So "Red Eye's biggest fan club, GLAAD is back.
On their Web site, the gay and lesbian group posted an item about my Greg-alogue on the U.N. GLAAD is un-glad because I said that the U.N. would "learn more in two days ducking for cover in Liberia, than two weeks trying to pick up transvestite hookers in Times Square."
Apparently GLAAD thinks the phrase "transvestite hookers" is offensive and they've asked their members to e-mail me to complain, which they have in huge numbers.
That's right, only five people wrote me, and two were actually on my side.
One wrote in to say, "I am a new fan of your show. I'm really disappointed that GLAAD is spending time on this matter. Don't cave in!"
Thanks, Bill, for that letter.
BILL: No problem.
GREG: Uh, anyway. But —
GREG: somehow I — Shut up.
But still I feel I should apologize. Not for using the phrase "transvestite hookers," but for assuming that transvestite hookers would actually lower themselves to sleeping with members of the U.N.
Seriously, even transvestite hookers have standards.
But apparently GLAAD does not, or they wouldn't be devoting so much time on me. I mean, come on GLAAD, if you haven't figured it out yet, I kind of love the attention. I mean, thanks to this letter writing campaign, I've made new friends. We're antiquing on Sunday. After brunch, of course, with strawberry mimosas!
Anyway, we've asked GLAAD to be on "Red Eye" a couple of times, but they always say no. Perhaps they know "Red Eye" is the most gay-friendly show on television (that includes "Orange County Choppers"), and showing up would only force them to abandon their lame campaign.
But I promise GLAAD, if you ever grow a pair and do "Red Eye", I will never use the phrase "transvestite hookers" again.
Instead I'll just say tranny-ho.
That's a good word, tranny-ho.
BILL-A-BUSTER: You know, not to be outdone but I too got an angry e-mail from some alternative lifestyler last night. It's from HOGS or the Hairy, Obese and Gay Society.
Subject header: You Suck!
Dear Mr. Schultz,
On Monday's "Red Eye" you claimed the bear market was a place where large, hairsuit men could be bought into slavery.
HOGS demands you apologize or we'll be forced to boycott your program. I'm so not even kidding right now.
CEO and President Alec Baldwin
GREG: Really? Alec Baldwin?
BILL: Alec Baldwin. I was surprised at first as well. He's been divorced for a while, Greg.
GREG: I had no idea.
BILL: A. Totally sorry and B. Call me. Schultzcrest out.