Dennis Miller's Most Memorable Moments

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 20, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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LAURA INGRAHAM, GUEST HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, some of the very best Dennis Miller moments. Let's roll it.



HILLARY CLINTON, SECRETARY OF STATE: I am so grateful to him for a lifetime of all kinds of experiences.


O'REILLY: We're debating on "The Radio Factor" whether that was an intentional zing or just was an ad-lib that just happened kind of naturally. What do you think?

Click here to watch some of Dennis Miller's most memorable moments!

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I love that sort of stuff. Good for her. You know, I've said in the past on this show that if Hillary does want to zing, she has, you know, plenty of right to. I mean, for God's sakes, she's been cheated on more frequently than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. If it was a zing or it was just sort of pillow talk in front of the nation, I find it endearing. I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job. I think all of it has led her to a place where she's quite — it's quite becoming. I find her very gracious and funny, and I thought that was charming.

O'REILLY: Did you feel sorry for Bill?

MILLER: Listen, Bill is like a big loopy horn-dog, who's just always zulligan around the scene. I think he rolls with it, man. He, more than anybody, realizes human imperfections.


BILL CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It depends upon what the meaning of the word "is" is.


MILLER: It was never that part of Clinton that bugged me. It was how malicious he was with the women when he was finished. You know, that was the real problem. He would sic Carville on them, and that's always bugged me. But as far as his sort of loopy amiability and his brights, no, he never bugged me either. I thought he was a little malicious like a raccoon out at your recycling bin when he got cornered.

O'REILLY: Now, let's get into A-Rod. You're a sports guy, follow it. Is this a big story for you?

MILLER: Well, you know, Billy, I gave up on baseball to some degree in '94 when they jumped the shark on the World Series. I haven't gone back completely to the game as it is. I'm in love with the game, you know, the 90 feet between bases, the Elysian Fields. I love all of it. Nothing makes me happier than being in a ballpark at night. But it's more about the game to me now than it is the current construction of the game, which I find disappointing and just another thing that's emblematic of the off-the-rack conflicted culture we live in. I think this is smart on Rodriguez's part though. I went back and researched it. During those two years he hit 57 and 52 homers when he was on the juice. We're at 109. I would probably give him credit for 40 a year if he isn't on the juice. So that's 80. So he's going to say, "That's 30 homeruns less, because I was cheating those two years." I think eventually he'll get into the Hall, because he hasn't completely lied about it like McGwire or taken the Fifth like McGwire.

O'REILLY: Do you think the fans are just going to brutalize him? I do.

MILLER: You know, Bill, if you'd made $25 million a year for 10 years, there's not a whole lot — I mean, a living hell takes on a whole different thing. When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell. This — he's going to have some reporters in his face. But what do you do? You get on with it.

O'REILLY: The rumor is you're going to be on "Dancing With the Stars" shortly. Is that true?

MILLER: I heard you're on next year with Barney Frank. Now what the heck is that all about?

O'REILLY: I'm not dancing with Barney. If I'm going to be on that show, Ann-Margret is coming on with me.

MILLER: Here is you on "Dancing With the Stars." You're walking around doing a pirouette with Julianne Hough, spinning here, right on top of your hand. You spin to the camera in that satin shirt and start tearing Jeffrey Immelt a new one right in front of the camera.

O'REILLY: Listen, I used to be a wicked disco guy. But you, you're big into this "Dancing With the Stars" deal, huh?

MILLER: Yes. What are you, a virgin? You always act like you don't watch. What, are you sitting at home at night watching "The Factor" on a perpetual loop?

O'REILLY: I have never watched this program, Miller. I read books.

MILLER: I'm sure you're out there curing lepers and throwing "Factor" pottery in the kiln. Come on.

O'REILLY: I have to read books so I can understand what you are talking about.

MILLER: I like the show because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

O'REILLY: I know what skeevy means because I read books.


O'REILLY: Ahh, ahh, it's like the Wicked Witch of the East.


O'REILLY: Helen Thomas, I was mean to her last night, apparently. And what say you?

MILLER: Well, it's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain here. Here's how I see it. Helen's rice bowl is to bust on the president. Your rice bowl is to bust on Helen. "The View's" rice bowl is to bust on you. And my rice bowl is to help you get off the hook. So here goes nothing. (SINGING) Helen, you are so beautiful to me. Can't you see? You're everything I hoped for. You're everything I need. Helen, you are so beautiful to me.

O'REILLY: You know, Miller...

MILLER: Everybody's happy.

O'REILLY: ...I just am very glad you did not sing "Off to See the Wizard."

Dennis Miller, everybody.


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