Are avocados the reason Trump softened his threat to shut down the southern border?

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 6, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: Mystery case. Did you hear what I said? I said, the mystery case. That's better.

You probably remember the basics here about the mystery case and why it is so mysterious, but also still shrouded in mystery. So this is important now when it comes to the mystery case. Right?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: So now she's even mocking herself.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Well, it was either a bad week for Joe Biden or kind of a bad week for Joe Biden. Here he is discussing the recent controversy about his roving hands.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: You've got to admit, he is adorable when he's excited. But let's get to the part where he talks about his problem.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT: Just as a support and encouragement that I've made to women, and some men and I've made them uncomfortable. I never thought of politics as cold and antiseptic. I've always thought about connecting with people. And I said, shaking hands, hands on the shoulder, a hug. The idea that I can adjust to the fact that personal space is important, more important than it's ever been. It is -- it's just not unthinkable. I will.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, this would have been better if it was satin wearing pajamas.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And may be smoking a pipe. But there you go, he admits it. But he doesn't apologize. He just refers to the changing times.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Social norms have begun to change. They have shifted and the boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset and I get it. I get it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: He gets it. See, Joe seems to remember a special time or a special place when it was okay to sniff hair and touch noses with strangers you just met. I think we have a name for it. The dog park.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: So that gives me a possible solution for Joe in this era of self- identification. If everyone these days can choose their biology, their race, their gender, why not choose your species? If people can identify as a different race? Why can't Joe identify as a dog? Right? Bill Clinton did for most of his life.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And there are those who have already blazed a trail for Joe like this fella.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: For a simpler life, one man has transformed himself into a goat. He lived as a goat. He went ahead with the herd. But why would anyone go to such lengths to be a goat? I suppose it was because it could be fairly difficult, depressive and just stressful being a human being.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So be a goat. Be a goat. And he's not alone. There's a whole group of people who now identify as other beings.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: You don't see that on "Special Report."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Or do you? So there's your solution. Joe, you're a golden retriever.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So it's not all bad for the guy. Because even though there were seven accusers, the accusations weren't about anything sexual? It was just weird, personal space stuff. And Joe is already joking about it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: He gave me permission to touch him, all right.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Man, why does every kid he hugs look like a hostage.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And if you look at the faces of those he hugs, they appear to be the opposite of comfortable. They look like they're getting a wet Willy from a banana slug.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But maybe that's what the country needs. Right, Donny?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONNY DEUTSCH, HOST, MSNBC: It is a weird irony to this thing about him hugging people, and once again, obviously we're not totally invading people's space, what the essence of what's behind it and Mika, you know him personally, is the genuineness of what a hug is and let's not lose sight of -- we all need -- this country, that's what this country means right now. Not invasion of space, but a heartfelt hug.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So the country needs an old creepy guy to give it a hug from behind. All right, Donny. The creepiness is contagious, but maybe Joe truly appreciates the human form. Or maybe he assumes they appreciate his human form, because it could be ego. He's making them feel special by feeling them in a special way. But like Joe's hands, at least this issue is out in the open. And you know, it's open -- out the open when Trump retweets this meme.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: I shake hands, I hug people. I grab men and women on the shoulders and say, "You can do this." And whether they are women, or men, it's the way I've always been and it's the way I've tried to show I care about them and I'm listening. (END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Okay, the best part of this is the hysterical self-righteous press rushing to tell us idiot that this video -- this video, it was doctored. It's not real.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, ANCHOR, CNN: Mr. President is always looking for a detour down into the dirt. And today he was taunting the Vice President on Twitter with a message, "Welcome back Joe," and a doctored video pinned to his feed that has special effects to make the former VP look like a predator.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me it's doctored?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I never would have known. You mean, would Joe Biden snuck up behind the other Joe Biden? To give him a back rub? That's not real? You mean there aren't two Joe Bidens?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Thanks, media. I actually await Cuomo and friends when they tell us that this is a doctored photo, too.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Or this one.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And this one.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: By the way, that is not doctored. Anyway, Biden hit back on Twitter. So now, we have two guys in their 70s in a Twitter battle. Life is good if that's your headline. And what of Nancy's solution for Joe's creepy rubs.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF., SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: Just pretend you have a cold and I have a cold.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Makes sense. But imagine a Republican telling a young woman, "Hey, next time someone tries to grab you, just tell me you have the flu." Why not enough to say you know you should wear a longer skirt and a headscarf. It's kind of weird that it's on you to fake an illness to escape the weirdness.

But it got us thinking, maybe there's a way to stop that guy who's always trying to invade your personal space at work. Always trying to give you a backrub or nuzzle in your ear. There must be some kind of product for that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ladies and gentlemen of the Board, profits for the first quarter of 2019 have never been higher. Costs are down. Customer satisfaction is through the roof. And it's all because of the people at this table. So proud of you.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you know someone at work who often gets a little too touchy feely? It's not sexual, but it's not exactly appropriate either. You're uncomfortable and have thought about saying something, but you really like to do, so you say nothing.

Well, now you don't have to. Introducing the ultimate Touchy Feely Preventer Spikes. The highly advanced technology contained in the ultimate Touchy Feely Preventers Spikes guarantees that even the friendliest of co- workers will struggle to make contact with your body.

Well, they're super comfortable so you never have to be uncomfortable ever again. And if you act now, we'll throw in our all new anti-hair sniffing helmet totally free.

Available at K-mart.

(Cheering and Applause)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He could have been big, but instead he was rich. Singer and songwriter, John Rich.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He's handled more roles than a baker on meth, actor, Nick Searcy.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She's got more sass than a tube has got brass. Host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And He's both big and rich, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, host of "UnPC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, John, is all of this stuff helping him or hurting him.

JOHN RICH, SINGER/SONGWRITER: First of all, I don't get to do your show very often. But you invite me on hair sniffing week.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RICH: So of all the weeks -- now, you know, I don't know it could help him because I mean, you know, as a as kind of a songwriter guy, I thought, "Wow, what a great slogan and phrase this could be for his presidential run." Joe Biden, really in touch with the American people.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That is a --

RICH: It could work for him.

GUTFELD: That is a great t shirt for him. He should take that.

RICH: It could work for him.

GUTFELD: You should actually send that to him.

RICH: Maybe I will.

GUTFELD: You might save his campaign. So Nick, who did this? I mean, everybody thinks -- he blamed right wing trolls. We don't care.

NICK SEARCY, ACTOR: No.

GUTFELD: We don't care. We wouldn't probably want to run against Biden, or maybe we won't. This has the fingerprints of who?

SEARCY: Well, yes, I mean, Biden has been famous for this for years.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SEARCY: I mean, he's been swimming naked in front of his female Secret Service agents for years. The only reason it's happening now is because the Democrats are trying to take him out.

GUTFELD: Right.

SEARCY: But the best thing about it is the jokes. I mean, you know, there is a hashtag on Twitter. Biden in a song. It's just the best. You know, you can't get enough of it. He stopped sniffing hair today.

RICH: Oh wow.

SEARCY: You can't -- I hate myself for rubbing you.

(Laughter)

SEARCY: You just can't stop.

GUTFELD: Kat, do you have any songs?

KATHERINE TIMPF, HOST: No songs. I have some thoughts. My first thought when I all of saw this happen with if any creepy old man ever tried to sniff my hair, joke would be on them because almost none of it is my hair.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Interesting. Where does your hair come from?

TIMPF: From the store, which is what I was going to recommend. I mean, look, look, this is one of those situations where no one is really super right like making women uncomfortable. Never good. At the same time, we can't -- we shouldn't cancel some old guy because he likes sniffing hair too much. So what he should do is he should do what I do and just by the stranger's hair at the store.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TIMPF: Because that way when he finds himself about ready to sniff the strange hair that is still attached to the stranger. He can just go into his pocket. He's already got some stranger's hair right there. He can sniff. I've got some store recommendations for you, Joe. If you want to buy your own, you can -- he can buy many, many tracks if he wants to and just carry with them everywhere he goes. I mean, I'm sorry, I just gave a Democrat some help on Fox News.

GUTFELD: He's got a slogan and a place to sniff hair. Tyrus, can I play you some sound on tape of Joe talking about what might happen next and get your comments.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST, FOX NATION: Sure.

GUTFELD: Let's do that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you expect a lot more people to come forward?

BIDEN: Well I -- you know, I wouldn't be surprised. But I've had hundreds and hundreds of people who contact me and oh, I don't know. And you know, say the exact opposite.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I've never been disrespectful intentionally.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Intentionally, unintentionally -- I'm all over the place.

MURDOCH: So we've got a serial touchist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know what, I love the fact that he made a joke.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I didn't love the fact that there was kids on the stage and you made the joke. If you're going to make a joke about being creepy, please don't have children present. That's just a little -- just a little too much for me.

GUTFELD: There goes my career.

MURDOCH: Oh yes.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Literally. But the part about this whole thing and you touched about it is, the Democratic Party, them some [EXPLETIVE] couldn't open an umbrella together if they tried. They just don't get it.

Joe Biden being in the race is a good thing for you guys, for the so called narrative new and improved Democrat you want running. If they can beat him in the primaries. They beat a battle tested Vice President, and maybe -- maybe -- they would have a puncher's chance against the monster that is Trump. And if you told President Trump, oh, he's touching people. And?

And why they're telling him, he would probably do this, while they're talking.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So think about who you're going up against.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, that's a good point.

MURDOCH: But good for Biden for not doing the democratic thing and stepping out. Good for him for standing up for himself.

GUTFELD: But the only thing is, two weeks ago, didn't he apologize for the white male heritage or something like that. So it's like yet -- he still apologized. He's just not very bright. I think it's safe to say he is not very bright.

MURDOCH: No, I think he's mad. I think he's like -- I think, he as a team of people advising him, "You're going to have to apologize." Instead of saying what he wants to say is, "So I touched a few people. So I love a little too much. Am I wrong?"

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: "Yes, Joe, you are." If hugging people is wrong, I don't want to be right.

RICH: There's another song.

GUTFELD: That's another slogan. We're helping him. All right --

MURDOCH: I've got a songwriter's gift. He gave me a hat as a gift. Mr. Rich gave me his hat, so maybe that's where it's coming from.

GUTFELD: It's rubbing off on you. Ops, just can't say rubbing off.

MURDOCH: No.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All right, "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" is back. Here is the upcoming schedule. May 4th, Tulsa, Oklahoma; May 5th, Dallas; and May 6th, Midland, Texas. Special guest, Tom Shillue. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket information.

Up next, Chicago wants their money back. Jussie says no way. This story never gets worse, only better.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They say he staged the attack and they want their money back. Chicago, the city not the band will sue Jussie Smollett to get back the cost of investigation of the alleged attack. I don't know what I just said. They say the attack never happened. Jussie was charged and suddenly cleared of the charges by the prosecutor's office. The city gave them until Thursday to pay 130 grand in reimbursement costs. He didn't pay, so the city wants to file a civil suit.

Smollett's attorney says his client will be intimidated into paying, meanwhile, Chicago Police are also calling for city prosecutor's Kim Foxx to resign.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KEVIN GRAHAM, CHICAGO POLICE UNION PRESIDENT: The problem is she is not listening to the law enforcement officials. She's unilaterally making decisions about policies and about public policy without consulting the law enforcement in this county.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Charming man. Kim Foxx says she is not going anywhere, so all sides are dug in. No one is giving an inch, which means we'll have something to talk about all summer and I have to go to you, Nick, because you're in Hollywood.

SEARCY: Yes.

GUTFELD: You are. Does anybody there like off the record when they're not like being chased by TMZ actually believe anything from Smollett?

SEARCY: No, I don't think so. And you know, my friends and I we've been talking. We're beginning to think that it's a more elaborate hoax then just Jussie, like everybody is in on it. Like Rahm Emanuel, like the mayor, everybody. It's like some Andy Kaufman hoax.

GUTFELD: Wow.

SEARCY: And that pretty soon, Jussie is going to unzip the suit and it's going to be Andy Kaufman. He was alive the whole time. The whole thing was like a complete setup, because it's gotten so ridiculous and it just keep snowballing and Rahm Emanuel is trying to look good by looking hard because he's coming in. And it's like, I think the whole thing is completely a setup from every party.

GUTFELD: He could -- Jussie Smollett unzips it and it's Andy Kaufman and then Andy Kaufman unzips it and it's D.B. Cooper.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And then it's D.B. Cooper and it's the remains of Amelia Earhart.

RICH: Wow.

GUTFELD: Inside of Al Capone's vault.

SEARCY: So many mysteries. So many mysteries solved.

RICH: In Jimmy Hoffa's grave.

GUTFELD: I'm choking here, Tyrus. Okay, let's say that you're Smollett's agent.

MURDOCH: Okay.

GUTFELD: You haven't resigned yet?

MURDOCH: Okay.

GUTFELD: So what would what path would you tell him to take?

MURDOCH: Mr. Smollett, I think, pay them, so we can get on with this. You caused this. You're not being -- see that? That's called --

GUTFELD: I would pay.

MURDOCH: That's exactly -- you make $126,000.00 an episode, right. So you work for a day and 15 minutes for free?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Pay this so this can go away. You did this. Like this isn't -- he was not cleared of these charges. They made a deal and they sealed it. He got a little help on the inside instead of doing -- and then he came out and gave that ridiculous speech. "I wouldn't be my momma's son if I was ..." Bruh, pay. You wanted -- Chris Rock took the U away. And now you're Jessie. You're not Jussie anymore. You want the U back? Your ass better pay that fine and move on?

GUTFELD: That's a costly U. Yes U, or E? I don't know, Kat. What would you say are the odds of him paying?

TIMPF: He's not going to for a reason which I -- look, I actually found myself being a little jealous of him.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Which in this situation, yes. Hear me out. Hear me out.

MURDOCH: We're listening.

TIMPF: Because everyone in the world knows that he's lying. And yet he's not paying because he still thinks this is going to turn out fine. If I just keep telling everyone I didn't do it, then everyone is going to have my back. I mean, he has the world crumbling around him in a giant [bleep] storm and he is still in the middle of it, like, "I'm a star, and it's all going to be fine." I would love to have that kind of self confidence, Greg.

MURDOCH: This is starting to sound like one of your old relationships.

TIMPF: I would love to have that kind of self-confidence.

MURDOCH: This is one of your old relationships, isn't it?

TIMPF: What part?

MURDOCH: Dude, it's crumbling around all around you. Everyone is like, "Kat, leave him," and you're like, "No, he's a star. It's okay."

TIMPF: It's kind of like you know how I leave my fake eyelashes on for days after we film because I feel I get eyelash dysmorphia?

MURDOCH: Okay.

TIMPF: It's like I wait until every last little wisp of lash has fallen off. Yes. That is how I also approach relationships.

MURDOCH: So this is a relationship story.

TIMPF: Well, it could be.

MURDOCH: Yes, it is.

TIMPF: You can lie to yourself if that's what you mean. But I tend to see the worst in situations, not better.

GUTFELD: I am a little grossed out by the decaying eyelashes.

MURDOCH: Yes, what the hell. Did you say you have rotting eyelashes? Is it other people's eyelashes?

TIMPF: They are synthetic eyelashes.

MURDOCH: Okay, okay. That's fine. That's cool.

TIMPF: Scientists made them.

GUTFELD: Thank God for that. John, do you think it's right? Okay, here's -- I can't believe I'm going to defend Smollett on this. But my problem with civil suits is that you can punish somebody after they've been found not guilty, which was what happened with OJ and I love that. Like they're punishing OJ because he killed those two people even though he got off. I'm just wondering though, that could happen to anybody, right? That could happen.

RICH: I honestly think he's probably got this master plan where the longer he carries this out, he is setting up for the Jussie Smollett movie.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RICH: A movie about his life. More money than he would have ever seen per episode on that show. The longer he can carry it out, the more drama he can create. By God, there is this big payoff coming down the road. And I'm also extremely shocked that there's any corruption in Chicago politics.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RICH: That's really what shocks me the most, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

RICH: I am blown away by that.

GUTFELD: I don't think I could ever look at that city the same again. But the great thing is, he plays himself in the movie. It's set.

RICH: No, it's a perfect set up.

MURDOCH: It's all a bad guy movie.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RICH: This guy is playing chess, man.

MURDOCH: There's no heroes in it.

RICH: This guy is playing chess, man. He's moving into the big deal with this thing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SEARCY: And he will be rewarded for it. I bet you by the end of it, he'll be a bigger star. And he will he will get work because of it.

GUTFELD: I think -- I don't know -- I think you should say that this was entire performance art. It's a long play like you said. It's like you said Nick, its entire purpose -- because there's no other way out. He's like the guy at the end of "Fargo" where he's crawling out the window and the guy is pulling him back in. He is in his underpants. I don't know why I remember that.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Up next, Trump, the border and avocados, which is a berry by the way.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. The search is intensifying for an American woman kidnapped at a wildlife park in Uganda. Kimberly Sue Endicott was taken at gunpoint with her Safari guide earlier this week. Her abductors have reportedly demanded $500,000.00 using her cell phone to make calls. Two Canadian tourists also on the tour were able to escape. The 56-year-old is an aesthetician and she operates a skincare clinic in California.

Back here at home, authorities are investigating three suspicious fires at historically black churches in Louisiana. The fire started on March 26 near Lafayette. Investigators say there are clear patterns linking the blazes and a fourth church fire in Caddo Parish about three hours away on March 31st was intentionally set.

I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: The border closing is near, give or take a year. President Trump adjusted his threat to close large sections of the border giving Mexico a one year warning. But first, I wonder do we love Mexico?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: We love Mexico. We love the country of Mexico. We have two problems. We have the fact that they allow people to pour in to our country. And the other problem is drugs. Massive amounts of -- a large -- most of the drugs -- much of the drugs coming into our country come through the southern border.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So Trump wants Mexico to stop the drugs and stop the caravans or he'll put tariffs on cars, and if that didn't work, then he'd close the border. And he will do it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: And I will do it, just like, you know I will do it. I don't play games.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I don't play games. So why did Trump go from we're going to close the border to maybe in a year. One theory -- avocados. Avocado prices spiked on word that a border shut down was imminent. Avocados come from Mexico. No border crossings, no avocado, and people love their avocados. Do you have any idea what life would be like in a world without avocados?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Imagine a world where everything you love gets taken from you in an instant. Imagine a world without avocado.

First, without avocados, avocado toast is nowhere to be found on brunch menus across the country. Out of rage, all women named Rachel violently begin kicking the crap out of all hostess' named Britney.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: [Bleep] you, Britney.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Restaurants scramble to create a substitute. It consists of four parts mushed green peas and one part Nickelodeon slime. The problem, everyone who consumes that gets a 72-hour case of the most explosive diarrhea.

With the public distracted, Maroon 5, Coldplay and Radiohead form a super group and release the worst album of all time.

North Korea interprets the album as a sign of aggression, and immediately launches the nuclear arsenal against the rest of the world. America and its allies retaliate and the age of thermonuclear war begins.

Earth is left in a shroud of chaos and despair. All because Trump shut down the border and cut off your access to avocados.

This message brought to you by big avocado.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, big avocado. They're going to -- and Kat, you wore the avocado dress.

TIMPF: On purpose.

GUTFELD: On purpose.

MURDOCH: Way to step up, Kat, nice job.

GUTFELD: Yes, Kat, it's kind of sad that the major source of concern for the media are the avocados.

TIMPF: A lot about this is sad. Yes, that is sad. My views on the wall have nothing to do with avocados. I'll just say that.

GUTFELD: Okay, that's good.

TIMPF: I don't -- I don't. And then I don't like talking about the wall on this show, obviously, because I disagree with everybody about the wall. And then I have like some old grandpa tweet at me and be like, "Your boobs are small."

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Which I really appreciate because if you didn't tell me how would I know?

GUTFELD: Is it all grandpas?

TIMPF: It's always grandpas. And you look at their profile, and it's like loving husband, father. And they're like holding a picture of a baby. I'm like can someone check on that baby?

MURDOCH: Baby Jesus.

TIMPF: But yes, I know what my body looks like. I know where my views stand. I stand for the free exchange of non-violent people across borders, but they don't get free stuff, either.

GUTFELD: Yes, but now the thing. That's the internal conflict. If they're -- if our country is in a direction of free stuff, then you have to make sure the container for the free stuff is a container. Because if you have an influx of people and free stuff, then the country goes to pieces. I have a theory, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Tyrus, pleased to meet you.

GUTFELD: Almost called you Tucker. I am on so many medications right now, I can say --

MURDOCH: You know what, I know he is. He gave me a compliment at the beginning of the show. He said I was rich.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: This is the eternal struggle between the adult and the child. All that Trump is talking about are these long term solutions to these problems that keep coming back like crisis, no crisis; crisis, no crisis, but he's saying long term we've got to fix this. That's an adult, kind of mean parent answer and everybody else is like, "Oh, oh," like children.

MURDOCH: You know, I'm not really sure what the question was in there, but I'm going to try it anyway. I think this has a lot to do with the Mueller report. I think the pressure of that is over. And he's able to get back to being a President and he gets upset, and he makes -- I will close the border tomorrow. Excuse me, Mr. President, if you do that, that's probably not a good idea.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: We'll give you a year. Because he's listening to advisers. He's listening to -- he's being the adult in the room where he says an idea and he goes, and they're like, "Well, realistically, if we gave them a year, maybe give tariffs," these are good presidential decisions. And on "The Five" yesterday, when you're out sick, he was on the border and he was doing a little speech.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And he handed over to a woman named "Gloria," and she laid -- I mean, she just laid it out. She's in the trenches. She's explaining the wall. She's explaining all the stuff with immigration, and I was like, "Damn," people -- one -- one smile and agreed with her.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow.

MURDOCH: I wanted it slow motion. Because people respect feet on the ground. They expect facts and they expect people to be the adult in the room. And the reason why they're pushing avocados is because mainstream media is still a bunch of little rich ass babies. They just don't want to let it go.

GUTFELD: Rich ass babies.

RICH: Hey dot com.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: See right there, that's a duet.

RICH: Somebody's getting at your oil right now.

MURDOCH: That's a duet.

SEARCY: That's a great band.

GUTFELD: You know what I love about this story is that asparagus -- 75 percent of asparagus come from Mexico, but nobody gives a damn about asparagus. Because they're so freaking gross.

MURDOCH: I love asparagus. What are you talking about, it's great for you.

RICH: It makes your pee smell funny.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tastes funny, too.

RICH: I mean ...

GUTFELD: The asparagus tastes funny.

SEARCY: You can't make asparagus toast. You can't do that.

GUTFELD: No, you can't. And it's all stock. No fun.

RICH: Hey, listen. If no avocado is coming across the border in exchange for no fentanyl coming across the border. I'll make that swap any day, anytime? You know. So --

(Cheering and Applause)

RICH: Let's make a decision.

GUTFELD: What do you think, Nick?

SEARCY: I've got an avocado tree in my backyard, so I don't care.

(Laughter)

SEARCY: But I did want to see if he could close the border like that. I thought we'd been arguing about that for like two years now.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SEARCY: He can just do it, like that?

GUTFELD: The entire border crossings would shut down, just at the legal the legal crossings.

MURDOCH: Point of entry, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. So --

SEARCY: Well, I don't think it would be a bad idea. But nobody is asking me, except you.

GUTFELD: I did, I asked you and I'm a somebody. Somebody who hates asparagus. All right, up next, another day, another person in a MAGA hat getting grief. Stick around.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Another spat over a bright red hat. Like many things in life, it happened in a Starbucks in Palo Alto, California. Both were customers and according to Vic, the hat wearer, this happened.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

VIC, STARBUCKS CUSTOMER WEARING MAGA HAT: This woman came over and just starts not only screaming at me, she turned to the Starbucks audience and said, "Hey, everybody come here. This guy is a racist."

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Turns out the women, Rebecca Mankey also went on Facebook and wrote about the incident, too, saying she called the whole Starbucks to order to yell at the man in the hat about hating brown people. And that she was sad because she was the only one who did. The backlash came against her, people started calling her place of work, a music store. The store fired her because bullying someone you disagree with isn't their thing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RICHARD JOHNSTON, GRYPHON STRINGED INSTRUMENTS OWNER: We've always felt that Gryphon was the equivalent of kind of a musical Town Square for the community. And we welcome people of all views.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's my kind of place. Right, Jeff?

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: Did I did everybody else see what I just saw? Because I am on medications. All right, I'm going to go to Tyrus because you are wearing a hat side from John. But you're wearing a new hat.

MURDOCH: Really -- I like hats. I like my hats.

GUTFELD: See, I don't I'm not wearing hats. Because why would you cover this?

MURDOCH: Yes, sometimes you just have got to own it.

GUTFELD: Yes, you got it. So this person basically tried to destroy this other guy's life. They try to galvanize a mob, and she was disturbed that you couldn't galvanize a mob. Then she goes through social media to create another mob and she vows to destroy him. I think she should have been fired.

MURDOCH: Yes, I think I made the right choice there. She's obviously not good at decision making.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Like, hey, let's get them guys. Guys. Seriously? You know what? I struggle with the MAGA hat a lot because, unfortunately, there's a small group who do wear it for those reasons. But if I see somebody wearing a MAGA hat, I'm usually focused on my own day. And unless they've got a torch and a pitchfork in their hand, then I'm -- unless then, I'd be like, you know what, that guy in a MAGA hat is a [bleep]. I'm going to mess him up. But an old man way who is supporting what he feels the hat says "Make America Great Again." I don't have an issue with that.

But the issue, the image of the hat does need to be cleaned up a little bit. You know, that's where at some point, maybe if Mr. President came out and said, "If you wear this hat, because you've got hate, this hat is not for you. This is about America bringing us together," then that would change things.

But this is a wonderful thing. If you have a question, you see that old man and judging by his interview, he looks like he can talk a little bit. Excuse me. I'm just curious why do you wear that hat, sir? And if he says because we need to get all the brown people out of here, then let's get him guys and then everybody goes with me.

GUTFELD: Yes, ask first.

MURDOCH: Investigate.

GUTFELD: Ask first, then mob.

MURDOCH: Lynch mob. Investigate.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

MURDOCH: Two things that never went together.

GUTFELD: Yes, Nick, I think that a lot of this is due to the media. I don't think the hat -- the media was incredibly successful in turning that hat into a symbol. First, it was a positive symbol, and the media was able to --

MURDOCH: Exactly.

GUTFELD: It's "Make America Great," but then immediately attach it to these other things. And now it's on -- you can't get it out of there.

SEARCY: Well -- and that's what gave this this woman the idea that she had the right to speak this way to this man because it's been tarred as a racist symbol and that everybody who wears a hat is some kind of a racist and that's not true, but see, you know, in her way - self-righteous way, she thinks she has the right to treat people that way. And I think now the Make America Great Again, the MAGA hat now stands for Make [bleep] Get Fired Again.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: John, what is it about -- we're seeing this a lot. Just people like kind of regressing into an infantile state. Like, if that was your parents you would be ashamed if your parents did that.

RICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Your parent tells you not to do that.

RICH: I mean, so Starbucks is owned by who?

GUTFELD: Howard Schultz.

RICH: And he's running for --

GUTFELD: Yes, President, okay, maybe, yes.

RICH: Possibly. And so I'd like to see him make a definitive statement one way or the other how you're supposed to treat people when they come in your store. This is in his coffee shop. I'd like to hear what he has to say about it,

GUTFELD: But the girl didn't work out. The girl didn't work that, right? She didn't work there.

MURDOCH: She worked at the record store.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MURDOCH: Again, two places --

SEARCY: But it happened in the Starbucks --

RICH: It happened in his spot.

MURDOCH: If you're going to get a lynch mob, record stores and coffee shops are not where you enlist people for a lynch mob. You've got to go to the gym.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? Or a bar. You don't go to a record store where people are buying albums saying guys, "Let's get someone," like, "No, it's going to scratch my album."

GUTFELD: Kat, I just don't like anybody who says let's get them in general. I'm not a -- I don't even -- even if I find somebody I don't like, I'm not into the mob thing.

TIMPF: Right? Well, it's interesting because being a 30 year old woman, I've seen a lot of hats.

GUTFELD: Five years ago.

TIMPF: I've seen a lot of hats. I'm exactly 30, that's what's known as age shaming, which affects women more than men.

MURDOCH: I'm laughing with you.

TIMPF: Okay.

MURDOCH: Let's get them.

TIMPF: Let's get them. But I could never imagine not liking a hat so much that I actually say something about it. And I have seen dudes walking around in those FBI female body inspector hats, so if I can see a dude walking around in one of those hats. She can calm down. This is America. We let all adults dress themselves like even Carrot Top can dress himself.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And if she wants to dress someone else, she should just like have a baby like a normal person. That's why people have babies, right? I don't know.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is.

TIMPF: Is that why you had kids?

MURDOCH: Yes, clothing power.

GUTFELD: Clothing power. I hate Crocs. I hate leggings.

MURDOCH: I'm with you there.

TIMPF: Leggings are pants.

GUTFELD: No, they are not pants.

TIMPF: Yes, they are pants.

GUTFELD: No, they are not pants.

TIMPF: Yes, they are pants.

GUTFELD: This is a preview of our special we're doing on Fox News. Leggings. Underwear or pants?

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Underwear.

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Underwear.

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Underwear.

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Underwear.

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Underwear.

TIMPF: Pants.

GUTFELD: Look, I don't need to see every part of somebody's body when I am at the airports.

TIMPF: You don't need to look at every part of everybody's body when you're at the airport.

MURDOCH: Oh no, Kat. That's size shaming. He has no choice. He is standing there and somebody walks by in a leggings. It's all in this face. That's size shaming. No, that's not fair. I am sorry. I am sorry. It's not his fault.

GUTFELD: All right, up next, why are Americans having less sex. I blame CNN.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We're taking a vacation from copulation. A new survey finds that nearly one in four adults haven't had sex in the past year. That's more than any year since 1989. The same year Phil Collins was at the top of the charts. No one ever got busy with Phil playing in the background. But now, a large portion of the sexless are 20-something men.

In the last decade, the share of dudes under 30 reporting no sex has nearly tripled. For women, not so much. One expert says it could be because not only are young people more likely to live at home, but also because there's quote "more things to do at 10 o'clock at night than there were 20 years ago. Streaming video, social media, console games, everything else." Translation porn.

For more, let's take a look at what I was doing in my 20s.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I'm Greg Gutfeld, and I love you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I haven't changed a bit. All right, Kat, do you have any theories on this?

TIMPF: My dad watches this show. I do not want to talk about sex. My grandma also watches this show and my grandpa. I would like to talk about literally anything else including that one time when I had scabies and fleas in the same day. My mom told me to never tell anybody that because she said it was gross.

GUTFELD: John --

RICH: I think she told you. Greg, it takes confidence to have sex with someone else. It takes confidence to be able to talk to someone to the point, get the known to the point and hopefully that they like you enough or maybe that might happen, right?

So if you're sitting around worried about how many people are following you on Twitter or what level you're at on Fortnite and maybe you didn't hit the level you wanted, your confidence is down, you're not going to go out and talk to anybody. So I agree that, you know, tech is wrecking people right now. It's just like they're not going out and talking to anybody anymore. I don't think they know how to communicate.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. It's true. They've replaced foreplay with Fortnite.

RICH: That's right.

GUTFELD: All right, Nick.

SEARCY: Not only does it take confidence to talk somebody into sex, it really takes a lot of work and it can be really annoying. It can really get on your nerves. I mean, you know, listening, I've been married for 33 years and it's still a real struggle.

(Laughter)

RICH: She looked at me right about now.

SEARCY: she is very annoyed that I even brought that up.

RICH: She's just like --

SEARCY: But you know, this -- you know, what happens under 30, you know, it's completely out of my demographic, but I just want to say to all those guys out there that are under 30, it gets better.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's a great PSA. All right, Tyrus, close it up for us.

MURDOCH: As you know --

TIMPF: I'm concerned.

MURDOCH: As you know, I like to reproduce. We've talked about that, Greg. In my 20s, it was so quick I didn't even meet people. We would just -- we had nothing else to do. It's cheap. It's free. Everybody usually has fun. I think, it's sad fellas, if you say, "Just a minute dear, I'm not finished with my game yet." You have a [bleep] problem.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's true. Cannot dispute that.

MURDOCH: Just a minute. I'm binge watching Netflix. Bruh, you're just a minute, is some new dude's half hour. Just --

(Laughter)

RICH: That's right.

SEARCY: I think we should go back to scabies. How did we end up --

TIMPF: Much less disgusting, yes.

GUTFELD: Maybe you were right.

MURDOCH: Why is sex disgusting? Besides I know, your dad's watching. My parents don't watch.

TIMPF: I have no idea because I am not entirely sure what it is.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I know what it is.

MURDOCH: Happy push-ups.

GUTFELD: It's happy push-ups.

RICH: It starts with hair sniffing, I know that.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right, "Final Thoughts," up next.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: Final Thoughts. It's the last thought. That's why it's called the final thoughts, okay.

GUTFELD: We don't much time, John, thoughts?

RICH: Well, thanks for having me on your show. I'm really proud of my Granny Rich. She's 87 years old. Everybody knows about Redneck Riviera Whiskey. We just launched Granny Rich Reserve redneckriviera.com, you put your zip code in that store locator, boom, you find it. We support these guys, The Folds of Honor, so I'm proud to have that out.

GUTFELD: Yes, excellent.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Nick, you've got a movie.

SEARCY: Yes, "The Best of Enemies" opens this weekend. Please go see it. Sam Rockwell, Taraji P. Henson and Nick Searcy.

GUTFELD: You're in a lot of movies.

Content and Programming Copyright 2019 Fox News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Copyright 2019 ASC Services II Media, LLC. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of ASC Services II Media, LLC. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.