Naked Muddy Woman Makes a Lousy Lawn Ornament

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There was nothing out of the ordinary about Cecil and Denise Allred’s Sunday evening … besides the naked muddy woman in their yard who wouldn’t leave.

The Allreds, who live in Moon Lake, Fla., had just returned home from KFC when Cecil stepped out front to feed scraps to the cats and saw a body lying in the mud in the fetal position with its pants around its ankles, the St. Petersburg Times reports.

Fearing the figure was a lifeless body, he told his wife to call the sheriff.

As fate would have it, that body — which belonged to Jacquilin Leeper, a nearby resident — was very much alive, very full of drink and completely convinced that she was at her own home.

"I wasn't about to touch the lady," Allred said. "I guess she was going to the restroom, I don’t know.”

When Leeper informed him that she lived there, he told her she was mistaken and she needed to leave. But leaving was not on her agenda.

While the Allreds waited for police, Leeper managed to pull up her britches and beat on the front door.

"We were just laughing, mostly," Cecil Allred said.

When the deputy arrived on the scene, he made several attempts to offer Leeper a ride home, but after she took a swing at him, he kindly offered her a ride to jail.

"The last thing you expect," Denise Allred said, "is to go out your door, go to the side of your house and find a naked woman."

Getting Jiggy With It ... Really, Really Jiggy

He may look like a garden-variety idiot, but he’s really just a fool with happy feet.

Peterkin the Fool,” Britain’s first state jester in more than 350 years, just completed a 100-mile jig in an authentic 16th century getup as a shout out to one of the most famous jesters of yore.

Peterkin started cutting a rug in the English city of Bristol on July 12 and arrived in Northampton August 9, the AFP reports.

The lengthy jig was inspired by the antics of Shakespearean actor Will Kemp, who is said to have boogied his way from London to Norwich in nine days in 1599, no doubt raising a few eyebrows along the way.

"Kemp was the finest of Shakespeare's comic actors but he left the Lord Chamberlain's Men (theatre troupe) in 1599 — possibly for cracking one fart gag too many," Peterkin told the AFP.

"I think the fool is the person who lives deep inside all of us. We are very good at being self-important and pompous and foolishness is the right way to get rid of some of that."

And it seems Peterkin’s devotion to all things traditional runs deeper than just a penchant for shaking his groove thing in comical costumes — he says he treated the blisters he acquired on his journey the old-fashioned way ... with his own urine.

Most Effective. Painkiller. Ever.

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Hillary Snyder said she isn't going to let her boyfriend's antics get under her skin. But it may be too late.

Snyder, 20, said she awoke recently to find she had been tattooed — allegedly by her boyfriend — while she slept.

She said she took a painkiller with a sleeping pill before she went to bed. When she awoke, she discovered a tattoo of a five-pointed star on her right ankle.

Snyder said she had previously told her boyfriend she didn't want a tattoo. He wanted her to get a tattoo of a five-pointed star to match one of his own, she said.

"At least he didn't flub it up," she said.

The boyfriend wasn't identified, and no arrests have been made.

A police report accuses the now-former boyfriend of domestic assault. But Snyder isn't so sure.

"I mean it's not like he beat me up. There were no bruises or blood or anything. I'm just not going to see him again."

Thanks to Out There reader Jamie W.

Beautifying America, One Butt Crack at a Time

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) — It's often identified with plumbers, but it's a problem for other workers who toil in a crouch in work pants with waistbands that are a bit too low.

You know how the waistband, unable to accommodate an ample rear, will slip in the back in a most unsightly way? Revealing a most unappealing cleavage?

The makers of Dickies work jeans and pants want to do something about it.

Starting next spring, Fort Worth-based Williamson-Dickie will offer work jeans with a lower rise but a roomier seat.

Williamson-Dickie marketing vice president Jon Ragsdale says he doesn't expect Dickies to spotlight the change in its advertising.

But he tells the Fort Worth Star-Telegram — "If there's anything we can do to beautify America, we're in favor of doing it."

Catch This, Suckers!

CLARKSVILLE, Ind. (AP) — A 20-year-old Jeffersonville, Ind., man was trying to catch catfish in the Ohio River when he landed an octopus.

David Stepp made the catch and showed it to Bill Putt, a park ranger at the Falls of the Ohio State Park.

Putt snapped photos of the dead animal, which measured six feet from the tip of one tentacle to the other. Putt deposited the octopus in a park freezer, saying a marine biologist might want to examine it.

The octopus is one of many weird discoveries at the falls, where park crews and visitors have found crocodiles and piranha-like tropical fish over the years.

Putt says because they live in salt water, they don't survive long in the Ohio River's fresh water.

Thanks to Out There readers Brian B. and Elizabeth H.

Compiled by's Taylor Timmins.

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