Track Your Friends, Enemies With Google

So Google is releasing free software that helps people keep track of each other via their cell phones.

The devices use GPS systems along with something called "cell tower triangulation" — which will help parents keep track of their stupid kids, as well as monitoring whether your husband is really at work or to make sure you're girlfriend isn't banging a cameraman from the "Glenn Beck" show (sorry Bill).

Look, this idea that everyone needs to know exactly where you are at any given time, makes me want to throw up through my eyeballs and cry through my mouth. You've seen it in restaurants, where a person walks in — on the phone — seeking directions to the exact table, as though he might take a wrong turn somewhere between the door and the bar. He would have made a great pioneer.

Now I freely admit that all of this new technology is pretty awesome, but it makes me long for the days when you could disappear and no one could find you. I once drove cross country in a crappy car, with nothing but a few hundred bucks, three pairs of undies and some pliers. I made it in one piece and never called anyone for help.

Even better, because there were no cell phones back then in the '80s, folks could go missing for days before people noticed.

It was a boon for me, but it sucked for the hitchhikers.

And if you disagree with it, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com