This is a rush transcript from "The Five," October 13, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So this morning the producer asked me to do monologue on the BlackBerry outages. Of course I didn't get the message because my blackberry was out.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: It was.
GUTFELD: In the chaos caused by the blackout I've never heard so much whining. Case in point, a dear friend of mine whose name rhymes with Timberly Fuilfoyle shrieked that she hadn't got a text in two hours.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: Yes, for over two hour she didn't get one inspirational "lol." Meanwhile, two feet away from her was a Navy Seal standing politely who had probably dealt with dilemmas far worse than missing that YouTube clip of cats in party hats.
My point, we have become addiction to connection. We need to be engaged even when whenever we're engaging in is totally pointless. Do I need to read all the comments on a blog and click on the video of the dancing Chihuahua? Is it imperative that I respond ASAP to the text from the cops about what happened last night at my apartment? For that I probably should. But I'm a hypocrite. I even check Twitter during breaks in this show.
GUILFOYLE: You do all the time.
GUTFELD: If you tweet me now I will respond. I'm that pathetic.
Look, on your death bed you aren't going to reminisce about the awesome comment you left on YouTube, or that great video that you forwarded with the sneezing panda. I've seen it. So the next time the BlackBerry fails you take it as a message from God. Call your mom on a real phone. She may not have any cat videos but then again she never needed them.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Yes...
(LAUGHTER)
BECKEL: I just got a tweet. You will like this one. Please tell Eric to not try again next time.
(LAUGHTER)
GUILFOYLE: Poor Bob! You're in a better mood now.
GUTFELD: That's actually a good point. A conservative saved a liberal's life.
BECKEL: That's correct.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: A right-wing nut and a left-wing nut met --
GUILFOYLE: See how fair and balanced Fox News is, right?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: You know what we did realize, in the last 36 hours since it's been out, how much we depend on this.
PERINO: This has become a work thing. I have never seen the dancing Chihuahua thing. Maybe someone could send it to me.
GUTFELD: I have it.
(LAUGHTER)
PERINO: I wonder how much productivity was lost over the last -- I think that's why people were freaking out more than they couldn't get a text.
GUILFOYLE: That's the problem, seriously, do you know how many story ideas, pitches we get, articles? You don't have anything here and then you go to the iPad -- Steve Jobs, thank you -- to try to figure out what is going on.
GUTFELD: People believe this is making you productive, but the fact is, 90 percent of what you're doing is nonsense. Does it matter if you wait 10 minutes to get back to your laptop or computer to see what work is there? Do you need to see it right away?
BOLLING: First we need to point out, sneezing panda funny, laughing baby out of control funny.
But I was waiting for RIM, the company that owns BlackBerry, for the stock to come down, because I was hoping it would come down and be a great place to buy it. But it never came down. Everybody thought it would crash. The point is this. We rely on this so much there is no replacement for it. iPhone tries, it doesn't replace it, Kim. Push e-mail, there is no comparison.
BECKEL: You have two of those things? Why don't you use the iPhone it works a lot better?
BOLLLING: No, it's the Push e-mail that -- anyway, I didn't buy the stock.
BECKEL: I got my iPhone wet once, actually in a toilet. It actually works after that.
GUTFELD: You fished it out and dried it off?
BECKEL: It was clean.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: Yesterday, I wasn't on the show. I was in Northern Kentucky University to do an event with former White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary.
GUTFELD: He is like a human BlackBerry.
PERINO: We had an actual conversation.
GUTFELD: You are an iPhone.
PERINO: I have a BlackBerry, but I wish I didn't. But I saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time. This guy has not been online for a year. And he was the happiest person I've seen in a long time.
BECKEL: You guys know how much you make fun of me for not using these things. But I think it would do us all good if we had none of these for a week. You go down the street, people are texting, talking on it. First of all, you think they're half nuts because they've got it hidden, they've got this in their ear --
BOLLING: Whose phone goes off the most during the show?
GUILFOYLE: Bob!
BECKEL: That's because that is the hour you have to place your bets.
GUILFOYLE: West Coast ponies.
GUTFELD: It's a good point. You know what drives me nuts, if you walk down a street and person in front of you is texting and slows you down, and they it turns you actually are the person doing it and you don't care. It's one of those things that only bothers you if someone else is doing it.
PERINO: Like on a train. Can I make a complaint about something. This is a public service announcement. If you have an iPad and you are going to get on the train and you sit next to somebody, you have to turn off the function that makes the tapping sound when you type, because it goes tick, tick, tick, tick, tick for three hours. I might drive somebody insane, maybe.
GUTFELD: You know how pathetic I am? I can't watch a movie without my laptop in my lap. Do you watch TV without a laptop?
GUILFOYLE: You make fun of me? You make fun of me. Look at you.
GUTFELD: You are constantly on it.
GUILFOYLE: I'm getting stuff done. I'm super efficient with this.
PERINO: Moms need this connection. I actually think moms need this connection.
GUILFOYLE: Yes! You're right. Thank you very much.
BECKEL: What has this done to human conversation?
PERINO: Just look at us on here on "The Five."
BECKEL: In the break, we love each other here, but everybody immediately gets on these things. Yes I may talk to my bookie but you guys talk to thousands of different people.
PERINO: They're our viewers.
GUILFOYLE: Listen, Mr. Britney Spears over here, not so innocent, because you know what else is coming in on that phone.
BECKEL: Don't get into that.
(LAUGHTER)
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: Do you want that can opened up? I don't think you do.
GUILFOYLE: Go to a break!
BECKEL: You want to go to a break? I bet you do after that. That was a mistake.
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