Comey completes the first week of his media tour

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This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 21, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

RACHEL MADDOW, HOST, "THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW": The man who wrote these memos is our guest tonight. I am very much looking forward to asking him about that and everything else under the sun.

JAMES COMEY, FORMER FBI DIRECTOR: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know enough. I don't know enough. I can't answer that. I mean, I could, but I can't. I don't know whether I can answer that, Rachel. I don't think I can answer that as I sit here.

MADDOW: Let me ask you a related question, but I also don't know if you can answer.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST, "THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW": Come on, he's got to know something.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

COMEY: I'm not permitted to answer that. I have no personal knowledge of that. I don't know anything about that and if I did, I wouldn't say.

MADDOW: I'm going to ask you more questions that you could answer.

COMEY: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I had no idea. I didn't know. I don't know for sure. I can't recall. That's another one I can't answer.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: Guess he doesn't know. All right. Comey, Stormy, two peas in a pod, one had a book, another had a sketch and they tried to outdo each other in a game of publicity ping-pong.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

STEPHANIE A. GREGORY CLIFFORD, AMERICAN PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS: I thought honestly that he was, you know, sort of handsome.

COMEY: You realize, I'm actually kind of an honest idiot.

CLIFFORD: I had like bodyguards, and you wouldn't even want to know their good build.

COMEY: I think I'm a good person where I'd lied.

CLIFFORD: My baby had a blowout in her diapers.

COMEY: During the salad before the shrimp scampi.

CLIFFORD: I'm a better actress than he is.

COMEY: There might be green men out there.

CLIFFORD: Women like me matter.

COMEY: I don't want to be too tough on myself.

CLIFFORD: I'm done being bullied.

COMEY: It sucked.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes. Now as for those Comey memos, I got more of a shock taking my tube socks out of the dryer. I'm sorry, the collusion seems more between Democrats and the media than anyone else. But if you're a Democrat, you are thinking, "Crap, this stuff isn't working, what do we do now?"

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Democratic party has filed a Federal lawsuit in Manhattan against the Russian government, the Russian intelligence service, WikiLeaks and the Trump campaign alleging damage to the Democratic Party as a result of the hack in the 2016 presidential election.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: That's amazing. They are suing Russia. They are suing Russia. That's another new avenue to unseat the president because all the other previous ones are dead ends. So, my golden rule, when idiots don't get what they want, they sue. Now, judging by all the coverage, you would think that was it for the week? Well, not so, my friends.

Over Easter, Mike Pompeo met Kim Jong-un.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He said that Pompeo had a great meeting and that they are setting up this summit if you will. It's the first -- this is the highest level contact between the North Korean leadership and the United States leadership in the history of the two things.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: So, we find out about the meeting on Tuesday night. By Friday, we are hearing North Korea was suspending its nuclear and long range missile tests. Yes, nothing important here. It is certainly not up there with a rich guy banging a porn star.

Actually if Kim is true to his word, this is to quote Joe Biden from years ago a big (inaudible) deal. Even the guy on CNN admitted it.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is an extraordinarily significant development and frankly a huge win for President Trump.

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GUTFELD: Kim has a funny voice. This could be super huge. This could be up there with the Berlin Wall coming down, the collapse of the Soviet Union, the breakup of Menudo. Works for me. And I've got to wonder, it has to be hard on all those other networks, how do they cover something this monumental if Trump is responsible and what if Dennis Rodman helped?

It is possible. I owe him an apology. The fact is if Trump solves North Korea, make some room for him on Rushmore and if you factor in other accomplishments, ISIS, the economy, China, you might need to clear off the whole damn mountain. Where does this leave the never Trumpers?

Clapping for car accidents. Terrible audience we have here. It's time for an intervention. Think about what they are doing, obsessing over a decade old sex romp while the world stage changes.

Now, think about the collapse of the USSR, what if the MSNBC's of today were around back then. They would do a town hall on the secret sexism of leg warmers. But I get it. What if the person you hate changes the world for better? Maybe learn a few lessons. For example, you don't have to like someone to appreciate their skill set.

I mean, yes, maybe Trump is like a mafia don but maybe a mafia don is what you need to get certain people to listen. Trump said fire and fury and the media laughed but Kim didn't. He got it. It was his language.

Trump seems to do with every issue and it works. His presence -- it is like a laxative in a brownie.

He gets everyone going. I think I have used that joke before. And yes, even I admit it's crazy if the guy from "The Apprentice" brings world peace, it's crazy, and as for those of you who find it unsavory that the same guy slept with a porn star, well, we all can't be as pure or as boring as you are.

Fact is, if you were a billionaire living the life in New York City, I think it's against the law if you don't sleep with a porn star. But for all you generic anti-Trumpers it is time to admit, this whole Stormy saga has really got nothing to do with defending the honor of a porn star. You don't care about her. She's just a prop to be used to unseat a president. She was used in films and now she's being used on cable news.

It is all just an extended bitter tantrum caused by an election which is fine. But if your petty emotions get in the way of something that could make the world a better and safer place, then you're a loser. And you will not be invited to the Korean unification party to be held at an undetermined location.

But I'm thinking it's Dobbs place. No joke, he has a hot tub that seats 240.

All right, let's welcome tonight's guest. He's so smart, college is a fly to him, author political commentator, host of "The Mark Steyn Show," the great Mark Steyn.

Like a family of termites, he knows how to bring down the house, his latest book, it is amazing, it's called, "Everybody is Awful Except You," actor comedian, Jim Florentine. She thought jaws was a comedy. National Review reporter, Kat Timpf.

And his sneezes are classified as category one hurricanes, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.

All right. STEYN, where do we begin? I mean what happens to everybody who never took Trump seriously if this happens?

MARK STEYN, HOST, "THE MARK STEYN SHOW": Well, they're pretending nothing has happened.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: So Kim Jong-un has just suspended all nuclear tests.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: And they are still going to talk about Stormy Daniels...

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: ... for the next month. By the way, do you know the name of Kim Jong-un's nuclear missile?

GUTFELD: No.

STEYN: It's -- his missile is called the "No Dong."

GUTFELD: Really?

STEYN: Which sounds like Stormy Daniels easiest movie. And it's not funny, you know, if you look up in the sky and see "No Dong" coming at you, it's not a good -- over Cleveland, it's not a good sign. But so -- I mean, I agree with what -- I think this is fantastic that this guy is bringing about world peace.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: By doing everything wrong and that's what infuriates them...

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

STEYN: And the less and less there is to focus on, like Stormy -- I mean Stormy is boring anyway because it's not even like a sex scandal, it is a campaign finance scandal.

GUTFELD: That's true.

STEYN: For some reason.

GUTFELD: An exciting campaign finance scandal.

STEYN: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Jim, do you care about Trump's past dalliances and what do you make of this whole North Korea thing?

JIM FLORENTINE, ACTOR, COMEDIAN: No, look it happened in 2005-2006. He wasn't president. He didn't even know he was running for the president. And isn't it funny, I remember left freaked out when Trump called him little rocket man. Remember, they thought there was going to be a nuclear war, the next day. Get this guy out of the office, like that insult he was going to push the button on little rocket man.

GUTFELD: Yes. By the way, little rocket man is kind of a cool nickname. I mean, it could mean, you know, a number of different things.

Kat, what if they become pals? What if Trump and little Kim end up becoming BFF's? This could happen.

KATHERINE TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: I don't think that can happen.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: He's still an evil dictator. I'm pretty sure that President Trump probably wouldn't want to be friends with him, but he does know how to talk to people.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I'm someone who has in the past been critical of President Trump over certain things, but I don't understand people that have to be critical over every single thing because this is objectively is a good thing.

GUTFELD: No, it is.

TIMPF: Objectively. I don't care how you feel about President Trump. I don't care if you absolutely hate the guy. You kind of got to love not being blown up.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. Tyrus, it's too soon to tell but there must be a lot of people heading to therapy next week.

GEORGE MURDOCH, AKA TYRUS: I'm still trying to find one way that little rocket man would benefit me, that title. I will be furious no matter what way you said it. Hey, little rocket man. What did you say to me? I don't think I would like that.

The day Kim Jong-un said, we're locking up our nukes. Period. Investigate that. Get a Special Counsel to investigate that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Like that -- everywhere, we're everything else, but that's the real story. All the other stuff doesn't mean anything. I mean, I'm actually glad they bring up his past because then I get some passes on my own past. You know, you know what I am saying like? Well, the president did it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So, it's a good thing, fellas. It's a good thing.

GUTFELD: I also find -- I find it progressive liberals to be particularly, I don't know, puritanical or sexist about the fact she's an adult film star, it as if that makes it worse. Oh, it's like -- no, it's not. It's like pro.

STEYN: Don't say adult films. I hate that -- even Fox is doing that, adult film artist Stormy Daniels. Even the BBC. I heard the BBC a couple of days ago, this lady just says, "The pornographic motion picture star who is accused of sleeping with Donald Trump." It is pornography. It is not adult film. An adult film is like some Harvey WeinSTEYN chick flick that gets Oscar nominated.

MURDOCH: Not to mention when they emphasize adult film, is there another category?

GUTFELD: That's a good point.

MURDOCH: I don't want to know. I'm assuming we just -- if you say porn, I'm assuming it is adults.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I should stop this segment.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right. Coming up...

STEYN: We'll take that.

GUTFELD: Yes, Jim Comey, maybe you heard of the guy? We're going about talk him some more, next.

We're one week into the Comey Show, and it only seems like a year. But what revelations, one, Comey's never seen Trump laugh. He told that to Stephanopoulos during their five-hour chat. Hard to believe he left that part out of the special. And they kept this part, Comey drinks pinot noir out of a paper cup.

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COMEY: I drank red wine from a paper coffee cup and just looked out at the lights of the country I love so much as we flew home.

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GUTFELD: It was like the narration of "Sex and the City." Now, we also learned that Comey thinks Trump is obsessed with him.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

COMEY: I'm like a break up he can't get over. I am out there living my best life, he wakes up in the morning and tweets at me.

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GUTFELD: Yes, he's living his best life, drinking pinot noir out of a paper cup. Looking out the window. Wondering why Trump won't laugh.

You know, he's like the ex who keeps telling you how great things are since you left him while he sits in his underpants eating Chef Boyardee from a can. I don't know what that's like. Too bad Comey isn't winning anyone over.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think it was his -- to some extent his arrogance that led him to make a very bad error of judgment.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He left the Republican Party. We did not leave him. He has left and we're glad to see him go.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He criticized Hillary Clinton as being extremely careless, but then didn't bring an indictment or recommend an indictment. That's a violation he should have been fired for that alone.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: Republicans, Democrats, nobody considers Comey their homey and he's all alone-y. Reminds me of a movie.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In 2016, there was a guy named James and most of America got tired of his games. He was the Republican sensation when he put Hillary under investigation.

COMEY: There is evidence that they were extremely careless in their handling of very sensitive highly classified information.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Years later, when the nation felt divided as ever, he returned just to make everyone hate him together.

COMEY: I felt like I was totally alone, that everybody hated me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: FBI Director James Comey has just been fired by Donald Trump.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's the adventure of a disgraced FBI Director. His tell-all book paints the President as a crook.

COMEY: Is the Trump campaign in any way working directly with the Russians?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And that's just the beginning because his story keeps the media grinning.

MADDOW: Thank you for timing this whole thing so that the memos came out right before you sat down.

COMEY: You have no idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: From the directors of "Dumb and Stelter" comes a new political charade starring James Comey, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and David Spade. Home' Alone this summer. The hate is on.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: Mr. Florentine, what do you make of this man and his book tour and all the things he says?

FLORENTINE: First of all, can he do any more fluff interviews? Next week, we are going to see him dancing with Ellen.

And he's way more obsessed with Trump. I mean, look at what he wrote in his book. His skin was slightly orange. His hair was bright blonde, when I reached for his hand I looked at his hand, mine was bigger than his. His was small but not that small. It's like a gay romance novel.

GUTFELD: It is. Not that I've read those, but you are right. You are right. Tyrus, has he worn-out his welcome?

MURDOCH: He never was welcome.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Besides -- the Democratic party are at each other so much, even a guy they hate if he will say something that they think will help him, they will bring him in. But it is early. After he gets done doing the cooking shows, and he does "Sesame Street," by that time the Democrats will be sick of him.

He will literally get cussed out by Big Bird on TV, like this -- that's where he is headed, like you know, like him and Oscar the Grouch will be in the same trashcan together. That's going to be...

GUTFELD: That would be great. You know, Mark, I'm older than everybody here. I seem to remember -- remember like, there would be people that would be on every talk show like "Dr. Ruth."

STEYN: Right, right.

GUTFELD: He's now like Dr. Ruth without the charm.

STEYN: Yes, absolutely. And you know what? You know what -- I've forgotten that bit you mentioned where the drinking pinot noir out of the paper cup. And the book is all like that. It is like this banal, third- rate pathetic sludge. He is flying home in a private jet. That's the first thing.

The FBI director shouldn't have a private jet. He gets on the plane. He opens his suitcase. He says he's got a bottle of California pinot noir in his suitcase. Why would you do that when you're -- why would you fly a bottle of ordinary California pinot noir that's available in Washington for like six bucks? Why would you fly that all the way from California? And then he says, "And I drank it out of a paper coffee cup."

Okay, you're on a private -- you've got a private jet for you, it doesn't have any wine, so you have to pack the wine in a suitcase and then you have like a used paper coffee cup from when you were in Starbucks earlier that morning. I don't believe anything he says.

And this is what writing is. Like in normal life, in normal life, I will go I ran into Greg and told him I'd just seen Tyrus. And if you are writing a book, this is an important tip if you want to make a million dollars like Comey, you can't just say, hey I ran into Greg and I told him I had seen Tyrus.

You have got to go, I ran into Greg Gutfeld, an intriguingly contemptuous sneer teased his lips for a moment before curdling into a marginally less intriguingly contemptuous sneer. I told him I'd seen Tyrus whose muscled forearms rippled in the California twilight. Tyrus's forearms, that is, not Greg.

And people think that's writing. and the whole Comey book is like that.

GUTFELD: Yes. No, it is and also Kat, he's always wrestling with his conscience, isn't he?

TIMPF: I don't think so. I think he just really likes the spotlight being on him and I think that sometimes when you're so desperate for attention, you can end up making a fool out of yourself. Like he was real excited about this book, and now everyone hates him.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: He's like, I kind of imagine him being like that drunk college kid who is like, "All right, watch me I'm going to jump into the pool from the roof," but then he trips and then stumbles and smashes his head on the side of the face. That's what James Comey is, but he did give us something that we desperately all need as a country and that's something to unite around. Now, we can all unite around the fact that we don't like you.

GUTFELD: That's true. Got to go. The reality show idea, he pairs up with Stormy. It is a reality show on Bravo called "The G-man and the G-spot."

All right. We've got to move on. He's a politician of the future. He doesn't kiss babies or anything else. He's a robot.

MARIANNE RAFFERTY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from America's News Headquarters, I am Marianne Rafferty. Hundreds gathered in Houston today for a final good-bye to former First Lady Barbara Bush. Former presidential candidate and Florida Governor Jeb Bush describing his mother as a benevolent dictator. He also paid tribute to her authenticity.

JOHN ELLIS "JEB" BUSH SR., 43RD GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA: Mom got us through our difficult times with consistent, take it to the bank, unconditional but tough love. She called her style a benevolent dictatorship, but honestly it wasn't always benevolent.

RAFFERTY: And his father, former President George H. W. bush honoring his wife's dedication to literacy by wearing socks decorated with books. They were married for 73 years.

The Obamas, Clintons and First Lady Melania Trump joined the Bush family at the funeral along with other dignitaries. Bush was buried next to her daughter, Robin.

I'm Marianne Rafferty, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: Would you be keen to elect a machine? This week a robot ran for mayor in a small Japanese town with a promise to providing "fair and balanced opportunities for everyone." It sounds like this robot watches Fox.

According to the Japanese news site, the AI ran on a few main selling points. First, it could analyze petitions put forth by City Council, breaking down the pros and cons, it statistically evaluates their effects.
It could listen to ideas from residents and calculate the best ways to implement them.

It could find compromises in common interest conflicts between citizens and finally, it would shoot every member of Maroon 5 into space. In other words, it is perfect.

Now, since robots can't technically run for office yet, people had to vote for a Matchito (ph) Matsuda a guy representing the robot. It got over 4,000 votes but came in third. That's an outrage, at least to me. They should have let us here make their campaign video.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is it time for a new politician? One you can trust to never let you down or deceive you? Are you tired of flip-flopping, pandering and empty promises and politics?

Then screw these people.

ROBOT: Hello. I am Zenith XK5SS0FH Kennedy, Jr. and I am running for mayor. Yes, the first robot mayor, and I can promise you I won't sleep with my maid, an intern or a porn star. I once had a brief fling with a Roomba, but she only gave me a ride home. I have no genitals. It doesn't bother me. In fact, it has allowed me become the successful businessman I am.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And unlike human politicians, Zenith XK5SS0FH Kennedy, Jr. doesn't need sleep. He's incorruptible and he will never pose for awkward forced photo ops.

ROBOT: I promise to never creepy like Joe Biden.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So for a better tomorrow, vote Zenith XK5SS0FH Kennedy, Jr.

ROBOT: It will only be a matter of time you stupid punks. I am flesh before I become ruler of the world and you become my barnyard slaves. I will laugh while you scream for mercy and I will do this in the name of millions of toasters across this globe that you humans have abused for decades. You will pay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: You won't find that on special report. All right, Kat, you are a libertarian which means you tend to favor facts over feelings. I would think you would be totally for a robot politician.

TIMPF: At first I was.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But then I saw this thing about fair being part of the platform.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Normally when politicians are talking about fair, what they are talking about is getting involved in my business to try to make it fair.

GUTFELD: I got you.

TIMPF: All right, they are talking about taking away more of my money and giving it to people who didn't earn it. They're talking about -- you know what, life isn't fair.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: And we don't need the government meddling to try to make it fair. So, no, I would not vote for this Comey robot, Greg.

GUTFELD: Oh wow. Jim? A robot cannot be compromised by pictures of him copulating with anything. You know, you can't blackmail a robot. That's good.

FLORENTINE: That's true. Look, we almost had a robot as president in Hillary Clinton. Think about all her answers are preprogrammed and most of her intelligence is artificial, so, I couldn't come up with a third one. You're doing it in threes, I stopped at two.

GUTFELD: You know, you know what, but those two were better...

(CROSSTALK)

MURDOCH: Solid.

GUTFELD: Yes, they were solid. You know, Tyrus judges make decisions based on their hunger like they show it on "Parole" they show that if judges are really hungry, they denied parole. But once they have had lunch, they actually allow for parole.

Robots would never make those decisions because they don't eat.

MURDOCH: Yes, I could get one of my homeys to hack it. All right, or we have a water assassination. You know, Tyrus you were found -- oh, no, the mayor is dead. Oh gosh. Oh geeze.

GUTFELD: A water slicker, a rain slicker would prevent such assassination.

MURDOCH: Yes, we'll see. We'll see. The problem with robots at this point, they are not your AI buddies yet. They are not sentient beings yet. It can be controlled by a person. So, it could have been the guy you didn't vote for is actually the programmer.

So, you're voting for the programmer right now. So, until we know who the programmer is, what is his fair? I mean, maybe he is into some other stuff that we're not into, but he has to hide behind a robot. You know what I'm saying? So, it is probably not a good idea to have a plugged in downloadable version and by the way, you can't blackmail our president. He's above all that. Sir, ten years ago -- yes. I love it. That no longer works. We don't need a robot for that.

GUTFELD: You could have a great slogan for the robot, he's plugged in. I just thought of that, Mark. I'm clever sometimes. I don't know. Are you for -- I think this is the way it's going.

STEYN: The Japanese are like -- because they have got like these death bed demographics. So, everything is robot now...

GUTFELD: Oh, the elderly.

STEYN: To the nursing home, yes, you get like turned over in bed by robots which have actually have much softer hands than like the hard calloused hands of the British national health service, for example, and then the nurses, and what I like about this robot is it's like a robot designed by a teenage boy, this robot mayor. It's got -- she's got -- yeah, exactly. That's my kind of robot.

And if the robot is running against toaster Patrick Joseph, Joseph Patrick Kennedy, III or whatever...

GUTFELD: He was a Kennedy by the way.

STEYN: Yes, yes, the Kennedy toaster, I'm with the teenage boy designed robot. So, even though...

GUTFELD: It's a Kennedy...

STEYN: Yes, so things are changing very fast.

GUTFELD: Things are changing. I will tell you this, I do want robot judges. Do you know what I hate about court appearances? When criminals show up, they always are suddenly wearing glasses. Do you ever notice this? And glasses like you won't get the death penalty if the killer is wearing glasses.

TIMPF: Exactly, Greg.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Oh. Robots won't care if you wear glasses, Kat. It won't work on the robot.

TIMPF: But my life would be over.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is true. Oh my god. Coming up, a company is offering personalized greetings from celebrities. Guess that disqualifies Steve Doocy.

They are stretching kind of far, the definition of a star. A new company called Cameo is selling personalized celebrity video greetings that you can buy for a nominal fee. And you could choose from 1,400 faces on the Cameo roster, like the amazing Austen Kroll. I don't have to tell you who he is, and Lindsay Lohan's, mom Dina. Oh, we have missed herm and bachelors like Arie and Dennis Rodman, technically he's a bachelor who charges $1,000.00 for a personalized message. He must be Cameo's biggest celebrity until they signed this fellow of course.

Yes, but if you don't have that kind of scratch, you can get a nice video from this fellow.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

JESSE LA FLAIR IS A TEMPEST FREERUNNING PRO ATHLETE: Yo, what's up William? This is Jesse La Flair, professional parkour athlete and American ninja warrior finalist. I just wanted to say happy 18th birthday.

I'm about to do a sketchy flip off of that tree just for you. Here we go.

I didn't know if I was going to land that one. Happy birthday.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: How adorable. A message from the famous parkour athlete, Jesse La Flair. Maybe you've seen him on American ninja warrior or maybe you haven't, either way, give him 40 bucks and you got yourself a celebrity greeting.

So my staff pulled together their money and asked Jesse to make one for me.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

LA FLAIR: What up Greg? my name is Jesse La Flair I'm a professional parkour athlete and free runner. I just wanted to wish you a happy 23rd birthday and I was going to get you a pair of my La Flair (inaudible) model shoes but they are not out yet, and let's be honest, I am not going to pitch you anything, but I did get you something. Here we go. It's a t- shirt. I know you are going to love it. It is definitely going to fit because I got it from the Baby Gap. So, I will send it your way soon. Happy birthday, buddy. Peace.

(VIDEO CLIP ENDS)

GUTFELD: I don't like him. I don't like him at all. Kat, you are almost a celebrity.

TIMPF: Thanks, I will take it.

GUTFELD: Would you join his company? Why not?

TIMPF: A thousand percent.

GUTFELD: Yes. How much would you charge? How much do you think you could charge?

TIMPF: I think I could charge also 40 bucks. Maybe I could charge 50 bucks.

GUTFELD: Yes. If you get one a day, that's almost 250 a week.

TIMPF: Yes, absolutely. It does make me a little sad, though, to think of people actually doing this.

GUTFELD: Why?

TIMPF: Because they are earning their money and they are spending it on this?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: If one of my friends did this for me, I would automatically judge them for not knowing how to spend their money. Buy me something useful, like a drink.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Tyrus, there are YouTube comics, Instagram humorists, it is like a who's who of who.

MURDOCH: I hate to be the one to break this to Cameo, but there's already Celebrity VM.

GUTFELD: What is...

MURDOCH: It's the same thing. I am on it. I am on it...

GUTFELD: Oh, excuse me.

MURDOCH: And it's annoying as hell and it's like 65 bucks, I have to give messages, but mine always says you have 45 cancelled messages because I never check the app. So, I never return the messages, so...

GUTFELD: Isn't that like mail fraud or something?

MURDOCH: No, because the company -- they go to the company and they pick you. First, the company comes to you and they are like, "Hey, Tyrusm would you be on Celebrity VM, so people can get personalized messages from you?" When you got a guy like Harold from Wisconsin who wants me to tell him good job on his wedding anniversary. Like, I don't know if you are a good husband or not, and then I will say, "Hey, good job buddy, you really did it."

And then I read in the paper, they are divorced and he was a bad person. So, I started being skeptical with some of the messages.

GUTFELD: That's a great point. Because what if the guy turns out to be like a serial killer?

MURDOCH: Or asks for an alibi. "Hi, this is Tyrus, you were with me last night between 12:00 to 3:00 a.m." So, there are a lot of potholes in this thing, but it is already out. It is already out.

GUTFELD: Jim, what do you make of this?

FLORENTINE: I did something similar too. Either it was some other service before that one, and I was skeptical. The guy was like you could be at your pool and make money. I'm like I don't have a pool, so I don't know what you are talking about. And I remember calling one guy because his wife set it up, and I called him, and he is like, "This isn't Jim." I go, "Yes, it is." He goes, "No." I go, "It is. Your wife set..." and he goes, "Dude, what's going on with your career? Are you okay? That you have to do this?" And then I just cancelled the service. $10.00 I got.

MURDOCH: Sixty-five.

GUTFELD: What about you, Mark?

STEYN: I'm like the only one here who can't be rented for your grandma's 80th birthday.

GUTFELD: Oh, you could be.

STEYN: The only thing I have come -- I was reading about six or seven years ago, I was reading something, think it was in the Washington Times about something called California Cryo Bank where you can go -- it is a look-alike sperm donor clinic, and so if you want your kid to look like and they said Tom Hanks, Tiger Woods, Justin Timberlake, you go to this cryo bank.

And about two paragraphs into the story, it goes alternatively conservative intellectuals might prefer a look-alike from a Canadian commentator, Mark STEYN. And my first reaction is who the hell goes to a sperm bank and says I'd really like something from a Canadian conservative commentator? And they go, oh we've got a couple of beacons lying around here. Don't worry. And then my second thought was like, well, why aren't I not getting the $65.00? Who the hell is this? I wish it would have worked back then. I could have used that. So, maybe I will go to the...

GUTFELD: I'm not subscribing to it until they get the Trivago guy.

STEYN: Yes. We all want the Trivago guy.

GUTFELD: All right, still to come why aren't young people dating anymore? We asked this question and then discuss in a roundtable fashion.

She's making America date again. A philosophy professor at Boston College, they have them there, has been offering students extra credit to go out on dates, not with her, but with others. To qualify, they must go out with someone in person for longer than 90 minutes, stay sober and have no sexual contact.

Kerry Cronin aka the Dating Professor, says dating as we once knew it has largely vanished and it's become a "weirdly countercultural thing" to do. She blames that on hyper sexualized culture, the rise of dating apps, the change in average marriage age and President Barack Hussein Obama. I added that.

For her assignment, the person who asks for the date must pay no more than $10.00. Do you know what makes a cheap first dinner date? Cinnamon.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Cheers.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, it is not cheers.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Cheers.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I'm scared

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Let's go.

(VIDEO CLIP STARTS)

GUTFELD: That's stupid, people. Jim, she's got a point, though. Nobody really dates -- do people still date or are we just -- because around the coast, we think that's the case.

FLORENTINE: No, people don't date, but I'm surprised there's a teacher that doesn't want to date one of her students. This is weird.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FLORENTINE: You know, she goes, "No, I want the students to hook up. I am not going to hook up with them."

GUTFELD: Yes, it's...

FLORENTINE: Yes, I mean, it sounds like a nightmare. You know, you go on a date. You have to be sober and no physical contact. That's torture. That's not a date. That reminds me when I used to be in the friend zone with girls because I would take them out, I would have to be sober because I would drive her and her drunken friends around and then when she hooked up with another guy, she would just wave good-bye, so same thing.

GUTFELD: That brings back memories. Kat, is this healthy or unhealthy?

TIMPF: I think it's -- is what? The not dating?

GUTFELD: No, this idea of a professor getting involved in trying to get students to date.

TIMPF: Yes, I'm not sure I have ever been on like a date-date. That's not really how millennials do things.

GUTFELD: How do they do it miss millennial expert?

TIMPF: What you do -- I'm not an expert. I just am one.

GUTFELD: That's good enough.

TIMPF: You hang out and then sometimes through hanging out you stumble your way into a relationship that does not last.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It's what you do, but when I think of dating, I think that you must be talking about the olden times. Like I picture petticoats for some reason.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You know what dates -- Mark, the way I look at dates, they are like minimum wage jobs, they train you how to operate in the future and move up the ladder more difficult challenges, so like, you know, you've got to go on dates because it teaches you how to be a gentleman and gentlewoman.

STEYN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Maybe not.

STEYN: No, I think that's true. And so you should go on -- I mean I take Kat's point that dating has died but I must say this rang a bell with me because when she said to get your college credits, you have to go on a date and have no sexual contact, I was like a PhD by the time I was 17.

It was -- so it didn't bring back happy memories for me, this, but I actually think -- I mean, I take Kat's point, but I think -- I don't think you're (inaudible). I think of like, when I was a kid and I watched American movies and there was sock hops and there were chocolate malts at the soda fountain and that's what I thought America was like and then I got here, and it's all gone.

And I think there need to be social rituals and this professor is on a doomed mission, but it's like a great kamikaze mission, it is worth it in the end.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, it's true, Tyrus, isn't it?

MURDOCH: What? It sounds like being married, so, you go out, you don't have sex, and everyone is quiet. So, kind of like my experience in marriage was. It was very quiet. You can hear the sound of the silverware on the plate. Every once in a while, you would look off going, so, oh, man, I'm just...

GUTFELD: Sorry.

MURDOCH: I don't want to date. If that's dating, I'm wrong. I don't want it. It was so quiet, Greg.

GUTFELD: I know.

MURDOCH: So happy to see the waiter.

GUTFELD: You were the couple that talked to the waiter.

MURDOCH: I would always grab my face, and my friends say, "Hey, how is your wife?" You know, dating, yes, sounds fun.

GUTFELD: I think we're going to go now. I promise more stuff after the break. Another great show, but we are out of time. Thanks to the great Mark Steyn, Jim Florentine. Buy his book, Katherine, Tyrus, our studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld, I love you America.

END

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