If you're like me, you know children are evil. They're thieving, selfish creatures who delight in smearing mucous on your belongings.

So naturally you'd think I'd support President Obama's plan for longer school days and shorter summer vacations. After all, that means fewer brats out there, defacing my tree fort made from discarded copies of Oui.

But, oh contraire! (Which is French.) I think Obama is off base, for three reasons:

First: When something blows, ordering more of it doesn't help. Fact is, we don't need more schooling, we need better schools. Sadly, teachers unions have created a lock on jobs for even the most moronically incompetent and the only way for a teacher to lose a job these days is if she gives one to a student.

Worse, sending kids back for three more hours of daily schooling in places like Chicago or Baltimore is like an academic version of stop-loss. They learn more about running for their lives than reading for enjoyment.

And really, Obama's reasoning has nothing to do with being competitive. We've already learned from his United Nations speech that Obama finds winning distasteful. No, this idea comes from his own opinions about America: That when compared to a far more sophisticated Europe, we're all just hicks from the sticks who think Belgium is a name for one of those fruity, overpriced beers — which, as you know, is true.

Finally, I can't help but think that President Obama wants kids to stay in school longer so they can learn more cool songs to sing... about Obama.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

And if you disagree with me, you're probably a racist.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com