On Obama and Ice Cream

So Ben & Jerry's founders have endorsed Barack Obama for president. The hippie millionaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change — just like heart-stopping ice cream.

But as always, whenever you ask anyone what this change really is, you get nothing. Why? Maybe because if we get into specifics, Obama's support will melt like a bowl of Chubby Hubby in the noonday sun.

This stupid endorsement actually illustrates the problem with change: Change means nothing if it's not defined as either good or bad.

For example, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has definitely changed our country... by making us all fatter and unhealthier. Just by looking at a pint of Phish Food, you'll need a coronary stent and possibly a gastric bypass. I should know. I ate a tub for breakfast and I went from a size 33 to a 36 waist. But is that good change? My houseboys would say no — or just gently weep under the strain of my immense weight.

Finally, I wonder if Obama would happily accept a similar endorsement from a gun manufacturer or a tobacco company. Frankly speaking, Ben and Jerry's ice cream is simply the dairy equivalent of an Uzi — except stickier.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Cherry Garcia.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com