaign from the left.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: They are so upset that him and Bernie are in the race like every channel, I can't believe they're in. These guys are not what we wanted. Like this --
GUTFELD: White old guys.
MURDOCH: Yes, white old guys -- literally the most dangerous thing on the planet.
GUTFELD: Yes. Watch.
MURDOCH: You know, there's no -- I, myself, when I see a white old guy in my neighborhood, I tell the kids get in the house and lock the doors.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: I see through my blinds like this. Oh, he saw me. White old guy saw me. He is going to come over here and ask me for directions because he's lost. You know, just that it's a tough time for the Dems with scary old white people wanting votes.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: And never in my life -- Lawrence, I don't know if you agree with this, but when you see a situation where all white guys like, boy, times have changed.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: You see now an old white guy goes into restaurant, like, "Sir, we don't serve your kind here."
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: And I will be back going, "Well, if you've got to go, you've got to go, bro."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Lawrence, what do you -- what's your take on Biden?
JONES: Well, you know, it's sad because we know that anybody that's going to get the nomination needs the Obama coalition. And it seems with Uncle Joe, that he is that boyfriend that got broken up with, but he doesn't know it yes.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.
JONES; You remember all of the videos of him and Obama arms around each other and going to dinner in DC together, smiling together. And then he says, actually, I didn't want the President to endorse me. I told him don't endorse me. Then he comes out with a campaign in memory lane -- all the good things that Obama said about him, but they broke up.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: Yes, he just doesn't get it so, I kind of feel sorry for him.
GUTFELD: I do, but you know, people say his age is his disadvantage. I don't think so. Because if you've ever seen TV shows, aged criminals are always seen as nice. Once their hair starts getting a little white and they start wearing glasses, all of a sudden, age makes weirdos look less weird. I'm hoping that's the case with me. Up next, the wrong way to play beer pong by Kirsten Gillibrand.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. Federal investigators are trying to figure out what caused a 737 Boeing jet to skid off the runway and go into a river. This, as the jet was landing at a military base in Jacksonville, Florida, 143 people were all on board but everyone survived. About 21 passengers were treated for minor injuries, at least for pets are presumed to be dead. This was a regular scheduled chartered flight, it typically flies from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to Jacksonville and then on to Virginia.
Now with that stunning reversal at the Kentucky Derby, Maximum Security disqualified for interfering with another horse. Country House, a 65 to one long shot, declared the winner. This was a first for the derby. Maximum Security was the favorite and the only undefeated horse in the field. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”
GUTFELD: It really isn't funny what the left will do with your money. So "Avengers" has already made like a billion dollars. Good for them. Put out a good product, you reap the rewards. Not so to Bernie Sanders who tweeted, "What would be truly heroic is if Disney used its profits from "Avengers" to pay its workers a middle class wage instead of paying its CEO Bob Iger, 65 million bucks." So like a true socialist he has no idea how to make, but certainly knows how to take.
Meanwhile, Congressman Eric Swalwell tweeted that it's unacceptable that the word woman isn't mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. Then everybody had to tell Swalwell that the word man isn't mentioned in the Constitution either.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Because it says "We, the people," all persons born or naturalized in the United States that kind of covers everybody, Swalwell. He's running for President too, by the way, Swalwell.
Meanwhile, Kirsten Gillibrand unveiled the plan to give every voter 600 bucks -- every voter -- to donate to campaigns. She calls them democracy dollars, listen to her.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND, D-N.Y., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: It's $200 for each Federal election, so you get $200.00, $100.00 for primary and $100.00 for general for the presidential election, for your congressional election and for your Senate election.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That's stupid. It'll be Trump. Okay. She also played beer pong with water.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TEXT: If Kirsten makes this shot, will you donate $1 to guarantee her spot on the Democratic debate stage?
Donate $1 today.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: No, we're not. We're not donating anything. It's called beer pong, lady. You don't play it with water. You play it with beer. If you're my Uncle Gus, you'd do it like this.
(VIDEO CLIP PLAYS)
GUTFELD: He's an icon. Hey, Tyrus doesn't that strike you that a lot of these candidates are just kind of thirsty or desperate for attention?
MURDOCH: It's beyond that. Gus actually probably would have gotten some dollars.
GUTFELD: Yes, he would have.
MURDOCH: Because why? He was authentic. Crazy as hell, but he was authentic. That she played beer pong with water.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: So you didn't play beer pong.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
MURDOCH: You played 320 takes of you trying to get a ball in a cup.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
MURDOCH: I think that was take one, take two, take 35, take 50 -- she's cussing at us. But we're not the ones who can't make the bong. I guarantee you.
GUTFELD: She lost so much support among her own staff filming that garbage.
MURDOCH: Because that's forever.
GUTFELD: Lawrence, I think she has a problem like Hillary did. She's trying to imitate a human.
JONES: Yes.
GUTFELD: It doesn't work.
JONES: Well, I think they all do.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: You know, the crazy thing about Trump is he gets this bad rap for being so brash. But at least he's real.
GUTFELD: He is real.
JONES: And so that's what the American people want. And so after the last election, you would think they would say, "Oh man, let me just be myself, maybe I'll get some votes out of the vote of that -- nah."
GUTFELD: They need to -- if they get one real authentic person in the race, it could be interesting, Steve, but instead, they're all these phoneys. Swalwell.
MILLER: Yes, yes. Eddie Haskell.
GUTFELD: Eddie Haskell.
MILLER: I think --
GUTFELD: It's true.
MILLER: Yes, water pong Gillibrand is my least favorite Disney Princess.
(Laughter)
MILLER; While we're on, you know, the billion dollars and Bernie Sanders and the fifth row yelling while the "Avengers" are on the screen. Are you going to talk during the whole movie?
JONES: If she would have actually got drunk, she may have been interesting.
MILLER: Right, you know, there's a newly appointed -- newly appointed Supreme Court Justice who could have just taught her how to play that game properly.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
MILLER: It's not hard.
GUTFELD: Very good, very good.
MILLER: Just walk down the road. Knock on the door.
GUTFELD: Walk down the road. You wouldn't even take off the road. You go in --
MILLER: He'll just answer the door with the cups.
GUTFELD: Then he goes, can we bring my funnel later?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Kat, that's because Kavanaugh likes beer.
TIMPF: I got it. Yes, I got it. Honestly, though, if Kirsten Gillibrand's plan was what she says it was. I would love it. If she really was going to give us all $600.00, I would say absolutely. After all $600.00 better than no $600.00, but that's not what she's doing. She's not giving us money. She's taking our money and then redistributing it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I don't understand why that is seen as being kind or generous. That would be like if somebody stole my purse and then gave it to a political campaign.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I'd be like, "Hey, Bernie. Yeah, have enough money already. Buy your own purse. Bernie."
GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. Alyssa Milano said that the candidates shouldn't go after each other, which is the dumbest advice ever, because it's like not inoculating yourself before going to the tropics. You think Trump is going to like -- Trump is good to eat them alive. You've got to toughen these people up.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: I don't know. All right, still to come, we are really pushing this cocaine shrimp. Try the cocaine shrimp and the spy well. But first, Facebook's new dating feature called, Secret Crush, but your creepy exes rejoice.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Do you get a rush from a secret crush? This week, Facebook -- whatever that is announced it is expanding its dating service to 14 countries and the U.S. later this, but it is adding a new feature called, Secret Crush. Now, if someone puts you on their list, you get a note saying, someone has added you as a secret crush.
If you then pick the same person for your list, Facebook will match you together then reveal your names and then both of you are murdered by a gang of giant robots.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Anyway, I've already started my Secret Crush list. Here's my top three. Number one. There you go, Lou. Number two, Lou. Number three --
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's a Lou Dobbs jackpot. You are a winner.
GUTFELD: Wow, that is creepy. All right. Kat?
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Thoughts on this weird kind of thing?
TIMPF: This makes me sick.
GUTFELD: Okay.
TIMPF: Okay, how about if you have a crush on someone who you already know and talk to in real life, you, oh, I don't know. Tell them using your words.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
TIMPF: If you say, "Hey, I like you, would you like to go out on a date?" And none of those, "Do you want to hang out," crap that millennial men do.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: Like, if you want to go on the date, man up, ask me on a date and call it that.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know --
(Applause)
JONES: I like that.
GUTFELD: This whole thing hooking up thing has gotten too easy. I'm going to play the old guy here. When I was younger, okay, I'm going to go through this. I had to ask for a phone number, face-to-face, which is terrifying in your 40s.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And I can remember -- and I can remember when you got that phone number, how exciting it was and then when you called who answers? The dad. The dad answers all the time.
TIMPF: In your 40s?
GUTFELD: Yes. Well, they have to because the law --
MURDOCH: Kat, you're messing up the story.
GUTFELD: And they go, "Who's calling? Who's calling?" And then you're sweating and you hang up. You hang up. All this stuff is gone. And then finally, when you get the girl on the phone, you have to make small talk. And sometimes you don't even ask her out because you're too nervous. All that crap is gone. All the crap -- because now you can stalk somebody on Facebook, you can know ahead of time, what their likes and dislikes. And then you can pretend that you both happen to like Radiohead, when in fact, you've never listened to them.
But you know, she's a Radiohead freak and she's so naive. She goes, "Oh, he's a Radiohead fan." And next thing you know, something horrible happens. Lawrence?
JONES: Well, this is a culture problem though. Right? The shunning of real men and like the traditional standard has been made fun of. They want to weaken men. You know, you can't open the door or you're seen as you know, anti-woman someday. You pick up the tab and you're saying she's not independent enough.
So I think we've encouraged this as a society. Also, I think the whole Facebook thing is creepy. Also, Facebook is the biggest snitch on the planet.
GUTFELD: That's true.
JONES: Search something like a video, you'll get an ad about it all over the place.
GUTFELD: Oh, tell me about it.
JONES: I just wouldn't trust anything.
GUTFELD: The ointment ads.
JONES: Exactly. Bam. Yes. So I don't trust that.
GUTFELD: Neither do I, but actually, I'm grateful for the ointment ads, Tyrus.
TIMPF: Glad they helped you out.
GUTFELD: They did help me out. Ointments are the kind of like the underdog of products.
MURDOCH: Okay.
GUTFELD: Tyrus?
MURDOCH: What?
TIMPF: Thoughts on ointments?
MURDOCH: No, but I'm rash free. I'm happy to say so. There's a lot of things wrong with you and this story.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: For one, stalkers now have new light.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.
MURDOCH: This is a great tool for stalking. This is a really good way to get in touch with the wife. I secret crushed you. I didn't get a secret crush back.
GUTFELD: Oh, that's --
MURDOCH: What? Why would I secret crush? Well, obviously you don't, so who's your secret crush? I don't even have Facebook. Well, what ...
No, it doesn't mean anything now because now I know. Like, this literally will be the worst phishing tool for every dude who is just trying to watch sports.
GUTFELD: Right.
MURDOCH: I didn't check. Would you have secret crushes? No and if you do, it's your fault? What did you do to make these women think that they need to have a crush on you? Like this is horrible for men. And it's not just our fault. Chivalry is dead because women put a bullet on his head. I mean let's be real.
TIMPF: That's not true.
MURDOCH: That's 100 percent true.
TIMPF: That's not true. I won't get out of the car unless it is opened for me by the man I'm with.
MURDOCH: Just because you have car service.
TIMPF: I'm sure that everyone I've ever date thinks I do not know how to work a car door.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: I'll bet money on that because was it his car? Boom. No thank you.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: She's never dated a guy who owned a car.
MURDOCH: Yes, I was about to say. There's just some really nice Uber drivers out there really.
TIMPF: Owned is a strong word.
MURDOCH: Really solid Uber guys.
GUTFELD: All right, we're taking on, Kat.
TIMPF: Isn't it always how this goes? I just come here try to do my best, do a good job. Be honest. Give my best answers and everybody just craps all over me.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: You know that was a little long winded. Steve?
JONES: Why stop now?
GUTFELD: Yes. Final thoughts before we move on?
MILLER: I just want a Facebook app that just leaves me alone.
(Laughter)
JONES: You're going to get banned with what you just said.
GUTFELD: Yes, you're going to get banned.
MILLER: Yes, no, I need to just go out there and say I'm a conservative writer and bam -- got the hammer on me.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
MILLER: Yes, I mean if they really want target this, they're targeting the wrong people. They really need to like target the boomers because those are the main people that use the Facebook, so they can even incorporate all the like the cool political means that all the boomers are using so they need to do like who's the best meme? Is this meme going to -- if you're putting up like this meme of Trump like riding a T-rex or something like that, go and find another user who has done like a similar memo of that and then get them to match with each other.
GUTFELD: That's an interesting thing.
JONES: That's a good idea.
GUTFELD: That's a me -- like that's better than match --
MILLER: They can call it Meme First.
GUTFELD: Meme First.
MILLER: No, really. Just leave me alone, Facebook.
GUTFELD: Yes. I'm going to move on to cocaine shrimp and a spy whale. If that doesn't make you stick around, nothing will.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: If it's beneath the sea, we're the authority.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is Sea N N.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Silly. Behold this headline. Scientists stumped as to why shrimp is testing positive for cocaine. I'm stumped, too. How did it roll up the hundred dollar bill?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: They tested shrimp in a rural part of the U.K. and found traces of coke in their systems. Weirder still, none of them are dating Charlie Sheen.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Well, that's a joke from six years ago. Meanwhile, in the waters of Norway, fishermen spotted this white beluga whale wearing a tight harness big enough to carry a camera or a weapon with a tag for a company called "Equipment: St. Petersburg." It's believed the whale escaped from a Russian military facility where it was trained perhaps to spy.
Fishermen did eventually remove the harness and the whale appears to be in good health. A spy whale, pretty smart. Smarter than these two.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
STEPHEN COLBERT, CBS HOST: I bet I could do more pushups.
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: I bet you could do, too.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, that's beautiful.
MILLER: He gave him a kiss.
GUTFELD: I thought that was beautiful.
JONES: Love wins.
MILLER: You think they're on Facebook?
GUTFELD: I think they're on Facebook. Yes. Tyrus. Cocaine shrimp or beluga whale? Pick your choice.
MURDOCH: I'll go with beluga whale for 200, Pat. You know I love with everything -- it's a spy whale. He's the Intel on bottom of boats and local fish populations. It was -- most Navy's -- the United States included. They have programs with whales. They use whales. And they have harness in the back because they usually carry tools and stuff with divers and stuff not freaking laser beams on their back.
And this whale well bent on destruction to destroy Norway? It had a change of heart and threw his gun away and decided to join the local culture. This is the world of media we live in.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Like it was probably a storm or something and he got lost. They took the harness off. He's fine, but no, he's a spy whale. How did you know? Because they asked if he was a spy and he wouldn't answer.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. But that makes him a really good spy whale, Kat.
MURDOCH: Yes, he wouldn't say nothing.
GUTFELD: Because he pretended to be a normal whale and Russians, this is all they do is they turn everybody into spies.
TIMPF: I want to talk about the cocaine shrimp.
GUTFELD: You know, they have it at Applebee's?
JONES: Me, too.
TIMPF: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: It's coconut shrimp, Greg.
TIMPF: No, I just -- I couldn't get over when I was reading that story how mad you would be, how you would feel if you were a cokehead hearing about this story. Right? You would be so mad. You'd be like I'm out here spending all my money and ruining my nasal passages to get my fix and these shrimps are getting it for free? And they I don't even know if they have noses. I didn't Google that much.
I don't know if they have noses. But I -- and I really feel for these shrimps because the whole cocaine thing, I don't really get it. Like you want to be awake longer. But for why?
GUTFELD: To write screenplays.
TIMPF: And I'm sure that there are some shrimps out there that are just trying to have a chill day. Like there's one shrimp that's like, "Can I please come down? I need a nap. I've been up for three days. But just more coke more coke, more coke."
MILLER: They're going to die anyway.
GUTFELD: Yes, but you know what it is? It's like they know, a shrimp knows if he wants to date a shrimp model.
TIMPF: He needs to have cocaine.
GUTFELD: You'd have to have coke on you.
MURDOCH: Are you serious?
GUTFELD: Yes, if you want to get like a shrimp model.
MURDOCH: You guys are encouraging this.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: How about the coke heads that live around the area. Stop flushing [bleep] down the toilet. How about that?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: That's what it is. It's because the cops are knocking on the door. You flush it all down the toilet. Lawrence, you've done that, I'm sure.
JONES: Yes, some of my former clients. You know, I'm allergic to shrimp and I thought it was --
MURDOCH: And cocaine. He is also allergic to cocaine.
JONES: Or maybe I'm just high.
(Laughter)
JONES: The entire time all that you can eat shrimp, I was -- I wasn't actually allergic to it. I was just high the whole time. I'm like itching, like, oh it's burning my skin.
GUTFELD: When you ate the shrimp, did you have this urge to tell everyone about your screenplay?
JONES: That too.
GUTFELD: Yes, that happens with with cocaine. Stephen?
JONES: I was twitching, too.
GUTFELD: Yes, Stephen.
MILLER: Yes, I just pictured some little kid standing on the shore of Russia with his leash in the water wondering where his pet beluga whale has gone.
Did you see that they said that this this whale defected. So they said now it's like home in Norway, do they learn nothing from famous Beluga sackings? The whale is a scout. They're going to send the rest once the Norwegians like deflate their rubber horses. Now they're going to send the rest of the beluga whales and they're going to take over Norway.
JONES: The question is --
MURDOCH: So they're going to have to build a wall in the ocean.
GUTFELD: Build a wall in the ocean.
JONES: How many of those whales were Trump owned?
MILLER: Well, what's probably going to happen is Trump and Putin had a phone call yesterday --
JONES: They are the collusion.
MILLER: Right? So what's probably going to happen is they're going to get some of those super spy heavy beluga whales get them into Lake Michigan and put another cloaking screen over the state of Wisconsin again.
TIMPF: I'm lost.
JONES: That would make sense.
GUTFELD: You know, it's funny, you know, as you know, my wife is Russian. I read this story and you know, I went through her closet. I was just looking for any kind of spy harness that she might have. Then I realized that my wife isn't a spy because she's been married to me for 15 years and no spy could ever do that. I mean, that's like a three year gig and then you kill me.
MURDOCH: She's really dedicated.
JONES: That's a tall --
GUTFELD: It's two years, three years' time, but if she could do it for 15 years, she's no spy. They would have given her a medal after two.
JONES: Oh, yeah.
GUTFELD: But I did find the spy harness. I'm wearing it right now. Anyway, all right. Just two shows left for "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" Sunday in Dallas. But in Monday, still tickets available in Midland, Texas. Special guest Tom Shillue. You've got to go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info. "Final Thoughts" are next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought. That why it's called the "Final Thoughts," okay.
GUTFELD: We only have time for one "Final Thought" so Stephen, do you have a final thought?
MILLER: Yes, oh Joe Scarborough calling anybody a lackey. Does he somehow think that everybody you know, if we just did the men and black blinky thing and like, gave us all amnesia about how he turned his show over to Donald Trump during the 2015-2016 election. And then of course, you wanted to get married at the White House. Of course all those trips to Mar-a- Lago.
GUTFELD: Yes, good point. That's a final thought.
MILLER: We remember those things, Joe.
JONES: That was a couple of thoughts.
MURDOCH: Joe is an idiot.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: That's two final thoughts.
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