So if the Democrats win it all this year, you can bet the first thing they're going to do is gloat.

Then, of course, they're going to get high and bang hookers.

Then, finally, they will try to resuscitate the corpse that is the Fairness Doctrine.

If you don't know what this is, it's a creepy ploy to "balance" talk radio — meaning creating regulation to offset Rush Limbaugh with an opposing loudmouth. Think Jeanine Garofalo (without throwing up).

The Fairness Doctrine illustrates a key truth about lefty thinking: no one actually likes it. The fact that you'd need the government to force radio stations to broadcast this crap is proof that society has no need for it.

For an example of how successful liberal chat radio is on its own, see Air America. It was to radio broadcasting what crabs are to spring break.

Even more, the Fairness Doctrine reveals a scurvy of insecurity that riddles the left. It's not enough for them to control nearly every media entity on the planet — including movies, television and off-Broadway one-woman shows — they must get their paws all over this too.

If the Fairness Doctrine happens, most likely talk radio would go bankrupt supporting liberal shows they'd be forced to run. And that's the left's real strategy: It's not about giving Randi Rhodes another outlet to ramble incoherently. It's about eliminating dissent.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, will die!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com