Why Would Big Brothers Reject Bill?

And now, a story that's rocked New York City: Bill Schulz, everyone's ideal big brother, has been rejected by the Big Brothers and Big Sisters program with no reason given. Bill has contacted a rep to come on the show, but no reply.

So, why did they reject Bill? Was it because he's a single man with no kids and busy hands? That can't be, that's the ideal big brother, I'd think.

Was it because he may be a shape-shifting time traveler and possibly involved in a triple homicide back in the 1400s? Maybe. Or was it your basic, run of the mill homophobia? Good question.

Fact is, the reason why Bill was rejected was that he works at FOX News, at "Red Eye." Clearly, Big Brothers did their background check and found out what Bill does every night and it disgusted them.

I supposed they should be. After all, he is disgusting. Just look at him. But is it fair to reject him?

Right now there's a dearth of Big Brothers and Bill loves nothing more than to go to ball games and see movies designed specifically for 12-year-olds.

So I must ask: Is this Big Brother Program guilty of bias or do they know something about Bill that we don't?

Until Big Brothers respond with a definitive answer, I prefer to think it's because Bill Schulz touches teens.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com