What Exactly Qualifies as a Fact-Finding Mission?

On Wednesday I read that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi helped get Democratic Rep. Tammy Baldwin's domestic partner on a military flight for a fact-finding trip. Apparently, the Pentagon isn't crazy about flying gay partners, but the speaker won out and the lesbian couple headed to Europe — which, as you know, has no embargo on lesbians.

This chaps my cranberry.

First, why is a lesbian partner needed to go on a fact-finding trip? Were they doing research on flannel? I kid, but seriously, why should any partner go at all? This is our tax money. I don't care if you're gay, straight or banging a pomegranate — well, especially if you're banging a pomegranate — you're not taking it with you.

Now, some say spouses are necessary for protocol purposes. But I say phooey with a capital "PH."

If I'm not allowed to have my personal trainer, Julio, here with me during the show — and I've asked, believe me — then no politician should be able to head to the Bahamas to get coconut colonics with their shag-mate. It's not fair, or even hygienic.

And what is a "fact-finding mission" anyway? In my mind, it's code for getting seduced by under-aged belly dancers in Morocco. It's a disguise for free meals, a little whoring and maybe a spanking.

I'm sorry, but I am not paying for some dopes to lie in a heart-shaped tub, licking rose petals off their naked backs. That's what Strom and I did back in the '90s — but that was on our dime, and frankly that's none of your damn business.

And now I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com