So I watched Obama's infomercial and forgive me if, unlike Chris Mathews, I didn't soak my Depends.

As I watched, all I could be was... confused.

Obama produced what can only be described as bizarro-propaganda: A dour documentary designed to undermine an Eastern Bloc country circa 1974. Ten minutes into the thing, I was expecting a bunch of fat babushkas in headscarves fighting over the last loaf of stale bread. Out of fear, I actually boiled and ate a neighbor's dog.

This was a view of our country seen, grimly, from the outside looking in: A place where everyone is sick, poor or sickly poor. I call it "Hugo porn" — the kind of stuff that gives Chavez a chubby.

It's as if the most successful and selfless country in the history of the world never existed. Instead, we have East Germany without the lederhosen or the sausage.

But I guess, in order to sell himself, Barack has to sell the rest of the country short.

When it was over, however, I felt like I always do after ingesting a hard sell: Convinced I was being sold something I didn't need. To me, Obama's gleaming valentine to himself succeeded in only reminding me of the Soloflex in the garage: Once shiny and new, it's now covered in my soiled shorts.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com