Dennis Miller on Ann Coulter, Bill Maher

This is a partial transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 7, 2007, that has been edited for clarity.

BILL O'REILLY, HOST: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly.

In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, lots of controversy surrounding Ann Coulter, Bill Maher, Rudy Giuliani, who Dennis is supporting for president. Mr. Miller joins us now. Before we get to those folks...

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Thank you for having me, my friend.

O'REILLY: Always a pleasure to see you, especially in the studio here. Before we get to those folks, what about Scooter Libby?

MILLER: Well, listen, I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.

But I will say this to Mr. Libby. He might want to think about changing the name back from Scooter to Lewis before he goes into prison. I just don't think that's a nickname you want to take into the big house with you.

It's been a weird week for Cheney. He gets a blood clot in his leg and ends up losing his right hand.

Naturally, the Dems are all piling on. We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

Harry Reid comes out and says Bush should not pardon him. What a cadaver Reid is. Every time Harry Reid gives a statement, I want somebody from the "CSI" team to come out and put a chalk outline around the podium for God's sake.

O'REILLY: You know, if he goes to prison I think it will be terrible. He needs to get like Sandy Berger treatment. Sandy Berger got convicted. They gave him community service, fined him 50 grand, you know, slapped him around a little bit.

MILLER: Hey, he needs to get Marc Rich treatment. Let's put it that way.

O'REILLY: Go to Switzerland forever.

MILLER: Well, just extrapolate this out until the end of Bush's term. On his way out the door, the turns, end of the term he turns around and says, "By the way, Libby free. Bye-bye."

O'REILLY: Ann Coulter calling Edwards the "F" word. Your thoughts?

MILLER: Well, listen. I think Ann is making a lot of money. And I think she's morphed more from a Phyllis Schlafly thing over to a Vince McMahon from Worldwide Wrestling.

O'REILLY: Smack down.

MILLER: I think she understands that, you know, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

But the thing is I'm no Edwards fan. I think he is the emptiest of suits. What he did with Cheney vis-a-vis his lesbian daughter in those debates I thought was one of the most vapid political gestures I've ever seen.

So I don't like Edwards, but I think Ann should have split the difference and called him a maggot. This way you get five sixths of the word and you get none of the headaches.

O'REILLY: Do you think she does it for business reasons?

MILLER: I do. I think she's very savvy. Listen, I think she splits the difference, too. I'm a professional joke writer. She says that was all a joke, leading back to "Gray's Anatomy". OK, after she broke it down for me and did the postmortem I could follow the joke. But at the beginning you just hear somebody drop that word.

O'REILLY: It's not really a joke though. I mean, it's a calculated attempt to get attention I think.

MILLER: Well, it works.

O'REILLY: It does work.

MILLER: And you know one thing about Ann and Bill is they answer the call. When they say it — I saw her last night she steps on and at least defends herself.

O'REILLY: So she's not — no, she's not contrite.

MILLER: She doesn't go into a cave about it.

O'REILLY: Maher is a comedian. Ann Coulter is a writer and a lawyer. Maher is a comedian. Then Maher gets on "Leno", and I took him to task last night for this. And he calls Bush a bunch of names. And I go to him, what good does that do? And his answer was it was funny.

Now you're comedian. Is calling people names funny?

MILLER: Well, listen, I've done it over my career. Everybody does it. I try not to do it that much, but somebody draws your ire. Let me tell you this about Bill. He's a brilliant man. He hates Bush.

O'REILLY: He does.

MILLER: He just really loathes Bush. And he hates this war. We're diametrically opposed on this, but he is my friend. He's one of those guys who's more concerned about global warming than he is about the war on terror. Bill will only sign on to the war in Iraq when we eventually invent green weaponry. That's when he'll get...

O'REILLY: No, he'll sign onto the war on terror when Hugh Heffner's mansion gets blown up. OK? When all of the bunnies are captured, Maher will come on board. You know that.

MILLER: Listen, you've got to give Bill this. He — I saw him last night with you. He steps up like the bonny Englishwoman said to you...


MILLER: The body language. Bonny English. I'm talking about pool sharks. He listens. You've got to give Maher that. He'll listen. You can see there's a very agile mind there, and he'll react.

My only thing that I think Bill owes an apology about in the whole scenario — by the way, where's the grow light on that plant in the back. He must have it off in his herbal garden down the hall.

But the only thing Bill probably owes an apology — is that a "Culture Warrior", copy of the book.

O'REILLY: I think it is "Culture Warrior".

MILLER: I think that he owes America an apology for using...

O'REILLY: Everybody has one for status. They don't read it, yes.

MILLER: For using a "Gilligan's Island" joke on "The Tonight Show" for God's sakes. That's way below Maher. He's much brighter than that.

O'REILLY: Now you respect Maher. Do you respect Ann Coulter?

MILLER: I don't know Ann. Listen, Bill, you know — you've been through life. I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.

O'REILLY: That's good. Right.

MILLER: Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."

But he's a good man to me. What are you going to do? It's like Tip O'Neill said, all politics are local. All friendship is local.

O'REILLY: There isn't any reason to dislike people with whom you disagree. You know, I have lots of friends who don't agree with me.

MILLER: I'm just saying I don't know Ann well enough to...


MILLER: I've bumped into her a couple times. Bill is an old friend.

O'REILLY: Now, the final thing is Rudy Giuliani with the son. And we talked with this about Michael Reagan a little bit.

Now, if you were advising Giuliani about this, and keeping in mind the "New York Times" began this campaign. Nobody knew about Andrew Giuliani or how he felt until the "New York Times" tracked him down at Duke and asked him.

I don't think the "New York Times" would have done that to Chelsea Clinton, with all due respect.

How do you advise Giuliani?

MILLER: Well, there's a great moment in clear and present danger, the Tom Clancy CIA film where Harrison Ford sits in a White House meeting, and the president's friend has turned up on a boat with a bunch of cocaine and money.

And Harrison Ford says to him, "Listen, if they asked you if he's your friend," you should steer into him, say, "No, he's my best friend. And I had no idea about this." You can't try to avoid it.

I think if I was Giuliani I'd come out and say, "Guess what? I got some kid problems. Anybody out there want to throw bricks at that glass house?”

You know, the simple fact is if Giuliani has had three wives I want Giuliani in there because he's not neurotic about terrorists. And the fact that I want him in there to kill guys who have like 18 wives. So the way I look at it, he's a plus 15 at this point.

O'REILLY: So basically, you say admit there's a problem and say we're trying to work it out and then move ahead to the important issues.

MILLER: I don't think any of us should start talking about wives, kids, family. Life is — you know what I mean?

O'REILLY: Oh, sure.

MILLER: Up and down. And if I was Giuliani, I'd get right out in the open and say what are you going to do? Talk to me about my relationship with my kid. How is yours right now?

O'REILLY: OK. Dennis Miller, everybody. And always good to see you, Dennis. Every Wednesday it is Miller time!

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