Miller on Fire in No Spin Zone
Funnyman sounds off on Reid's pomegranate comments, Obama's pricey birthday fundraiser
This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," August 3, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: You might have seen a very strange statement made by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while the debt debate was going on.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. HARRY REID, D-NEV., MAJORITY LEADER: I think the Senate deserves to be able to go home as soon as we can, and for me personally, I've been here for a long time. I have a home in Nevada that I haven't seen in months. My pomegranate tree is, I'm told, blossoming. I have fig trees and roses and stuff that I just haven't seen.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: Here now to react, the sage of Southern California, Dennis Miller, joins from us L.A. Now, the rumor is that you wrote that for Reid so he would say it, and then you could mock him afterward. Is that true?
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Harry's so choked up about the pomegranate trees is that at this point at least intellectually speaking, he's considered to be existing in a vegetative state. Those aren't plants in his garden he's talking about; those are his friends. That's his peers, OK?
He acts like he's Maximus coming back to his vineyard after Roman wars or something. He's a dolt who presided over a Wile E. Coyote bill, where we have gone off the cliff. It's just the cartoon script dictates we don't fall right now, but that's exactly where we stand. You listen to him. You know, he was a boxer when he was young. I swear to God he was dropping his left because he sounds absolutely addled. He makes Mr. Potato Head come off like Stephen Hawking at this point.
O'REILLY: Yes. I have to agree with you, Miller. Why anybody in the middle of this intense debate would talk about pomegranate plants in his home and he's got to get back there when the country has a $14.5 trillion debt. I think we should go to his house and rip up the pomegranates. No, that wouldn't be funny.
MILLER: Listen, at this point half the pomegranates think he's an idiot, OK? I mean, they asked for -- they asked for a balanced thing, and the Republicans say, "OK, we want a balanced budget amendment," and they say, "Anything balanced except that. Anything but that. We want balanced. Not that balanced."
O'REILLY: I don't know. The stuff looks, you know, if somebody were coming here from Mars, they would say, "O'Reilly, you and Miller made that up. He didn't really say that." No, it's true.
All right. President Obama turning 50 tomorrow and is going up to Chicago to a big fundraiser. Top ticket, top ticket $35,800 bucks to hang with the president in a little birthday celebration. And you say, Miller?
MILLER: I say that's the very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should -- that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics. You take your 50th birthday and you start hanging out with donors. I'm hoping that somebody gives him a tea cake for his birthday. You think he'd appreciate that? Probably not after this week. And I would remind the president that he's in Illinois. It's a Democratic state. And they have a candle extinguishment surcharge tax. So 50 candles, I think, comes out $300 bucks a candle. Something like $15k to blow that cake out, Mr. President. The good thing about turning 50, Barack Obama, is that now the money that you donate to AARP will go right back into your pocket. You'll be greased by yourself, OK?
O'REILLY: So you pay your dues, can get it back in the campaign donation.
MILLER: There you go. It all comes back.
O'REILLY: I don't know how that feels, that 50 thing, because that's a few years away from me. But you've been -- but you, you have -- you have experienced that a number of times. But you can't sit there and tell me, Miller, because I know you, that if on your birthday somebody wants to pay you $35,800 bucks, you ain't going to let them hang out with you because you are.
MILLER: Yes. You're probably right, Billy, because on your 50th birthday, what they don't tell you is that your prostate turns into the Underdog balloon from the Macy's parade.
O'REILLY: Is that so?
MILLER: I think.
O'REILLY: Don't worry. Obamacare will take care of it.
MILLER: That's actually written up in there. That's how specific that bill is.
O'REILLY: OK. You know this guy Putin? You know Putin? The guy who...
MILLER: Oh, boy, I know Putin.
O'REILLY: I don't recognize him without his shirt off. But he -- he has a brigade, kind of -- there -- whoa.
MILLER: Oh -- oh jeez.
O'REILLY: All right. But there's Putin. There he is again. It's cold in Russia, but Putin doesn't seem to know that.
MILLER: No.
O'REILLY: Anyway, he's got -- oh, the poor horse. Anyway, he's got a brigade of ladies who love him in Russia. And they go around washing cars for Putin. We're not kidding. This is true.
MILLER: I believe it. Look at those headlights. Billy, hey, look, it's that linguist chick from the show two weeks ago who became a citizen.
O'REILLY: No, that's not Marina. That's not her.
MILLER: I'm sorry. Well, listen, it's nice to know that the -- the warrior people that were the Russians that were able to hold off in Leningrad for 900 days against the Hun are now depending on baked good sales and Junior Achievement car washes to fund the military.
O'REILLY: I know. Used to be the KGB would send those ladies to Siberia, and now they're raising money because they don't have any money. So they're doing car washes. You think our economy is bad. Look what's going on over there.
MILLER: Yes.
O'REILLY: Putin can't afford a shirt, and these ladies are the economic engine of the whole country. Miller, look, this is right in your wheelhouse, man. You knew the headlight lines were coming. Come on.
MILLER: When you first said, "Look at Putin's army," I said, "What did he just say? Did I miss a memo on what we can say on the show?" And then I said, "Oh, Putin. Putin."
O'REILLY: Putin. I don't know how this segment got out of control.
MILLER: Scaring the living hell out of me.
O'REILLY: On Friday night, you go on "Leno." You and Jay -- you and Jay are buddies, right? You are pals. Now, will -- does he ever ask you about this segment, the "Miller Time" segment and how this thing goes? Or does he have no idea that it's on?
MILLER: I think he has an idea. Listen, I'll be honest, Billy. I'm about good for eight minutes of TV a week on any given calendar month. And I found the perfect place for me to do it. You and I are simpatico comedically. We have a good time. I love Jay. But you know, I just don't see him as much as I used to since I started doing "The Factor." Who would have thought that "The Factor" would turn out to be the catbird seat for me comedically?
O'REILLY: Absolutely would be a great venue, because you can combine your wit with public affairs. You do a radio show for Westwood One. You're talking about things people are interested in. So they want to be entertained, but they also want your opinion. Now, I'm not sure Jay wants your opinion or not. I don't know whether he does or not.
MILLER: Jay is like me when I host the show. You want the guy to come on. Even Letterman says the same thing. Jon Stewart has told me the same thing. Bring the funny. Come on, tell a couple stories, smile, make the people feel like they're seeing a show. That's what hosts want at some point.
O'REILLY: All right. So Miller will be on "Leno," and a couple of footnotes. He is going to be plugging, Miller is, I hope, the "Bolder Fresher" tour, which begins at the Westbury Theater on Long Island August 20. Continues in Connecticut; Richmond, Virginia; and Atlantic City, New Jersey. Details on BolderFresher.com or BillOReilly.com. And I apologize for that. It got away from me, that Miller segment. I don't know how that happened.
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