Reality Check: Holly Plays 'Matchmaker' on 'The Hills'

It hasn’t even been a full episode since Lauren Conrad cut Stephanie Pratt out of her posse on “The Hills,” and already the Montag sisters are gunning for the open spot.

The game plan is obviously to get Holly in first, then big sis can wiggle some extra room in there for little Heidi to reclaim her spot, as well. Lauren, however, is on to them, telling Lo she has a feeling Holly’s trying to play “matchmaker” between her and her sister.

I'm not sure she expected how far Holly would take her new role as cupid though, actually encouraging Heidi to leave a letter in Lauren’s mailbox in a move that seems about as third grade as Lauren’s “homework.” Is it so hard to just ring her doorbell and, I don’t know, SPEAK to her? Heidi might as well just ask Stephanie to pass Lauren the note in class.

In keeping with the third grade theme, Lauren of course takes said confidential letter and brings it right over to Whitney for her to share with the rest of the class:

"Lauren, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything,” she reads. “I am so sorry for any negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person, and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things hadn't turned out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me. Sincerely, Heidi Montag."

Think Holly should have stuck to shooting arrows.

For starters, who signs their last name in a letter like this? Were they afraid Lauren might think it was from her other ex-best friend named Heidi to whom she no longer speaks?

That aside, this could be the lamest letter ever written. Considering we all know this is all about Heidi’s boyfriend Spencer Pratt spreading a sex-tape rumor about Lauren, you’d think maybe she’d start by apologizing for that instead of all these other vague things that either never happened or no one cares about.

Also, when trying to win back someone’s friendship, it’s usually a good idea to, um ... ask for their friendship back. Lauren didn’t even get an “I miss you” here.

Most importantly, Heidi might want to try to writing the letter herself. The whole thing sounded like something some production assistant jotted on a napkin right before they filmed this scene. I’m guessing that’s because it probably was … because Spencer ate the real draft.

That explains why he was so surprised to hear Holly and Heidi later discussing the letter, and why Heidi was a bit off on her recap of its contents. That assistant should have really given her a better summary.

Regardless, the letter didn’t win Lauren’s heart, but it did get her to reiterate that Spencer’s the real problem, leading Holly to report that if Heidi ditches Spencer, she and Lauren can be friends.

Again, I think shooting arrows — directly at Spencer — would be more effective here, but it does seem that the game of telephone is slowly working as Heidi seems a little less confident about her choice to stand by her man through all this (and the weird facial hair phase he’s going through.)

Hopefully Heidi’s potential split from Spencer is more successful than Audrina’s attempt to trap JustinBobby into a relationship. The whole thing’s kind of funny considering “The Hills” has labeled him her “boyfriend” for quite sometime now, but Audrina has now proved that’s about as real as most of the other things on the show by going on a date with Collin.

From the second he showed up with out any bugs in his hair we knew he wasn’t her type, but he still could have made for a pretty good jealousy trap if a.) it wasn’t so obvious that that’s what she was going for when telling Justin about the date and b.) if Justin gave a rat's behind about Audrina. Needless to say, the plan fails and Justin gives no indication of wanting to be exclusive with Audrina. But he does ask if he can tattoo her butt. So she’s got that going for her.

Next week, she’ll try taking her top off, which is sure to have the same effect and as Justin and Spencer continue to find new ways to manipulate their not-so-bright girlfriends (or non-girlfriends), the girls will continue to find new ways to try to pry the couples apart.

I propose they solve everyone’s problems and get Spencer and Justin together. I mean the two have way more in common with each other than they do with the girls they’re dating, and when they run out of talking points, they can always exchange tips on how they manage to grow in those I-just-hit-puberty-beards they both rock. There’s a worthy mission for ya, Holly, but leave the love letters at home.