Mumbling Malaise Is Infecting All Men

So the other night I was watching some show — I can't remember if it was "Californication," "Dirty Sexy Money" or "Gossip Girl," because to me they're all the same crap.

Anyway, one character was mumbling and it occurred to me that they all mumble, in an annoying way that suggests a total disinterest in what they're saying. One of these dopes said that "he threw up in his mouth a little," an overused phrase that exists to express dissatisfaction without emotion. It's lamer than Barbaro after the Preakness.

I call this the "Seth Cohen Effect." You remember Seth as the lazy talker from "The O.C.," who spoke in the back of his throat as if he were borrowing words, not saying them.

But this habit infects everyone between the ages of 18 and 35. Call it "Enervation X" — the crippling awareness that everything has already been said and thought, so you just sleepwalk through life, parroting dumb-ass catch phrases that pollute the airwaves like specks of cat vomit tracked in from the street.

Why are men — especially — overcome by this mumbling malaise? We have become zombies, trying so hard to pretend we're not trying at all. The detached, disinterested and disaffected manner in which guys speak disgusts me.

Speak like men. They're vocal cords, not kazoos, people! And that whiny, painful and annoying sound is not a voice.

Look, if you don't care what you're saying, then how can you expect me to care? Every word I say I infuse with meaning… and spit. And if you disagree with me, then you're worse than Hitler.

Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: