This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," January 5, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I was here on Christmas evening. I was all by myself in the White House. It's is a big, big house except for all of the guys out on the lawn with machine guns, the nicest machine guns I have ever seen."


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: You should have called. Yes, yes, yes. All right, the New Year began with a shot heard around the world.


ANDERSON COOPER, ANCHOR, CNN: Feel free to toast along with us.

ANDY COHEN, TELEVISION PRODUCER: Absolutely. You know what, everybody here seems to be having a great time.


COHEN: He's not a good drinker.

COOPER: Ah. It's like burning your lungs.


GUTFELD: That gave me the creeps. I mean, he sounded like Chewbacca receiving a hot coffee enema, or a Jersey Shore seagull choking on a toenail. Can we play it again?


COHEN: You know what, everybody here seems to be having a great time.


COHEN: He's not a good drinker.


GUTFELD: He sounds like the Wicked Witch before she melted. Anderson drinks booze like CNN reports news. Anyway, the New Year ended there, I would be happy, but instead, we got Mitt.


SEN. MITT ROMNEY, R-UT: A leader has an impact, not just on policies, but also on the character of the people who get to watch that person and I think that's an area the President needs to focus more attention and hopefully make some changes there.


GUTFELD: Oi, yes, Mitt went after Trump penning a screed in "The Washington Post" and what a scoop it was. He bravely stated that Trump is rude and divisive and mean. Something he must have learned groveling for that Secretary of State job.

Thanks, Mitt for supplying the same fertilizer we already knew when we elected the guy. I can't wait for the news you break in your next column, on the exciting new beverage called milk. But that's our Mitt. The opposite of Trump -- flat, boring and kind of clueless.

Here are three things I found that were blander than Mitt Romney. Number one, Melba Toast; number two, drywall; and number three, crap - I couldn't find a third thing. All right, let's do a third thing. Here are three things that were blander than Mitt Romney -- one, Melba Toast; two, dry wall; and three, two Mitt Romney's.

Looks like a jackpot. Anyway, I like Mitt, the same way I like clean socks. They are nice to have, but instantly forgotten. But let's be honest. Mitt got taken like so many conservative anti- Trumpers who crave the strange new respect they might get from the media when they bash the President.

Now just a few years ago, Mitt was deemed by the media as a dog-hating, woman in binders misogynist. Now, that same media who made him out to be a Mormon Hitler thinks he is brave and that has got to feel good, Mitt thinks. People like him, finally. No, they still think you are a fool but now, you are a useful one.

Poor Mitt, he is handsome as ever, but slower than molasses on crutches. Doesn't he realize that once he stops bashing Trump, it's back to bashing Mitt? But it's not like Trump cares. He seems like he's in a good mood. I bet it's because he got a great letter from Kim Jong-un.


TRUMP: I just got a great letter from Kim Jong-un, and those few people that I've shown this letter to, they've never written letters like that. This letter is a great letter.


GUTFELD: It's a great letter. It's a great letter. You know, we'd all be happy for a great letter or maybe it's something else, you know, he does get along very well with India and Prime Minister Modi or Modi.


TRUMP: I get along very well with India and Prime Minister Modi. But he's constantly telling me he built the library in Afghanistan. Okay, a library. That's like -- you know what that is? That's like five hours of what we spend and he tells it and he's very smart and we're supposed to say, "Oh thank you for the library." I don't know who's using it in Afghanistan.


GUTFELD: I don't know who's using it. Fair point. I mean libraries here in New York, they're now just places for sleeping and porn. That's my experience anyway, but he could - he could have had a lot easier presidency by doing nothing.


TRUMP: I could have had a lot easier presidency by doing nothing, but I'm here. I want to do it right.


GUTFELD: Yes, so despite the noise, he seems fine, like he's gotten used to this sort of thing probably because he's used to this sort of thing. You've heard of sea legs -- that's a person's ability to keep their balance on a moving ship. Trump has Trump legs, the ability to keep calm while his critics are losing their [bleep].


JANE CURTIN, AMERICAN ACTRESS; My New Year's resolution is to make sure that the Republican Party dies.

JOY BEHAR, HOST, ABC: He lies right to their faces.

REP. HANK JOHNSON, D-GA.: Much like Hitler took over the Nazi Party, Trump has taken over the Republican Party.

REP. RASHIDA TLAIB, D-MICH.: When your son looks at you and says, "Mama, look you won. Bullies don't win," and I said, "Baby, they don't. Because we are going to go in there and we're going to impeach the [bleep]."


GUTFELD: She said [bleep] to her baby? I mean, no one has ever - no one has even talked about that. You know we bleeped it, but you know what she said. Animals are great.


GUTFELD: Animals are great. Animals are great. Animals are great.


GUTFELD: You know, screaming for impeachment is just an attention-seeking device for spotlight chasers. It's the Democrats version of getting a barbed wire tattoo on your bicep. Suddenly, I'm so edgy or what a 14-year-old thinks is badass, and so this year starts out as the last one ended, as the world rolls merrily on, Trump causes GTI or "Good Times Insanity." Peace and prosperity reduce shaken adults to shrinking dopes. They just can't stop and why not? Before Trump, they were nothing. Now, with Trump, they are almost something.

Oh they'll scream for indictments, impeachment and jail, but if Trump ever goes, they know they go, too, straight to the unemployment office which will be in a building probably owned by Trump.

Meanwhile, the debate over the wall continues. It's absurd especially when you look back at what the Dems have said about the topic in recent years.


HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I voted numerous times when I was a senator to spend money to build a barrier to try to prevent illegal immigrants from coming in.

BARACK OBAMA, FORMER PRESIDENT: We simply cannot allow people to pour into the United States undetected, undocumented, unchecked.


GUTFELD: I like that guy. He should be President. It's funny how different your views are when you're the party in power. Suddenly, you're the adult creating rules and laws, but then when you're out of power, you become the child. You throw tantrums and you deem borders as racist, right, Donny Deutsch?


DONNY DEUTSCH, HOST, CNBC: You have four white men, you have four stoic strong white men of a certain age, not smiling by the way and you know, look, this is all Donald has left. He has one thing - this wall is not a wall, it is a "let's keep America white again."


GUTFELD: Now, there's a wall. Donny Deutsch - he's as dumb as one. Look at that head, he puts the block in blockhead. Light him up, he'd make a perfect wall. Resistance - and so why this resistance to something they embraced before? Apparently, it's personal to the Dems, Trump isn't just pushing for the wall, he's suddenly become the wall and they can't see over it.

Maybe Trump needs to appeal to their feelings, not their brains, like this.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you ready for the most effective and most progressive infrastructure project this side of the Rio Grande? Then get ready for the all-new, least oppressive, racist-free, sexist-free wall of peace. This isn't your normal right-wing grandad's wall, it's the border wall you've always wanted. But without the systemic and pervasive inequality woven throughout social institutions.

How does it work? First it never speaks, so it's guaranteed to never mis-gender you or tell you, you shouldn't have majored in women's studies like your jerk of a dad does; and it's not a just ageist, sexist or racist because it keeps out everyone.

Plus, it won't be white or male, so there's no white male privilege. Hate guns, then you'll love the wall because guns can't get past the wall. It has no sexual orientation, but is open to all types of behavior. Isn't that right, Gus?

GUS: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The all new rebranded wall of America features a built-in Rosie O'Donnell to scare even the toughest cartel smugglers away.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This wall is so PC, it'll have Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer chanting ...

CROWD: Build that wall. Build that wall.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's the all-new least oppressive, racist-free, sexist-free wall of peace.


GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. She is so bright you'll see spots after she leaves, attorney, Emily Compagno. He's so wise, owls call him for advice. Country music legend and songwriter, Larry Gatlin. And she's always woke and likes to smoke --


GUTFELD: Well, you vape.

TIMPF: I do.

GUTFELD: Don't interrupt the introductions. "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf.

TIMPF: Fact check, fact check.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST, FOX NATION: Don't worry, Kat, don't worry, Kat. Mine's worse.

GUTFELD: When he snores his neighbors call 911, former WWE Superstar and my massive side taken host of "UnPC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus. All right ...

MURDOCH: Told you.

GUTFELD: 2019, Emily - the first week, it's crazy as the last week. What did you think? You think Romney is going to challenge Trump? Is this the beginning?

EMILY COMPAGNO, LEGAL ANALYST: I think he thinks it is, but it's not because most of us are just as tired of these small bouts of tantrums that we're seeing from the left and now all of a sudden, he's, you know, emerging from that table to now a position of what he deems as power and influence.

And so, he's wielding this little stick and then it's just - we're all going to forget it. Except the people around him aren't and that's who he's supposed to be collaborating with. I mean, I just feel like, yet 
again, it does a disservice to all of us whose taxpayer dollars pay their salaries and his salary in particular, to have all of these like grand standings and this show of force and anti-Trump and anti this and all these expletives or whatever.

How about you just do your job? Just do your job.



GUTFELD: You have stronger feelings about everything. Give me your strong appealing on this week. Your strong feeling, not appealing --

GATLIN: You want to try that again?

GUTFELD: No, I'm good.

GATLIN: My strong feeling about this week?


GATLIN: Well, you mentioned Mitt, I mean that's - your monologue, I mean, there's almost nothing in life that is more contemptible and insufferable than watching poor little rich kids masquerading as petulant children.

Since he was a child and his father lost presidential bid, you know, centuries ago, I think he has believed that he was entitled to this. When President Obama beat him, he has not gotten over this.

You know and of course, Hillary is the all-time world champion thumb sucker. A poor little rich kid, say that real quickly five times, so just to watch these people who have been so, you know, have had everything in life and they get their ass kicked once or twice and that's just think - you know ...

GUTFELD: And I do think, Kat, that it was choreographed. I mean this was as choreographed as a Broadway show, Kat. How's that for analogy?

TIMPF: Pretty good analogy, Greg.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

TIMPF: Yes, I think that it absolutely was and I don't think that Mitt Romney is alone in this. We see it a lot in other Republican Congressmen and especially on the Democratic side where it's become more about fighting than it is about finding any real solutions.

That's why I think that this has been going on so long, all this fighting because nobody really wants it to end. They just want to keep fighting because they're enjoying it, which I can understand because I've been in entire relationships like that.

GUTFELD: I saw this --

TIMPF: But no taxpayers were paying me money for me to be in this relationship, so that's what makes it different. I agree with Emily, they need to stop it and stop focusing on becoming stars and, "Oh I can get on TV or I'll be trending on Twitter for this," and focus on actually solving these problems.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Listen, Donald Trump - President Trump, excuse me, has made more millionaires in 2018, more people have gotten - more people have become famous by talking trash about the President. He makes more stars than anybody else.

I'm mad I never thought of that, this whole support thing. But Mitt is cashing in because we wouldn't be talking about him and this is a little word. It's not a noun. It's not a verb. It's just "Trump."

If you say it in a sentence, people pay attention, so instead of being just another senator, he's now his arch nemesis. He is now ...

So that's at least two or three weeks in the news, probably a book, so then another five will say, "Oh, I'll bet there's going to be Mitt dealing with the Trump monster tell-all." But that - it fails in comparison.

The one thing that President Trump has done, he has inspired so many people and he finally did something for me. He - my favorite word is now okay, [bleep]. I love that word, right? It's my item now. That's a verb. I use it all the time. If I don't know your name, I go, "What's that [bleep] name?" Now, I can say it. No, no, they brought it. Hey, she said it, so we can say it.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's okay now.

MURDOCH: Yes, sorry, Tom. Get the bleeps going [bleep] on, like I am so happy.

GUTFELD: That's three now.

MURDOCH: I am just saying. He should have a little clicker.

GUTFELD: I think that's four.

MURDOCH: Try it when you get home. Thank you, President Trump. Thank you, sir.

GUTFELD: It's true. He's turned everybody--

MURDOCH: He makes dreams come true, sorry.

GUTFELD: He's turned everybody into like a little restaurant that serves nothing but Trump because that's when they get paid. So they're all out there and they're with their hotdog stand and they're selling Trump burgers, right? And then --

MURDOCH: And we're buying.

GUTFELD: And people are buying. He truly is the product and they're selling it and he knows it, that's why it drives them crazy. Okay, coming up, Liz Warren is thinking of becoming President in 2020, and I'm thinking about joining the NBA.


GUTFELD: An Indian no more, she is ready to soar. Massachusetts senator, Elizabeth Warren aka chief full of bull, announced she's launching an exploratory committee and sadly, not for the North Pole. It just means she can begin raising money for her presidential campaign, which is probably why she got off the Instagram, kicked back with a cold one and talked to all the kids out there in TV land.


everybody who's joining this video. It's great to hear from you. Hold on 
a second, I'm going get me a beer. Hey, my husband Bruce is now in here. 
You want a beer?


E. WARREN: You sure? I can save one, so this is my sweetie.

B. WARREN: Hello.

E. WARREN: He's the best and I am crazy about him.

B. WARREN: I love you.

E. WARREN: I love you, too. Thank you for being here.

B. WARREN: My pleasure.

E. WARREN: I'm glad you're here.

B. WARREN: Enjoy your beer.


GUTFELD: Well, that was the opposite of comfortable. I like that part when he goes, "No, I'll pass on a beer for now." Her husband looked like he was searching for the cyanide capsule hidden under his tongue.

So once again, politicians go out of their way to show us how hard they must try to act like people and they never get any better at it. If only there was a place where they could get help.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You've seen it before, politicians and their awkward attempts to appear down-to-earth and relatable and it just comes off it's fake.

E. WARREN: Hold on a second, I'm going to get me a beer.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is she even human? It's almost impossible to tell.

TOM SHILLUE, HOST: Hi, I'm Bart Gilroy-Gilroy and I'm running for office. Just like Senator Warren, I'm a complete phony. I have no real emotions. I simply act normal, so you'll like me, but unlike Warren, I no longer suffer from FPS or fake person syndrome, and I owe it all to the politician school for phony liars trying to act human.

They showed me how to drink beer, like every other person on the planet who drinks beer. And they taught me how to field serious questions from voters.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Being the guys in the plant who lost our jobs and now I'm in danger of losing my house. What's your plan to create new jobs and why you smiling at me, you freak?

SHILLUE: And they really helped me nail my sports lingo. Thank you for your service. What branch of the military are you?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's a hockey jersey [bleep].

SHILLUE: Hockey is a sport.


SHILLUE: But the best part, they taught me how to laugh at the right things.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Dial it back, Mr. Gilroy-Gilroy. Too much.

SHILLUE: Thanks politician school for phony liars trying to act human.


GUTFELD: So Larry?


GUTFELD: Whether you like Trump or not, this explains why he resonated because he's real and he's not a politician. Because he is not a politician, he doesn't have to be an expert at being fake. It seems like politicians are trapped. They are like a bug lamp. They attract people who are nothing but these stiff facades, which he is not.

GATLIN: Well you know that deal about you can't fix stupid.


GATLIN: Well, you can't hide phony. It comes through. It reeks, it stinks. Let me tell you something, 35 years ago, I went to a place out in California kind of like Betty Ford, you know for drinking and booze and all that. If she gets elected, I'm going to go get me a fifth of Jack Daniels and I'm going to roll a doobie that looks like a javelin, you know, and I am just going to -- because that -- I mean, the people, those who don't learn from history will repeat it. The socialists, the people on the left, they somehow have the misguided opinion and idea that each one of you simply by being born that you are responsible for every bad decision and every bad break that everybody on the planet has ever had.

Whether they're coming from Honduras or what - you're responsible and you're supposed to take care of them. Well, I'm going to stand up as my daddy would say, on my hind legs and I'd say, hey that [bleep] stops here.

GUTFELD: All right, Kat, I think that that Liz Warren video kind of exposes her greatest blind spot, which is she's incapable of being anything, but someone else, right?

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: Like, first it was Native American and now it's Brett Kavanaugh.

TIMPF: Yes. I have a great idea for --

GUTFELD: Go ahead.

TIMPF: I have a great idea for a running mate. Rachel Dolezal.


TIMPF: Remember here? The black lady who or the white lady who pretended to be a black lady.


TIMPF: They can run together and it could be like you can't tell me I'm white 2020. I think that would be excellent.

GUTFELD: That's really good.

TIMPF: But no, that video was very uncomfortable to watch. She was trying so hard to be cool and it just really reminded me of how I used to behave in high school, you know and I would just walk around carrying a beer, but I wouldn't drink it because I was too scared because I was underage and I would go in the bathroom and dump it out and pretend that I was drinking. That's kind of what it reminded me of. We even had similar haircuts.

GUTFELD: Wow. Tyrus.

TIMPF: Yes, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Oh, men, I'm just - it just reminded me of the parents of every white girl I ever dated that first time we met. "Hello, hi. Get beer, I think they like beer." Keep them in the kitchen.

GUTFELD: Keep them in the kitchen.

MURDOCH: Like they were trying so hard, you know, like --

GUTFELD: Keep them in the kitchen.

MURDOCH: Honey, would you like a beer?

GUTFELD: I don't even know what that means, but it makes sense.

MURDOCH: Well, you never had a daughter to date a brother, so you would --

GUTFELD: I had a sister.

MURDOCH: But like that's what it reminded me of where they were just so nice and so awkward, look someone here has a daughter who dated a brother, like that first time, you know what I'm saying.

They're not racist, they just don't know what to do. Like, they don't want to say the wrong thing, so therefore they will say nothing right.

GUTFELD: Emily, her husband didn't seem too thrilled to be there. He seemed like he'd rather be in a bathtub full of moray eels.

COMPAGNO: Totally, that's what was also so funny about that video and so obvious how un-relatable they are and I love that he was just totally honest like, "No, I'm good. I don't want to be a part of this." Like I hate this and everything about this, no, thank you. I thought that was hilarious and super telling.

And I also find that it's so funny that I went to her exploratory committee website and you know, her whole phrase is "We're going to rebuild the middle class." I mean, she's selling buttons for - one button for $10.00 plus tax and shipping. The whole thing is such a farce, you know.

MURDOCH: They were wearing sweaters indoors, their own house. Like no one saw they all had zip ups like that.

GUTFELD: I do that.

COMPAGNO: It's a total 80s movie and I love like you said, I love that when justice cut then you know Judge Kavanaugh, then person Kavanaugh drinks the beer, it's literally like there is nothing worse in the world and then she can do it, "Like, oh, I'll have a beer." Ridiculous.

GUTFELD: Our next President. Anyway, a space baby. I repeat, space babies coming up. If you don't want to stick around for that, I can't help you.


ALICIA ACUNA, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Alicia Acuna. Police are searching for a gunman after a deadly shooting at a southern California bowling alley. Three people are 
dead and four injured. Witnesses say, it started as a fight between two groups. The sound of gunfire sent terrified customers running for safety. Three men died at the scene. Police are reviewing surveillance video to help track down the suspect.

The TSA is acknowledging an increase in sick calls by screeners. This, as the partial government shutdown stretches into its third week. Officials say the call-outs have had minimal impact and have not affected performance standards. Union leaders say the airport workers are calling out sick instead of working without pay. Call-outs at Dallas Fort Worth International have reportedly increased by two hundred to three hundred. I'm Alicia Acuna in Los Angeles.

GUTFELD: Destroying an asteroid to save humanity. The first zero gravity childbirth. Those stories in tonight's ...


GUTFELD: Yes, Spacey News. It's news that's spacey, as in taking place in outer space, not in Kevin Spacey. All right, first the war on asteroids. NASA has developed its first mission to defend the planet called the Double Asteroid Redirection Test or DART. It goes like this, DART will hit the smaller rock and that will impact, hopefully, will get to the larger rock which will get knocked off course, so it won't hit the earth. It's like shooting pool for nerds.

Meanwhile, in the Netherlands, which is home of the Nethers, a startup company called Space Life Origin wants to send a pregnant lady 250 miles above earth to give birth. Who wouldn't want to do that? In space, the woman would be accompanied by a world-class medical team.

The reason for this, just in case we ever have to leave the planet for good, we need to know how to reproduce in space. That's the excuse. For more, we go to Furball Bojangles as he trains for weightlessness.

Who need space, am I right, Furball Bojangles? I want to be with that cat. Kat, transition which mission in your opinion is more important? Playing pool with asteroids or giving birth in space?

TIMPF: The asteroids one. I can't handle this giving birth in space garbage. I do not know what's up with everyone who's giving birth now. They want to give birth in some super creative way. Like, "I had natural birth. I had a water birth. I gave birth to a giant bathtub full of Jello." Like why? Why are you doing that? What's wrong with the hospital? I don't understand.

GUTFELD: It's a lot of work.

TIMPF: I don't know if I ever have children, but I know that if I do, it will be on earth, in a hospital, with an epidural like a normal sane person.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Tyrus, at least in space, no one can hear the baby scream.

MURDOCH: Yes, but, you know space is uh, you're so creepy, man. Don't think that Nethers thing didn't get past this. You're creepy, man. Gravity is important.


MURDOCH: In childbirth. I've been late to both of my children's births because I don't want to see that. I don't want it floating around. I mean you're ducking placentas and afterbirth like -- what think about it? It's in outer space. It's not going to just lay on the table. It's all going to be around.


MURDOCH: And who is going to get the worst of that? The dumbass dude holding the hand just like - "No baby, you look ..." You know, like it's just - that's terrible. Like forget the other thing. If we're stuck in a spaceship because earth is - we can't live there anymore, the last thing any woman, I'm just guessing here, is going to get it on and have a baby.

They'll be like, "Yo, you find a planet with some air first, D. If you want all of this, find me some gravity and plants and some water and some oxygen and you can have all the booty you want, but until then, there ain't nothing going on in this spaceship."

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. Emily? It would be big on Fox News. That would get the most applause. You know, I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to laugh about the asteroid threat because it's happened before. I'd ask the dinosaurs, but they're not here because of an asteroid.

So it could only take - it only takes one big asteroid.

COMPAGNO: You're right and I loved that the whole plan mentioned only at the end, "Oh, we need to figure it out two, five, ten years in the future." So unlike the movie "Armageddon," it's not instant. We literally have to know years in advance, so I feel like this is a lot of effort towards something that is probably not going to happen.

And can I just say something on that that child-birth thing, but in that like official report, there literally was a sentence in there that was like and bodily fluids globbed together and glide towards the capsule, but the entire thing was like nauseating and I feel like there's a lot of steps that we need go through.

MURDOCH: Oh, there would be a lot of globs.

COMPAGNO: Yes, and but there's a lot of steps we need to do before focusing on the birth part, like you know ...

GUTFELD: It could be very messy, Larry. You know, I imagined being the first space baby though. Talk about owning the entire topic of intersectionality. I mean, identity politics, there's only one of you.

GATLIN: Thank you, Greg. I think there's only one of you, too. Well, my son - my grandson - Cash Colwell Gatlin was born in Dubai and Tracy, our daughter-in-law gave birth the water thing.

GUTFELD: Yes, the water thing.

GATLIN: Okay, and this child is the most cerebral cat you've ever seen. He only cries when he needs to poop, eat or sleep. Guess what? So do I.

GUTFELD: I think we should end on that note - and on a laugh, Larry.

GATLIN: It was a good laugh, thank you, laugh one more time.

GUTFELD: You know what? I am going to make a New Year's resolution, no more stories about childbirth. How much money would it take for you to quit Facebook for a year? Send it to me and we'll discuss it when we get back.


GUTFELD: Is it worth a thousand clams to tell Facebook to scram? A new study asked people how much it would take for them to give up Facebook for a year. The answer, about a thousand bucks, so let me get this straight, you'll put your whole life on there -- your opinions, your poems, pictures of your disgusting dinner, your annoying looking offspring and they are then you stalk ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, you post videos of cats, dogs and ferrets and then take a thousand bucks for you to give all that up?

I wish that were true. I'll tell you this though, if you offered me ten thousand bucks, I wouldn't stop doing this.

Now, $20,000.00, I'd think about it, but not for ten grand. I love doing that. Tyrus, what do you make - is this like - it's not that much money, but I guess it is.

MURDOCH: I think people will say anything. They probably figured they just came up with that round number or whatever. I don't use the Facebook app. I haven't used it for over two years so I'm out the game. No farmers - are they still doing the farmers thing? Anyone?

TIMPF: Farmville?

MURDOCH: Boom, she's still on it. What I am saying is like the people will say they'll take money, but they would take the money then they would be back on it. You didn't say I couldn't use my fake account. You know I'm saying like people are so addicted to likes and the fake friendships and stuff like that. They don't know what - they wouldn't know what to do without it.

You know, like, I don't think a thousand dollars - they would they would break the rule. They'd take the thousand dollars so they could buy more likes on Instagram. They will just switch. They go from Facebook to Instagram, and then, oh, I'll take another thousand to get off Instagram, then they go to Twitter. Then they would bring back MySpace.

Like they would just keep jumping from different stuff because it's such an addiction. They just need that attention.

GUTFELD: Kat, is a thousand dollars - would you do that for a thousand dollars?

TIMPF: No way. My high school ex-boyfriend is getting married this year and like how else would I get my hands on those wedding photos and how would I see how much weight that my other high school ex-boyfriend keeps gaining? How will I see if my middle school ex-boyfriend has a boyfriend yet? He does like men, we have that in common.

GUTFELD: That's good.

TIMPF: But no, being an ex-boyfriend detective is like my favorite career.

GUTFELD: That's what this is all about. This is what Facebook is about, Larry, people looking at their past and wondering what if or am I better than that person in terms of like what has happened in my life.

GATLIN: Well you know, if they looked at Justice Kavanaugh at his yearbook, if they looked at my yearbook, it would just be sleepy time down south, you know what I'm saying?

I do not know how to get - do you log into? What do you do? Well, I do not know how to do.

GUTFELD: The first is a computer.

GATLIN: Well I have - a computer, I do not have one.

GUTFELD: And then you have to - you have to - that's where I start, anyway and you open it up and you press a button and some things pop up, but you need to get the internet. You know what the internet is?

GATLIN: Eight ninety five a month.

GUTFELD: It's in the sky floating around you.

MURDOCH: It's like a cloud.

GUTFELD: It's like a cloud and then they connect you to other people.

GATLIN: Through the cloud?

GUTFELD: Through the cloud.

GATLIN: Really?


GATLIN: Did you smoke a javelin-size doobie before you got on? No, look, let me tell what I do.

GUTFELD: I'm thinking about it.

GATLIN: Let me tell you what I do. I am honest about this, you know, our little career, we've had a wonderful career. Here's what I do. I don't have many moments of you know like this, but because nice people buy our records and come to our shows, I get to go to some places they don't get to go.

I mean that. So I'll do a selfie, you know like I'm walking along, "Hey, there's a big iron thing, oh it's the Eiffel Tower." A lot of you folks in Mid-America, you know, flyover country, won't get to go. You've been nice to me. I get to go. That's what I'm doing, and I'm serious. I will tell --

GUTFELD: You'll never see this.

GATLIN: No, but I send that I send that to my assistant. She logs on to the cloud ...

GUTFELD: And then she --

MURDOCH: Right, right.

GATLIN: And then people see it and I and that's what happened.

GUTFELD: That's beautiful, a beautiful story, I'm sure. Emily, would you take the money?

COMPAGNO: I've never had Facebook.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow. Good for you.

COMPAGNO: Ever, ever. So I will say on the reverse, you couldn't pay me like I would - I would accept no amount to create a Facebook, but also what I thought was funny about that study is that it said that like all these people swore off Facebook when everything happened and all the data was like disseminated and then - but the numbers proved otherwise.

So basically everyone was saying that they were like, "I'm done with this," but no one really was.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's hard to give up something that you just take for granted and I think that's what it is. All right, we've got to go because we have so much more to come. Flaming dog crap on the porch. Is it a classic prank or is it arson? It's a debate you won't see on "Special Report." This is a great story.


GUTFELD: Willie served time in the tank for the world's oldest prank. Police and firefighters in Shippensburg, Pennsylvania responded to a report on Christmas Eve that quote "a bag of dog poop was lit on fire on a porch." The bag was quickly extinguished. No damage done. No one got hurt. The poop was safe.

A brief investigation led police to their suspect, 18-year old Dylan Prince -- look at that hair -- who according to the police report confessed he was charged with two felony counts arson and risking catastrophe and was released on $20,000.00 bail. Flaming dog poop on the porch. That's the subject of tonight's --


GUTFELD: Yes, this is a new segment in which we devote three hours of live discussion on whether or not excrement set on fire constitutes arson. So Emily, you are the lawyer here is this or is this not arson?

COMPAGNO: Okay, I just have to tell you guys that Pennsylvania takes arson so seriously. They literally in their state laws, they have six different categories -- different -- of classes of arson, and one of them is 
literally - it's basically like if you think about letting something on fire and you think about putting it somewhere where someone may or may not be, that's arson.

Like they just take it so seriously, so it makes sense to me that he was charged, but I will say that it is the oldest prank on the planet. I mean, remember "Can't Buy Me Love." Imagine if that had turned out with an arrest.

GUTFELD: Yes, it would have changed the whole plot, Larry. Is this arson or not?

GATLIN: Well, I don't know. I went to law school for six months, so I don't - I don't know whether it's arson or not. But inherent in the whole situation is, see at some point in time, Dylan Loser, her whatever his name is had to actually pick up a dog turd, okay, and place it in a bag you know, so if I were going to do that, I think, the thousand dollars I'd saved on Facebook, I'd pay somebody to do it for me.

I just can't imagine anybody being so mad that they would pick up a dog turd --

GUTFELD: Put in a bag.

GATLIN: And put in a bag and then light it. I'm sorry.

GUTFELD: I don't know, I think it's strange, Kat. I think the bigger crime is his hair, right?


GATLIN: It looked like a dog turd.

MURDOCH: Man bun.

GUTFELD: It was a dork knot.

MURDOCH: Dork knot, #dorkknot.

COMPAGNO: No, I like man buns.

GUTFELD: Oh stop it, Emily, you don't like man buns. Kat? Is it arson or not?

TIMPF: No, because this is my reasoning. I did not go to law school, but I do watch a lot of Adam Sandler movies, and this happened in "Billy Madison," and "Billy Madison" is not an arsonist, okay.

GUTFELD: I agree.

TIMPF: I shouldn't bring this argument to a court of law, if this young man is looking for an attorney, then feel free to reach out to me. I will provide services.

GUTFELD: Tell me you are not attracted to him.

TIMPF: I'm not attracted to him.

GUTFELD: There you go. Checking. We never know.

TIMPF: Actually, I'm really proud of myself that I'm not, but like what next is arson like -- one thing that I think could be arson though is those trick candles on the birthday cake.

GUTFELD: I agree.

TIMPF: That should be arson because that is non-consensual fire.

GUTFELD: That is so true. That is so true. I don't think it's arson, Tyrus, because you're burning something of no value.

MURDOCH: Well --

TIMPF: That depends on who you talk to, really. GUTFELD: Yes.

GATLIN: There are some people that enjoy it.

MURDOCH: I didn't go to law school, but I did go to school of hard knocks and that was - here's the thing they're missing, the investigators, maybe they could further along the search. The idea is when you like the little bag on fire, the person comes out, puts it out.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

MURDOCH: So if anyone is at fault, if the dumbass who went, "This bags is on fire. Let me download what to do."

COMPAGNO: Wait, in Pennsylvania, you get charged if you don't call 911.

MURDOCH: "Oh, look it says YouTube." Oh, and then because the world we live in now, where if you walk in a park, they'll call the police on you so they literally called the police and the fire department.

So let me just see if I can figure it - paint this scene for you guys. There's a small bag of burning dog crap and a firefighter and a police officer had to come in and go, "How are we going to handle this?" "Oh I've got it." And somebody put it out and then the guy stood up on the bush, "Got you." And that's how they got him, literally it's a prank.

COMPAGNO: You guys, that's why they had to worry. Tyrus, that's one of the categories, if you don't report it, then you can also be charged with a category of the same thing.

MURDOCH: What city is this again?

COMPAGNO: Shippensburg.

MURDOCH: My black ass is never going there, ever.

GUTFELD: All right, so. I have to commend Emily for bringing the law to this. I didn't know a lot about this, and maybe it is arson. Uh ...

COMPAGNO: Depends on his defense attorney.

GUTFELD: Exactly. If it happens in my porch, it's definitely arson, but if I do it, it's not arson. "Final Thoughts," next.


GUTFELD: Before we go, "The Gutfeld Monologues" is live coming to Florida, two shows; Saturday, March 2nd in Tampa; Sunday, March 3rd in West Palm Beach. Special guest, Tom Shillue. Tickets for both shows are on sale now. Go to for ticket information.

All right, we're out of time. Thanks to Emily Compagno, Larry Gatlin, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, Studio Audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America. 
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