No Friends? No Crimes

So this week the FBI reported that hate crimes have gone up 8 percent. Some say that's a shame, but I say it's a sham. Here's why:

Laws against hate crimes punish people who kill you out of hate, which means that people who kill you out of love get a softer sentence. And that can't be good, especially if you're really popular.

Example: If I were to kill "Police Academy" star Steve Guttenberg because of my unsettling obsession with him, I would garner a lesser sentence than if I were to murder Josh Groban, who I detest. This hate crime law creates incentive for unbalanced minds like me to kill people we love. This can't be good news for Guttenberg.

Even more, nearly all the victims of murder know the perpetrator. And this forces me to draw this conclusion: The fewer people you know, the less likely you'll be killed. Meaning, no friends — no crimes.

And so, this is why I pull a Grandpa Joe — named after the character in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." I stay at home most of the time, usually in bed, eating bacon sandwiches and abusing a bed pan. I suggest you do the same.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com