The Haves, the Have Nots and the Were Nots

So last week we reported on a stinky poll by an organization called, naturally, Pew.

It claimed that more of the public than ever believes America is split evenly into two economic groups: the "haves" and the "have-nots."

I think this is crap.

The idea that half of us think were deprived says more about spiritual emptiness than it does about any financial gap.

Let me explain: If you're watching "Red Eye" — and you know you are — you're already a "have". First off, you have a TV. Plus, you have cable. In fact, you've got the ultimate "have" — which is life itself.

That's not to say there are no "have nots." Most of us know "have nots." We call them dead people.

But at least dead "have nots" had something. Not like the victims of ejaculation. At 3.5 billion ejaculations daily, multiplied by 100 million sperm, you've got 812 trillion no-shows every day — all ending up in condoms, socks and George Michael.

So I feel pretty lucky.

But what about the "have nots" who actually won the lottery, made it all the way to the egg and then got their ticket invalidated? Since 1973, 46 million unlucky winners never got as far as a dumpster behind Planned Parenthood.

So, how would a fetus respond to this new research? No comment, probably.

Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com