Reality Check: Be Careful What You Wish for on 'The Hills'

How quickly we forget the dumb things we ask for, and by dumb things I mean “hall passes” and by “we” I mean JustinBobby on “The Hills.”

After clearly stating (with middle school metaphors) his plans to hook up with other girls while on a trip with non-girlfriend Audrina Patridge, our favorite dbag throws a temper tantrum upon learning that the girl he refuses to be exclusive with … hasn’t been dating him exclusively.

Why Justin is mad is beyond me, but why his fake friends felt the need to tell him about Audrina’s new beau during Brody Jenner’s bday weekend is just as big of a mystery. What kind of guys celebrates their “homie’s” birthday by standing around in a pool gossiping about their girl friends’ love lives? What are they going to do next year, braid each other’s hair? (Not that they’ll have to wait that long because is it me or does Brody’s birthday somehow come around about every three months?).

The middle school theme continues as JBob, surrounded by “sleazies” who want to make out with him chooses instead to steal Audrina’s ponytail holder. And while Audrina’s really mad that she no longer has the flowery hair elastic, I’m more concerned at why both of her men are so into it — Justin enough to steal it and Cory Bohan enough to give it to her in the first place. What was it, a one-week anniversary present? Was there a note attached, asking her to go steady?

It’s not long before Audrina realizes that, especially considering they’re on a tropical island, her dumb hair-flower is replaceable. Hopefully she’ll soon realize the same is true for Justin, though it may be tough to find another guy she can borrow cut-off jean shorts from. (In case you missed them the first time: Click here to see the JustinBobby ‘jorts’ scene).

Still, if the producers of this show can find She-Pratt a suitor, they can find Audrina an army of them. And make no mistake about it, Stephanie’s is definitely a show-created romance.

For starters. I swear I’ve seen this Cameron guy before, and not just because he looks like a hobbit from “Lord of the Rings.” Is he the same guy who dated Whitney in New York? Maybe a former Laguna Beach fling? Either way I’m convinced they’ve recycled him from somewhere; this was hardly some guy Stephanie just happened to befriend in, say, her fake computer class.

The fact that Frodo used to be friends Brody just reinforces that point. How is it that of all the guys in L.A. Stephanie can’t seem to find one that isn’t somehow tied to the “Prince of Malibu?” Judging by how desperate Brody is for new friends lately (Doug, JustinBobby) I can’t imagine he’s really that popular.

I also can’t imagine that Stephanie, unless she was hoping for a breakup, would ever risk introduce her horrendous brother to anyone who wasn’t somehow contractually bound to her. Not even for the discount drag queen Heidi Montag probably gets her at that makeup store.

No sooner do they show up for the double-date-from-hell than Spencer starts complaining. And despite his promise to get "friendlier with food" in his stomach, even getting his meal 20 minutes before the rest of the table doesn’t prevent him making things super awkward. But it’s actually Heidi who gets the prize for the best grilling of the day, interrupting Cameron’s conversation about how Stephanie makes him laugh to ask the “very important” question, “Have you met Brody and them?”

She could have asked him anything: “How did you two meet?” “What’s your take on the election?” “How long was the trip from the shire to L.A.?” and yet, she wants to know about “Brody and them?” If I were Stephanie I would have wiped her eyebrows off in rage.

But kudos to She-Pratt for keeping her composure. She opts instead to confront her brother the next day at the random staircase where he apparently works out (gym memberships a little too steep for ya Spence?) to ask that he be nicer to her. The Godfather and his flesh-colored beard demand her loyalty in return, and Stephanie already seems to regret her request.

Considering pledging loyalty to Spencer means not talking to anyone he doesn’t get along with, Stephanie’s basically just committed to hanging out with no one but him and Heidi. Might be time to ask for a hall pass.