Showers at Staples? Say It Ain't So

To become more eco-friendly, Staples is going green — meaning they'll be recycling more, preserving resources and, get this: installing showers, as an incentive to get employees to cycle to work.

This makes me vomit.

First, how can Staples go green? You're called Staples. You sell paper. Companies go green only to make themselves look better — because none of this crap has any real impact. But installing showers so folks can bike to work? Crap. Your fellow employees do not need to see you in fluorescent Lycra bicycle shorts with butt pads.

It's almost as gross as Eduardo Ramos, who was found naked in a truck in Texas, with a dog. If the DNA results show proof Ramos had screwed the pooch, he will face animal cruelty charges. But, according to the veterinarian treating the dog, the animal was very friendly and "took to people right away."

So, it sounds like the bitch was asking for it.

But, hey, I am against animal cruelty of any kind, unless it's directed toward humans. Take Jessica Alba. In a recent interview she says she's "super dorky," the kind of girl who likes science.

Garbage.

Why do hot girls always try to play down their hotness and play up their "dorkiness?" Isn't it enough that you're physically flawless? Just admit that you're hot and be hot.

Look, I've been discriminated against and even attacked, because of my good looks. But do you see me complaining? No. It's a little thing called "grace," Jessica. Look into it.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com