So I was reading the Economist — ha, just kidding, I am barely literate. Actually someone read it to me and told me how American smoking bans have actually killed people.

How so? Well, researchers think smokers are driving farther to places where smoking is allowed — like places with outdoor seating or my intricate system of tunnels near the overpass. And all that somehow leads to more drunk driving and death. To which I add: Phooey!

I read of a far more intriguing theory: That smoking bans make restaurants more attractive to nonsmoking shut-ins — smarmy geeks who can't handle their booze, much less conversation. Finally, they take off their drawstring sweatpants, shave their pimply backs and hit the town, where they get drunk and kill people. See, it's the callous and unthinking nonsmokers who are to blame — those stupid, fat nonsmoking jerks.

Look, I've always hated the smoking ban. I think the health threats from passive smoking are fabricated and books have been written on the faulty data behind the research. Plus, smoking on the street blows: As a worldwide celebrity it's hard to puff when you're constantly kissed and hugged by adoring fans.

It's all just a scam to legislate behavior that people don't like and has nothing to do with science.

Fact is, if you let smokers smoke only smokers die. That's it. Everyone else is fine — which is a shame, because I'd really like to take a few vegetarians with me.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com