Why is Congress Voting on a Sex Study?

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Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly.  Thanks for watching us tonight.

Fighting in Iraq... controversy over WMDs... porous borders [Between the United States, Canada and Mexico] But what is Congress voting on?  Sex.  That's the subject of this evening's Talking Points Memo.

The Department of Health and Human Services wants to spend $1.5 million on a sex study.  And yesterday, the House voted 212 to 210 to allow the funding.  Are you ready?

The study will focus on why people take sexual risks, the sex habits of older men, Asian prostitutes in San Francisco, and gay Indians.  I'm not kidding.  This is how our government is spending tax money when we have a record deficit.

Now Talking Points will answer these questions for a mere $750,000, saving the taxpayer the same amount.

Number one, why do people take sexual risks?  Answer, because they're bored, self-destructive, stupid, or all of the above.

Number two, do older men experience a decline in sexual behavior and why?  Answer -- yes, they do, because men reach their sexual peak at 19.  So when they are 89, the peak gets a little cloudy, if you get my drift.

Number three, what happens in San Francisco when Asian women sell their bodies?  Answer, the same thing that happens everywhere else.  Money changes hands, STDs are spread, lives are ruined.

Number four, how should we view gay Native-Americans? Answer -- the same way we view every other gay person, as an individual.  Come on.  This is just dumb.

Do we really want to know about Tonto and the Lone Ranger? Is that what our tax dollars are for?  I mean, just picture Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison sitting around saying, you know, we really should have a federal study of those gay Indians.  That would really strengthen the republic.  Let's get that agency up and running right away.

One hundred sixty-five Democrats, 46 Republicans and one independent voted to use your money to study this dopey stuff.  And if you multiply that stupidity by 1,000, you know why both the deficit and taxes are out of control.

HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson's (search) a good man, but this $1.5 million is pure pork.  We don't need the Feds studying niche sexuality.  If they want to do that, bring in Gary Condit (search).  Talking Points is shocked and awed that Congress has okayed this sex study and is expecting a check for $750,000 in the near future.

Now, that's The Memo.

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