In Australia — which is a country — a swim coach is staging a symbolic protest against what she calls the "sanitization" of kids' sports, by holding a "swimming carnival."

Now, I have no idea how she's getting the Ferris wheel into the pool, but Julie Stevens says that while competition often puts pressure on children, the kids actually crave the stress. The 300 tykes that have signed up for the races love the opportunity to shine before their peers and parents.

Of course, Stevens admits this is unpopular with folks concerned with children's self-esteem, but most of those folks are idiots.

We've learned that removing objective measures for achievement does nothing but create what I call "success socialism," where it becomes pointless to build character when there's nowhere to express it.

Competitive sports help you shape the kind of adult you're going to become. Me? I sucked at most sports, but I played them because it taught me a key lesson: I sucked at most sports.

True, because of this my teammates despised me. I couldn't make a free throw, hit a fastball or spike a volleyball. But I made up for it by playing nude.

Most importantly, my feelings were not spared just because mold could outrun me. Fact is, my failures in sport steered me into areas where I could excel and did. Of course I am talking about "kaxidemy" — taxidermy, but with cats.

Stop by my trailer after work. Ignore the flies.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com