The Los Angeles Times says the Iraqis are turning into "i-fatties" and it's our fault.

It seems that sectarian violence — a result of the war — caused citizens to hide in their homes where they sit around and eat all day, glued to their PlayStations — just like us portly Yanks.

But here's the weird thing: That sounds awesome.

Too bad it's not true. The article doesn't cite statistics showing a fat increase from pre-invasion to now. Instead, they cite a relatively current percentage of those who are already obese. To top that off, the reporters then interviewed a handful of fat people.

That's Pulitzer material, friends.

But you know, even if the trend had gone in the opposite direction — with Iraqis losing instead of gaining weight — it wouldn't have mattered. "Sectarian violence," the reporter would write, "is preventing people from getting adequate nourishment, causing many to eat small pets and furniture."

The fact is, because we are winning the war, the media is having a hard time finding awful things to write about. So, thank God for obesity: It's always there when you need it and you can blame it on the United States.

But hey, even The Times reporter confesses that as the violence wanes, Iraqis may find the time to exercise away the flab. The good news is, they've already gotten rid of 200 ugly pounds: It's called Saddam Hussein.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com