Dennis Miller on Gitmo Detainees Getting Laptops and Borat-Eminem Stunt

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," June 3, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: three hot topics for the D-man, beginning with Gitmo laptops.

Commanders at Guantanamo Bay have ordered 20 laptop computers for some detainees so they can take computer classes. How nice. The detainees in question are Chinese Muslims who are scheduled to be released, but it seems they have nowhere to go and nobody is going to take them. So while they wait for somebody to grant them asylum, they're going to get tech savvy.

Joining us now from Los Angeles, the dean of denigration, radio talk show star Dennis Miller. You know, I just brand you every week with another very flattering title, and I know you're excited about hearing the laptops are coming to Gitmo.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Now, what are these guys called? The Uganovs? Or what are these guys called?

O'REILLY: It's a name I can't pronounce, but they're Chinese guys. U-I-G-H-U-R-S. Uighurs? Uighurs.

MILLER: You know what, Billy? If we breastfed these psychopaths any more, we'd have to change the name of it from Gitmo to "Got Milk," OK? This is absolutely insane. The sooner we get these guys out of there and then into the general prison population where they can sue to get back to Gitmo because they're going to get shivved in there…

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O'REILLY: They're not going to like it, absolutely right. But look, don't you have any compassion for these guys? They're cleared to be released. Whatever they did is not bad enough that the U.S. wants them anymore. Just nobody will take them. Now, I don't know why Spain won't take them. I mean, Spain they're all upset about Guantanamo Bay and all of this. Spain should take them. Or North Korea. Why won't they take them, you know?

MILLER: Nobody wants the vegans or whatever the hell they're called. All I know is this: China won't even take them back. This is our trade policy with China now. We give them our banks. They give us their psychopaths. My only hope is they take these laptops and get so addicted to Internet porn that they all end up dying from carpal tunnel syndrome.

O'REILLY: Now, they Uighurs are considered by the Chinese government to be terrorists, because they want to — the Uighurs want to break away from China and start their own country. I guess it would be called Weguessistan. Uighistan or maybe....

MILLER: Solid, Billy. Solid joke.

O'REILLY: Just trying to keep up with you, Miller man, you know? It's not easy.

MILLER: That is a nice one.

O'REILLY: So what I'm getting at — the signal I'm getting from you from the West Coast is you don't feel sorry for the Uighurs at all.

MILLER: This is crazy what's going on. It's absolutely crazy. They're terrorists.


MILLER: We're giving them laptops.

O'REILLY: When I first heard about this, I thought they were talking about the Wiggles, you know the Australian guys. And I...

MILLER: Well, the next thing you know they will be turning the Teletubbies loose.

O'REILLY: Why are the Wiggles in Guantanamo Bay in the first place? They didn't do anything.

MILLER: Next thing you know I've got that purple Teletubby trying to blow me up.

O'REILLY: Anyway. All right, let's move ahead. I have to compose myself here for a moment. All right.

We have another — we have a serious story for Miller, but I don't want to do that now after coming off the Uighurs. So let's go to Eminem. Upstairs I'm giving them directions here, Miller. Your brother Jimmy Miller — Jimmy Miller — handles Borat, manages Borat, and Borat falls on Eminem's head at the MTV awards. Roll the tape.


SASHA BARON COHEN, COMEDIAN: Let me down. My schwontz is losing — I'm losing it. Eminem, nice to meet you.

EMINEM, RAPPER: Are you serious?



O'REILLY: So Miller, can you explain this to me?

MILLER: Some people like their Eminems plain, and some like them with nuts.

O'REILLY: I don't know what that means. Why am I laughing?

MILLER: Yes, you do. You know exactly.

O'REILLY: I don't know — I swear to God I don't know what that meant. All right, now...

MILLER: Look at that and tell me what it means.

O'REILLY: Look, I'd put them all in Guantanamo Bay if it was up to me, and no laptops. Now, did you...

MILLER: I would send these Uighurs to shop in that pharmacy out there. That's all we need to do.

O'REILLY: Now, I said from the jump this was a publicity stunt, and you know, it was all orchestrated. Is that true?

MILLER: Yes, but it's about to be — as far as gratuitous butt-kissing goes, it's about to be knocked off the front page tomorrow by Barack Obama's mea culpa with the Arab world, which I am dreading. You know, that's going to be a lot of butt-kissing there.

O'REILLY: I don't know. He's got to watch it. As we said at the top of the show, he's got to watch it. Go ahead.

MILLER: It's one of the few — you know, the Muslim culture — one of the few in the world where you can actually refer to them as Medieval and be referring to their heyday.

O'REILLY: Well, getting back to Borat and Eminem, was it a publicity stunt? What did Jimmy tell you?

MILLER: Well, I think it's come out that it was a stunt. All I know is it was brilliant. The show killed me. And I have to give kudos to Andy Samberg. That was a 10 out of 10. That's exactly what a young people's award show should be. I laughed out loud. And that was one of the highlights. But Samberg killed me around 10 times. He was brilliant.

O'REILLY: All right, he's the comedian that hosted the program.

OK. Now here is the serious story. You saw earlier in the week we had a Missouri pharmacist who, on the surveillance tape, was shown killing a robber. Came in with another guy, they were armed. He shot the kid, 14 years old — 16 years old, something like that. And then he ran after the guy who ran out and came back and shot the kid who was lying on the floor five more times. He's charged with first-degree murder, the pharmacist is. The pharmacist said, "Look, I was trying to protect the women in the store. I thought they were in danger. That's why I did it." What say you?

MILLER: Listen, 14 or 16, the key thing here is the handgun pointed at the guy. When you come in with a handgun pointed at a guy, you are changing the pharmaceutical prescription over from mortar and pestle to mortar and pistol. You unleashed chaos theory there. And I have to tell you, on my list of things that bothered me that day, somebody pulling a gun on a pharmacist and getting shot, like eight billionth and forty-second on my list, right above global warming. You cannot pull guns on people and expect it to go well. This pharmacist's only mistake, it would appear, is not being an enemy combatant on a foreign battlefield shooting at our troops. Of course, he's going to pull a gun if he's got one. Of course, he's going to shoot the guy. I don't know what he saw down there on the floor. But if he was scared, if he was threatened, then what are you going to do?

I remember years ago when Bernie Getz went freakazoid. What are you supposed to do? You're getting rolled by a kid with a handgun. Are you supposed to all of a sudden be the master of discretion? You don't know. You're in unnatural territory there. I think they've given the pharmacist an out though, Bill, with the murder one. I can see that. This is a premeditated murder one case? I don't think they could prove that.

O'REILLY: No, I think that was either a very dumb mistake by the prosecutor or intentional so the guy gets off, because I agree with you. In Oklahoma, there's not a jury in Oklahoma going to convict this guy of murder one. There isn't. Manslaughter?

MILLER: I don't think so.

O'REILLY: Go ahead.

MILLER: You know, maybe they could have gotten him on an environmental misdemeanor for putting too much lead in the air, but they're not going to get him on murder one. So I think in essence they've given him a pass here.

O'REILLY: Probably. All right, Miller, I want to you do me one favor. After the program, just send me an e-mail and explain the Eminem joke to me. I appreciate that very much. Dennis Miller, everybody.

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